Fantasy Basketball Advice

It’s time to start calculating whether eight weeks of the best free agent left in your league pool is better than five weeks of Manu Ginobili, ’cause that looks to be the sitch, mes amis. That’s assuming those five weeks are top-notch Manu and I’m not getting that kind of vibe. At this point, even if he returns in a couple weeks, what are the odds he’s not as rusty as a birdcage left out in the rain for 20 years? He’s no spring chicken. His coloring suggests he’s more of an autumnal chicken. Either way, owners have been playing chicken with Ginobili long enough. Time to blink. Let him go. He’s cost you too much time, and now he’s going to cost you more. Danny Green is your pickup while Manu is out, but a) your league should have a better option and b) Green won’t likely remain startin’ if he continues playing like he did last night, that’s just Poppovich’s way. Here’s what else I saw on another Monday of fantasy basketball.

Matt Bonner – Five threes and 20 points. With Splitter showing Ginobili injured solidarity for the next couple weeks, the Red Rocket looks to continue averaging the 27 minutes he saw last night. That’s a solid FT%, 3PTM infusion starting you in the face and making googly eyes.

Jeff Teague – Stunted at a 6/0/1 line. Dude cannot handle defensive-minded PG. He’ll run all over Jameer Nelson (last Friday), Derek Fisher (Tuesday) and Steve Nash (Wednesday), but against teams that play team defense (Portland, Miami, Chicago) and he poops all over the bed and a little bit on the bedroom curtains. And speaking of crap, Teague has had 6+ assists just once in the last 15 games.

Jannero Pargo – 19 pts, which included 5 threes. Holy Heshua! Can we go one damn day without talking about how awesome Jeremy did? I mean, every day with– what’s that? … Pargo? … No, I’m pretty sure it’s not pronounced like that … we’re talking about the Harvard kid, right? … Atlanta? … Oh. Never mind. It was Jannero. Not Jeremy. Jeremy is on Memphis and should not be owned. Jannero averages 11 mpg for Atlanta and I haven’t really thought about him since 2010. That tells you much of what you need to know. If you picked up Willie Green, hang onto him, as he’s still starting and the Hawks WERE playing the Bulls who have a way of shutting suckers down.

Derrick Rose – Returned for the first time in almost two weeks and did Rosey things. 23/5/6 and just one win closer to maybe, possibly, hopefully putting a ring around the Rosey.

Iman Shumpert – Out with a knee injury and the fact that there are five dozen other players on the Knicks who can do what he does. Unless there’s nothing left in the FA pool, it’s time for a ShumpDump.

J.R. Smith – 4/4/3, 2-for-8 from the field in 24 minutes a day after sinking 3 threes for 15 points. The prosecution rests, your honor.

Deron Williams – Been playing as good as anyone in the last couple weeks, including 38/4/6, and 8 threes last night. DerLin Williams wanted me to repeat that he’s been playing AS GOOD AS ANYONE THESE LAST TWO WEEKS. So … I did that.

Carmelo Anthony – 11/3/6, and shot .400 from the field. ‘Melo did manage to steal one stat from Lin, all his turnovers (6).

Baron Davis – In his first 10 minutes of the season, he sank a three and doled out an assist. He won’t be much more than this for a while. Pretend he’s not there. Better yet, treat him like January Lin.

Stephen Jackson – Really wanted a chance to go peacocking in front of Dwight Howard last night, which I guess he got to do, if you’re referring to a peacock whose feathers were stapled to the bench. Also, Dunleavy dropped 18 out of nowhere. I hate the Bucks.

Larry Sanders – 13/11/2, with 2 steals and 3 blocks. Sure! Why not? I hate the Bucks.

Carlos Delfino – If 8/4/8, with 2 threes, 4 steals, a block and .300 shooting from the floor ain’t classic Charlie Tuna, I don’t know what it.

Samuel Dalembert – 9/6 in 20 minutes. Back in the saddle again. The saddle being the starting five spot. Okay, that last sentence was just bad writing, but this is Houston we’re talking about. As long as I stay away from Jesus and football, I can get away with writing anything.

Jarrett Jack – 18/5/5, with a pair of threes upon his return. He was supposed to play limited minutes for a spell and ended up playing a minute more than Greivis Vasquez. Turns out “spell,” in this case, meant the game’s first nine minutes. Hang onto Greivis until it’s less than a 50-50 split for minutes, as he managed 15 points himself.

