When something is referred to as historic, we think of arms raised toward the sky, fireworks bursting and illuminating the world, with smiles and wet panties. We think of heroes. Beep. Boop. Bop. You know what’s also a hero? The Stocktonator. Yet, historic can also reference the zeroes. Those who do something so bad that it’s actually impressive. Joel Embiid had one of those games last night:


Embiid is no doubt a hero. If he wasn’t, then there wouldn’t be a line outside of the stadium after every game with both men and women waiting to sex him. With that said, he was a straight zero, both literally and figuratively last night. And I wasn’t being hyperbolic when I said that he had a historic performance. Since 1946, there have been only two other players who went 0-for-10 from the field, 0-for-3 from downtown, and 0-for-2 from the free throw line: Doug Christie in 1999 and Devean George in 2008. Make that duo a trio now. Now, Embiid is a fantasy stud, as he literally does everything. He hasn’t been producing like one recently, but have no fear, the good times will return again. If anyone is panicking, relieve them of their anxiety.

Here’s what else I saw last night:


Josh Richardson


My RichardSON!!! Led the team in points scored and shot attempts. With Embiid being a zero instead of a hero, my RichardSON came through. I’ve taken off all my clothes and am ready to run outside naked while screaming his name over and over again. The last two games, the usage rate has been 27.7!!! As a result, he’s averaged over 28 points per game. Don’t expect this heater to continue, though. Normally, the usage rate is around 21-22 and he scores close to 16 points per game.

Marc Gasol


Saw what Embiid was doing and told the trainer to hold his beer. Unfortunately, while he sucked, he did not suck bad enough.

Rondae Hollis-Jefferson


Played 31 minutes off the bench. Y’all ready? Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Rondae!!!! When Serge Ibaka returns, the party will be no more, so enjoy the good times while they last. Rondae will provide points, boards, and excellent field goal percentage.

Tony Bradley


Got the start and played 23 minutes because Rudy Gobert was out due to an ankle injury. Bradley is just a handcuff for Gobert and provides boards and blocks.

Joe Ingles


He’s heating up!!! That’s the sad reality of the kind of season it’s been for Ingles this year. Not too many Jingles. With that said, he’s been thrust into a new role with Bojan on board and he’s not going to shoot 34% from the field forever, right? I’ll side with history and say no, as he’s a career 44% shooter. Plus Viz, our resident Jazz fan and expert, thinks he will be fine. If Viz says he will be fine, then he will be fine.

Mike Conley


Saw what Embiid and Gasol were doing and thought, I can do way worse than them! A dud once again. That’s the kind of year it’s been for Conley.

Giannis Antetokounmpo


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O. M. Giaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnniiisssssssssssss!!!!!

Carmelo Anthony


Played 31 minutes. Well hello there, Melo. He was a +19 in the plus/minus department and he notched a steal! So this is where Embiid’s mojo went.

Damian Lillard


Only played 27 minutes because the Bulls suck. Everything is cyclical. Teams were doubling Lillard to force other players to beat them. If Melo and others can knock down their shots, then Lillard will again start seeing single coverage. Until he starts lighting it up, forcing teams to double him. Rince and repeat.

Hassan Whiteside


In only 23 minutes. Returned from injury and we were about to have a Mt. Whiteside eruption. Unfortunately, the Bulls suck.

Lauri Markkanen


I’m at the point of capitualation with Markkanen. If he can’t get going against Melo, then….With that said, it’s probably in his head now. He’s too good of a player to not bounce back. There could be some capituation to the waiver wire. If so, I’m scooping up for sure.

Coby White


Saw Embiid, Gasol, and Conley in their epic battle of suckitude and said, Don’t forget about me! White is a professional hucker and chucker. Still working on the maker part.

Karl-Anthony Towns


Me F’ing Ow!!! KAT is the number three player for fantasy and has a legitimate chance to finish as…the top dog.

Jarrett Culver


Got the start and played 24 minutes. This move looks to be permanent, as the team wants Teague to run the second unit.

Andrew Wiggins


The important news of the night was that Culver was inserted into the starting lineup. This will leave Wiggins as the primary initiator of the offense for the starting unit, a role he thrived in while Teague was out.

