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JB - Welcome to the first annual 2013-2014 NBA Razzies!  A celebration and a spectacle of everything that went wrong for fantasy owners in the 2013-2014 NBA season.  We opened polls for fantasy owners to submit their votes on deserving nominees, and the tallies are in, the nominees are here, there really isn’t a more spectacular night for NBA fans, is there Slim?

Slim - That’s right JB, the entire Sydney Opera House is teeming with excitement as we welcome in the nominees, celebrities… I just talked with Jack Nicholson a moment ago, so glad he could make it out to support his Lakers.

JB - You know, I was surprised we could book this at the Sydney Opera House – –

Slim - Don’t doubt the straws I can pull in my native country!

Awkward Silence

JB - Well then, let’s take a look at the red carpet, ohhhhh over there I spot Raymond Felton in his “Guns Don’t Kill People, I Kill People” T-Shirt, very fitting…

Slim - And over there I see Josh Smith… And he appears to be handing out some sort of baked items…

JB - …I believe he’s got… Yes, those are baked apple turnovers, he’s handing out turnovers to all his fans, brilliant – just brilliant.

Slim - On that note, it looks like we’re heading into our first award, so let’s cut to the stage and start awarding the first annual Razzies:

Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:

Larry Drew – MIL (126)

Mike D’Antoni – LAL (45)

Tyrone Corbin – UTA (5)

Larry Drew – Oh man, there are so many people I’d like to thank!  I have about 48 seconds to divvy out right?  So I’ll start with Brandon Knight who always is there for me, then maybe 20 seconds to Nate Wolters, NO, strike that maybe 5, I’ll get to John Henson later for a few seconds, WAIT, maybe I should’ve started with him!  Giannis Ante… Anteto…  Well Antenotgonnagetanyplayingtime that’s for sure.  Um… Ummmm… Silence for 10 seconds then music plays. Thank god, I just needed it to be summer already…

The worst fantasy impacting injury:

Derrick Rose – CHI (84)

Al Horford – ATL (49)

Kobe Bryant – LAL (12)

Brook Lopez – BKN (9)

Derrick Rose – Fantasy owners sure got a kiss from the Rose this year!  It sucks going through another jacked up knee, giving me less functional knees than Oscar Pistorius.  Which is pretty much what I did to fantasy teams this year.  You been Pistorius-ed!

Biggest bust who didn’t get hurt:

Jonas Valanciunas – TOR (93)

George Hill – IND (25)

Jeff Green – BOS (20)

Enes Kanter – UTA (20)

Limps onto stage – You all are jackasses for voting me to this award right before I threw out my back.  Throws Razzie on the ground.

Worst Slim call:

Patrick Beverley – HOU (78)

Giannis Antetokounmpo – MIL (32)

Steven Adams – OKC (28)

Alec Burks – UTA (9)

Patrick Beverley – This is going to look great on my mantle right next to my All Defensive 1st Team trophy but don’t worry I’m not bitter.  Most people wrote me off, said I’d never play in the NBA, but I paid my dues and finally this year I averaged nearly 32 minutes per game as the starting PG on a playoff team.  Oh wait, that’s right, ‘you people’ don’t care much about that do you?  Well I gave you 3s, I gave you steals, half a block, and I didn’t hurt your free throw percent or your turnovers.  Why am I even here explaining myself?  Slim has no idea what he’s talking about, he just likes people based off of how well they’re names can be made into jokes.  I’m outta here.  Peace.

Worst JB call:

Jonas Valanciunas – TOR (104)

Kyrie Irving – CLE (23)

Ricky Rubio – MIN (21)

Limps even slower to the stage, using a cane this time.  Punches the presenter in the face.  Walks off.

Worst team for fantasy goodness:

Milwaukee Bucks (88)

Boston Celtics (19)

Utah Jazz (18)

Brooklyn Nets (18)

Bucks GM John Hammond – It feels like forever ago that I was named the NBA Executive of the year, the ’09-‘010 season if you were wondering.  See I can show you, I had the trophy surgically attached to my forearm.  Lately I’ve had to answer a lot of questions about the future of the Bucks, Larry Drew, and myself.  Instead of answering though I just shine my Exec of the year trophy and everyone gets quiet.  I’ve heard people say it’s a metaphor for how I deflect from the problems of the team and hide behind my previous accomplishments but I don’t agree with that at all and this award proves it.  It shows that no matter the adversity the Bucks organization faces I’m going to stand by my decisions and do nothing.  Oh wait…  He hides behind his forearm and shuffles off stage.

Worst ratio killer:

Josh Smith – DET (63)

Dwight Howard – HOU (29)

Brandon Jennings – DET (25)

Andre Drummond – DET (14)

Josh Smith – Sobbing. You like me, you really like me! I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I have a list here of people to thank. First off thanks mom, dad, without you none of this would have been possible. My Coach, Maurice Cheeks, when everyone said I shouldn’t shoot so many jumpers you were there for me, well besides when you benched me. MY GM, Joe Dumars, for giving me a 4-year, $54 million dollar contract when no one else would. And of course my teamates, it must have been tough to watch me shoot the same low percentage shot over and over but you hung in there with me just so that I could be here now holding this award. Music Begins Playing… I know I forgot someone. Oh you guys, you drafting me expecting big things and I didn’t let you down. This one’s for you!

