JB – The 3rd Annual Razzies are here! With the growing success from the 2013-14 Razzies and the 2014-15 Razzies, all of Hollywood is here for the event, traffic is blocked off in all directions, this is the ONLY place to be if you’re any sort of famous, isn’t that right Slim?!
Slim – …You’re not famous.
JB – Oh OK, just because you’re a national treasure in Australia and all I do is run this fubar Razzball Basketball outfit it makes you more famous than me?!
Slim just subtly shakes his head, with just enough of a menacing look…
JB – Anyyyyyyyyyyyway, all of the NBA world is here tonight, because even though the season is still going on, no one important is still playing isn’t that right Slim?!
Slim – Warriors are still rollin’ em out there!
JB starts stroking Slim’s beard again
JB – You’re smart…
Slim – Dammit, are you gonna do this EVERY friggin’ time at these things?!
JB – You bet, you bearded beauty you! And speaking of hairy guys, there’s Andre Drummond with his patchy shoulders exposed as always… Looks like he’s got a bag of M&Ms, I’m starving! Hey Drummo, toss me one of those bad boys!
Drummond smiles and tosses an M&M towards JB. It lands a good 7 feet away.
JB – Well, better luck next time, thanks though! I’ve also spotted Andrew Wiggins and his posse, and… wait… There he is walking in now, the talk of the Razzies, Scott Skiles! In the flesh!
The entirety of the red carpet reporters start sprinting towards him.
JB/all – SKILES! SKILES! CAN WE GET YOUR COMMENT ON THIS YEAR’S RAZZIES?!
Skiles panics and runs back out of the event hall. JB and the rest of the reporters frantically chase after him. Only Slim stays, shaking his head.
Slim – Well, I guess I’m the only one here. Let’s take a long commercial break to see if I can find Gary Harris and give him some of the suggestive modeling pictures I had taken of me in Australia…
Shows a picture to the camera.
Slim – See how small it makes Ayers Rock look!
Abrupt cut to a BLEEEEEEP and the rainbow screen. It lasts until the first award is given out.
Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:
Scott Skiles – ORL (146 – 80.7%)
Mike Malone – DEN (22)
Brad Stevens – BOS (9)
Rick Carlisle – DAL (4)
We cut back in 20 minutes later, and all of the reporters have their suits tattered and look angry as hell, forcibly holding Skiles – scared shitless – in front of the podium/microphone.
Scott Skiles – Ummmm, I’m sorry everyone? Look, I like to mix it up every game, and young guys have to prove it every practice!
You can see the anger build on the reporters holding him up there.
Scott Skiles – And, ummmm, I’ll never do it again?! Please don’t hurt me!
His pants start to darken.
Scott Skiles – Oh god, what are you going to do with me?! I’ll play Eflrid and Oladipo 36 minutes a night, I’ll stick with Aaron Gordon, I SWEARRRRR!
The mob of reporters drag him off the stage.
Worst JB Call:
Terrence Jones (66 – 39.1%)
Andrew Wiggins (44)
Rudy Gobert (37)
C.J. McCollum (22)
Terrence Jones – Hey, can we get a mop up here on stage? Thanks. So my agent told me I wasn’t even a nominee at first, so I called the committee to remind them how high JB ranked me in the preseason. Then I went on to win this dumbass thing?! Look, I can’t help it if I get poked in the eye and I’m as fragile as Derrick Rose’s knees… Wait, Rose doubled my minutes this year?! I can’t get out of Houston soon enough. You’ll see. YOU’LL ALL SEE!
Worst Slim Call:
Andrew Wiggins (61 – 41.5%)
Stanley Johnson (45)
Marcus Smart (26)
Gordon Hayward (15)
Andrew Wiggins – Not the great season JB and Slim saw for me, eh?! I didn’t take that step towards superstardom those morons saw for me, instead complacent to shoot jumpers and barely play any defense. DON’T ANYONE COMPARE ME TO DEMAR DEROZAN AGAIN THOUGH! At least in the second half I started burying some treys and got some steals. Is my second half gonna tempt ya again?! Is it?! IS IT?!?!?!
