It’s a story as old as time. Hot girl from a different continent arrives at the new local high school. All the dudes go goo-goo gah gah over said hot girl. Popular girls at high school, who were the hot girls before are now relegated to has-been status. But they ain’t going out like that. They get their hair done, splash some intoxicating perfume on, hike up their skirts, and flash some boob, then voila! All the dudes in the house go, what? WHAT?! LaMelo Ball was the hot girl and got all the love and attention in the preseason with his fancy passes and what not, but Terry Rozier wasn’t impressed.
You better recognize!!! A career-high! And in 38 minutes. Holy three-pointers, Batman! Someone was hucking and chucking like his job was on the line. Last season, Rozier attempted 10 or more tres in eight games. Now, he’s not going to shoot 65% every night. Duh, as he’s a career 39% shooter from the field. In addition, LaMelo is going to get more run as the season progresses, so enjoy this 40-burger for what it was: an outlier performance.
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The Rockets vs. Thunder game was postponed due to Covid. Good times.
P. J. Washington
Yuck, and only played 21 minutes. PJ struggled during the preseason so something carried over into the regular season. My guess is that he’s missing some B.
As good as advertised. Still, the Hornets lost to the Cavs, 114-121. Remember that movie Big? Instead of a body change, how about a simple name change? That’s easy. Michael Gordon is proud to introduce his newest star, #20 Jordan Hayward. The wins should start flowing in.
Played 37 minutes. Now, this is the type of shooting performance we expect from the Charlotte backcourt. The Graham cracker tastes good, but it’s fragile and leaves too many crumbs on the ground. If you want those precious dimes, you have to live with the fallout in field goal percentage.
Played 16 minutes off the bench. His time will come. Patience grasshoppers.
The center rotation for the Hornets was interesting.
Zeller got the start but only played 19 minutes while Biyombo played 22 minutes off the bench. My guess is that Biyombo played more to match up with Andre Drummond. With that said, Zeller probably won’t get more than 24 minutes of run in a game anyway and is a trade candidate as the season progresses.
Larry Nance Jr.
Got the start in place of Kevin Love (calf) and played 34 minutes. Stat. Sheet. Stuffer. The blocks are the most encouraging thing from last night, as he usually doesn’t get his Mutombo on. Now, why the F don’t the Cavs unleash him? Would the romance for Nance be too much for the city to handle?
It was a Dre Day, but not an Ice Cube good day. Drummond only played 27 minutes in this one. Not exactly sure why, so it’s something I’m keeping my eye on. The only logical explanation is that the Cavs are saving him for the playoffs.
Shoot first, ask questions later. I kid…sort of. Sexton can induce multiple orgasms with his shooting and scoring, and usually doesn’t like sharing, so the five dimes is a pleasant surprise. It’s possible that he got sent to the corner one too many times and finally learned that sharing is caring.
Played 33 minutes and could be one of the best late-round selections. He’s going to play alot and is displaying across-the-board offensive chops. He shot 40% from the field last season, so let’s see if the efficiency gains are for real. Garland is only rostered in 41% of Yahoo leagues. I’d scoop him up if he’s available.
The rookie got the start and played 34 minutes! The usage was sub-10% last night, so not sure how much upside Okoro can offer, but he’s out there and we know that minutes are half the battle. Yo, Joe!
In 19 minutes off the bench. McGee will rarely play more than 20 minutes per game, but he can provide some boards and blocks
Holy shit balls! Lake got his B back. Congrats, Blake! Now, how many more games until his next one? I’ll set the O/U at 10 games.
One of the favorite late-round centers, Plumlee delivered a solid performance. The dimes are for real, but I wouldn’t expect six every game, more like three to four. He’s going to grab boards and provide excellent field goal percentage. The only bugaboo is the free throw percentage. Maybe he’s gone next level: if he never has to shoot a free throw then he cannot miss.
Yeah, about that whole alpha thing. I’m beginning to think Grant ate a few too many edibles when all the offers were on the table. Naw, not edibles. More like shrooms and LCD.