Worst off the court issues:

Larry Sanders – MIL (115)

Raymond Felton – NYK (19)

Brandon Jennings – MIL (4)

Sprints to the podium – Hell yea I won somethin’!  You think I care about how I actually did on the court?!  If you guys haven’t heard, I’m rich bitch!  Let’s get the real party started!  Get that up tempo beat goin’, DJ!  Let’s get partyin’! Club music begins playing.  Someone in the front row pops a bottle of champagne, spraying it on stage.  WHAT THE…  WHO SPRAYIN’ THAT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????  Charges into the crowd swinging.  Quick cut back to:

JB - Well, that about ends it for our first annual Fantasy Basketball Razzie awards, Slim.  A fitting end with a Malace in the Razz-palace…

Slim - Yeah that’s a stretch JB…

JB - A stretch indeed, and we’ll see you all next year for the second annual Razzies!

From Around The Web

  1. Clyde Prompto says:
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    Hahaha, nicely done. That’s also probably the first time someone has ever described one of Ray Felton’s shirts as “fitting.”

    • PedroF says:
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      @Clyde Prompto: Have to admit I laughed with this comment!

    • Sio says:
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      @Clyde Prompto: raymond “round mound of roundness” felton? I’m pretty sure every shirt fits like surgical gloves over a very fat surgeon’s hands.

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Clyde Prompto: Haha thanks man! Hey, if you got midriff, it still fittin

  2. Bi-Felicia says:
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    Larry Drew still has a job!!! That’s the joke HAHA

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Bi-Felicia: Haha – still has the job AND won an award!

  3. JashFath

    JashFath says:
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    Love the Larry Drew acceptance speech. Such a bum!

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @JashFath: Thanks man! Dude is gonna just do nothing for all Summer then phone it in next year

  4. Shaft says:
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    Antenotgonnagetanyplayingtime…. Amazing

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Shaft: Haha thanks man! Would be a fitting name change…

  5. Zar says:
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    To think I had Sanders, Henson, Anteguy, and Middleton on one team at one point…..

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Zar: Oh man, team of Razzies!

      • Zar says:
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        @JB Gilpin: Does it help that I paired them with Kevin Durant? Does that make that team redeemable?

        • JB Gilpin

          JB Gilpin says:
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          @Zar: Hah for sure, Durant and a team of pickups could make it to the finals!

  6. Lasandro says:
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    Haha loved it! Glad to know I contributed to Larry’s success

    On the fantasy front, I’m in need of some good pts, with a three, good assists and anything else. I just traded Oladipo for Rubio and am now inclined to swap my Nelson with someone on the wire because he’s not in the best of shape right now and even when he returns, not sure if they’ll slowly shut him down. Which would serve as a worthy swap: Meeks, J Jack, Foye? If only Meeks had stronger assists numbers, I wouldn’t bat an eye picking him. Interested to know who you deem the best ROS. Or perhaps I should hold Nelson afterall?

    • Lasandro says:
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      Sessions and R Jax available too.. Both very intriguing

    • Lasandro says:
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      Felton’s there also

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Lasandro: Wow nice move for Rubio! Like it a lot. Yeah Nelson is def droppable now. Sessions R Jax and Jack are all intriguing indeed, after tonight I think it’s Jack for the upside. Going to be the lead tomo. 2nd round of playoffs baby!

      • Lasandro says:
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        @JB Gilpin: Thanks homez! Just left another querie below

    • Lasandro says:
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      Sorry to add to all this but K Marshall is on my squad too. I recently traded for him thinking I’d get a massive upgrade in assists but Dohtoni seems happy to play Bazemore just as much at the point position. Do I swap him for any of these players instead? I’m leaning towards Jack. He gives me stats I need, without the fts and 3s, which is what I like in meeks

      • Lasandro says:
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        Decided to swap Nelson for Jack. Out of pride, I need my recent Marshall trade to pay some dividends for me haha. Not quite sure why he aint logging 30+ like when he first tore it up for LA earlier. he did have an absolute stinker today, as far as assists and turnovers are concerned

        • JB Gilpin

          JB Gilpin says:
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          @Lasandro: Ugh yeah Kendall seems done-ish. Yeah I’d get Jack over him. Nelson I would’ve too. Yeah I was holding onto Kendall in one league and made the drop for Mozgov for tomorrow with no Hickson (and needed a big)

  7. Daniel Bryan says:
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    Can’t believe I got eliminated in the playoffs by JORDAN FREAKING HILL. Anyway, in my other league, I added Jordan Hill for Henson. Is this a good move for you?

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Daniel Bryan: Yeah I think so, rather Hill right now while hot. Man that sucks he bounced ya out though… Can’t beat em then join em! Haha

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