Greg Oden – Bill Walton fixed himself breakfast for dinner and caught up on all of this season’s episodes of Californication. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s as relevant to your fantasy team as telling you about Oden’s third knee surgery.

Daequan Cook – Harden was out last night with a purple-y, bruised up ankle and in his place was the ego of Daequan Cook. I assume it was only Cook’s ego, because Lord knows if his brain and the rest of him had shown up, he would have stopped at 1-for-3 or 4 from the arc instead of bricking eight of his nine attempts.

Rajon Rondo – Chucked the rock at a ref’s wheelhouse yesterday, got ejected, missed last night’s game and will miss the next one, too. Hope you enjoy Avery Bradley‘s 12/4/2 on Wednesday.

Arron Afflalo – 16/5/2 and has been playing up to his fantasy owner’s preseason expectations lately. Who’s got three As, two Rs, two Fs, two Ls, two Os, two thumbs and doesn’t miss Rudy or Danilo at all? That guy.

Jordan Crawford – 20/3/2, with a steal, along with 7-of-10 from the field. One of the better games from Crawford this year. Not a “let’s-hold-off-on-calling-Michael-the-best-Jordan-D.C.-has-ever-known” type of game. But solid. Good for a Wizard, let’s say.

Nick Young – Cold. Shot 3-for-13 from the field. And when Nick Young can’t offer points, he can’t offer nuthin’. On his off nights, he’s like a fat girl with a nasty personality. The deal is, be ugly all you want, as long as you’re nice or funny. But if you’re terrible inside and out, I want nothing to do with you. Just ask Rashard Lewis how that goes.

Blake Griffin – I look forward to whatever is after Jeremy Lin. Remember when we were all talking about Ricky Rubio? Remember when we were all talking about Lob City? Remember when we were all talking about Blake Griffin? Remember when we were all talking about Miami’s Big Three? Remember when we were all talking about Boston’s Big Three? Basketball is a fickle, fickle sport.

Dorell Wright – Started 0-for-6, five of which were from downtown. I’m on record as having repeatedly warned that he was going to underperform his draft value, but … but … dayum.

Gerald Wallace – When you drafted Crash you were aware that games like this could happen and probably would happen. So if you knew that, you only have yourself to blame. While we’re at it, Gerald blames you too, because guys who go 5/1/2 with 2-for-6 from the field don’t tend to point fingers inwardly much.

LaMarcus Aldridge – Shot under .333 last night against L.A. As a result, I feel no need to edit myself from pointing out the fact that he runs funny. Seriously. He lifts his knees like he’s prancing.

Okay, I give up. I’m flabbergasted by what’s going on in New York. Just like the last rave I attended in which everyone wore furry animal suits, I don’t get it, it scares me, but here we are and I’m going to roll with it as best I can. With Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire out for various reasons last week and into this week, it seems like anyone and everyone wearing a Knicks uniform has turned into a viable fantasy option on the winningest ball club in the league. It’s like the last 30 minutes of Moneyball all of a sudden. Three weeks ago, Baron Davis was New York’s only hope for lurching into the playoffs on a .500 winning percentage. Hollywood montage-ahead three weeks and two of the three biggest performers in yesterday’s game against the defending world champs were Jeremy Lin and J.R. Smith, who were not even afterthoughts for this Knicks team just a short while ago. It’s weird, man. Two seasons ago, Jose Bautista started cracking home run after home run out of nowhere and very few people believed it was anything more than a blip in the averages. He’d eventually calm down. He ended up leading the league in home runs that year and the year after that. I kind of think that’s what we’re looking at in New York. Maybe this is just the first chapter in a long saga that we’ll be used to in a few years. Kind of like the hype surrounding the high school LeBron before he started his first game in Cleveland. Fair enough. Baron is likely going to see 10-20 minutes tonight, letting Lin play fewer than 40 (for once) and ‘Melo will return one of these days (maybe tonight). Not much more can be said about Lin. He’s owned in 100 percent of the leagues. What’s shocking about the Knicks is how guys like Steve Novak (14 points, 5 threes on Sunday) and Jared Jeffries (4/7/2, with a steal and a block) are suddenly fantasy options instead of punchlines. And J.R. Smith (15/3/2, with 3 threes)? Well, we knew he had this in him. He’ll do this. And January Adam really wants to tell you that he’ll fall on his face, get back up again, drink a whiskey drink, drink a vodka drink, get knocked down, then get up again for your fantasy team. But when it comes to New York, what do I know. Maybe Smith finishes the rest of this season like 2004 Ray Allen. Grab every last damn Knick and keep your eyes wide open. Anyway, here are some more explainable things elsewhere in fantasy basketball.