Got the start but only played 21 minutes. He’s Killian softly with his play. It’s going to take time but the future is bright. At least he’s starting. <cough> LaMelo <cough>
Led the team in shot attempts and was fourth with 29 minutes. Things that make you go hmmmm. He’s bounced around the league, but Dwayne Casey was the coach to finally elevate Christian Wood. Someone I’d keep an eye on.
Only played 30 minutes. The sky is falling! Don’t worry. This is why KAT was in the conversation for the overall number one pick. He produces across the board without hurting in any cat. KAT? The only reason to dislike KAT? If you’re a dog person. Meow.
Did not start due to his Covid test not arriving on time. Still played 33 minutes off the bench.
The power forward was a shit show for the Timberwolves. Jake Layman got the start but only played 17 minutes, while Juan Hernangomez played 12 minutes. I actually thought Hernangomez could be a sleeper. I’m a stupid, stupid man. If you’re wondering why there are no stat lines, it’s because they suck and you have problems if you’re searching for Layman and Juancho stat boxes!
Played 25 minutes off the bench. I knew the efficiency would be rough, but I was told there would be steals. The four dimes were a pleasant surprise. Hopefully, he is not Wiggins 2.0 because we saw what the OG Wiggins brings to the table.
Played 31 minutes. Pop is unleashing him! Hallelujah! If you weren’t sliding into the DMs before, don’t be a buster and start now!
Aaaaaaaaaalmost messed around. Man, what a freaking line. Hang that shit up in the Louvre. You know why Double-D doesn’t shoot tres? Because he’s always aiming for number one.
Lonnie Walker IV
Got the start and played 34 minutes, as Derrick White (toe) is still recovering. The Black and Grey label oozes potential and should be fantasy relevant for as long as White is out.
Got the surprise start and played 32 minutes. This Johnson performed at an elevated level in the Bubble, but was dealing with a foot issue during the preseason. Looks like he took the Viagra, though, because the performance was more than satisfactory.
The double-double machine, JV always performs at a varsity level. With Jaren Jackson Jr. (knee) out, JV played 30 minutes, which is a lovely sight because he averaged 26.5 mpg last season.
Is Morant good? Ja. Does he provide across-the-board production? Ja. Is he a robot created by the Russians to infiltrate our most cherished cultural institution? Ja.
Only played 18 minutes due to foul trouble and the Bulls sucking. ATL 124. CHI 104. It’s a shame too because Clint Capela (Achilles) did not play so Collins soaked up some center minutes.
There’s en fuego, then there’s what Trae did on Wednesday. Let’s go to Susie, who is standing outside the Hawks locker room. Trae, describe your unbelieveable shooting performace today? Well, Susie, it was just another Trae Day. See you at the after party.
Came off the bench and played 25 minutes. I wouldn’t worry too much about whether he start or comes off the bench. There are pros to each situation and the fantasy environment will remain juicy regardless. Just keep an eye on the minutes.
A solid game and shooting performance from Markkanen. I’m a believer, but this is a make or break year for him.
The rookie got the start and played 33 minutes! Williams will provide the defensive stats, but what’s most impressive, is his ability to score from all three levels. He’s rostered in only 12% of Yahoo leagues. I’d scoop him up if he’s available.
So now we figured out who Terry Rozier changed bodies with! White will be fine, but if you need a different shade of color right now, go drink that bottle of <insert alchohol of choice> and black out.
Played a team-high 37 minutes and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalmost messed around. What a freaking game from Ingram. As a Lakers fan, it makes me happy to see him develop and ball out like this. This is one of the cases where I should just shut the F up and let the numbers do the talking.
Zion is a beast on the boards but he’s going to need to develop a J to shoot over the wall that many teams will employ against him. The defensive stats were nice, and is something we expect to improve over time, but the lack of tres and poor free throw shooting are going to be painful and prohibit him from being a great category player for fantasy.
Got the start at center and played 28 minutes. Points, boards, and tres are what we expected, and that’s what Baynes delivered. Don’t expect defensive stats, though, but there is upside in points and tres. The encouraging thing about last night’s performance was the 28 minutes. Yo, Joe!
