LOGIN

After Julius Randle hit one of the more ridiculous game-winning threes last night to push the Knickerbockers past the Heat, I came up with the above headline. The only problem: I’ve never actually had an Orange Julius – which may be a sin in some cultural circles. Without a frame of reference to consider how Randle may compare the American quencher, I turned to my wife for help:

“It’s like better than an icy.” “I thought it was a smoothy. So it’s like an icy?” “No it’s not an icy.” “So what is it?” “It’s hard to describe. It’s indescribable. It’s like magic.” “So it’s like a mix between an icy and a smoothy?” “No. You’re obviously not getting it. Who are you trying to compare it to?” “It doesn’t matter, I just haven’t had one so just want a description to see if there’s any comparison.” “The most delicious thing I’ve put in my mouth.”

And that was the end of that conversation. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We hardly knew ye. Not the performance spectacle that is Kanye, the Olde English ye, by the way. I know, it gets confusing sometimes. But yes, the Lakers, they’re dead, Jim. You know it’s true because I’ve used a Star Trek quote. But look, I could be wrong, after all, the injury LeBron James suffered in the win against the Mavs didn’t prevent him from finishing the game. However, Shams Charania tweeted late last night that there’s a fear in the front office that he’s likely to miss an extended period of time, putting a damper on this new iteration of the Lakers that seemed to be putting it together the last few weeks. And I could still be wrong!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Did you know that the title for every episode of the USA series “Monk” started “Mr. Monk …” As in, “Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus”; “Mr. Monk Joins a Cult”; and who could forget, “Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus”?

I feel like the Kings should be working up a cross-promotion deal to revitalize the series (originally set in the Bay Area), but set up the road in Sacramento and with Malik Monk casted as Tony Shalhoub’s sidekick. Or maybe that’s just the cabin fever settling in since I am in Oregon, where anything more than 3 inches of snow causes mass hysteria and shuts everything down. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to your midweek guidance for Week 18!  In this post, I identify widely-available players who can help you win your head-to-head matchups.  I’m coming to you later than usual this week, since the post-All-Star Break action didn’t start in earnest until last night.  It should be all about the playoffs for most of you.  In some cases, there’s no tomorrow if you don’t win this matchup.  For others, your focus is Week 19 and beyond.  I’ll try to cater to both in this edition of midweek guidance.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look, I understand that like 70% of my lede’s this season have been Nets-centric, and I don’t even care about them. I’m a Clippers fan, I already hate myself enough to add another heart-breaking franchise. But to be fair, they’ve only been Nets-centric because any time Kyrie Irving opens his dumb mouth, it attracts all the hot takes. You think I’m gonna watch all these hot takes and not bring the hottest of takes as well? SEO baby. As reported yesterday, a role player for the Cavaliers gave some behind-the-scenes look at Irving’s flat Earth theory and its originations. The entire read is worth it, but here’s the money quote:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wooooooooo, the NBA trade deadline is cookin’ now!

Wednesday night shook up the landscape of the league, as D’Angelo Russell, Malik Beasley, Jarred Vanderbilt are now Lakers, Mike Conley is a Timberwolf, Josh Hart is a Knick and Russell Westbrook is playin’ the blues in Utah (for now). But more on that later. First, let’s get into our regularly scheduled programming: My Wednesday fantasy recap.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Salutations, Razzball Nation, and welcome back to the piece dedicated to giving you the goods on who to target week to week in order to improve your squad. We try to be advantageous in our approach and do not always land our punches but, as you know, you miss all the shots you were too afraid to take. Perhaps during the All-Star break I will glance back and grade myself on the hits and misses of the season so far and share it with you here. Stay tuned.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last night I was able to test out a new Seuss-style story during my kids’ bedtime:

“An Ant-man with cool fluffy hair, who went the nation’s capital and let it rain from behind the arch. He was hitting ‘em on the pull up. He was hitting ‘em on the spot up. He nailed 3s on the swing. He nailed 3s on the run. He hit 3s from the corner, at the top. He created a skookum of 3s like it was a skookum of tallywade  ….”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to your midweek guidance for Week 15!  In this post, I identify widely available players who can help you win your head-to-head matchup.  Depending on who’s on your roster, this week has offered its fair share of ups and downs so far.  We witnessed the long-awaited return of Anthony Davis, Brandon Ingram, and Khris Middleton, while lamenting fresh injuries to Kristaps Porzingis, Bobby Portis, and Steven Adams.  In Adams’ case, we were left wondering who would gain the most minutes between Xavier Tillman, Santi Aldama, and Brandon Clarke.  After a promising showing on Monday, Tillman’s minutes fell off a cliff on Wednesday, as Clarke and Aldama gobbled up the lion’s share of time at the five.  Suffice it to say, that situation is still developing…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve always been fascinated with how humans can control other objects. The Shaolin monks are able to access the energy of the universe and light things on fire from a distance. Think Ryu’s Hadoken from Street Fighter. Random people can spin a 10-pound ball down a lane and knock down pins. Others can use a stick and make a ball spin like planets in an orbit around a table. For hoops, the ultimate joy is making the net dance after launching the ball into the air with the perfect amount of backspin. I always appreciated the chain-linked nets. There was nothing better than that sound. In the NBA, there’s no need to ghettofy things as they can supply the finest nylon for their nets. On Sunday, Julius Randle was the conductor of a nylon ballet, putting on a show for the Detroit crowd.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It was tough to enjoy watching my Ducks eek out the Holiday Bowl Wednesday because every commercial break was chock full of warnings about shingles. I have never known anyone in my life getting shingles, and after that I’m convinced all of us are getting it next year. 

On Friday night, however, Minnesota had to deal with a case of the non-viral irritation known as Ingles: Joe Ingles. [Wow, Phil, way to send off 2022 with the oddest lede/transition yet.] In his sixth game back from injury, Ingles played a season-high 25 minutes and banked 14 points (5-9 FG, 4-7 3pt), 5 boards and 10 assists, and was a major factor for the Bucks in the second half, as Milwaukee pulled away from Minnesota in a 123-114 win. Ingles probably won’t garner enough minutes when Jrue Holiday and Middleton play, but is worth adding to the streamer board as needed. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?