JB – Welcome to the first annual 2013-2014 NBA Razzies! A celebration and a spectacle of everything that went wrong for fantasy owners in the 2013-2014 NBA season. We opened polls for fantasy owners to submit their votes on deserving nominees, and the tallies are in, the nominees are here, there really isn’t a more spectacular night for NBA fans, is there Slim?
Slim – That’s right JB, the entire Sydney Opera House is teeming with excitement as we welcome in the nominees, celebrities… I just talked with Jack Nicholson a moment ago, so glad he could make it out to support his Lakers.
JB – You know, I was surprised we could book this at the Sydney Opera House – –
Slim – Don’t doubt the straws I can pull in my native country!
JB – Well then, let’s take a look at the red carpet, ohhhhh over there I spot Raymond Felton in his “Guns Don’t Kill People, I Kill People” T-Shirt, very fitting…
Slim – And over there I see Josh Smith… And he appears to be handing out some sort of baked items…
JB – …I believe he’s got… Yes, those are baked apple turnovers, he’s handing out turnovers to all his fans, brilliant – just brilliant.
Slim – On that note, it looks like we’re heading into our first award, so let’s cut to the stage and start awarding the first annual Razzies:
Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:
Larry Drew – MIL (126)
Mike D’Antoni – LAL (45)
Tyrone Corbin – UTA (5)
Larry Drew – Oh man, there are so many people I’d like to thank! I have about 48 seconds to divvy out right? So I’ll start with Brandon Knight who always is there for me, then maybe 20 seconds to Nate Wolters, NO, strike that maybe 5, I’ll get to John Henson later for a few seconds, WAIT, maybe I should’ve started with him! Giannis Ante… Anteto… Well Antenotgonnagetanyplayingtime that’s for sure. Um… Ummmm… Silence for 10 seconds then music plays. Thank god, I just needed it to be summer already…
The worst fantasy impacting injury:
Derrick Rose – CHI (84)
Al Horford – ATL (49)
Kobe Bryant – LAL (12)
Brook Lopez – BKN (9)
Derrick Rose – Fantasy owners sure got a kiss from the Rose this year! It sucks going through another jacked up knee, giving me less functional knees than Oscar Pistorius. Which is pretty much what I did to fantasy teams this year. You been Pistorius-ed!
Biggest bust who didn’t get hurt:
Jonas Valanciunas – TOR (93)
George Hill – IND (25)
Jeff Green – BOS (20)
Enes Kanter – UTA (20)
Limps onto stage – You all are jackasses for voting me to this award right before I threw out my back. Throws Razzie on the ground.
Worst Slim call:
Patrick Beverley – HOU (78)
Giannis Antetokounmpo – MIL (32)
Steven Adams – OKC (28)
Alec Burks – UTA (9)
Patrick Beverley – This is going to look great on my mantle right next to my All Defensive 1st Team trophy but don’t worry I’m not bitter. Most people wrote me off, said I’d never play in the NBA, but I paid my dues and finally this year I averaged nearly 32 minutes per game as the starting PG on a playoff team. Oh wait, that’s right, ‘you people’ don’t care much about that do you? Well I gave you 3s, I gave you steals, half a block, and I didn’t hurt your free throw percent or your turnovers. Why am I even here explaining myself? Slim has no idea what he’s talking about, he just likes people based off of how well they’re names can be made into jokes. I’m outta here. Peace.
Worst JB call:
Jonas Valanciunas – TOR (104)
Kyrie Irving – CLE (23)
Ricky Rubio – MIN (21)
Limps even slower to the stage, using a cane this time. Punches the presenter in the face. Walks off.
Worst team for fantasy goodness:
Milwaukee Bucks (88)
Boston Celtics (19)
Utah Jazz (18)
Brooklyn Nets (18)
Bucks GM John Hammond – It feels like forever ago that I was named the NBA Executive of the year, the ’09-‘010 season if you were wondering. See I can show you, I had the trophy surgically attached to my forearm. Lately I’ve had to answer a lot of questions about the future of the Bucks, Larry Drew, and myself. Instead of answering though I just shine my Exec of the year trophy and everyone gets quiet. I’ve heard people say it’s a metaphor for how I deflect from the problems of the team and hide behind my previous accomplishments but I don’t agree with that at all and this award proves it. It shows that no matter the adversity the Bucks organization faces I’m going to stand by my decisions and do nothing. Oh wait… He hides behind his forearm and shuffles off stage.
Worst ratio killer:
Josh Smith – DET (63)
Dwight Howard – HOU (29)
Brandon Jennings – DET (25)
Andre Drummond – DET (14)
Josh Smith – Sobbing. You like me, you really like me! I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I have a list here of people to thank. First off thanks mom, dad, without you none of this would have been possible. My Coach, Maurice Cheeks, when everyone said I shouldn’t shoot so many jumpers you were there for me, well besides when you benched me. MY GM, Joe Dumars, for giving me a 4-year, $54 million dollar contract when no one else would. And of course my teamates, it must have been tough to watch me shoot the same low percentage shot over and over but you hung in there with me just so that I could be here now holding this award. Music Begins Playing… I know I forgot someone. Oh you guys, you drafting me expecting big things and I didn’t let you down. This one’s for you!
Worst off the court issues:
Larry Sanders – MIL (115)
Raymond Felton – NYK (19)
Brandon Jennings – MIL (4)
Sprints to the podium – Hell yea I won somethin’! You think I care about how I actually did on the court?! If you guys haven’t heard, I’m rich bitch! Let’s get the real party started! Get that up tempo beat goin’, DJ! Let’s get partyin’! Club music begins playing. Someone in the front row pops a bottle of champagne, spraying it on stage. WHAT THE… WHO SPRAYIN’ THAT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? Charges into the crowd swinging. Quick cut back to:
JB – Well, that about ends it for our first annual Fantasy Basketball Razzie awards, Slim. A fitting end with a Malace in the Razz-palace…
Slim – Yeah that’s a stretch JB…
JB – A stretch indeed, and we’ll see you all next year for the second annual Razzies!