As most of you don’t know, I’m actually Will Smith’s illegitimate first son. If you don’t believe me, well you more or less have to click on that link and read it, or else the following will be too esoteric… Too ephemeral…
After Mo Williams was moved back into the starting line-up last night, he showed his Rubio-esqueness going 14/3/13 in a fantastic dimebag performance. The chosen player for the open this morning, I asked Mo to interview me and my method for compartmentalizing everything fantasy basketball into a daily recap:
Mo: What have you been reading lately?
JB: Ya know, totem pole haikus, Ke$ha’s twitter profile, because ya know… Because living.
Mo: I feel ya. So what’d you think about my facilitating last night? Pretty sick line back in the starting 5.
JB: Well, I don’t really watch the NBA. There’s no sports I like to watch, so I make them up myself and watch them again, and it’s the best thing… But even in my self-created NBA, it was pretty impressive. The way you can distribute while making time go slow… Or fast… As you please… And how you know it doesn’t exist.
Mo: I have been turning back the clock, that’s for sure! That baby Zach LaVine is way behind me for fantasy these days, right?
JB: He’s the feeling of like, a fragment of a holographic reality…
Mo: You’re right, pretty easy call there. So are you dropping say… Tony Wroten for me?
JB: There’s a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking “yes”, you’re thinking “no”. It’s a tool for understanding. It comes from a place of oneness.
Mo: I have no idea what the F you’re saying. Just tell me, am I a good medium-term value until Ricky Rubio gets his ankle all healed up?!
JB: If he wants his muscles to grow, he has to shock them. If you want society to change, you have to shock them. That’s what art is, shocking people.
Mo: Fine. Whatever. I know I’m legit, LaVine shoulda stayed in school longer…
JB: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many people die in hospitals every day. Med school? What’s up with that!? I still haven’t been to med school and I haven’t died in a hospital, I can’t see how med school is really helping anyone out… Same with LaVine, in whatever universal form he occupies…
Mo: Occupy? #OccupyDraymondGreen?!
JB: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed!
Here’s what else went down in NBA action last night:
Tim Duncan – Rainbow alert! 19/10/3/2/2, but 6 TO. Ain’t got time for dat!
Boris Diaw – Near rainbow alert! 19/6/7/3/1 shooting 8-14 (1-2 3PTM 2-2 FT). The interior defense for both sides in the big Cavs/Spurs NBA Finals preview was laughable in this one. But for what it’s worth, Boris is right at three-and-a-half dimes a game now, while chipping in pretty much everywhere.
Anderson Varejao – The Spurs missing Tiago Splitter is becoming a concern, because a lot of opposing Cs are having their way with Diaw/Aron Baynes. 23/11/0/0/2 for the Counting Crows singer, but those 37 minutes are scurry! Over 30 only one other time this year (which is how you want it for the brittle Brazilian!), and this was his first double-double and wasn’t averaging a block a game before last night. Not doin’ the creep and going up my board.
Rodney Stuckey – Welcome back to the line-up! Even if your game-winning attempt was shorter than your fantasy relevance at the start of the year! Praise Solomon! The surprise was 26 minutes, albeit in an empty 11/2/1/0/0 line.
Chris Copeland – Why you ebb and flow with the ThrAGNOFs! Easy drop if he’s still in your stream spot.
Donald Sloan – 11/9/6/1/0 in another usable line. I know he’s a sell-high with George Hill and C.J. Watson back at some point, but he HAS to have carved out a role for himself. Let’s play “find all the Thanksgiving terms” scavenger hunt throughout the rest of today’s recap!
Al Jefferson – Back to it! 28/8/2/1/1. No TO. Shot 12-22. And the FT bouncing back making 4-4. Slim was so close again with his 30-point challenge pick! Crazy his last two have been one bucket away…
Gerald Henderson – He’s a new superhero! Blown Opportunity Man!
Blake Griffin – Man, he’s been baaaaad. 20/4/2/0/0 last night, steals are invisible all the sudden, blocks still aren’t there, he’s shooting 5% worse than last year/his career-average… Been a little better lately though, but 2 boards lower as well… I dunno, my Buy-Low-Meter is pretty low right now.
Evan Fournier – Had to sit last night with a sore heel. Baste that with some Bengay! So, the $9-million newly-signed Ben Gordon is a great fill-in right?! DNP-CD… Yikes. So Willie Green starts and shoots 2-10 in 31 minutes. It’s like the dumb part of Orlando’s front office and the smart part never talk… One side got Gordon and the smarties got Virgin! Hitting .500 ain’t bad I guess…
Elfrid Payton – Fournier and Gordon’s minutes opened up, and Elfrid got off the Shelfird! 7/7/5. In 16 minutes, one of his best games! Fournier should heal up (hah!) soon.
