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Remember those times when that girl or guy would call or text and mention that the parents were gone? Ooohhh, how I miss those times? I would get so excited. Well, the last two games in Houston, Chris Paul has been a good neighbor and notified the team that he’s out. Oooohhhh, that means it’s James Harden‘s time to get us Harden excited. On the season, Harden is leading the league with a 36.5 usage rate, but when Paul is off the court, that number spikes to 45.8!!! On Saturday, Harden scored 40 points and dished out 13 dimes. Last night….

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
54 8 13 3 0 11 7/15 17/32 13/15

A fifty burger with 13 assists and 11 turnovers. That’s truly messing around. Anyways, even with the 5.8 turnovers per game (which leads the league by over 1 per game), Harden is still the #4 player in fantasy. If that doesn’t get you Harden excited, then you’ve got issues I don’t want to subscribe to. Beep. Boop. Bop. The Stocktonator was Harden excited, as it had him as the #1 player last night. Now that’s something you can subscribe to.

Here’s what else I saw last night:

 

Robert Covington

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
24 7 1 2 2 0 4/7 8/12 4/5

The Lord delivered his finest performance of the season last night. Since arriving in Minnesota, he has been the 16th player in fantasy. Now, we know the Lord has some vomit-inducing performances, like the 1-for-18 shooting night against Chicago, but he usually giveth more than he taketh. It’s all a matter of persepctive, though, because he’s been a straight criminal over the past seven games, amassing 21 steals (3 per game).

Karl-Anthony Towns

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
21 10 1 1 0 2 2/7 9/19 1/2

Back-to-back double dubs for KAT, which used to be automatic (led the league last year with 68 in 82 games). Now has 11 in 21 games. Meow.

Andrew Wiggins

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
11 3 3 2 2 0 1/4 4/11 2/2

It’s nice to see Wiggins not jacking up 20 shots per game and actually contributing in the peripheral categories. Maybe there’s hope after all…

Naw, who am I kidding? Over the past seven games, he’s outside of the top 200.

Larry Nance Jr.

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
12 8 7 1 2 2 0/2 5/10 2/2

Got the start and played a season-high 38 minutes. Just play him Cavs! It’s really not that difficult. Easy as getting a Quicken loans.

Cedi Osman

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
8 6 2 1 0 1 2/6 3/12 0

It’s so Osman that he continues to tank the percentages.

Tristan Thompson

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
16 11 3 1 1 4 0 7/10 2/2

Ok, this is getting ridiculous now. Over the past seven games, Thompson is a top 80 player. For perspective, he ended 308, 136, 127, and 173 the past four years. The only logical explanation I can think of is that he and Khloe Kardashian experienced a Big moment. Think about it. She’s dated James Harden, Lamar Odom, and Rashad McCants. She must’ve gotten skills through osmosis. The process always worked for me in college. Anyways, you have a better suggestion? I’m all ears.

Rodney Hood

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
20 2 3 1 0 3 2/7 8/16 2/3

Continues to start and played 35 minutes. Over the last five games, he’s averaging over 32 minutes per game. Unfortunately, he’s scored 20, 9, 25, 9, and 12 games over that span. He’s about as safe as driving through the Hood at 2am on any night really.

Kyle Korver

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
22 2 2 0 0 0 6/9 7/12 2/2

Played 22 minutes and committed 2 personal fouls. Ahhhhhhhhh! Deuces were wild!

Marcus Morris

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
19 11 3 0 0 1 3/7 8/14 0

Third double-dub of the season. Morris is pretty much a boards and threeecolas player. Cool, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Jayson Tatum

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
20 7 1 3 1 1 2/4 7/14 4/4

Tatum has failed to score double digits only three times on the season. It’s Channing’s fault.

Al Horford

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
20 4 3 3 1 1 3/4 8/15 1/1

Love and marriage. There are good times. There are bad times, but at the end of it all, there’s usually happiness. Same goes for Al in fantasy. Just enjoy what you get at the end of the season.

Kyrie Irving

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
26 5 10 5 0 6 5/10 10/22 1/1

Over the past eight games, Kyrie is the #9 player in fantasy. If he says the world is flat, the world is flat.

Marcus Smart

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
8 2 5 1 1 1 2/5 3/8 0

Got the start because Jaylen Brown was out and played a team-high 40 minutes. The Celtics went into New Orleans and were victorious, 124-107. A Smart move by Coach Stevens.

