It’s crunch time people. We are in the playoffs and it’s balls to the wall from here on out. No long intro this week fortunately or unfortunately for you, as my body is still trying to repulse the HPV that Tahitian drag queen gave me in Bora Bora. I can hardly keep my eyes open for you, the readers, I would never leave hanging. Let’s hop right into this past weekend’s hit or miss performances.
Charlie Villanueva- 18 points and 4 rebounds. “My seats are suede my luggage is louie, and every bitch in the projects wanna do me.” That’s what Charles had to say after this tremendous breakout performance. If anyone knows where they make suede drawls please send me the link cuz that sounds fabulous. Should you pick up Villanueva? Probably not.
Kemba Walker- 25 points, 3 dimes and 4 steals. Shocking that Walker’s college game translated into becoming one of the streakiest players in the league. It’s actually not shocking whatsoever. Baby he was born this way.
Terrence Ross- 13 points and 6 boards. Talk of Gay being shut down makes Ross extremely appealing. How appealing? Kate Upton slathered in bacon grease, apple clenched in the mouth and butterscotch in the ass. That may be going too far but your intelligent people so I’m sure you’re picking up what I’m throwing down.
Kenyon Martin- 18 points, 7 boards and 2 blocks. The resurrection of K-Mart!!! Bad ass yellow boy! What a great tat.
George Hill- 11 points and 2 assists. These numbers are about as enthralling as Joey from Full House doing stand up. “Is it made of……..Wood!?” I must admit that beaver always slayed me. Still does. One would think that the point guard of the Pacers would be able to put up more substantial numbers playing with some talented scorers but Hill hasn’t risen to my personal challenge, nor has he responded to any of my hate mail.
Kirk Hinrich- 2 points and 5 dimes. Good to have you back in Chicago Kirk. White American point guards taken in the lottery ALWAYS work out. Mr. Rose needs to donate whatever he made from those adidas adds to the Bulls Season ticket holders. Not only was this a wasted season but it subjected us to having to watch Hinrich play massive minutes.
Jordan Crawford- 21 points, 5 boards, and 3 assists. I prefer Crawford to Courtney Lee so if you own Lee feel to drop it like it’s hot and replace him with this young gunna.
Jerryd Bayless- 30 points, 4 boards and 3 assists. Bayless just erupted as I once did after being inspired by the great Josh Hartnett in the film 40 days and 40 nights, to become celibate. Pulling a Pee-Wee Herman wasn’t quite the same as boning a hot temptress as Hartnett did in the movie, nor was it making an even hotter chick orgasm by blowing flower petals on her cooch, but hey it felt exquisite none the less.
DeMarcus Cousins- 24 points, 15 boards, 3 assists and 5 blocks. Cousins should theoretically play this way on a nightly basis, but unfortunately for us he cares more about strippers and bon bons. Can you really blame him though?
JaVale McGee- 11 points, 3 boards and 2 blocks. They gave this guy a 55 million dollar extension to only play 11 minutes? Look, I know the guy is a complete and utter fool but his production per minutes played is out of this world. Imagine if McGee played 33 minutes a night. Dear George Karl, please remove Koufos from the starting lineup and either have him spray paint in that bald spot or bic the whole thing. We can’t have that in the NBA.
Kris Humphries- 0 points and 2 boards. Shoulda had Jay drop him from the team. I once considered this hunk an above average starting power forward in this league. I now consider him Kanye West’s whipping boy and less than a man.
Blake Griffin- 11 points, 7 boards, and 4 assists. How are putrid numbers like this even possible for such a beautifully created creature of God. I would give both my balls and my chicken to have half of Griffin’s explosiveness, but hey, I’m sure he would give up the same to write like me too……..Or Not.
Cartier Martin- 23 points and 3 assists. Named after the famous Cartier jewelry, Martin shined entrancingly on the competition Sunday. He’s ready for the big time Ma.
Harrison Barnes- 16 points and 8 boards. It would be nice if Barnes could achieve these numbers nightly. It would be nice if I was rich, had Grey’s following and kept a stable of ebony mares to ride me on command. One of the two things is a possibility.
Ersan Ilyasova- 19 points and 10 boards. The euro trash we all know and love.
Jeffery Taylor- 8 points and 5 boards. Still trying to figure out why Charlotte drafted two small forwards in this past draft. Still trying to figure out why there is still a professional basketball team in Charlotte.
King James- 32 points, 8 boards and 10 dimes. Bow down to the King. Don’t look him in the eye, for he is more man than you and you may shrivel into nothingness.
Tony Parker- 23 points, 4 boards and 7 dimes. The Spurs point guard is back and there is no need to worry my friends. No word on wether Brent Barry has given his ex-wife the pimp slap she so avidly deserved for having an affair with this hideous Frenchman. One can only hope.
Chandler Parsons- 20 points and 8 boards. See here.
Kevin Martin- 11 points. The minuscule point totals this former potent scorer has been putting up as of late make me limp. Sort of like when I watch that commercial with Kevin Durant and that housewife and imagine them having sexual intercourse.
Nate Robinson- 22 points and 11 assists. Nasty Nate has a place in the NBA and can have a spot on my fantasy team any day. I like what the young boy is workin with.
Derrick Williams- 28 points and 5 boards. I prophesied this moment like Negrodamus and it’s come into fruition. Shower me with the praise and adoration.
Enes Kanter- 17 points and 4 boards. I would love to see this European sensation get more minutes but Utah seems to love having a log jam at the center and power forward spot even though it holds back their franchise from becoming any kind of factor.
Kris Humphries- 17 points and 8 boards. I spoke to soon! Eat that Kanye. What does Humph’s Schlong taste like?
Wesley Johnson- 21 points, 5 boards and 2 steals. Are the T-Wolves glad they gave this guy away for nothing so they could make an offer sheet to Batum that was eventually matched? How in the name of Jehovah does David Kaaaaaahn have a job? I’m available, though I would give Razzball the option of matching my salary to keep me. Johnson’s an interesting pick up for the playoffs.
Thaddeus Young- 14 points and 6 boards. The numbers continue to disappoint as Young should be putting up a minimum of 20 a game on this team. Still ownable obviously.
Isaiah Thomas- 25 points and 3 boards. Steal of the NBA draft last season. Steal of the fantasy draft this season.
That is all for today good readers of Razzball. As per usual your questions will be responded to in very timely fashion. The fact that you come to me for advice warms my heart. Sorry, the crash of the mass amount of energy drinks I pounded today in getting ready for fantasy baseball season has me extra emotional. Talk to you next week.