LeBron who? There’s a new star in Cleveland, and his name rhymes with molester. However, don’t keep your children away from Lester Hudson. As a reserve on Tuesday, he played more minutes than anyone else on the team and looked great doing so. In 36 minutes on the floor, he rocked 25 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists, a steal and a block. Over his last three games, he has 74 points combined. If there’s one knock against him, it’s that he only hit 2 of 7 from beyond the arc. Still, this is elite stuff for a guy owned less than 25% in fantasy leagues. Lester? More like LeStar (which sounds like a Silverhawk).
D.J. Augustin – Started, earned 16/2/11. Kemba Walker didn’t start, went 20/1/2 with a steal. I guess the lesson is to own both of them? Actually, the lesson is to drink heavily and stop trying to figure out any logic or reason to this season.
Anthony Parker – 19 points, including 4 from downtown. That’s nice in a “points and threes only” league.
DeMarcus Cousins – Another spectacular night for the sexiest Cousins I am not allowed to marry: 25/18/3 with 6 steals and 2 blocks.
Jimmer Fridette – 13/3/5 including 3 from beyond the painted hip. I dunno, you know, downtown. By the way, he’s not a foreigner. His real name is James. His nickname is Jimmer. Not Jim, not Jimmy, but Jimmer. The ol’ Jimmer. Yup.
Jason Kidd – 7/6/7 and two blocks. Someone asked if he should keep Jason Kidd on his team. In ten and twelve team league, you can find better than 7/6/7 on waivers, although I do admit the blocks are nice. More importantly, Jason is banged up, and he’s old. And he smells like elderberries. And he’s already joining Lisa Rinna. Oh, yeah Lisa, I’m sure you don’t need them. Just trying them on, huh? The same way I just “tried out” what it would feel like to kiss another man when he was sleeping. Whatever!
Rodrigue Beubois – Booboo came through with 15/5/2. It’s not exactly going to make heads roll, but it will suffice.
Jameer Nelson – I’ve sort of wanted to drop him, but he went ahead and scored 19 with 4 boards and 7 dimes.
Glen Davis – 12/10/2 with 3 steals. For some reason he attempted a three (and missed, obviously). I didn’t see the game, but I’m going to hope he threw it up at the buzzer because there’s really no excuse for him to be taking any shots that far out.
James Singleton – In his 4th game of the year, he came off the bench and nabbed 12 points and 8 rebounds. The game before that, 18/12/3. Before that, 12/9/3. Three’s a charm, pick him up. Then ask him what his dad was thinking with Abduction.
Kevin Seraphin – Almost played 40 minutes, and in that time he went 24/13/2 with a juicy 4 blocks. I guess it’s hard to get a shot past six burning wings.
Chris Singleton – Starting for the Wizards, he went 0-4 with 4 rebounds and 2 turnovers. His brother James (not Jimmer) is embarrassed.
Brandon Bass – Rename the state Bassachusetts, because Bass went 12/10 with a steal and a block. Okay, so maybe don’t rename the state. Pound a few beers, though. Of course, I don’t really need an excuse to do that beyond “it’s Tuesday.”
Ronny Turiaf – From the pages of “I thought you died three years ago in a terrible car accident,” Turiaf started at center and put up an impressive 4 points with 6 rebounds. What, he wasn’t paralyzed in that car accident? Wait, he was NEVER in a car accident? Well, those numbers aren’t impressive at all.
Lou Williams – Yesterday I went to your standard chain drug store to pick up some discounted Easter candy. I purchased a giant M&Ms bunny thinking it would contain mini M&Ms, but instead it was just a solid chunk of Mars chocolate, which isn’t that appetizing when not coated in a thin candy shell. This has nothing to do with Lou Williams, but I just wanted to vent. Williams went 20/8/5 with a pair of 3s.
Jodie Meeks – 1-5 from downtown to go 5/4/2 overall. I’ve seen babies crap out better looking things. Baby’s anus, “I resent that!”
Nikola Vucevic – Starting at center for New Jersey, he grabbed 8 rebounds with 4 points shooting. On April 8th, he went 14/13. Do you pick him off waivers? No, because Spencer Hawes came off the bench and went 19/8 and gave you 3 blocks in the process.
Steve Novak – He went 0-3 from downtown. What is his value when he doesn’t hit any threes? 2 points, 2 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 steals.
Tyson Chandler – How does a man score 10 points when he only goes 2-4? Why, you make 6 of 7 free throws. Toss in 15 rebounds and season lightly, then grill each side 6-8 minutes until the juices run. Oh, hmm, I think I just switched over to my Tyson chicken recipe.
Derrick Rose – DNP due to sore right ankle. Has this Rose lost its bloom? Er, probably not, I just wanted to use that expression. Although, if you are in the middle of a fantasy playoff run, maybe you re-grab C.J. Watson, who went 9/3/7 in Rose’s absence.
Richard Hamilton – The Phantom of the Opera went 20/4/5 with a three.