Gordon Hayward

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
5 4 4 1 1 3 1/2 2/5 0

Came off the bench and played 23 minutes. It looked like for a bit that the Celtics were ready to ramp Hayward up, but it was not meant to be. He has nice hair, so there’s that.

Nikola Mirotic

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
25 5 0 0 0 0 6/11 8/15 3/3

Top 20 player for fantasy.

Anthony Davis

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
27 16 5 3 3 5 0/2 8/19 11/12

Yawn. That is a stat line for mere mortals. I’ll tip my hat when he puts up 30 points, 20 rebounds, 10 assists, 10 steals, and 10 blocks.

Darius Miller

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
11 0 2 1 0 0 3/10 4/11 0

The answer is no.

LaMarcus Aldridge

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
20 8 3 2 2 2 0 8/12 4/5

LMA! It was the Bulls, but still. No laughing matter. Nothing but respect. Beep. Boop. Bop. The Stocktonator had nothing but respect when it ranked Aldridge yesterday. It is a kind, yet smart computer.

Bryn Forbes

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 2 6 0 0 2 3/6 5/11 0

Forbes is not getting anyone rich, but he’s been starting, getting close to 29 minutes per game, and chucking up over 10 shot per. If you need threeecolas and a smattering of dimes, then Forbes is your man. If you’re trying to get rich quick? Move on.

Jakob Poeltl

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
10 4 4 0 0 0 0 5/5 0

O….M….G….Played 18 minutes and received 15 and 14 minutes the prior two games. In American Pie, Jim prematurely ejaculated twice with Nadia. I’d be Jim if Poeltl becomes a thing.

Jabari Parker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
18 10 2 2 0 1 2/6 7/15 2/3

Over the past seven games, Parker is the #61 player for fantasy. Points, threeecolas, rebounds, dimes, and steals. The turnovers are a bit high, but the usage rate is a healthy 25. I wonder which one of Peter’s spiders bit him.

Justin Holiday

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
17 6 4 0 2 1 5/8 6/10 0

I was fronting on Justin all season, but I forgot that every Holiday be working. He’s a top 30 player right now. 13 points, 3.2 threeecolas, 4.6 rebounds, 2.4 assists, 1.5 steals, 0.6 blocks, and 1 turnover per game. Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

Ryan Arcidiacono

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
22 4 2 2 0 1 4/6 8/12 2/2

A season high in points and shot attempts. Arcidiacono is a decent player, but this is more an indictment against the Spurs defense.

Zach LaVine

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
28 8 7 0 0 6 3/8 10/26 5/6

#Brent #AllStar. Father, forgive me for I have sinned yet again.

PJ Tucker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
5 12 3 4 0 2 1/5 2/7 0

Played 43 minutes. Tucker up! PJ is the Dickies for fantasy. Not sexy, but work-related.

Clint Capela

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
17 14 2 0 4 1 0 8/14 1/2

An impressive performance, considering he sat with three fouls early in the second quarter. Over the last seven games, he’s been the #4 player!!!

Eric Gordon

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
36 2 2 0 0 1 8/16 12/23 4/7

Chris Paul sat again, so Gordon got another start and played 43 minutes. It looks like Gordon is finally out of his slump, as he’s gone 12-for-23 and 8-for-16 with 13 threeecolas in the past two games.

Danuel House

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
4 3 1 0 0 1 0/3 1/5 2/2

House was called up from the G League and played 28 minutes. He soaked up the Gerald Green minutes, so as long as he’s out, the 6′ 7″ 207 pound House could get plenty of run.

Thomas Bryant

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
4 3 0 1 2 0 0 2/4 0

Got the start at center with Dwight Howard out, but only played 12 minutes. I like Bryant, as he’s an agile big man who hustles and can produce over a fantasy point per minute, but he just doesn’t get many minutes.

Kelly Oubre Jr.

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
4 4 0 0 1 1 0/4 2/7 0

Got the start but only played 20 minutes. Oubre has started the past four games and hasn’t done much with the opportunity. He’s shooting 36% and is the 177th player over that span.

John Wall

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
36 3 11 0 2 6 2/5 13/23 8/11

Remember all those “We don’t need no stinking Wall” chants reverberating throughout the streets of DC? Well, they have dissipated. We are a fickle species.