Jeff Teague


Moved to the bench but still played 31 minutes. As long as he receives the minutes, this move could be beneficial for Teague, as he will likely have the ball more in his hands. We shall see how it plays out.

Trae Young


It wasn’t a Trae Day, but Trae had himself a decent game. 44.4 usage rate last night!!!

Buddy Hield


Since 1946, there were only four other players who made at least 10 tres in at least 20 attempts: 2018 Klay Thompson, 2019 James Harden, 2019 Steph Curry, and 2014 J. R. Smith. That’s elite company to be in, especially with J. R.

Marcus Smart


No Kyrie Irving and no Gordon Hayward? No problem, the Celtics are no dummies as they got Smart.

Enes Kanter


Got the start and played 25 minutes, as Daniel Theis did not play due to illness. Kanter provides points and boards, but doesn’t contribute much else and is in a three-headed censter in Boston. Only viable when injury strikes.

Robert Williams


Played 23 minutes off the bench, as he received more time due to the Theis illness. Time Lord is a boards and defensive stats player.

Terry Rozier


Led the Hornets in points and shot attempts. Terry has been not-so-scary lately, as he’s been a top 60 player over the past eight games. It’s all about the shooting efficiency for Rozier, as he’s been converting at a 47% clip lately. For the season, that number is at 43%.

Bismack Biyombo


Received 22 minutes off the bench because Cody Zeller left the game due to a hip contusion. Bismack Biyombo is a Boards and Blocks player.

Bam Adebayo


Bam has been a top 20 player over the past seven games. A big reason is the improvement in free throw percentage, as he’s been converting at a 77% clip, compared to 64% for the season. Bam is a Breakout and also provides Boards, Blocks, steals, and a decent amount of dimes from the Big man position.

Kelly Olynyk


Played 32 minutes off the bench, while Myles Turner received 17 minutes of run. Last night was the first time the Big O pulled down over 10 rebounds. Coming into the game, he had grabbed a total of 74 boards. The Big O has been getting the playing time, but the production is inconsistent. He can provide some tres, boards, and get his 211 on from time to time.

Jaren Jackson Jr.


Only played 23 minutes due to….class? Foul trouble, of course. That is his Achilles Heel, but JJJ is still young. Once he figures it out, as Biggie said, Sky is the limit.

Jonas Valanciunas


Played 26 minutes. JV is definitely varsity material. He’s a dub-dub machine, but don’t count on the steals and blocks often.

Ja Morant


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He did have a scary fall during last night’s game, but returned and finished with 30 minutes of run. For much of the season, Morant has been outside the top 100 for fantasy, but over the last week or so, he’s been a top 25-50 player. He’s been getting more minutes, which has boosted the counting stats.

Brandon Clarke


Played 25 minutes off the bench. So damn impressive. Clarke is only averaging 22.3 minutes per game, yet he’s still a top 60 player for fantasy. He’s uber athletic and is a great rim running big. I love his mid-range floater that he possesses. Anyways, he’s blocked behind JJJ and JV right now, but I could see he and JJJ starting together at some point.

Domantas Sabonis


Tied for sixth in dub-dubs. With the Pacers getting healthy, the usage and fantasy value have predictably declined. With that said, he’s still a top 60-ish player.

T. J. Warren


A nice bounceback game for Warren, as he only scored two points the prior game. Warren provides points with a side of tres, boards, and steals. His biggets issue is that he’s never played more than 66 games in a season.

Myles Turner


I would walk 5,000,000 Myles for Turner. Ok, maybe not. Definitely more than 500, though. The blocks are great. 2.5 per game would place him third in all of basketball. Over the last four games, he’s averaging close to four a game! The boards are super light for a big man, though. He’s basically Brook Lopez 2.0.

Malcolm Brogdon


Returned from injury and played 30 minutes. The usage rate was 22 last night, so let’s see if that becomes the trend. Prior to injury, he was garnering a 27 usage rate.

Jeremy Lamb


He may not be a bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddd man, but at least he’s not a bad man. Maybe he’s just a Lamb.

With Brogdon back, T. J. McConnell played 19 minutes and scored 11 points with 6 dimes, while Aaron Holiday played 18 minutes and scored 16 points.

