“Hey Kobe, I’m open, I’m open!” That’s every Laker…
Despite the plausibility that the Lakers are a real NBA team, they once again proved the contrary with yet another blowout loss. Well, I guess they’ve been in some games, but c’mon! Kobe Bryant is trying to do everything himself, like an asexual chronic masturbator. 15-34 FG last night (3-12 3PTM 11-16 FT) for 44/5/3/0/0. After a 1-14 brickhouse Friday night, that’s a 16-48 weekend (33%). At least Sunday was good! Ish. Most concerning are those treys, going 3-17 from deep in both games. He’s never been a good three-point shooter, especially the past four years. Glasses anyone? Russell Westbrook has got a guy…
As I’m sure Kobe would appreciate to no end, I have a comp for him. Dwight Howard. Hah! Mostly kidding, but Kobe is Dwight-ing (new adjective) your FG%. In H2H it’s not a paramount concern, but in Roto it’s getting scary. I don’t know what you do about it except try to trade Kobe high to a team at the top of your FG% standings. Then let Kobe and that ridiculous volume sink them like the whole Purple and Gold franchise. I keed of course! There’s just nothing there. Like hairs on Carlos Boozers‘ head or anatomy on Ken’s crotch. Kobe vs. NO tonight, 5-on-1! Here’s what else went down over the weekend in fantasy basketball action:
Evan Fournier – Looks like Victor MaskAdipo returning for the Magicians is going to push Elfrid to the Magic Shelfrid. The Virgin playing like he’s so experienced! Must’ve made the first time last so long by thinking about baseball… 36 then 38 minutes on Friday and Saturday, scoring exactly 15 in both with multi-treys. Fournier is still pretty ThrAGNOFfy, so the impact is mainly the hit to Payton. It’s a swift hit. It’s one of those hits that takes all the air from your lungs and makes you cough for a few minutes. Wait that’s a good hit! Droppable in virtually all leagues. Sheryl Whoops!
Aaron Gordon – Rookies aren’t taking their Caltrate when they hit the NBA or something… Maybe that was callous, but this is getting out of hand as Gordon broke his foot over the weekend. Coach Vaugn told him to imitate Kevin Durant, but not like this! Still very impressed with what he showed in a small sample, so his dynasty long-term status doesn’t deflate for me.
Kyle O’Quinn – The Forgotten Irishman. Starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Lorde in her big screen debut about an exiled NRA leader falling for a haggis chef’s daughter. No idea why I didn’t get the greenlight for that script! Is still out with a bad ankle tonight, but worth a spec add in even 14 teamers with Gordon’s minutes opening up.
Giannis Antetokounmpo – It’s like Jason Kidd understands basketball all the sudden! Finally put The Grenade of Anteok into the starting line-up, and whaddya know?! The Bucks win! Sure the Greek Freek was a little Bleek, but you’ll take 11/7/3/2/0 with a little bit of the bad – 5 TO and 3-7 FT.
Khris Middleton – On the deeper league radar yet again after 10/2/0/3/1 and seemingly back in the rotation after starting the second half. But who the hell really knows? Kidd has about as many good ideas with his rotation as hairs on his head. Wow, two bald jokes already, please get my grandpa’s genes! [knocks on wood] Dude had a full head of hair into his 90s!
J.J. Hickson – After double-digit boards his first two games this year, pulled a Groundhog Day and drove off a cliff. 0/4/1/1/0 yesterday as the mess that is the Nuggets continues. Brian Shaw is really pushing Jason Kidd for worst coach of the year in the 2014-2015 Razzies! Can you believe Kenneth Faried has played under 28 minutes in 6 of 9 games? I don’t think you want to own any of their big men other than the Manimal.
Arron Afflalo – Was red hot early against the Knicks yesterday, but after his first stint with the starters, barely played the rest of the first half. Made no sense. Ended up with a fine line, going 18/4/3 with five treys. Speaking of fine lines, let’s talk about Brian Shaw’s job security again…
Chris Copeland – ThrAGNOFs can’t be TO-offs! That makes no sense! But neither does giving the ball away 5 times when you’re just a three-point specialist… Maybe not fair since Copeland has to create a lot of his own offense given the ineptitude of the Pacers, but they beat the Bulls Saturday night! Shot 1-10 on Friday night, did better against Chicago, but 9 TOs in two weekend games. Citizen Can’t Cope!