Iman Shumpert – 5 pts/2 rbd, with a steal and shot .222 from the field after  moving into the starting SF position with Bill Walker (and Carmelo) out with injury. Just awful, awful shot selection from the floor. All day. And all season. What can’t you be more like Jeremy, Shumpert? Bee tee dubya, “Why Can’t You Be More Like Jeremy, Shumpert” is the name of an after school special script I wrote in the ’80s that dealt with inner-city gentrification.

J.J. Redick – Understudied Jason Richardson, who was having chest pains before the game. Along with poo-pooing Richardson for eating a pair of French-dip sandwiches a half-hour before tip-off, Redick responded by knocking down five threes. Redick’s a should-add as long as Richardson is out (though it doesn’t look his arteries will be clogged too much longer).

Hedo Turkoglu – Turk often follows a five games on, five games off pattern. He just finished up averaging 1.6 3pt/13.6 pts/6 rbd/4.6 ast/1 stl in his last five. At this point, that counts as “good” for Turk. Yesterday, he went 1/0/3. So, one down, four to go!

Chris Wilcox – Stepped in again for Kevin Garnett, who is dealing with a family issue, and ended with 14/6/2. This is what he does when he gets minutes. And it looks like he’ll get minutes in Boston’s next game, too. He’s a good add, unlike 3+6=10. That’s a bad add.

Rodney Stuckey – Been playing well lately and ended yesterday’s game with 16 points, despite going 2-for-10 from the field. Yesterday was a keen example of Stuckey’s Plan B: foul-baiting, head-first blitzes into the paint.

Ben Gordon – In 24 minutes, Air Gordon only managed 4 points from seven shots. Until he shapes up, I’m calling him Error Gordon.

Bismack Biyombo – 0/8/2, with 2 steals and 2 blocks last night. He’s been good for about 8 rebounds and a pair of blocks every game this month. That’s a very specific set of skills that deserves nothing more than a golf clap, but it DOES deserve that golf clap.

Willie Green – 23.5 mpg/.600/1.000/2.3 3ptm/15 pts/1.8 rbd/1.3 ast/1 stl/0 blk/1.3 tov in his last four games. Deep leaguers might want go pounce and ride the boat ’til it starts taking in water. All other leagues should wait and see if he plays 23+ minutes in his next one or two games before adding him, as it’s worth noting that two of Green’s big-minute performances last week came in blowouts.

Isaiah Thomas – 23/8/11, with 3 threes and a block as he started at the two for the second game in a row. Until John Salmons stops sucking, Thomas is a must-own. Considering Salmons hasn’t stopped sucking in almost three seasons, Salmons is a must-drop.

Tristan Thompson – Getting minutes lately and workin’ ‘em. Last night he went 15/12, with three blocks. In his last five games he’s played 25+ minute in three of them. With Varejao out, it’s not nutty to predict this type of game keeps poppin’ up.

Jrue Holiday – Cold lately, but played hot last night 20 pts/5 ast. That means he’s gonna have cool steam coming off him. That might help make him more attractive when you try to trade him. Yes, you should be trying to trade him. He’s good, but he’s not translating his on-court game to fantasy.

Ersan Ilyasova – Grabbed 25 boards last night and now has 113 in 10 February games. No one told me Ersan Ilyasova translates to “wily whiteboy board-grabber” in Turkish. I feel like it would have been helpful to know this before today.

Mike Dunleavy – Scored a pair of points in 17 minutes as the rostisserie keep a-turning. His value is almost non-existent. He’s done. Leavy him in the free agent pool.

Brook Lopez – Unfurl the banner! Start up the band! Loosen the confetti! BroPez is BACK and … he was okay. Slightly clunky. 9/2/2, with a block. Actually, he looked like he was playing in shoes that hadn’t been broken in yet.

Gordon Hayward – 4/3/4. Gordon Wayward has been off all week.