Points, tres, dimes, and a shit ton of minutes. 39 to be exact. Yummy. The six turnovers? Yuck. Expect more boards, but you got your 10 dimes. Now shut up and be happy.
We knew the steals were elite from FVV and that the shooting efficiency would be an issue, but 3 for 12?
Played 15 minutes off the bench. Boucher is a per-minute stud, but Nick Nurse obviously doesn’t trust him for a full allotment of minutes.
Played 39 minutes! Yahtzee! This is why I loved Toronto players going into drafts. They are going to play a ton of minutes. Class? Yo, Joe! Now, Siakam’s performance wasn’t great, but it wasn’t Bubble doo doo-esque, so that’s a win.
Only three bench players for the Raptors played more than 10 minutes.
Played a whopping 42 minutes in an OT game. Barnes was definitely not meh so I have to give props. Mehrrison Barnes. I can never resist.
All of those hyping up Fox were not crazy. Interestingly, while the field goal percentage has improved every season, the free throw shooting has decreased every year. Hopefully, last night was an indication of good things to come.
Played 41 minutes!
Looks like he and Luke Walton are buddies as well. Did you know that Hield was second in total tres attempts last season with 688? Now you know. And knowing is half the battle. Yo, Joe! What’s nice about Hield is that he will chip in some boards, dimes, and steals. A true buddy.
The center rotation for the Kings had Richaun Holmes starting and playing 23 minutes, while Hassan Whiteside came off the bench and played 18 minutes. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Their stats lines were eerily similar, as both attempted six shots, grabbed nine boards, had a dime, and blocked a shot.
Trade Fox! Don’t fall for the bananna in the tailpipe.
Played 30 minutes off the bench, which is encouraging, but the Kings played an overtime game and had players in foul trouble. I’d keep an eye on the rotations going forward, though.
Got the start and played 36 minutes. Whoa. If he dies, he dies, I guess. Millsap has been playing well, but he averaged 24.3 minutes per game last season.
Michael Porter Jr.
Got the start and only played but 30 minutes, but wow. This is what we all mental masturbated about when we drafted him in the sixth round.
What a freaking Jokic this Nikola is! That’s the 42nd time he’s messed around. How many times has Nikola Tesla notched a triple-double? I’m putting Jokic over Tesla on the Nikola pantheon. And those blocks! If he gets his Mutombo on consistently, it’s game over.
The bubble burst. I know who can blow it back up.
Played 33 minutes off the bench. There’s a place for both him and MPJ to succeed. If Barton can stay healthy, which is a big IF, he can provide some points, tres, boards, dimes, some defensive stats, and decent percentages. Won’t win a week but will be a solid complementary piece.
G’s a freaking stud, but I can type out his name better than I can type Son. Who’s the real hero? Eight tres and six for eight from the free throw line? Yo….If those two things happen on the regular then it’s Godzilla Antetokounmpo. By the way, G has a usage rate of 42.3 last night. L. O. L.
YMCA’s across the world set up Zoom meetings so that all the Y ballers could celebrate their king.
DiVincenzo got the start and played 27 minutes. The usage rate was a surprising 18.6 last night, so he’s not a statue that will just drain the spot up J. 11 shot attempts is healthy as well, but you’re rostering him for the steals, which he provided.
38 minutes! I wasn’t able to scroll through Twitter, so did Budenholzer get fired? I just noticed that G and Middleton played 36 and 38 minutes respectively. If G plays 36 minutes, makes his free throws, and drain tres, just start prepping for next year if you don’t have any shares. Back to Jrue, ’tis the season.
Had a usage rate of 38.9! The shot selection was suspect, which translated to a low field goal percentage, but he’s a professional getter of buckets. The defensive stats were lovely, and if he can get dish out those dimes, a top 10 season is well within the range of outcomes.
Played a team-high 38 minutes. Man, I’ve had such an interesting journey with Brown. A few years ago, I wrote that he’d be Kawhi 2.0. Whoops. Then, I wrote him off and thought he wouldn’t be a top 50 player. WHOOPS. I was wrong. He’s continued to develop and now is a star. Father, please forgive me for I have sinned.