Solomon Hill – Huge game in that win against the Bulls for 21/12/1/1/0. Solomon Kane! Dunno if that’s a good or bad thing, never saw that jazz… Anyway, he’s been a lot better than anyone expected, and it’s keeping up. Getting to the stripe a good amount too, averaging 3.0-4.0 FT a game after hitting 8-9 Saturday. Hasn’t been under 33 minutes in 7 straight and hit a trey in 9 of the first 10 Pacers contests.
A.J. Price – The price is wrong bitch! Well actually, price has been decent off a 21/3/2/1/0 line Saturday hitting two treys. He’s not a big dimer even in pretty consistent PG minutes, but at least 1 3PTM the past 4 and averaging 2 a game in that span. ThrAGNOF!
Al Horford – Ultimate buy low. 12/4/2/0/0 as the Hawks got declawed against the Cavs Saturday night. Only played 19 minutes in the blowout, skewing his MPG on the year and I think he looks pretty good out there. Not buying his boards stay at a career-low pace either.
Shelvin Mack – After being a total afterthought, got some good run over the weekend for 12/1/2 then 6/5/6 in 17 and 22 minutes respectively. The blowout game (the 22 minute outing) might be the aberration, but he was out there the game before as well. Not much you can do with it long-term, but DeMarre Carroll continues to be out with a bum groin so Mack could have some streamer value in the deepers as ATL cobbles together their minutes allotment.
Mario Chalmers – Playing like he got the mushroom! 23/1/11 on Friday night then 18/2/5 last night, spittin’ fireballs like it’s no ones bidness! No Dwyane Wade as Wade proves yet again why you should never draft him, ailing with a bum hammy. Wade looks doubtful for tonight, so feel free to run out…
Norris Cole – …Both of your Heat PG! Huge Friday for 6/2/8/4/1 and decent enough yesterday for 11/2/2/2/0 hitting three treys.
Shawne Williams – The stretch Swill! I wasn’t drinking this horrible swill, but he also benefitted with no Wade for a big weekend of 21/6/1/1/1 Friday then 13/11/1 last night hitting a total of 8 treys. McBob has been a McDud and has a blister on his McToe, so Charlie Day’s minutes are certainly keeping the Swill’s value high. I haven’t seen this much trouble with toes since we had to see Scott Glenn’s frostbitten feet in Vertical Limit. Bet you didn’t think a Vertical Limit reference was coming today! What an awful movie…
LeBron James – A King type of weekend! The Cavs are winning with offensive fireworks not defensive… Opposite of fireworks… Defensive waterdon’tworks? While he’s been awesome, numbers are similar to last year except a career-high TO rate and shooting under 50% for the first time since 2008-09. It’s early and a 10 TO game skews the numbers too, just wanting to throw some waterdon’tworks on the fire.
Trey Burke – Clawing tooth and nail to not be terrible. While he continues to lay more bricks than pyramid builders in ancient Egypt (shooting 31% from the field the past 4), averaging 8 dimes a game in those 4, with a 32:5 A:TO ratio in that span.
Carmelo Anthony – Finally! The triangle offense is working! Exceptttttt, lost to the Jazz even though Melo threw up a 46-burger. Luckily the Knicks played an even worse Nuggets yesterday, and Melo had a ridiculously efficient 10-14 FG (2-3 3PTM 6-8 FT) 28/9/3/1/0 line for a W. 5 TO is poopy, but after losing 7 straight, Melo looking better and NY getting a rare win is encouraging.
J.R. Smith – Might be the key to the triangle O! Maybe the key is a treasure map tattooed on his back… 28/4/4/2/1 last night hitting 10-16 shots, and graduating from a slow start in Dryland.
Iman Shumpert – Another factor in Smith’s nice weekend, as Shump suffered a hip contusion and had to press his life alert.
Zach Lavine – After 9 assists last Wednesday in Mexico City, has been horrific. 8 TO in two games and only one, count em, ONE DIME TOTAL over the weekend. Lavine asked Flip after back-to-back blowouts if Mexico had a professional basketball league.