Bradley Beal

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
32 1 4 0 2 2 4/8 12/18 4/5

Played a whopping 50 minutes in an overtime game. The BB gun was on point, as the long-range calibration issues were resolved.

Markieff Morris

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
22 10 1 2 0 1 3/4 8/12 3/4

Played 41 minutes. Has been playing more small-ball 5 this season. Over the past four games, Morris is the #28 player for fantasy.

Myles Turner

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
16 4 4 2 2 3 0 7/8 2/3

Only played 25 minutes, as the Pacers destroyed the Jazz, 121-88. Myles has been disappointing for fantasy, as he’s a top 100 player, but he is fourth in blocks at 2.61. In addition, the Pacers are 27th in pace….Ha! The things that amuse me. As I’ve written in other blurbs, I am walking the entire 500 Myles.

Domantas Sabonis

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 10 6 1 1 4 0 5/10 3/3

Played 23 minutes. Top 60 player for fantasy. 14.4 points, 9.7 rebounds, and 3.3 assists while shooting 68% from the field and 72% from the line. Damnantas!

Doug McDermott

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
21 6 2 0 0 0 2/3 8/13 3/3

Played 23 minutes. The answer is no.

Derrick Favors

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
13 8 0 0 1 2 0/2 6/9 1/2

Returned to the starting lineup and played 24 minutes. Whether he starts or comes off the bench, his role is entrenched at 24 minutes per game.

Both Victor Oladipo and Donovan Mitchell missed last night’s game. Only three Jazz players scored in double figures (Favors, Ingles, and Gobert). As a team, Utah scored 88 points….at home. No blurbs for you!!!

Nicolas Batum

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
7 3 2 1 0 1 1/2 3/4 0

I really don’t know what to do with Batum. He’s the #115 player on the season, but has been barely top 200 the past seven games. The shot attempts are down by three from last season and he hasn’t been contributing the D. Not surprising that Kemba Walker’s shot attempts have increased by three from last season. The decrease in usage has been calamitous for Batum’s fantasy prospects and I don’t see that changing unless Kemba gets injured or is traded.

Jeremy Lamb

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
21 8 4 2 0 1 2/4 8/15 3/4

Lamb is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, baaaaaaaaaaaaaad man for fantasy. Top 50 player and top 30 over the past seven games.

Tony Parker

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
15 1 6 1 0 1 1/3 7/14 0/2

Returned after missing two games and played 21 minutes. Cheap assists and shot volume. Oui oui.

Malik Monk

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
7 1 1 1 0 0 1/2 2/7 2/2

Played 21 minutes. As long as Lamb is a baaaaaaaaaad man, Monk will be capped. In addition, Monk doesn’t contribute much outside of points and threeecolas anyways.

Aaron Gordon

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
0 4 1 1 1 2 0/2 0/6 0

Played 22 minutes but left the game due to lower back tightness.

Nikola Vucevic

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
30 12 6 1 0 1 1/4 12/21 5/6

Jonathan Isaac

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
15 4 0 1 0 2 3/3 5/9 2/3

Played 30 minutes and should see an increase in playing time if Gordon is out for an extended period of time.

Terrance Ross

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
28 1 2 2 0 1 4/6 9/15 6/7

Played 28 minutes. It seems like I write him up every night. That should tell you something.

Kevin Durant

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
49 6 9 2 2 4 4/10 16/33 13/13

Scroll up five clicks on your mouse and press the play button. As with Harden when Paul is out, KD also sees a massive usage bump (5.2) when Steph Curry is out.

Klay Thompson

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
29 5 1 0 2 1 6/12 11/23 1/2

Klay sees a 4.7 bump with no Curry.

No other Warriors player scored more than eight points, yet they won 116-110 over the Magic. Poof.

Giannis Antetokounmpo

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
20 13 9 1 3 1 1/3 7/15 5/7

Aaaaalllmmmoost messed around. Who gets the first quintuple-dub? G or AD?

Malcolm Brogdon

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
11 8 6 2 0 2 1/6 4/16 2/2

This Malcolm is definitely in the middle. Super-high floor, but limited ceiling. The pooridge is juuuuuuust right.

Pat Connaughton

PTS REB AST STL BLK TOV 3PT FG FT
15 5 2 0 0 1 3/7 4/10 4/5

Keyboard drop.