Sorry if today’s update is a little light on jokes, as I had to sit through the ultimate joke – my Panthers playing football. Cam Newton looks more injured than the Thunder and the offensive line tanked worse than the 76ers. Buzz’s girlfriend, WOOF!
Anthony Davis is good at basketball. LeBron James can still get triple doubles. Eh, there you go, open over.
Just kidding, but the level of ball Davis is playing right now is ridiculous, with my eyebrow raised off of my forehead like I’m a South Park cartoon. And he’s doing it while being a boss with his %s. 27/14/4/3/4 last night in a near double-rainbow, while shooting 12-21 FG, 3-4 FT, and count em, even fewer TO than Davis has eyebrows, not a single giveaway. I mean, the Panthers took two plays to have more turnovers than Davis last night…
Not to be overshadowed, LeBron tripdubbed for 32/12/10/1/1. This game was redonkulous! Key word on donk, as lots of that was being thrown around. LeBron did have 4 TO, so advantage Brow! According to Basketball Monster, Davis’ per-game value is on pace to obliterate the best per-game season since their system launched in 2005-06 with Kevin Durant‘s 2012-13 second best (looking at those, man I forgot how awesome Shawn Marion was!). We need Rudy to build a best fantasy seasons of all time Sporcle! While the times are a-changin’, just be happy if you got Brow, since I couldn’t anywhere. Panthers suck, I see these lines from Brow even though I was in a big minority having him #1 overall… I will be drinking my Crown & Cokes for the duration of this article. Here’s what else went down in hoops action last night:
Tyreke Evans – Hands out a dimebag! He’s so good! Then… you see everything else. It’s like seeing a but-her-body. Which doesn’t have the same ring as a butherface, but you get the idea. 6/4/10/0/1 shooting an atrocious 2-14. Only 1 TO though! AST:TO players are loving that!
Ryan Anderson – “Why can’t I quit you!?” At least, let’s hope you Brokeback Mountained yourself if you were thinking of dropping Anderson in shallowers. That sounded a lot worse than I meant it to… Added another 32 points and 8 treys to his Ledger. While the dorm RA doesn’t do much beyond your out-of-position ThrAGNOF, you can’t discount how he never turns the ball over.
Shawn Marion – Playing like it’s 2005-06! Well, not really, but 4/8/1/1/0 last night and 30+ minutes two straight. Started Friday night even with Dion Waiters available, so don’t ignore Marion in deepers just because Waiters waited on the bench. Man his body of work is extensive, is Marion in the HOF discussion?
Kevin Love – Hit the 6 threes last night, but how are you NOT getting the rich man’s Ryan Anderson vibe at this point?! Hasn’t dubdubbed in 3 straight, has one outlier with a 4 steal game, other than that, 3 combined steals and blocks on the season.
Enes Kanter – Useless. 18/3/0/0/2. You’re like, “What, blocks, finally!” And I’m like, “What, 5 TO, in 25 minutes, bash my brains in!” Shot 7-8 so there’s that, he can shoot some midrange, but other than that goes into the fetal position. Time for a new Crown & Coke.
Dante Exum – Wooooooo! Trey Burke sucked again, Exum definitely had to get some big minutes! Oh… Burke shot 2-12 for 5/2/8/2/0, you like the dimes and he had no TO, but 2-12… 1-8 from deep… Sheesh. Yet played 36 minutes, and Exum got stuck with 19 of 3/4/0/1/0 ball including an airball so bad it was included in his Rotoworld blurb. Man, last night blew. I’m sticking with Exum a tiny bit, but yikes. I pounded that last C&C I just made, pouring one more.
Gordon Hayward – At least someone showed up for the Jazz. 30/8/5/0/1 shooting 11-15 as the Pacers radio crew (I was on the road listening to some of this, definitely before the C&Cs!) were clowning Chris Copeland’s bad defense. Speaking of…
Chris Copeland – I said it was time to move on yesterday and 6/3/0/0/0 last night, plus getting burnt by G-Hay Girl Hayyyy! At least all points were two treys! Bleh.
Donald Sloan – More bleh. 1-9 from the field for 2/3/3/0/0 in 29 worse minutes than watching Two Broke Girls. A.J. Price showed a little sumthin sumthin off the bench, shooting 8-12 (3-4 3PTM) for 22/1/1/0/0, but he’s AJ Price… The Pacers have Two Broke PG.
Lavoy Allen – What in the?! After a decent start, minutes dropped to under 20 the previous two games before a “why didn’t JB tell em to stream him!” 12/15/3/1/1 line with 0 TO shooting 6-12 last night. Before you make Lavoy YaBoy, David West is targeting the end of the week to return from his kankle.
