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There are some things in life that we can’t refrain from doing. When you text a crush and you see the reply bubble, you writhe with anticipation. When you drive by an accident and talk shit about all the people rubber necking, of course you gawk because traffic has slowed down anyways. When you buy a lottery ticket, you mental masturbate about what you would do if you won. When James Harden plays basketball, no matter how many times I’ve written him as the lede, I have to do it again because he keeps doing ridiculousness.

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
57 9 2 2 1 5 6/15 17/33 17/18

In 34 minutes! With a supporting cast of P. J. Tucker, Daniel House Jr., Nene Hilario, and Austin Rivers!! Harden had a usage rate of 57.5 last night!!! His true shooting percentage was 69.6!!!! Exclamation points are no longer sufficient to capture the essence of what he’s doing. You ever seen the movie Boomerang?

That’s where we’re at with Harden. He’s making it difficult for NBA defenses. He’s making it difficult for me not to write him as the lede every night. He’s making it difficult for us to even comprehend what he’s doing. Harden difficult indeed.

Here’s what else I saw last night:

Jayson Tatum

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
34 5 3 1 3 0 3/5 12/19 7/11

Led the Celtics in minutes played (36) and shot attempts, as both Kyrie Irving (quad) and Marcus Smart (illness) were out. The 34 points were a career-high, which got Channing to drunkenly tweet, “We A-listers again!” Over the past six games, Tatum has had a usage rate of 25.3 and jacked up 14.3 shots per game, but he’s been a top 100 player for fantasy because of the poor shooting percentage (39% from the field) and lack of contributions in dimes and D.

Terry Rozier

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
7 3 5 1 0 3 1/6 3/12 0

Got the start for Kyrie and only played 25 minutes because he sucked. He was 85% owned in most DFS tourneys, primarily due to the low price, but yuck. Eating chalk sucks most of the time.

Jaylen Brown

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
22 6 0 2 1 0 2/6 9/18 2/3

Got the start for Smart and played 32 minutes. The hot shooting continues, as he’s converted over 50% from the field over the past seven games. That’s probably not sustainable, as he’s more like a 45% shooter, but it’s good to see regardless. I didn’t enjoy the Doo Doo Brown. The free throw shooting, though. 64%. I just don’t get it. Anyways, Brown will provide threeecolas, boards, and steals with not much else.

Brad Wanamaker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 3 4 2 0 1 3/7 4/11 2/2

Played 26 minutes because Rozier sucked. Wanamaker had played 18 games before last night for a total of 134 minutes. You do the math.

D’Angelo Russell

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
34 5 7 1 1 5 7/13 13/26 1/2

Russell was so hot that, if he were a kid sitting in the back seat of the car screaming, “Are we there yet?” he would’ve gotten an actual answer. I’ve poo poo’d Russell like forever ever, but I’ve legit been impressed. Over the past seven games, he’s been a top 25 player. The usage rate has been over 30 and he’s averaging 22.7 points, 3.1 threeecolas, 4 boards, 7.6 dimes, and 1 steal.

Rodions Kurucs

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 4 1 2 0 1 2/4 7/11 3/3

Got the start due to all the injuries (Crabbe, LeVert, Musa, Dudly, Hollis-Jefferson, and Napier) and played 33 minutes. Kurucs is a nice player, as he has length, agility, and range from downtown. Remember, he’s still only 20 years old. When he gets run, he contributes points, threeecolas, boards, and steals with a good shooting percentage. Once the Nets get healthy, though, he will likely get relegated to minutes in the low-20s.

Jarrett Allen

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 12 2 1 4 3 0 5/9 9/10

Played 33 minutes. He’s received at least 30 minutes of run in only 11 games this season, as he usually languishes in the 25-27 minute range. Over the past seven games, Allen has been a top 20 player: 12.3 points, 9.4 boards, 0.9 steals, and 2.3 blocks while shooting 60% from the field and 83% from the line on 4.4 attempts. Atkinson, keep going to Jarrett!

DeMarre Carroll

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
10 14 2 0 1 1 1/9 2/15 5/6

Played 33 minutes off the bench. The shooting percentage stinks (38% from the field on the season) and he doesn’t contribute the D, but ’tis the season for joy and folly if you need points, threeecolas, and boards.

Marc Gasol

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
5 7 4 0 1 7 0 2/5 1/4

Only played 25 minutes due to a hand injury. Gasol opened the season scorching hot, like top 20 hot, but over the past seven games, he’s been a top 170 player.

Mike Conley

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
14 7 7 1 0 5 1/4 5/10 3/3

Led the Grizzlies in minutes played, rebounds, and assists. That’s all you need to know about the night for MEM, as they lost 94-112 to HOU.