Patrick Patterson – 8/7/1 and replaced Samuel Dalembert at center in the starting lineup, the same way most substitute teachers replace the regular teacher in the classroom. PaPa’s gonna show a movie for the next two days, maybe hand out a worksheet, nothing more.

Serge Ibaka – 14 pts/15 rbd/11 blk. I’ve renamed three of my goldfish Serge and I’ve written several letters strongly urging Kia to name its new sports utility vehicle Ibaka.

Corey Brewer – 33.5 mpg/1.5 3pt/15.8 pts/5.5 rbd/1.5 ast/2.3 stl in four as a starter leading up to last night’s barn-burner against OKC. He didn’t have one of the better games among the Nuggs, but he did have three steals, which is good enough for an add. C’mon don’t be uppity.

Markieff Morris – Get over the 5.5 rebounds-per-game ‘Kieff has averaged over his last six games. He’s a small big, which Phoenix has grown accustomed to these last couple seasons. The 1.3 3pt/13.5 pts/1.7 stl/1.8 blk in last six is more than your team deserves.

Kobe Bryant – Double-troubled last night (32 pts/10 tov). Kobe had no intention of being outdone by Jeremy Lin in ANY facet of the game. Your move, Lin!

Our first Buy/Sell of the season comes to from our very own Josh Vitale from the football side of the site. I say “our very own” because he’s one of us, but not like in the in-bred sense of “us.” Anyway, I deleted all the references to “tight ends,” “putting it through the uprights,” and “foot ‘n’ inches” because I thought he might have been confusing the two sports. At least I hope he was talking about football. Otherwise that was just a terribly disgusting metaphor. Anyway, enjoy!

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Jeremy Lin is Tim Tebow. There is no questioning this fact. They are the same person. The media’s darling. The guy every newspaper, website and blog devotes 14 articles a day to. The guy SportsCenter devotes 57 minutes of every hour to. The guy men want to be, and the guy women want to marry. Lin even gave Tebow’s boy God a shoutout after a recent win. Lin is Tebow, Tebow is Lin.

That’s why if you own Lin, you should sell high. Sell so high that you need six parachutes to keep the impact from killing you. Don’t sell for pennies on the dollar; sell for dollars on the penny.

“But Josh,” you’re surely asking, “why should we trade the best player in the history of the NBA?” You should sell him because the magic will soon run out. Sure, there’s no reason to think he won’t continue to be a solid NBA point guard, but if you think he’s going to put up Derrick Rose numbers playing on the same team as Carmelo Anthony, you’ve likely never watched the NBA before. Something like 12 points and seven assists per game is a reasonable expectation, but ME-lo would rather retire from the league and join the cast of Jersey Shore than allow himself to play second fiddle to a guy who played college ball at Harvard.

So send out some trade offers. Steph Curry, maybe. Perhaps Rajon Rondo. John Wall, even. And if you can find a Knicks fan in your league, send out a Lin for LeBron offer. Because you own Jeremy Lin. And he’s the most valuable commodity on the planet.

BUY

D.J. Augustin – Lost in all the Linsanity is the fact that a very serviceable point guard made his return to the court for the mighty Bobcats Wednesday night. Sure, his nine-point, two-assist, two-rebound line was child’s play compared to anything best-point-guard ever Jeremy Lin has done, but he’s definitely worth adding to your team. Unless you don’t like owning guards that average 14 points and seven assists per game on your team. Which you should. Because that’s good. It gives me woo… ahem. Moving on.

Greivis Vasquez – Anyone who ever attended the University of Maryland just pounded their chest and shimmied in their chair. Don’t lie to me; you totally just did it. The General is taking full advantage of the rash of knee injuries that have hit New Orleans like the plague, averaging 11 points and seven assists per games starting in place of the injured Jarrett Jack. He’s even posted two double-doubles in that span. Based on the Hornet’s luck with Eric Gordon’s knee injury, I wouldn’t trust Jack’s balky knee as far as I can throw it, which, admittedly, isn’t that far. Long story short, now is the time to invest in Vasquez.

J.R. Smith – If your league has somehow created a “team chemistry” or “selfless basketball” stat category, you’re going to want to avoid Smith. But if you enjoy a player who launches 3-pointers with absolutely reckless abandon, there might be nobody more perfect for you. Take him out to dinner, buy him a nice steak and offer him a $2.5 million exception and maybe, just maybe, J.R. will agree to play for your fantasy basketball team.