Played 25 minutes off the bench and was great. Will continue to be fantasy viable for as long as Kemba Walker is out. After that, we will have to reassess and see how Brad Stevens manages things.
Interestingly, Tristan Thompson and Daniel Theis started alongside each other. Thompson played 22 minutes and grabbed eight boards, while Theis played 25 minutes and provided two tres, three boards, and three dimes. I still like Theis Theis baby. Dum dum dum dumdumdum dum.
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Où sont les blocs? Just don’t lick any microphones. Okay?
Played 30 minutes. Unfortunately, the Trail Blazers didn’t blaze any trails, as they got dusted 100-120. Conley will never return to the top 30 production from his Memphis days, but he can still be a source of points, tres, and dimes. The shooting efficiency is a problem, though.
A solid, solid player, who may have been overdrafted due to his Bubble performance. We shall see, but here’s some food for thought. Over the past three seasons, he’s finished as the 54, 56, and 54 player for fantasy on a per-game basis. Crazy, right?
Only played 21 minutes. Our Lord was more like a peasant. Now, the blowout contributed to the low minutes but keep an eye on the rotations and how he fits with the new squad. As mentioned earlier, it’s only one game so don’t do anything rash.
Jusuf Nurkic played 22 minutes and went 13/3/3/1 while Damian Lillard played 34 minutes but was held to nine points, four boards, seven dimes, one steal, and one block. No stat boxes for losers.
Got the start and played 36 minutes. DFS won’t deliver fantasy glory by scoring points, but he’s primarily a steals guy who will grab some boards and hit the spot up tres. The 11 shot attempts were encouraging nonetheless.
My RichardSON!! Played 36 minutes and provided some goodies, but nothing spectacular. He should rack up defensive stats and shoot more efficiently than last season’s 43%. At least that’s the hope playing alongside Luka.
Damn, eight turnovers. A good number for the buffet, but not for fantasy hoops. Now, dare we say that the Suns are a good team, as they defeated the Mavs 106-102, continuing their winning ways from the Bubble. The Suns look balanced on offense which could diminish the shot attempts for Booker. We shall see how it plays out. With that said, the two steals were a nice touch, and if he can get the defensive stats up, then we could see another progression up the fantasy ladder for Booker.
Only played 24 minutes due to foul trouble. When he was on the floor, though, he looked damn good. He’s primed for a monster season.
Yuck, but like a good neighbor, Paul helped his teammates achieve victory. As for fantasy, don’t sweat it. Paul is going to be good, as long as he’s healthy. That’s the only concern.
Played 26 minutes off the bench, which led the second unit. Here’s another Johnson who isn’t limp and can provide some fantasy goodies, primarily tres and boards with a smattering of points.
This was Westbrook in a nutshell. He messed around but did not provide any tres, turned the ball over, and hurt your percentages. With that said, I do appreciate how he plays. He is the Hulk of the NBA.
Posted a 36.3 usage rate while Westbrook was at 34.7. Hey, James Harden and Westbrook were both able to get theirs so….Don’t expect the four steals to be a daily thing, but one a game is certainly viable. The Beal is cooked with points and tres, sprinkled with dimes, and mashed boards on the side.
Only played 20 minutes off the bench, as he’s still getting into shape. Once he’s good to go, he should join the starting unit and launch his missiles with no regard for human life. Playing alongside Westbrook and Beal could be a boon for his opportunities. Can’t wait!
Got the start and played 28 minutes. Meh. Could be a 1/1/1 player but the points upside seems limited. with that said, it’s encouraging that he’s already starting and logging big minutes.
Joel, Joel. Joel, Joel. The First Joel, the Angels did say. Was to certain defenders as they lay. On the ground where they lay clutching their pride. On a cold winter’s night that was so deep. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. Born is the King of Philadelphia! He is so damn good. In the end of days, if Embiid was one of the Four Horsemen, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.