Gerald Green

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
14 6 2 1 1 2 4/11 5/13 0

Played 30 minutes off the bench. Green has been a top 110 player over the past seven games due to threeecolas, as he averaged 3.1 makes on 8.3 attempts.

Daniel House Jr.

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
15 4 1 1 0 3 3/7 6/12 0

Got the start and played 36 minutes. Was second on the team in scoring. House has actually been a top 100 player over the past seven games because he’s averaged 30.3 minutes, 10.9 points, 2.1 threeecolas, 4.1 boards, 1.7 dimes, 0.7 steals, and 0.7 blocks.

With Clint Capela out 4-6 weeks (thumb), Nene Hilario got the start and played 14 minutes. He scored 2 points and grabbed 3 rebounds. Marquese Chriss played 7 minutes, grabbed 2 rebounds, and was absolutely horrendous on D. I doubt we see much of him going forward. Isaiah Hartenstein played 7 minutes as well and grabbed 4 rebounds and dished out 1 assist. It looks like the Rockets are going to play small as much as they can while Capela is out.

Kemba Walker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
33 4 5 2 0 1 7/13 13/27 0

A great game, but in the context of what Harden is doing, it ain’t shit. It’s like the prettiest girl in school getting surgery done over the summer. She just took it to another level and did the Vince Carter “It’s over, it’s over” without having to actually do it.

Nicolas Batum

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
7 3 1 2 1 1 1/4 3/6 0

Batum has actually been a top 50 player over the past seven weeks and is a top 120 player for the season. I need an audit on these numbers. Any accountants in the house?

Jeremy Lamb

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 7 2 1 1 2 1/3 8/15 2/2

Played 31 minutes, the first time in four games since returning from injury that he eclipsed the 30 minute mark. He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

The center shituation had Bismack Biyombo get the start and play 22 minutes (9 points, 6 boards, 1 dimes, 1 steal, and 1 block), while Willy Hernangomez played 14 minutes (8 points, 3 boards, and 2 dimes).

For those that live on Narrative Street….

Tony Parker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
8 3 4 0 0 0 0/1 4/12 0

Played 19 minutes in his return to San Antonio. At least the Hornets got the win, 108-93.

LaMarcus Aldridge

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
28 10 4 1 1 0 0 11/17 6/6

Top 15 player over the past seven games. LMA! No one’s laughing now.

Derrick White

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
18 4 7 0 1 0 2/3 7/12 2/3

Top 50 player over the past seven games. White contributes a little something something in every category, but I have a hard time seeing the 62% shooting from the field continuing.

Davis Bertans

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
8 6 2 0 2 1 2/5 3/6 0

Played 29 minutes off the bench. Bertans is a low-volume, stretch big who will provide threeecolas, boards, and some D stats. Has been getting more run with Rudy Gay out (wrist), but Gay is expected back soon.

Blake Griffin

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 4 4 1 1 4 3/11 7/17 2/2

A block! A block! I’m as excited as the fat kid who found Willy Wonka’s golden ticket.

Andre Drummond

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
15 13 1 3 0 0 0/1 6/17 3/4

Dre has been a top 85 player over the past eight games, but he’s still third in dub-dubs with 34 on the season. Joel Embiid leads the league with 36. I’ve been sad that we haven’t been able to listen to Dre Day recently, but he needs to ball out for that to happen. Let us all hold hands and pray.

Ish Smith

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
8 1 2 1 1 0 1/3 3/9 1/2

Returned from injury and played 19 minutes.

Rudy Gobert

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
18 25 3 0 2 1 0 6/9 6/8

Top 25 player. Fifth in blocks and rebounds in the NBA.

Donovan Mitchell

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
28 5 2 2 0 4 3/7 9/21 7/9

No Ricky Rubio, no Raul Neto means point guard duties went to Mitchell, who had a 33.3 usage rate last night. Over the past eight games, Mitchell has been a top 20 player, averaging 36.1 minutes, 27.1 points, 3.4 threeecolas, 4.3 boards, 4.8 dimes, 1.1 steals, and 0.6 blocks.

Kyle Korver

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 2 1 0 0 2 5/11 5/14 4/4

Played 32 minutes. Will all the injuries, Korver has seen an uptick in minutes and shot attempts. Ditto for Grayson Allen, who contributed 8 points, 1 rebound, 1 assist, and 1 block in 20 minutes.

Al-Farouq Aminu

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 11 3 2 0 1 1/2 3/8 6/9

There are two things in this world that I rarely question: the time and production from Aminu. The shooting percentage sucks, but you’re getting points, threeecolas, rebounds, and steals. Like clockwork.