Jonathan Isaac


He’s second in the League with 2.8 blocks per game and 25th in steals with 1.5 per. He’s a top 10 player for fantasy right now. He’s scoring in the low teens, grabbing seven boards, and will likely be a 1/1/1 member. The percentages are very good as well. The only thing he doesn’t do is dish out dimes.

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If you know the reference, congrats. You’re an old fogy like me.

Mo Bamba


In 20 minutes off the bench. Bamba is going to get run for as long as Vucevic is out.

Terrence Ross


Played 30 minutes off the bench. He’s heating up! He’s still outside the top 200, but has been a top 140 player over the past six games. He’s still only shooting 42% from the field, but he was chucking up shots and converting at a 37% for most of the season.

Andre Drummond


Everything has ticked down since Blake Griffin returned the lineup. As a result, he’s a top 70 player for fantasy, instead of the top 15 player he was balling out as to begin the season. I’m not too worried, as he should return to top 25 value soon. The most encouraging aspect for Drummond’s season has been the free throw shooting. On the season, he’s converting at a 68% clip.

Luke Kennard


Prior to last night, Kennard had put up two stinkers in a row, scoring six and nine points, so it was nice to see him bounce back. Even with the shooting struggles, he was still providing boards, dimes, and steals, so the floor wasn’t completely absent.

Bruce Brown


Continues to start and played 31 minutes. Brown is a low usage player who won’t provide many points, but he will contribute boards, dimes, steals, and some blocks. The free throw shooting is atrocious, but it’s on low volume, so the impact is neutered.

Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk


Played 22 minutes off the bench. The prior two games, he received 19 and 32 minutes of run. Svi is a 3-and-D player.

Jarrett Allen


Atkinson had no choice, as DeAndre Jordan did not play due to an ankle injury. Just free and play him!!! This is what he can do!!!

Larry Nance Jr.


Got the start and played 33 minutes because Kevin Love did not play. Just free and play him!!! This is what he can do!!!

Cedi Osman


Cedi I’m-Average-Not Osman.

Jordan Clarkson


Clarkson is the fantasy equivalent of making a late-night Taco Bell run. You’re hungy, don’t have too much money, and there are few options. F’ it. If you need points and tres, F’ it.

Anthony Davis


It seems like AD is having a down year, right? He hasn’t gone ballistic in many games. Yet, he’s the #2 player in fantasy right now!!! That’s how freaking good AD is. He’s like the perfect fantasy player. He does everything and contributes everywhere.

LeBron James


Such a beast. Still can’t believe he and AD are on the same team. Anyways, Bron is light in blocks, the free throw shooting is still an issue, and the turnovers are high. Still, he’s a top 15 player for fantasy.

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope


Continues to start and played 28 minutes. When Avery Bradley returns, KCP will go back to the bench.

Rajon Rondo


Played 25 minutes off the bench. The production is inconsistent, but Rondo can provide those dimes if you’re hurting in that cat.

LaMarcus Aldridge


LMA with the O!!!! Hallelujah!!!

Steven Adams


Played 28 minutes. He’s not dead after all. Adams can dub-dub in points and boards and provide blocks and good field goal percentage. The dimes have also been a boon this season. Not sure that’s the New World Order, though. The steals have disappeared. The last three seasons, he’s was pilfering over 1 per game each year. I’m not advocating Adams, but he has turned it around some and could be viable if you need big man help.

Chris Paul


Paul has quietly been a top 25 player for fantasy. He’s averaging over 30 minutes per game and providing points, tres, boards, dimes, steals, and low turnovers. The free throw percentage has been excellent too, on 5.1 attempts per game. Now, he won’t be dishing out 8-10 dimes per game like in his prime, but around six with all the other contributions are nice.

Eric Paschall


Paschall is a points and boards player. Not much else. With that said, he’s going to play a ton of minutes, so he could trip into some counting stats from time to time.

Glenn Robinson III


Continues to start and played 36 minutes. Junior Big Dog has been a top 60 player over the past seven games. Like Paschall, he’s going to get plenty of run. Unlike Paschall, he will actually provide some tres, dimes, and steals.

Ky Bowman


Got the start and played 39 minutes. Bowman is a top 25 player when he starts. He averages 36.5 minutes, 16.7 points, 2 tres, 3.5 boards, 4.7 dimes, and 1.8 steals. When D’Angelo Russell and Draymond Green return, his production, playing time, and value all get nuked.