Simmons is the Khloe Kardashian of the NBA. He’s rich, famous, has the name cache, and produces for his fans. Yet, he has some ugly characteristics, which can be masked in certain instances. In the right setting, with makeup and proper lighting, both can be beautiful.
Played 30 minutes off the bench. Class? Yo, Joe! Don’t expect much in the defensive cats normally, but points, tres, and some dimes are on the menu.
I was hoping that tres would be an addition to Bam’s game this season, but I guess not. No worries though, as the rest is magnifique. Well, expect the turnovers. Those are ugly.
A smooth criminal. What else did you expect? Did you see how much he was charging for coffee in the Bubble?
Got the start and played 32 minutes with a solid 23.7 usage rage. Don’t expect much in the way of defensive stats, but points, tres, boards, and dimes should be provided.
Got the start and played 23 minutes. My bold prediction entering the season was that Harkless would be a top 100 player. He’s low usage but has 1/1/1 potential. Back in 2016, he was a top 100 player, but that was on the heels of 29 minutes per game. I thought he had a chance for 28 this season. If he only gets 23 mpg, then it ain’t happening. Even if you received 230 minutes, it may not happen.
In 26 minutes off the bench. Garnered a healthy 25 usage rate. Dragic is a good source of points, tres, and dimes.
Played eight minutes off the bench. With Dragic and Herro handling the point guard duties, Nunn is an afterthought. Why didn’t Kendrick play last night? Nunn ya business.
Played 26 minutes, as he had some foul trouble. The steals were a surprise and I wouldn’t expect much in the way of defensive stats for Gordon. The bagel in dimes is likely an outlier, though. I’d expect a handful each night. We’ve gone from Commissioner Gordon to the AG to rondon? I don’t know. It’s freaking late and I’m close to 5,000 words in.
Made a valiant run at the top spot in the Nikola pantheon last season, but he just doesn’t have it. It’s a two-Nikola race between Jokic and Tesla. With that said, Vucevic is still a solid fantasy basketball player, as he provides across-the-boards production.
Played 29 minutes. We are all witnesses. Solid, solid game and it looks like he could produce in every cat. That would be huge. I still remember his highlights at UW. Please, bring that guy back!
No caffeine, fizz, or artificial flavoring. This Evan is pure, thirst-quenching goodness. Points, tres, and steals with a hint of boards and dimes are what you get.
Shopping at Ross consists of the entire emotional spectrum. Sometimes you’ll be elated while other times will be straight dejection. Last night was of the Goldilocks variety.
At least this Julius never stabs us in the back. We know exactly what we’re getting from him: a potential trip-dub with nothing else.
Got the start but only played 21 minutes. Can you guess why? Yup.
R. J. Barrett
Ruh roh. Has someone figured out some things? I’m skeptical but he is only 20 years old, so development is in the range of outcomes. Now, will he be this efficient? Probably not.
Came off the bench but played 32 minutes. That’s probably the best role for him as Barrett and Randle soak up most of the usage on the starting unit. Burks is going to provide points, tres, and boards. Don’t expect the defensive stats on the regular.
Yo, he’s draining tres now? Sabonis is a dub-dub stud and will provide good percentages. The dimes are very healthy as well. Arvydas must be so proud. Or maybe this is just an outer shell that Arvydas transferred his soul into. I don’t care. Do you?
T. J. Warren
Got the start but only played 23 minutes. He’s still dealing with plantar fasciitis, so there’s obvious concern. That’s not something that just goes away. Shoo, plantar fasciitis. You’re not welcome here.
Malcolm did not play in the middle last night. He was shining bright in the penthouse, delivering fantasy goodies to all who rostered him. Such a solid player. Just needs to stay healthy.
He looked good. Granted, it was the Knicks but still. I doubt he ever returns to that top 10 player from 2017, but top 50 player? Sure, why not.
In 28 minutes off the bench. You know it was going well when he had a put back dunk. Now, he averaged 20 mpg last season, so this was probably the highlight of his season. Dougie can provide tres and that’s about it. Do the Dougie.