The Worst Fantasy Impacting Injury:
Eric Bledsoe (52 – 33.3%)
Anthony Davis (49)
Blake Griffin (41)
Marc Gasol (14)
Eric Bledsoe – There’s just so many of my teammates to thank. First off I’d like to thank the Suns front office. Without you guys getting rid of Dragic and IT 2/3rds I wouldn’t have had the kind of responsibility necessary to be hobbling up here today. Brandon, thanks for standing on the 3-point line waiting for me to create your shot. It’s not like I have a history of knee issues or anything. And Markieff… MARKIEFF! A year ago I was just like you, I was actually liked, but now look at the two of us. Oh and whoever it is you’ve got giving you advice, I’m going to need to get his number off you. If I’m up here accepting a Razzie and you’re down there watching, then obviously he’s doing something right…
Biggest Bust Who Didn’t Get Hurt:
Danny Green (90 – 58.4%)
Ty Lawson (35)
Jeff Teague (25)
Kenneth Faried (4)
Danny Green – Woooo, I won by the same percentage of votes as my ownership percent at the end of the year! Look, I’m really not that bad… All I did was miss some 3s and it made Pop played me a little less. At least I’m healthy! …No? At least Chapel Hill had a good year! …No? At least I’m averaging over 7 points a game! Wait, I’m only averaging 7.3 points a game?! I AM terrible! Committee got this one right! In that case, I have so many people to thank – Of course Pop, who never believed in me, Roy Williams, who had it right the whole time and didn’t even have me as starter in college, then there’s – –
Music starts to play.
…turn the music off! Let me get through this! I want to thank…
Bouncers come and tackle him off the stage.
Worst Team For Fantasy Goodness:
Los Angeles Lakers – Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak (67 – 45%)
New Orleans Pelicans – Head Athletic Trainer Duane Brooks (32)
Phoenix Suns – Suns GM Ryan McDonough (26)
Philadelphia 76ers – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie (24)
Mitch Kupchak – I just want to thank the esteemed committee for this designation. I came in second last year to Phil Jackson, and was lamenting that silver medal all season. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, YOU FANTASY BASKETBALL NERDS! You know what they say, if you’re not first, you’re last. Wait, this award is for being the worst though, so last year, if I wasn’t the worst I was the… best? And now I’m the best of the worst! I should be a lawyer. I would never let OJ try on those gloves! Wait, what are we talking about again?
Close up to reveal Kupchak’s bloodshot eyes.
Man I’m hungry… Andre, throw me some of those M&Ms, I’m starving!
Drummond tries to throw some towards Kupchak. M&Ms go everywhere, like a cluster bomb on the audience. Everyone starts to boo…
Worst Ratio Killer:
Andre Drummond (86 – 61%)
DeAndre Jordan (28)
Paul George (17)
Damian Lillard (10)
The crowd tries to stifle their anger from being pelted with M&Ms.
Announcer – Now presenting the award for worst ratio killer, Shaquille O’Neal!
As Andre walks up to accept the award from Shaq, the Big Aristotle sets up to shoot the trophy at him like a free throw from the podium. Andre makes a rim with his arms and everyone laughs, getting over the M&Ms meteor shower. But then Shaq throws the trophy which happens to weigh 8 lbs and has a circumference of exactly 29.5 inches. First Stan Van Gundy jumps on top of Andre, then the rest off the Pistons all dogpile on top of Drummond. With the trophy still in the air the entire capacity auditorium joins the melee on top of Drummond. As the trophy falls harmlessly to the ground more than three feet away, the irony finally dawns on Andre.
Why Did I Quit You?!
Gorgui Dieng (75 – 49.3%)
Aaron Gordon (35)
Myles Turner (24)
Zach Lavine (18)
Gorgui Dieng – Oh man, what a season! And I started behind the 8-hole, that’s for sure! Did I say 8-hole? I meant 80-year-old. There’s even commercials where KG “pretends” to be a Grandpa! And I gotta come off the bench for this shit!? Look, that guy over there is even younger than Garnett!
Dieng points to Slim and his greying beard.
Gorgui Dieng – I’d have to come off the bench for that scrawny moron too!
Slim – Hey, I defended you this preseason, Gorgui!
Gorgui Dieng – DEFEND THIS!
Dieng wields his Razzie like a butcher knife from Psycho and chases after Slim. The audience is dead silent, with a few recording the chase on their cell phones. Pan over to Nick Young recording the scene on his cell phone too.
Nick Young – What?
JB – Well there you have it, back-to-back Razzies ending in attempted homicide… we really need to sand down the sharp edges of these awards! Did no one think to redesign these things in the offseason?! I guess that’s something else to consider for 2016-17… Thanks for tuning into the 2015-16 Razzies, we have to end abruptly for this breaking news alert!
Abrupt cut to a BLEEEEEEP and the rainbow screen.
It lasts about 2 seconds. JB is still frantically trying to change into an ABC 11 jumpsuit.
JB – …Aherm, ABC11 breaking news, there is a murder in progress at 123 Hollywood Blvd!