Corey Brewer – Trade rumors swirling for a move to either Cleveland or Houston. Brewer is like, “Yes please!”
Joe Harris – Carried the Virginia version of the Cavaliers for a good while, and according to reports, might get a chance to start for the Cleveland version! Of course if the Cavs trade for Brewer it probably wouldn’t happen, but very solid 12/4/4 with 4 treys Saturday night even though he fouled out. A junky 30-point blowout, don’t need to be hacking Joe!
Tyreke Evans – If only the Pels played the Wolves every night! 16/6/7/4/0 shooting 6-11 with only 2 TO. Had only 4 steals on the year before last Friday night! Minnesota is more like Canis Minor than Canis Lupus right now…
Patrick Beverley – Key to the Rockets success! Houston scored 69 last night, and somehow won. P-Bevved! 12/8/1/2/0 with no TO and a pair of treys. 29 minutes of +13 in +/- getting back out there!
Reggie Jackson – Receiver of the P-Bevving! Still had a good line for 15/11/4/1/0 shooting only 3-11. After the big Friday of 20/4/12, RJax should still carry the opportunity torch for another few weeks while the Thunder try to get healthy. Not the time to sell after this one, but strike while the iron is hot a couple down the road.
Michael Carter-Williams – Down to only 27 minutes off the bench in his encore Friday. Tony Wroten got another start and went 19/4/8 to MCW’s 13/5/5, so you gotta hold Wroten as he continues to get mad minutes and at least MCW is staying valuable too. Man I hate these nonsensical minutes! But MCW playing an early back-to-back is encouraging for the situation.
K.J. McDaniels – Koala Juice! After starting Thursday and doing nada, went back to the bench for another nothing. The allure of steals and blocks are still intriguing, but I’ve never been a huge KJ guy so I don’t mind moving on. Is deserving of some starts and extended run, but this is what nonsensical minutes does!
Nerlens Noel – Rough, rough Friday. Rougher than that Friday Jamie Lee Curtis had a while back! Wait, that’s Halloween… Although I bet Jamie Lee had some bad Fridays regardless! 8/6/0/0/1 and 4 TO in 23 bench minutes. The nonsensical minutes fairy knows no bounds!
Dwight Howard – Whoa, he’s a fantasy stud! 21/16/0/2/7 on Friday night! 6 TO and 3-12 FT though?! It’s like that scene from There’s Something About Mary when Dillon is creeping on Diaz, she’s all good lookin’ then he’s accidentally looking at grandma’s titties. Dwight’s stat lines are like grandma titties. 12/9/1/0/1 last night with 4 TO and 4-13 FT. Great-grandma titties!
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope – I’ve spent this year defending KCP like a drug habit. I need to go to KCP Anonymous… “Hello. My name is JB and I’m a KCP-aholic” “Hello, JB.” “For weeks now, the allure of those big minutes getting me some steals upside with big 3PTM numbers have kept me a defender, but I’ve decided to address the issue after it’s impacted my work… My family… After Saturday’s 1-11 shooting and SEVENTH straight game without a steal… I haven’t had a KCP in two days.” [applause] Sorry Razzball nation…
Kyle Singler – ... I mean, when Kyle Singler looks like Larry Bird out there off the bench, KCP has got to be looking over his shoulder… 21/4/0/2/1 in a ridiculous 27 minutes shooting 5-8 (5-7 3PTM 6-6 FT) and no TO. Worth a flier maybe in 16ers or deeper, but Stan Van is gonna Stand [by his] Man with that KCP D.
Jeremy Lamb – 24/10/3/3/0 on Friday, but that was in an overtime-aided 45 minutes. After a slow Sunday (given everyone on OKC was brutal) for 5/4/1/2/1 in only 25 minutes, you can Lamb chop!
Gary Neal – Suffered a common slapstick comedy injury before Friday night by “slipping on a wet spot” hurting his foot, then fell hard on Saturday and sustained a concussion on the court. It’s like he’s a stunt double! Get well soon, the Hornets need your O!
Bismack Biyombo – A dubdub in only 14 minutes Friday night, then 3/4/0/0/2 Saturday. Low end blockage! Maybe his nickname should be constipation… Although my digestion of the Hornets is much better seeing Jason Maxiell finally back on the pine!