Chris Kaman – If you currently have, have ever had, or someday wish to own two healthy knees, please stay far, far away from the Hornets. Seriously, this is hard to believe. Four expected starters are all currently sidelined with knee injuries? Have the Hornets hired people to just sit outside the locker room and whale on players’ kneecaps with baseball bats? Emeka Okafor is the latest casualty, meaning former malcontent Chris Kaman is back in our lives. He’s averaged a double-double in his last two games, and with the Hornets showing him off like an ugly show poodle as the trade deadline nears, he’ll likely continue to produce while he’s on the floor.

Brook Lopez – He hasn’t played in a single game this season, yet he’s already the second best player on the Nets. And it’s not even that close. B-Lo should return from his foot injury soon, so his value is only going to go up from here. Now is the time to start flooding your friends’ inboxes with condescending remarks and low-ball offers.

SELL

Tony Parker – Tony Parker has got to hate Jeremy Lin by now. Seriously. Parker has been putting up unbelievable numbers over the past few games and the entire east coast of the country doesn’t even care. “34 points and 14 assists?” America is saying. “Might be good enough in France, but it ain’t worth nothing here. This is Lin’s world now.” Eva Longoria’s divorcee has been money recently, but with Manu Ginobili on his way back to full strength, it might be time to see if you can’t capitalize on Parker while his value is at its highest.

Jeff Teague – There’s nothing sadder than a point guard who can’t rack up assists. It’s like watching a baby who hasn’t learn to walk yet: you want to love them, but until they starts doing something worthwhile all you can do is glare disapprovingly at them and change their diaper when they inevitable soil themselves. Teague has averaged a paltry 3.7 assists per game in the past month, never topping six dimes in a game during that stretch. He’s even losing playing time to somebody named Kirk Hinrich. If you can find a way to unload him, do it now.

Tyson Chandler – Everything is currently peaches in the Big Apple, but all this ball-sharing, offensive balance and winning is pissing Carmelo Anthony off. And when he gets back, he’s going to destroy it the same way Robert California ruined The Office (yea, I said it). Chandler has enjoyed a nice little run as the Hall to Jeremy Lin’s Oates in the pick-and-roll, but the returns of Amar’e Stoudemire and Anthony, and the eventual addition of J.R. Smith is going to put a huge damper on Chandler’s numbers. He’ll still be plenty valuable as a center, but his value is likely at its peak right now.

Eric Gordon – Ok, you’re not going to actually get any fantasy value in return for Gordon, but it’s worth your while to get something, right? Maybe you can see if you’re buddy will buy you a fresh Subway sandwich in return for Gordon. Or maybe he’ll get you the new Madonna CD that everyone knows you secretly want. Either way, it’s better than nothing.

Week 8 bangs and shimmies its way to a close with seven of last week’s 10 top teams staying right where we left them. Week 7 saw the bottom feeders remaining sedentary. This week it’s the top feeders. Also, I’m pretty sure “top feeders” is not a term for anything. I think it’s just something I made up to entertain myself because Lord knows, “The Office” is no longer entertaining me. And while we’re speaking about entertaining things, I like looking at a team’s rankings from one stat category to the next and get an overall feel for what kind of team they are fielding. Usually if a team ranks high on, say, 3ptm, FT% and STL, that team is probably not going to fare as well in the RBD, BLK, FG% category. Simple, right? Looking at a few of the RCL’s teams, the occasional squad sticks out as being quirky, clearly led by a couple players with unique skillsets that buck the system, go against the grain, and are constantly damning the Man.

Boom Boom Pau ranks in the top 4 in both RBD and STL, which are not usually two categories that pair together well. His solid rankings in those two categories are brought out even more by the fact that he ranks outside the top 21 in everything else.

chris kaman his pants ranks in the league’s top 10 in both PTS and RBD, so one would assume he’s got a platoon of elite big men. He ranks 52nd  in FG%, usually a gimme among PF/C-led teams.

Smokey McPots ranks in the top 14 in both FT% and 3PTM, suggesting his team is the opposite of ckhp. Smokey’s team is likely filled with trigger-happy guards and yet he ranks in the bottom 13 in AST, a common stat often tied to little guys with solid shots.