Damian Lillard

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
35 3 5 1 0 6 4/12 11/27 9/9

Like clockwork.

C. J. McCollum

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
6 6 1 1 0 3 0/1 2/14 2/2

For someone so meh, C. J. sure does have a wide range of outcomes. He can put up top 25 numbers on any given night, but can also be top 100.

Jusuf Nurkic

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
6 11 5 0 1 1 0 3/7 0/1

Nurkic is also inconsistent, but his range has been tighter than McCollums. Over the past eight games, he’s been a top 15 player. Last night was the floor.

De’Aaron Fox

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
16 2 9 2 0 0 1/3 3/11 9/10

Top 50 player. The Kings play at the second-fastest pace in the league and are one of only two teams that play 12 games during the fantasy playoffs.

Buddy Hield

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 7 0 0 0 1 2/4 7/10 3/3

Led the Kings in scoring. Buddy won’t provide much in the D cats, but he’s been shooting 53% from the field over the past eight games and draining 4.1 threeecolas per game!

Marvin Bagley III

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 11 1 0 0 1 0/1 6/12 1/5

Played 24 minutes off the bench. Nemanja Bjelica got the start but only played 21 minutes. They will likely continue splitting the power forward minutes.

Harry Giles

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
12 4 2 0 1 1 0 6/7 0

Played 19 minutes, while Kosta Koufos DNP-CD. I’m intrigued as it looks like Giles has overtaken Koufos and will soak up all the backup center minutes. The sample size is small, so anything can happen, but it looks like it’s really happening. Giles is very skilled on the offensive end and is a plus passer.

Bogdan Bogdanovic

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
18 2 3 1 1 5 2/3 8/13 0

Played 31 minutes off the bench. BogBog’s role is the guy off the bench and his role looks to be secure. Over the past eight games, he’s been a top 85 player, contributing in points, threeecolas, boards, dimes, and steals.

Anthony Davis

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
46 16 4 3 1 1 2/5 16/34 12/12

Just another day at the office. Good thing AD’s mom isn’t a Chinese Tiger Mom. Only 46 points? Why not 50?! Only 16 rebounds? Why you no hustle? 20 minimum. Why you no pass the ball? But mom, I did. My t….SLAP! Shut up! You should have 10 assists every night! Only 3 steals?! The Japanese came into our country and stole all our food, women, and supplies. Only 1 block?! I cook, clean, wash clothes, help you with your homework, drive you to school, and all you can muster is 1 measly block?! 2-for-5 from downtown? 16-for-34 from the field? It’s 100% or failure. You understand?! Ok, 12-for-12 good from the line. I was about to slap you again. Now get out there and practice some more.

Julius Randle

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
27 6 5 1 0 3 0/3 10/19 7/9

Continues to start and played 33 minutes. Nikola Mirotic only played 17 minutes, but is still getting back into the groove from missing time due to injury. Randle has been a top 50 player over the past six games. As Mirotic gets more minutes, Randle will likely return to top 75-80 production.

Jrue Holiday

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 5 8 3 2 1 2/6 8/24 1/3

Top 20 player. 20.8 points, 1.6 threeecolas, 4.6 boards, 8.3 dimes, 1.7 steals, and 0.8 blocks. The numbers speak for themselves.

Danilo Gallinari

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
25 4 6 2 0 4 6/9 8/13 3/3

Top 30-ish player for fantasy. I can’t wait for next year, when everyone drafts him in the third or fourth round, and he gets hurt two weeks into the season.

Tobias Harris

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
21 6 3 0 1 1 5/7 7/11 2/3

Straight Cash Homie!

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
0 0 2 0 1 2 0/1 0/3 0

Played 13 minutes. Prior to last night, Shai had played 17, 20, 21, 23, 19, and 20 minutes.

Montrezl Harrell

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
26 10 4 0 0 3 0/1 10/16 6/9

Played 34 minutes off the bench. Top 40 player over the past seven games. Points, boards, steals, blocks, and a handful of dimes. Usage rate of 25.7 over that span.

Patrick Beverley

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
3 11 7 0 3 2 1/2 1/3 0

Played 25 minutes off the bench. Well, if SGA isn’t going to play, someone has to. Beverley has a usage rate at 8.4 over the past seven games, so don’t expect much scoring, but he will contribute in boards, dimes, and surprisingly blocks.

Lou Williams

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
18 5 5 1 0 1 1/6 6/19 5/6

Played 30 minutes. Sweet! Usually he gets around 25-27 minutes of run. Lou and Harrell make for a potent combo off the bench. With a usage rate of close to 32, it’s a shame Lou doesn’t get more run.