Roy Hibbert – 29 points. I wasn’t watching just listening to some of this, but if the line-ups are how they’re listed, it means Enes Kanter was guarding him a lot of this game. Which is all you need to know.
Derrick Rose – He’s back! 24/2/7/1/0 shooting 9-20. Looked good out there, I did catch the end of this one. Unfortunately means that…
Aaron Brooks – … continues to be criminally unused in the NBA. Imagine what sort of game he’d be running for Utah or Indiana… 11 minutes, and still made em count for 10/2/1/2/0 hitting a trey.
Pau Gasol – It’s hard to imagine his blocks per game staying at a career-high pace, but looking like a value for where you had to get him. I wish I had him somewhere… Keep the C&Cs coming, my vertigo is only barely kicking in!
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope – Feel the burn! I think this drink is maybe 1 part coke, 5 parts crown. You disappoint me so much KCP! I’m crying on my keyboard. “Yes honey, that’s why the buttons are sticking…” 9/1/1/0/0, and still not getting the steals.
Josh Smith – Debut for my REL team! And ya know what, didn’t kill me anywhere! Somehow my life has turned into Josh Smith being my glimmer of hope… What has this world come to… 19/11/4/0/3 with “only” 3 TO shooting 8-19 and 2-3 FT. And actually hit a 3! Just needed my REL motivation.
Stan Van Gundy Makes No Sense – I’m obviously not a Brandon Jennings guy, but dude went 11/5/8/2/1 in a near rainbow and was +/- 0 to D.J. Augustin‘s +/- -11 and DJ closed out the game. BJ had 4 TO and shot only 3-11, so I guess there’s your answer, as DJ was 5-8 FG 16/1/2/1/0, but a few of those buckets in the final minute when it was junky. This is all junky.
DeMarre Carroll – Quick don’t look! Who led the Hawks in boards last night?! F! Gave that away… 9/10/2/1/0 hitting a trey and maintaining borderline 12-team usable value. Good %s, boards and steals, welcome to the graduation from the ThrAGNOF class! I retract my thoughts, no longer in the Borderlands and he can be in your Final Fantasy teams where available.
Dennis Schroder – 28 minutes that were brighter than that spot in his head. 14/4/4/1/0, but did have 4 TO and Jeff Teague only played 25 minutes. Teague was benched down the stretch, but I don’t think this is a trend. He was 0-4, but had 6 assists.
Paul Millsap – Maybe hasn’t been a monster, but pretty scary line last night for 19/4/2/3/0 hitting three treys for his first multi-3PTM game. 4-4 FT too! Trillsap, JB like you. Not the alcohol talking!
Carmelo Anthony – Best game of the year! Sell everything to get him! 25/9/7/0/0 shooting 11-25. But before you spray me with your metaphorical confetti (gross), 0-5 from deep, 3-18 back there the last 4, still only 1 block on the season and not hitting FTs like usual… Some of these will bounce back, but one too many holes in this rickety ship. Except read the end of that last sentence while holding your tongue.
Iman Shumpert – Sometimes fantasy value can just hit you right in the face. 18/3/5 last night, shot an eerily identical 8-12 FG (2-4 3PTM) the past two games, and I guess I have to take his awesome haircut seriously for once. Rather him over… Jameer Nelson? Manu Ginobili? Not DeMarre Carroll though… If that range helps at all… One more shot to finish off the Crown!
Kawhi Leonard – Ohhhh he’s so dreamy, even if goop is leakin’ out of his eyes! I’m too drunk to look at his stats, he did gooooddsds,df.
DeAndre Jordan – 6/13 with some blocks in there, he’s good I promise…
Chris Paul/Blake Griffin – Both almost triple-doubled but didn’t, they’re not LebrooooBrooBron! Why are NBA games on so late, I wanna watch The Walking Dead! I’m so done with this basketballllllllll
Streamer Picks:
Gary Neal (14% owned) – As I mentioned yesterday, Neal seems to play down the stretch minutes when the Hornets are down. And the Hornets just lost to the Lakers. If the line on this game isn’t Blazers by +25, then I’m taking the over. Really only had 2 bad games all year, he’s an easy play tonight.
C.J. McCollum (2% owned) – While he might not be the “official” starter with Nicolas Batum missing tonight’s game, I could see all sorts of rotations where Wesley Matthews moves to the 3 and CJ gets a good 25 minutes of rock. And/or, the Blazers are winning by 30 by the 4th quarter and the Blazers give him the keys in garbage time.
I hope everyone had a great start to their week 3 matchups and we’ll see ya tomorrow!