Coca sCola might be my favorite outlier. His team also ranks in the top 9 in both FT% and 3PTM and in the bottom 9 in RBD. None of this is surprising until you realize he’s also top 12 in blocks. What kind of team shoots accurately, blocks a ton, but can’t grab a rebound if it fell on the floor in front of him?

Take a look at your own team. Some of you have very obvious weakness/strength correlations, some of you don’t. Considering these things might help you form some trade ideas or strategies going forward. Or not. Here’s the spreadsheet.

J-Smoove (or Joove to his friends and accountants) had 30 points, 17 rebounds and 7 assists. Which brings up a good question: was he close to a triple-double? Seven dimes is pretty outstanding, but getting three more would have been the equivalent of scoring about 10-12 more points. We wouldn’t say Josh Smith was so close to scoring 40 last night, just because he had 30, right? Going from three assists to seven was the leap, not seven to 10. Does that jive? Does it at least cha-cha? It always bugs me when a player goes above his averages and announcers or whomever try to make it bigger than it was.  No need to make it bigger, because he also drained 2 threes, stole three balls and blocked four shots. He almost had a sextuplet-double if he had only played another 40 minutes! Anyway, scroll down with me for more fantasy basketballery, won’t you?

Psych your face! Tomorrow is Friday. You know what Friday means? I mean aside from the fact that you’re going to end the day naked in a bathtub and crying to Tori Amos? It’s Daily Joust‘s $100 prize night. Assuming you haven’t been taking them to school all week, saving up to buy a larger tub  and more Tori Amos albums, you’re still eligible to win and start your weekend off right. You must be of-age and not a previous winner to qualify. You almost must have a computer, a brain and at least a faint pulse. Other than that, you don’t need anything but guts, some knowledge of how basketball is played and an Internet connection. That’s all you need. Plus a gambler’s heart. But that’s it, aside from a thrillseeker streak. Nothing more. Click here . Enter. Enjoy.

Now. Let’s get on with the fantasy basketball Wednesday recap!

Channing Frye – 13/11 last night. He was just resting on Tuesday. Resting LIKE A FOX! Actually, foxes are very well-rested animals. They sleep, like, nine hours a day.

Tiago Splitter – 13/5/2, with a block. He hasn’t been stellar lately, but then again neither has Tim Duncan. Matter fact, Duncan went 8/3/2 and made your bellyaching about Splitter look somewhat ridiculous. If Duncan owned Tiago Splitter in a fantasy basketball league and he heard you bitch about owning him, he’d give you that incredulous “who me” look he gives refs after every foul he’s ever had called on him.

DeMar DeRozan – 29 points on 13-for-21 shooting. You got benchslapped tonight, didn’t you? Probably because you put him in the last two games when he went a combined 7-for-25, right? Go ahead and throw your laptop out the window now, ’cause he’s going 1-for-10 in his next game and you’re going to play him. Don’t worry. It’s not you. It’s fate.

Jose Calderon – Double-doubled for the seventh time this season. The Raps are 3-4 when Joe Kettle dub-steps, or, as it’s known among Raps fans, “a winning record!”

Andre Iguodala – He’s averaging 8.7 pts/4.7 rbds/6 asts in his last three games. His six shots last night doubled the combined total of the last two games, which is very un-A.I.-like. And ay, I don’t like.

Lou Williams – After last night’s 21/4/7, with a pair of threes and a steal, Screwy Looey is averaging 18/2/4, with at least one steal and three so far this month. I was right to predict the Sixth Man coming out of Philly in 2012, but wrong to predict it would be Thad Young.

Jrue Holiday – His stats are steadily declining as the weeks tick by and I’m wondering how difficult it would be to arrange a Thunderdome situation in which Darren Collison, Jeff Teague, Raymond Felton and Holiday all enter, but only one leaves.

Ryan Anderson – Dropped seven treys last night. He has 87 on the season. It took Anderson 43 games last year to sink 87 threes. It’s taken him 29 this year. If this were a full season, Anderson would be on pace for 238 threes, the sixth-most in NBA history. But because of the Lockout, Anderson is on pace to only win the Wednesday Night three-point shooting contest he, Marco Belinelli and Caron Butler didn’t know they were having.

Omri Casspi – 10/9/3, with 3 3ptm. This is the weak version of what I projected him to do all season. The season was weak. It needed cayenne pepper or maybe it needed to reverse the J.J. Hickson trade that nobody is happy with. Anyway, Casspi’s being very un-Dude this season.