Lance Stephenson – In one of the weirder stats of the weekend, Lance “I’m going to climb over the back of my own players for rebounds” Stephenson (that’s what it really says on his birth certificate) had no boards on Saturday after 7+ every game thus far. He also shot better than 50% from the field the first time this year. Not that it really mattered in the end, as the Hornets got crushed by the Golden State Sleeves.
Gerald Green – 28 Pts Wednesday, shot 0-6 for no points in only 8 minutes Friday, then back to 28 minutes for an unreal 26/3/2/2/1 on 10-19 (4-8 3PTM 2-2 FT) shooting Saturday. Hornacek is calling Mrs. Cleo pregame to get his rotations. Well not really, it’s all about the hot hand. Very frustrating to own any Suns right now.
Kawhi Leonard – Puts the Eye in Kawhi! Took a Kobe forearm Friday night to the eyebrow getting stitches, yet came out and played well Saturday. They’re pink, they’re blue, they’re red from the blood… Maybe he needs to be called rainbow eyes!
James Johnson – Suffered a bad ankle sprain Saturday night, so expect him to miss some time. Makes Patrick Patterson a sneaky streamer play, as he can stuff all the cats like a dog-loving taxidermist.
Jimmy Butler – Just goes off when there’s no Rose… Like Billy Zane! Big leap there… 32/6/1/2/1, but was the only Bull to show up in that loss to Indy. Don’t get me wrong, I love Buckets, but this is a great sell high moment. Especially to a Derrick Rose owner who is seeing Buckets kill it every Rose DNP.
Zack Randolph – 17/22 on Saturday night for the year’s closest Goromotaro! Still no 20/20 games… Very sad.
Nikola Pekovic – Only 12 minutes Saturday after 19 on Friday in Wolves blowouts. Choo Choo! Here comes the Dieng train! Gorgui Dieng wasn’t “great” in either, but by far wasn’t awful. Just lovin’ dem mins!
Nicolas Batum – Practiced yesterday but doubtful for tonight. With LaMarcus Aldridge out Saturday as well with “illness”, [Oscar] Meyers Leonard got 30 minutes for 7/12/1 with a trey. If L.A. misses with Batum, Leonard could be a useful little streamer for deepers as Thomas Robinson seems to be in Stotts’ dog house. Literally, it’s his home address…
Ben McLemore – Getting run into the ground as both Ramon Sessions and Nik Stauskas played under 10 minutes Saturday night. McLemore did nothing in his 40 minutes going 8/4/1/0/0. That said, had otherwise been on a decent enough run, and yes, as a struggling addict I must confess it’s difficult, would rather him over KCP… Yikes… What has this world come to?!
DeAndre Jordan – This is how to do it, Dwight! Still gets TO (4) and bad FT (4-7), but 12/18/3/0/7 and only had 4 TO in the previous 5 games. He’d started a little slow, but loving the 12 blocks the past two and the FT staying low volume.
Marresse Speights – Gotta love Lakers’ junk time! 24/9 shooting 8-11. Will likely cede a ton of burn when David Lee gets back, but the Ace of Speights is hot for right now! 21 for his last 30 from the field the past 4 games, and worth some scoring streams in deep leagues.
Jeremy Lin – Awful. 0/2/1/0/1 in 22 minutes. Although when Kobe is being Kobe, even touching the ball is a small miracle.
Cory Joseph (1% owned) – It’s a busy night so you might not need to stream too hard, but if you need a widely available guy for your deeper leagues, I’ve got some mojo for Cojo. The comical Sixers are heading to San Antone, and hell, Tony Parker might even get a DNP-rest! Either way, I think Cojo gets a ton of minutes for some Pts/3s/Ast/Stl upside.
Steve Blake (2% owned) – Staying with a widely available PG steaming option, the Blazers will still have Batum’s minutes to mix-and-match, and Blake is off a 7/1/7/3/0 line and is averaging 23 minutes of 6.8/2.8/4.5/1.5/0.3 with 1.8 treys the past 4. New Orleans and Portland are both top-7 offenses thus far, so there should be some fireworks in this one. Not waterdon’tworks!
I hope everyone wrapped up some Ws over the weekend, and good luck in week 4!