Michael Carter-Williams – Got the start and got the 32 minutes, but Tony Wroten straight ultra-hot-dog! Drove to the arena in the Oscar Meyer Mobile. MCW 11/6/5/1/0 with his usually bad 4 TO, but nice 2-2 FT! Then Wroten in 28 minutes led the Sixers in shots by a longshot, racking up 19 FGA for 21/3/7/1/0. Eh, I dunno, T-Wrote hit only 1-6 from deep, I dunno if I am still holding Wroten close to my chest. In a saner answer from the open, I would take Mo Williams for him right now.
Nerlens Noel – It’s like Brett Brown could hear me yelling from the podcast! Awesome game for 10/8/3/2/1 with no TO and 5-10 FG. Bringing me early Holiday Cheer!
Brandon Bass – Brad Stevens subbed him in and said, “Kick the Sixers ass, C-Bass!” Anyone really go out and see Dumb & Dumber To? Heard it was awful… But Bass surely wasn’t, hitting 9-13 for 23/6/1/1/1 and no TO. Oh to play against the Sixers second unit! Brandon Davies is like, “Hey JB, suck my unit!” You can leave this Bass in the sea.
Bradley Beal – Welcome back! Tied John Wall for the team-high in shots coming off the bench, for 21/3/3/1/0 in 26 minutes. Adios Garrett Temple, time to go to doom!
Monta Ellis – Damn! Thought about him for the 30-point challenge… But he smited me with 14 a few picks back, so I passed. 34/1/4/1/0 shooting 10-21 (2-4 FT 12-14 3PTM).
Dirk Nowitzki – Stepped on a foot and might miss Friday with a kankle. Stay tuned, you wan’t want to miss any Germinating!
J.J. Barea – Indeed should’ve been my low-end PG stream. Nice call Slim! 14/4/6/0/0 hitting a trey, but Devin Harris should be back from the elderly rehab center soon and Felton from the eating disorder clinic.
Kris Humphries – Maintaining value as best he can. 9/6/1/0/0 isn’t huge, but a nice 7-8 FT helps out. He’s been pretty solid for 5 straight now. You earn that Paper!
Josh Smith – What I get for trading for someone I hate. Is it me, or does it always look like someone ripped a horrific fart right next to him all the time? The real flatulence is his 5/4/3/0/0 line with 2 TO and 1-3 FT in only 23 minutes last night. I’m optimistic for my REL he bring it against his former Hawks tomorrow. Not like Stan Van going to the bench helped win this game… Yet another Pistons loss.
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope – You can’t do this to a recovering addict, KCP! 15/1/2 hitting 6-13 with three treys. But the kicker. The steals. There they are! 3 last night. I’m sitting at a bar with my first whisky shot just staring at me (overused alcoholic scene in movies/TV alert!).
Isaiah Thomas – 2 for his last 17 the past two, and 8-36 the past 4. I’m no good at math, but that’s no bueno. And it’s cost him minutes too since Horny runs the hot hands. IT2 is too good to be this cold, shoot the buy lows.
Markieff Morris – Rainbow line! 10/4/3/2/2, but cooled off from the biggie Tuesday night. He’s so effing good, yet only 29 minutes last night! Starting to not like Horny for the fantasy.
Brandon Knight – %-killing! Especially when you Shaqt-a-Fool and miss the game-winning wide open layup as time expired… I was watching that live at that point! Awful. 5-20 FG (2-10 3PTM 6-6 FT) for 18/3/8/2/0 in 49 minutes in the 3OT epic against the Nets. To my boyfriend’s defense though, hit a crucial three in double-OT I think it was, then iced it with FTs late in triple-OT.
Khris Middleton – Had 4 of his 6 points in either double or triple OT. Crazy his run was so low, as O.J. Mayo got 39 minutes of 21/7/2/1/0. Tough to make too much of anything given this was a marathon and then some. Still rather K-Midd over the Mayo.
Giannis Antetokounmpo – Gave me a huge scare rolling his ankle landing on Knight’s foot, but returned and had a fantastic 18/12/4/3/0 line. Gianny Cash!
Jabari Parker – Another solid Bucks game. 23/7/1/2/0 in his career-high, shooting 8-13 FG and 7-10 FT. Had most of, if not all his points in regulation, so don’t give yourself 3OT-bias!
Larry Sanders – Only 14 minutes. 4/4/0/0/0 of nothingball. Was a game-time decision so must’ve been very limited, so it’s tough to feel great about him tomorrow if you have a full line-up and a few bench guys with games.
Bojan Bogdanovic – I’m starting to like him more and more… 7-16 (4-11 3PTM) last night for 19/7/0/0/0. ThrAGNOF side dish! Pass the cranberry sauce! Move over Copeland.
