So imagine you’re heading into fantasy hoops last night, wondering what the headline would be. You knock on the mansion’s door and Tim Curry is standing there all snippity-proper. You say, “Hey, Timmy, someone is gonna kill it tonight!” Could it be, Colonel Larry Sanders Mustard? Nope! His vision is too blurred to be the culprit. And no, it’s not because he topped off his third bottle of Cristal just to have another blunt weapon, it’s because he got poked in the eye! Could it be Reverend Jeff Green? No way, he had his big night a few games ago, we all know it’ll be at least another two weeks until another good one! So it’s surprise suspect #3, Professor Mason Plumlee, who went all Krzyzewki on the Pelicans leading the Nets in Pts Rebs Stls and Blks for a 22/13/0/3/2 line. Shot 8-10, 6-9 from the stripe, and made Anthony Davis lose a wee bit of hair on his Brow. “I’m supposed to be the high-flying big man in this game, Mason!” The crowd wasn’t chanting MVP for ya in this one! Awww, that’s mean. After playing under 12 minutes the previous two, Plumlee got 28+ in the past two games and productive in both. Keep Kevin Garnett at 13 minutes a game, Kidd! I think a good way to approach Plumlee right now is like James Johnson. Puts up solid stats all around (although a little less all-around than JJ) when he gets the minutes. I think he’s gotten himself to fringe 12-team worthy depending on your roster comp. Definitely needs to get scooped up in deeper. I think enough minutes will be there for him to fill in some Pts/Rebs/Blks. Here’s what else I saw over the weekend in fantasy hoops:
Kevin Martin – Broke his thumb, but won’t require surgery. Luckily it’s his left non-shooting thumb, but it still is theorized to be over a month. Go ahead and Chapter 11 K-Mart.
Ty Lawson – Fractured a rib on Saturday. He said afterwards he didn’t know what happened. Memory loss! Needs concussion testing. Is doubtful for tonight (duh, he broke his rib!) and remains very day-to-day. Not doing anything drastic with him, definitely don’t sell at a discount.
Kobe Bryant – Quoted as saying he still plans to return this year. Yeah, well, I planned on winning the lottery and buying Texas! And by Texas, I mean the island in Dubai world islands thingy. But that would’ve been a bad investment! I still think you can leave Kobe on the wire in 12-teamers unless you’ve locked up a high seed going into the playoffs. And even then. Fishy. Like my island would be!
Chris Paul – Backstreet’s Back, Alright! Played 23 minutes for 7/2/8/4/0. This game against the 76ers was neck-and-neck the whole way, so shocked he didn’t get more minutes. Psyche! Clippers won by like, 200. Mercy rule! Solid line to end your week and you’re psyched (used again!) for the rest of the year.
DeAndre Jordan – They say hindsight is 20/20… DeAndre went 10/20! Does that mean he can see into the past? “You can read minds?” “It’s where you throw up after every meal!” Plus four blocks. He’s such a Merman.
Tony Wroten – The only Sixer who showed up. 21/3/2/3/0 in 23 minutes and I think he needs to be owned by all playoff bound teams. I’ve said this so many times, and just want to keep reminding you. Brittle Michael Carter-Williams is gonna get shut down! Wroten still owned in only 10% of leagues. In 100% of leagues that have playoffs, there are teams playoffs bound. So he should be owned everywhere!
Anderson Varejao – We’ve always known he’s brittle, and after returning from the hyperextended knee now has a jacked up hand. Mike Brown said postgame, “The only thing that isn’t hurting [Varejao] are his curls.” Oh, ha-ha Mike Brown, you’re effing hilarious. Maybe focus on winning more than two games outta eight, broheim.
RainbOladipo – 23/4/4/2/0 and the Magic upset the Pacers. I wonder what the spread was on this game. Probably something close to Glen Davis‘ waist size. Hey oh! V.O. was the Magic’s best player, hit a three, did have the 4 TOs, but hey, we all know that’s part of the shindig.
Marc Gasol – Rainbow line! 8/9/5/3/4 and close to a double-bow. He’s still not been what everyone had hoped, but the multi-cat is a solid step forward.
Nick Calathes – Still ballin’. 17/5/6/1/0, shot 7-9, hit two threes, helped me get an upset win in REL, and is an Achilles amongst sheer neck-tattooed mortals. Did have 6 TOs. His Achilles heel if you will…
Tristan Thompson vs. Andray Blatche – Slim, I think it’s safe to say neither of these guys should be close to fantasy teams and there is no winner. Haha. Blatche for 6/1/0/0/0 and 3 TOs and TT for 4/3/2/1/1 (multi-cat?!) with Blatche losing time to the emerging Plumlee and TT sucking it up during a regime-change.
Tyreke Evans – Got a non-injury related DNP. Something is rotten in Djibouti. Wait, Denmark. Went with the wrong D country. That’s how to fool that stupid mind-trick thing! No one has any idea what I’m talking about…
Jared Sullinger – Huge 31/16 on Friday and decent 11/12 yesterday. Remember when I told you to hang tough for him! Let’s do this Sully!
Steve Nash – The NBA’s most durable player had a shocking injury and had to leave early yesterday. Should be ready to go for tomorrow though. Like Kobe, he “plans” on playing every game, but not every plan works out!
Joakim Noah – Rainbow! Filling up the stat sheet like Noah fills the shower drain…
Ryan Kelly – Lost a ton of minutes in a disappear fest. Kelly might finally be the inspiration to let Jordan Hill play a lot!
Chris Kaman – You know, for as bad as where I had him ranked, this is the sorta thing I thought he could do from time to time. 27/10/3/0/2, of course I didn’t expect him to score 20+, but shot 13-23, is big and gets in the way for some rogue blocks and boards. Just enough to, well, you know – his name in my pants. But alas, Doh-toni wanted to play Robert Sacre… I hate the Lakers.
Kendall Marshall – Despite coming off the bench, still slingin’ the dimebags! But I don’t expect it to keep up. My chips are all going into the Steve Blake basket, even though he had a rough one yesterday. It’s turning into a “pick-your-PG” carnival game! The winner gets a giant stuffed Monstar Shawn Bradley from Space Jam. That wouldn’t be creepy…
Jeff Green trade rumors – Gossip girl tweeted out that he might be on the block to the Hawks for a DeMarre Carroll deal. XOXO – Gossip Girl! Wow, I am so much less of a man for knowing that. Damn women taking the TV! Why you gotta have an iPad to watch sports… Anyway, I think the Hawks would be nuts to make that move. Carroll is playing great and they need a C not another wing. Yes, that’s me hoping Mike Scott can hold onto his minutes!
Raymond Felton – What the h?! Playing like a decent fantasy asset?! Say it ain’t so! 16/7/7 with a pair of treys yesterday. Felton just heard “pair of trays” and starting salivating at the thought of another Golden Corral trip. Does Golden Corral even have trays? Never been! Suck it obesity!
Trey Burke – Needs to hit up Shaq for an icy hot patch. I think I made that joke last week at some point. But I like it! Back pain and is making it really really hard for me to keep pumping him up as a buy low/hold…
Jonas Valanciunas – Got hit in the tummy and is day-to-day. While he’s not really doing anything new stat wise, this will make your day. Buy a vowel!
I hope everyone had a solid weekend and is pumped to start up week 16! The All-Star Break is just around the corner so get amped up for the dunk contest. I busted out my Fisher Price basket just to reenact the dunks in my living room…