JB – We’re back with our second annual NBA Razzies, awarding the worst of the worst from the 2014-15 NBA Season!  Last year’s ceremony was a pop culture sensation, a slamming of the dysfunctional Bucks and the [former] Luminescent Lithuanian.  Speaking of luminescent, I’m here with Slim who looks radiant.  What is that, some Oil of Olay exfoliant you’ve been using lately?

Slim – Really…?  I mean, that’s my intro…?  Really…?

JB – Yes, “really” as in I’m “really” happy with the turnout at the polls, as many of you patriotic citizens of Razzball Nation made your voices be heard in our 8 categories to be awarded tonight.  And I have to say Slim, I got a sneak peek of the results, and I have to agree with most of our winners.  Razzball Nation is so wise!

JB begins stroking Slim’s beard

JB – How did YOU get to be so wise, Slim?

uncomfortable pause

Slim – I’ve got to sit here and put up with this AND do a Podcast with you in a few hours?!  I’m firing my agent…

JB – …Speaking of firing, Brian Shaw is here!  Donning a “please hire me, seriously ANYONE!” suit made by the fine tailors of Larry Drew.

Slim – Yes and Michael Carter-Williams is here, excited for tonight’s festivities as he’s up for multiple awards. I’m really having trouble figuring out what he’s showcasing on the red carpet…  Looks like he’s in 4 XL jacket, but his pants barely go past his knees…

JB – Yup, that MCW has never been good with his ratios, Slim!

Slim – Correct you are JB, and with that, it looks like we’re ready to hand out our first award, so let’s tune in to the stage and start awarding our second annual Razzies:

Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:

Brian Shaw – DEN (70)

Byron Scott – LAL (39)

Brett Brown – PHI (33)

Brad Stevens – BOS (24)

Brian Shaw – Sheesh, of all these B-name coaches, I got the most B-Team worth of NBA scrubs!  That’s right committee, F this noise, Kenneth Faried is garbage, I’m putting this award on my bench never to be seen again, I’m goin’ home!

The worst fantasy impacting injury:

Kevin Durant – OKC (84)

(the field) Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Jrue Holiday, Kobe Bryant, Derrick Rose, Wesley Matthews, Serge Ibaka, Terrence Jones, Brandon Jennings, Ricky Rubio, Brook Lopez, Darren Collison, Jared Sullinger, Alec Burks (83)

Durant limps onto the stage

Kevin Durant – Damn, this cold.  Barely into my new round of rehab and I got called out here…  I can’t help it if my big ass, lanky foot never healed up right!  I tried bouncing back and being the consistent, consensus #1 beast I’ve been the past few years, but the Slim Reaper of injuries got the strong and weak alike.  I had a feeling winter was comin’!  Damn, I’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones on HBO Go while tripping on Oxy recovering from this ish…

Worst JB call:

Klay Thompson – GSW (62)

Michael Carter Williams – PHI/MIL (53)

Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (28)

Goran Dragic – PHX/MIA (18)

Klay Thompson – Wait, what?!  I break out and I get a mother F Razzie for it?!  Well, this award goes to that fantasy impotent JB who had been slammin’ my game since I hit the NBA.  I always had these D stats and 3 dimes a game up my sleeve!  And I wear sleeves a lot with our sick unis.

looks menacing right into the camera

See what happens if you rank me like shit again JB, SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

Worst Slim call:

Kenneth Faried – DEN (81)

K.J. McDaniels – PHI/HOU (34)

Alec Burks – UTA (21)

John Wall – WAS (15)

Kenneth Faried – Go ahead, pile on, but at least Slim likes me.  Does my coach like me?  No.  GM?  No.  My imaginary pet parrot that sits on my shoulder that I’ve had since I was 5?  No.  But Slim does.  He says he’ll still give Polly a peanut after I’ve made a big play next year.  Can you say the same?  Could you ever find it in your heart to give my pet parrot Polly a peanut again?

Biggest bust who didn’t get hurt:

Nicolas Batum – POR (86)

Kenneth Faried – DEN (43)

Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (24)

Thaddeus Young – MIN/BKN (12)

Nicolas Batum – Mon poignet fait mal!  Je espère que les gens comprennent mon Google Translate français!

Worst team for fantasy goodness:

New York Knicks – Knicks President Phil Jackson (75)

Los Angeles Lakers – Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak (33)

Philadelphia – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie (24)

Boston Celtics – Celtics GM Danny Ainge (24)

Phil Jackson – I’m going to read you a quote from my best selling novel, Eleven Rings (cough, available on Amazon.com, cough).   Excuse me.  Ahem.  “If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball!”  So you tell me, is Andrea Bargnani Buddha?

audience looks around dumbfounded, then nods with an understanding that it’s a good argument…

I want to thank the comittee for this award, but one last quote from my book: “Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. JAPANESE PROVERB!”  Well, I guess in our case, fall down 66 times and stand up 16…  But, ya know, tanking.  JAPANESE PROVERB!

Worst ratio killer:

Michael Carter-Williams – PHI/MIL (55)

Lance Stephenson – CHA (44)

Andre Drummond – DET (28)

Josh Smith – DET/HOU (26)

Michael Carter-Williams – *slurred*  First off I’d like to thank… umm… God.  One.  And then I’d like to thank the Sixers organization.  They gave me a chance to showcase what I do and I must have impressed someone since they were so eager to promote me to the Bucks.  I’d like to thank them too.  The Bucks organization.  But now that I’ve been promoted to team Punt Percents I’m only looking into the future.  Me, Smoove, Drum, man…  Not 1, not 2.

