I was waiting for the Orlando game to end for hours, then realized the final score was 78-61. 61 points? You may have been duped into thinking this was a women’s basketball score, and though I think Britney Griner could drop a double nickel on these flunkies, these were men on the hardwood, allegedly. Not only do I enjoy watching cradle balls, I very much want her to give birth to my child one day. That’s all I have to say about that. I’ll mention E’Twaun Moore, who finished with 18 and 2, as I’m legally obligated to mention a player from each team so there you go. If Nelson is out for any length of time or becomes more seriously injured down the road, I suppose Moore could put up bearable numbers. You guys ever imagined Rosie O’Donnell getting drilled by Ellen sporting a strap on? No? Well I have, and it gives me the exact same sickening feeling as when I glance at Orlando’s roster. Yuck……. Let’s move on to some less disturbing events from last night’s games.
Spencer Hawes - 21 points and 14 boards. Spence makes my list yet again, and my sources have informed me he’s celebrating the accomplishment with 4 Lebanese hookers. He’s no Greg Oden, but he still gets the task accomplished. A mix between ‘Big Country‘ and Ryan Anderson, Hawes is a revelation to the game of basketball and fantasy owners have an obligation to grab him off waivers or trade for.
P.S. Please tell me you watched that heartfelt tribute to one of the greats, Bryant ‘Big Country’ Reeves. I miss you Big Country. I miss you more than you’ll ever know.
DeAndre Jordan- 7 points, 22 boards. How can you play 40 minutes and only take 4 shots? Adding on the fact that the Kia spokesman and CP3 didn’t play makes it even more befuddling. Jean shorts really are dead. Don’t give them to good will. Just burn them. Back to Jordan: Back to life. Back to reality. This young behemoth did more work on the glass than Joaquin Phoenix on a serious bender. Now, if he could just score a few more baskets as next time I won’t show such mercy……… AM I NOT MERCIFUL!!!!?!??!
Martell Webster- 21 points, 5 boards, 3 dimes. This Seattillite’s numbers have been catching my eye the past few weeks, but I was scared twas a fluke. Tis not. Maybe pick him up…….Or not. Either way, this brothers got soul, and I’m on the train. Come on and ride it.
Nate Robinson- 19 points, 5 rebounds, 9 assists, and 3 steals. Who the hell needs Derrick Rose?? What puzzles me on a nightly basis, is how no other team even wanted to give ‘Nasty Nate’ a job. In desperation, he was considering moving over to the NFL. I’d give my left nut to see this freak of nature locking down the slot in the league. Unfortunately for me, this kid belongs in the NBA. If no franchise offers Robinson a job to start next season, I may start a holdout of my own and refuse to write, until he’s back doing what he does best. Nobody would care? I’m a terrible writer? You hope my chicken dies? Yea, FU man. FU.
Roy Hibbert- 6 points, 9 boards, 1 block. The max contract man continues to disgrace himself on an almost nightly basis. This contract is making Greg Oden’s decision to take full nude shots in his mirror look like a smart idea. Not only is Oden’s wang referenced weekly in my posts, it’s referenced multiple times in my weekly posts. Double kudos to big Greg.
Vlacheslav Kravstov- This Pistons center looks to be a future star in this league. Wait, I thought that was Andre Drummond’s name translated to Russian. WHO THE F##K IS THIS GUY???? Joe Dumars sure does know how to build a winner.
Amar’e Stoudemire- 20 points and 3 boards. An afterthought no more, Stoudemire is playing with the intensity of a rabies crazed wombat, and stuffing more hole than ‘The Governator’ on a steroid and cialis cocktail. His field goal percentage is the stuff legends are made of. The Knicks could be a problem and Amar’e could make your fantasy team a problem in the fantasy playoffs. Real recognize real. Amar’e, have your people call my people. We’ll do lunch. Something classy like ‘The Olive Garden’ or ‘Red Lobster.’
Bismack Biyombo- 2 points, 9 boards. I take back anything positive I ever wrote about this Ru Paul clone. Feel free to drop in the gutter. Do you think Michael Jordan has looked in the rule book to see if a compensatory draft pick is awarded for the disappearance of foreign former first round draft pick? And could you blame him? He’s no Saleh, that’s for sure. Great movie by the way.
Mario Chalmers- 3 points and 2 assists. When you start on a team that includes 4 future hall of famers, Tehol expects more out of you. To not even be a serviceable fantasy point guard is outright flabbergasting.
Serge Ibaka- 12 points and 5 boards. The most underrated player in the NBA, no question. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m Iblocka’s biggest fan. I fully expect him to go on a big time fantasy run to close the reason. Trade for him if you can. Of course, run the trades by me first as we wouldn’t want you to get swindled now would we? That was a rhetorical question, but I’m still going to answer it. No we don’t. Happy now? You hate me? Cool. Whatevs. Find me on Twitter, and we can hash this out.
Dirk Nowitzki- 10 points, 3 boards, and 3 assists. It’s looking more and more like Dallas is ready to throw the towel in on the season and offer DaaaaWight Howard everything his little(very very little) heart desires, in the offseason. If Cubes has to get a little jiggy with it and pay a little extra under the table, then so be it. Cubes, do what you do playa.
Wesley Matthews- 22 points and 5 assists. Portland has a nice starting five and Matthews is not often talked about, but he’s a solid player and these type of numbers are feasible for him on any given night. His agent tweeted me and asked why I never shouted Wesley out on Razzball. There you go bud. Now that half-pound of Portland sticky-icky-icky better be at my doorstep in the next 3-5 business days or I’m going back and deleting this.
Alexey Shved- 8 points, 3 assists and a steal. Keep seeing this guy’s name mentioned. Not sure why.
Jason Thompson- 23 points and 10 boards. So this is why Thompson was a lottery pick a few years back eh? It’s always nice when you have a horrible team and you draft a power forward in the lottery, then hardly play him. Of course, I’m writing about T-Rob, the cunning young former Jayhawk. J-Thomp, Tehol’s got nothing but love for you baby, but you need to be a backup on a contender. We want to see Robinson. Keep up the good work though. Your fantasy owners are the only humans on earth that know you exist.
Alec Burks- 14 points, 3 boards and 4 assists. If Burks keeps this up, he may be one of the first athletes in line to tag the Kardashians little sisters when they come of age.
That’s it for this week, compadres. As always, your questions will be answered in a timely manor and you now have the ability to comment through Facebook, which is quite splendid if you ask me. I know you guys are sharing and tweeting all of our articles out of love for the site. RIGHT!?!? You don’t have facebook? You’re kidding right? You’re that guy or girl? It’s cool. I suppose I understand. I was forced to delete mine due to inappropriate photographs involving my chicken and I along with drug paraphernalia. You are not alone my friends. You are not alone. Peace and good tidings.