Kyrie Irving – 22/3/5, with 3 3ptm. No longer concussed, Kyrie is irie, mon.

Semih Erden – Semih was sportin’ a full Erden last night going 18/8. Considering he’s scored a total of 27 points in his previous 13 games, I’d see if he can go again before labeling him a stud. It’s easy to go off once. A lot of times you’re full of spunk and once it’s gone, man, it’s totally gone.

Roy Hibbert – Hibbert hasn’t been bad this season so much as inconsistent. He went 17/8, with a steal and a block Wednesday. Yeah, that’s nice, especially on the wings of Hibb’s 14/10 dove that was January. But then what can you say about February’s wangdoodle (11/9) wedged in between them? Y’see what I mean about inconsistency?

A.J. Price – Averaging 12 points and 3 3ptm over his last three. Just FYI … you know, if you’re into cheap production. Then might I also suggest the off-off Broadway production of Beauty & The Beast entitled Booty and the Beast.

Marreese Speights – The Ace of Speights had himself a career-night, going 20/18, with a pair of blocks. It was so good, he went out after the game to celebrate by adding another R and E to his first name.

Tony Allen – 21/4/3, with 5 steals, a block and a three. I’m acknowledging that this game happened and imploring you to ignore it.

Kris Humphries -10/7 and has truly been blowing lately. It’s funny how losing the one thing he was famous for completely eradicates all the attention he was getting last year. I’m speaking, of course, about rebounds. What else did you think I was talking about? Don’t be weird.

MarShon Brooks – Returned and went 12/3/3, with a pair of threes. He also turned the ball over six times and pretty much negated all that other stuff.

Ben Gordon – 22 points and 4 threes in 28 minutes. Brandon Knight started at the two, but only played 19 minutes. Here. Go deep. I’ll hit you with this information in the end zone.

Chris Wilcox – 17/9/3. I told you to grab him in the brief window that he’d be starting and I know you did that because you told me you would.

Jeremy Lin – 10/5/13, as the Knicks are riding a seven-game winning streak. Do we care that he’s turned over the ball six times last night and that his turnover numbers are as bad as his assist number are good? We don’t? Fine. Just checking. Don’t get snippy.

Amar’e Stoudemire – 11/5 in 27 minutes. I miss Amar’e's vertical. Remember that? It was great.

Corey Maggette – 18/3, with a steal. That’s officially two solid contests in a row on a team that one doesn’t usually equate the words “solid” or “contest” with. Do what you gotta.

Kevin Martin – 32 points, 4 threes after playing like poo in three of his last four. Benchslapped like a mofo.

Chase Budinger – Played nine minutes. Feel free to boot him off your team and make blonde jokes at his expense loudly so that he hears you do it.

Shawn Marion – 16/10/6 and guarded by the understudy of the understudy all night long. It looks like the only thing Corey and Kenneth faried was the Matrix from being covered by a damn defender.

Lamar Odom – 14 points on 50 percent shooting. He also had a steal and a block and shot a three and rebounded a little and didn’t really turn the ball over much. So that’s good, right? I can’t quit Lamar. I just can’t. Stop asking me to.

Corey Brewer – 9/7/4, with 5 steals. He also shot 3-for-15 from the field and played terrible D, which would seem crazier if Faried and Kosta Koufas weren’t also starters in this tragedy.

Kosta Koufos – Some gigantic guy wearing an authentic Denver jersey grifted his way onto the court and double-doubled Wednesday night. Woulda been cool if it wasn’t so scary.

Nate Robinson – Scored a season-high 21 (including a triplet of threes) mostly because Ellis and Curry were a cold 6-for-19 from the field. Don’t pick Sugar Nate up … unless it’s so you have something to slap across Curry and Ellis’ face.

Nicolas Batum – 17/4/3, with 2 steals, 2 blocks and 2 threes. The Batum we’ve seen in the last seven games is the Batum we’ve been waiting for ever since Kate Upton was just some chick Dougie-ing at Wizards games. Now Upton is some chick Dougie-ing on magazine covers and Batum is choppin’ heads. Long overdue, Batum. Long overtum.

Blake Griffin – 23/15/3, with a steal. He was underrated last year. Overrated this year. Look for him to be rated next year. Oh, yes. One can almost guarantee Blake Griffin will be rated next year.

Mo Williams – Just kinda taking up space now.