Worst Slim projection:

Jimmy Butler – CHI (53)

Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (34)

Pau Gasol – CHI (31)

Klay Thompson – GSW (29)

Jimmy Butler – Yeah I crushed those projections, but that was my goal heading into the year.  I wanted to find some random schmuck on the internet who thought I couldn’t shoot.  42% and 14 points per game.  Laughable.  Ha!  Now that that’s out of the way I have a question for you Slim, up there in the announcers’ booth.  46% and 20 PPG next year.  Over/Under?

Slim – Is this with or without… oh nevermind.  Over.

Slim drops his mic and begins to run away  

Slim – In less than 70 games!

Slim jets out of the booth


JB – Well, ummmmmm, we’ve lost Slim…  Do we…  Cut here?

Klay Thompson runs towards the booth wielding his Razzie like a weapon

JB – OH WAIT!  Ummmm, SLIM!  You were my ride!

JB runs out as well

  1. Dante Green says:

    I didn’t know the Manimal has an imaginary animal on his shoulder… LOL! But srsly man, how can someone like MCW become an NBA player…. I mean one of the most important things in playing basketball is the ability to make shots, right? Haha. Anyway I wanna thank u guys, JB and slim with all the help this season, appreciate em alot u guys.

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:

      @Dante Green: Haha, well MCW does “look” like an NBA player out there, but damn he can’t put it together! Maybe Kidd can spend an offseason with him and turn him around… Thanks for stopping by so much this year, looking forward to the offseason!

  2. Scott says:

    The Brow! Thanks to him and J.J. Redick, I catapulted into the lead in my points league finals.

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:

      @Scott: Nice! Yeah one of our better calls, I think #1 was LeBron vs. Brow and we knocked that one out!

  3. Scott says:

    Dude! Did you see what happened with Chris Copeland?!?

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:

      @Scott: Eesh man, yeah reading all about it, we’ll be talking about it today on the Pod… Scary stuff

  4. dom says:

    Can the commenters award a razzie to your advertisers? I have no idea how my mouse avoids clicking on “Hollywood’s Biggest and Best Boobies!” and “Athletes With Better Behinds Than Kim K!”. Good thing my work browser doesn’t have adblock or I wouldn’t get to see Voluptious Vixens Who Love to Show Off!

    In all seriousness you guys were great this year. Is it remarkable that with 7 nights left in my roto league, the top two teams have scored over 12,000 points, but are separated by 11 currently? Or over 2700 assists but separated by 4? I have no idea how I’m gonna manage these last few garbage games but it’s a difference of like $120 in prize. Totally worth the hours and hours I spent worrying about which guards to play! Speaking of, Ish Smith or Zach LaVine tonight?!

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:

      @dom: Hahahaha, yeah that’s all plugged into some feed that’s way over my paygrade haha.

      Thanks so much man! Yeah Roto leagues are nuts with some stats being that close. But that’s some extreme nail-biting stuff! Mmmmmm LaVine looked good yesterday. Ish is playing pretty well though too… I think I’m leaning LaVine!

  5. Nick says:

    I have one big problem with these awards, otherwise excellent job to the voters and as always nothing but thanks to JB and Slim.

    Lance is shooting 18% from 3. 18!!!!!! And he was a 5th round(ish) pick. More like 6th, but still. He is shooting .100 points under his career stats in FG and 3PT. This was a guy who should of had okay %’s. Not good, but not awful. Instead he lays the biggest egg of the year.

    MCW is an awful shooter who is D first and we all knew going into the season he couldn’t shoot and played for a god awful team. His %’s aren’t a surprise.

    Should have been a blow-out for lance but all the MCW bashing on the pod and posts must have swayed lots of ppl.

    • dom says:

      @Nick: This is a good point, factored in should’ve been expectations. I traded for Drummond knowing quite well he’d look like me shooting left handed at the FT line. Lance was a huge disappointment, heading into the year he was the most overrated player in real life, not to mention how ugly he is. Michael Jordan can’t drop 40 every night.

      • JB Gilpin

        JB Gilpin says:

        @Nick: Hah yeah I clowned Lance for that all year. Just abyssmal. What a horrible signing.

        Lance was a 5th round pick?!?!?! Maybe because I had him ranked so so low and MCW way too high it swayed everyone with that as well.

        @dom: Hahahaha

        Another factor is Lance was pretty easily droppable, while MCW was really hard to cut all year due to AST and lack of PG

        • Nick says:

          @JB Gilpin:
          You really deserve some serious props for that. And the guy who ranked him #36 deserves a razzie of his own.

          • JB Gilpin

            JB Gilpin says:

            @Nick: haha we’ll start some expert feuds and award razzies to the worst tankers haha. I’ll gladly own the horrible MCW rank! But I was only tied for 3rd highest, so there’s that…

          • JB Gilpin

            JB Gilpin says:

            @Nick: rankers* it’s almost like autocorrect knew it was an NBA article and guessed it right haha

  6. Clyde Prompto says:

    Dirk was Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler,” and Batum was Sean Penn in “Milk.” HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:

      @Clyde Prompto: Hahaha, I really like the Wreslter thou 🙂

      • Clyde Prompto says:

        @JB Gilpin: The Wrestler is awesome and Rourke totally should have brought home the Oscar. I was irrationally angry about that, haha.

        • JB Gilpin

          JB Gilpin says:

          @Clyde Prompto: Ahhhhh I read it backwards, yup totally with you!

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