Howdy Cool Cats, great news! Due to a combination of all my hard work and Martha from accounting going on maternity leave, I’ve been awarded an actual office, and given the primetime spot of Wednesday, up from that smelly old Friday! Ok, the office is virtual, but the slot is real. By that I’m referring to Wednesday, not Martha. The virtual office comes with more responsibility (I have to drive into the Razzball building and make sure the recycling is sorted, and restock the coffee creamers in the kitchen), but it’s nice to finally get some recognition! I asked for a parking space and a vacation package, and they told me, fine, you are now on permanent vacation. How cool is that?? I gather that means I can work when I want, we artists can be a finicky bunch, it’s prudent of them to recognize that. Well, never fear, good reader, I won’t let my success go to my head, I still have plenty of nuggets to share with the little people. I strive to be humble, and keep doing what got me to the big show. Speaking of getting to the show, here are a few guys on the way up to that corner office, and a few who are heading to the mail room:
Goran Dragic PG, SG
He started from the bottom now he ‘ere… Dragic has been lost a little in the back court, and since he’s had a few games of production, some queasy owners will look to move him. I would offer a low ball offer, as I think he will get into a more of a rhythm, and his production will continue to improve. What do I base this on? Artist’s intuition, and the following: if they don’t make the Dragon happy, he could walk at the end of the year, and they’re clearly trying to, they signed his brother, Zoran Dragic, in an effort to make nice, a la J.R. Smith. I know and you know Isaiah Thomas hurts his value, so don’t offer a top 50 talent in return, but someone like Tony Wroten, (who is clearly a better option at the moment, but whose value will drop when Michael Carter-Williams returns)? You just came out a winner in my books, fella!
K.J. McDaniels SG, SF
If you listen to the Razzball podcast, you will know that Slim has been crushing on this kid for a while. I resisted writing about him earlier, as he was hovering around 17 minutes the first 3 games, but has since been bumped to 27 minutes in his last 4 games. He’s probably just a pick-up for you, as he’s only 21% owned. He will give you modest point production, but his percentages are very good (a 47% 3pt %??) and maaad out-of-position blocks, as he gets 2 blocks and a steal per in those last 4. Certainly better than having Javale McGee in your line up, in my opinion.
Terrence Ross SG, SF
Ross started the season slow, but has been pouring it on lately, as the 3rd/4th option on the sizzling 6-1 Raptors. In his last 2 games, he’s gone 17.5/5/1/1/1 with 4 3pts per, and shooting over 50%. I know, it’s only 2 games, but the Raps are committed to having him start, they fed him minutes through the rough patch, and he is still being given about 27-30 minutes of production. He has a bad enough start for you to argue for a buy low price (season average: 10.7/3.1/1/.7/.7. with 2 3pts per) Again, it’s my gut talking here, but I think his production will be much closer to the last two games as opposed to the season avg.
Pau Gasol PF, C
Was Pau in danger of being considered the other Gasol? That would be a shame, because he has always been number 1 in my books! This isn’t exactly a buy low, as he’s ranked top 30, getting 18.4/11.1/2/.4/2.4 , and spoon fed a monstrous 35 minutes per so far for a big in his golden years! The reason I would tell you to go get Pau-Gizzle (Gizzle?) is that Taj Gibson is out, you could argue that his numbers will go down when Gibson returns. The thing is, I don’t believe that to be true. Coach Thibbodeau is notorious for riding guys into the dirt, and Pau will be the latest recipient of his drill sargeant-esque tough love. If Coach could make Carlos Boozer look halfway decent, and coax an MVP performance out of Joakim Noah last season, imagine what he can do with Pau? Could you coax Pau away with a Russell Westbrook and a piece?
Jamal Crawford PG, SG
He cooled off a bit vs the Spurs, but a lot of players do. He has been inserted (ha! inserted…) into the starting line-up, and it will help his production. He is what the cool kids call ThrAGNOF, but he has averaged 18.25/1.5/2.5/1.25/o with 2.25 3pts in his last 4, and that’s with a 10 point whimper against the Spurs. Can you get an Isaiah Thomas caliber player for that? Someone will bite, no?
John Henson PF, C
One of the good readers of my articles called Henson a muppet (Jim Henson…Muppet, get it?), and that nickname is so appropriate it’s verging on prophetic! I know none of you still have him in your line up, you’re smarter than that, this is more me ranting on the career killer that is Coach Kidd. How can you give 22 minutes a game to Ersan Ilyasova and leave Henson rotting on the bench? He is a delicate 6’11” flower! Bah! Cut the strings off this muppet if you still have him stashed in hopes Henson will find a rainbow connection. That’s just for lovers, and dreamers, and youuuuuu…
Trey Burke PG
Man, it is a good thing the crowds in Utah have Gordon Hayward and Derrick Favors to enjoy, as Trey is not getting it done. He has some value, as he is dishing at a 2 to 1 assist to turnover rate, and he gets at least a steal a game, but I think I’d rather have an Aaron Brooks, or Evan Fournier (until Victor Oladipo returns). If you can get anything for Burke, I would do it, or even consider cutting him loose.
Brook Lopez PF,
He’s a must start, right? I think otherwise. Not because he isn’t producing, but rather, his feet are made of those little crystal hummingbirds your Nana collects. I don’t trust them to hold up, and once he goes down, that will be it, he will only be worth a bunch of those little crystal hummingbirds your Nana collects. If you can get anything approaching top 50 value, I would do it.
C Andrew Bogut C, Dwane Wade SG, SF
I put these two together, as opposed to lumping Brook in as well, as I couldn’t waste the crystal gag, but the principle applies here as well. Get out and sell high, son! Yes, both are producing, but both are major injury risks, and I don’t want any part of it, and you’re a riverboat gambler if you insist on relying on these dudes. In which case I suggest you go out and purchase one of those tiny 2 shot deringer pistols, you’ll need it.
I hope that I’ve covered the essentials. May all your shots be nothing but net, Holla!