Memphis’s Ebola Outbreak – Jon Leuer, Kosta Koufos, Beno Udrih, Tony Allen and Courtney Lee all were unavailable with the flu, as the rest of the Grizzlies will travel in Hazmat suits indefinitely.
Jordan Adams – Slim loves his Adams-es-es… Got his first extended burn for 3/1/2/2/0 hitting a trey in 17 minutes. As long as someone didn’t poison the water hole, he’ll fall back down into obscurity when all those guys get back.
Gorgui Dieng – Choo Choo! We’ve all hopped on the Dieng train! 8/7/4/5/1 shooting 4-7 in 32 awesome minutes. 5 steals from your big?! Lookin’ sexier out there than Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. When your mentor is as old/brittle as Connery, you’re gonna get some nice booty!
Kevin Martin – Drops a 37-burger! Huge line for 14-20 (7-11 3PTM) 37/4/2/2/0, but in one of the weirdest stats of the night – 2-6 FT?! When you’re that locked in, an 87% career FT shooter and that’s your calling card?! Eh, I guess beggars can’t be choosers! Plus he had to get an IV. Maybe that feeling of a needle deadening your arm made it tough to focus, I may be a pansy, but I can’t watch when the needle goes in and draws blood… Yikes!
Iman Shumpert – Well, the flat top did not inspire in this one… 3/4/1/1/0 with 4 TO shooting 1-11 as the Knicks got blown out by maybe the worst team in the NBA… Phil Jackson in his best G.O.B. voice – “I’ve made a huge mistake”.
Serge Ibaka – Thunder played better! But effin’ A, you’re not Ryan Anderson out there, Serge! 22/13/0/0/0 shooting 9-15 (2-2 3PTM). Had a monster swat, but whomever it was was fouled by a G as he was driving… I dunno, I think all will be fine. Nice to see some big boards at least…
Steven Adams – The Thunder had no blocks. Disappeared like his invisitache! (awesome reference, who dropped that awesome bit of facial hair knowledge on me again?!)
Darrell Arthur – Well, shoulda stuck with this one as a streamer… Had his blurb half written too, I swear! A big part was J.J. Hickson seemed like he was just rested a back-to-back Monday, and even yesterday afternoon Hickson’s update was he was going to play! Box score says Hickson got a DNP-CD, so we’ll see if something is going on there, but back to Arthur – 9/4/2/2/1 in a near rainbow hitting a trey. Deep leagues should have their antennae at full extension!
Ty Lawson – A dimebag-and-a-half! 15/1/15. Another 36 minutes too, hitting his season average. Hopefully the ankle stuff didn’t scare you too much on draft day!
Guess the Kobe State Line – 29/5/7 last night, as Hayward Ginobili is last night’s winner! Also had Kobe stuffing the stat line for 29/5/4. Nice work man! Beating me in RCL, winning guess the Kobe stat line… A dude could be getting mad angry over here! But all good! We’ll have another contest Friday night in which I can bounce back…
Dwight Howard – DNP-Knee. Hmmm. Not playing against his former Lakers after the off-the-court stuff going around too…
Ed Davis – A big reason the Lakers upset Houston in this one – L.A. bigs crushed the Rox on the glass. 6/11/1/0/1 in another solid game. It’s low end, but pretty effin’ consistent!
Patrick Beverley – For a little while there it felt like 13-14 all over again with all the “hold onto PBev” comments to you loyal readers! 15/4/2/1/2 hitting three treys last night. Plus in a real-life sense…
Jeremy Lin – …you been P-Bevved on! 3/0/4/1/1 with 5 TO. PBev is the shutdown corner of the NBA…
Kostas Papnikoalaou – Here’s someone that DID go to med school! Dr. Pap for 19/6/2/1/0 shooting a crazy efficient 6-10 (4-7 3PTM 3-3 FT). Screw the breast, I want this wing! Well, only while Dwight is out and minutes proliferating down to the second unit.
Rudy Gay – Questionable for tonight… I wonder if that will impact any of my streamer calls!
Streamers:
Omri Casspi (1% owned) – With only two games on the docket this evening, the choices are Slim Pickens, but Omri is off two straight usable games including 13/5/2 Tuesday against the Pelicans. If Gay indeed misses, he’d be a huge upside play for tonight.
Kirk Hinrich (17% owned) – Ewwww, Hinrich!? I need a shower! This is awful! Why, JB, why?! Trust me, I’m convincing myself here… 15/2/7/1/0 & 14/2/5/3/0 the past two and it’s another Derrick Rose questionable game. I reserve the right to call this a nullified call if Rose plays!
