JB – The glitz, the glamour, the Razzies! Slim we’re back, for the 4th Annual Razzies, I can’t believe we’re now simulcast live on ABC, NBC, and Skinamax!
Slim – Yeah, I dunno how you sold that third one…
JB starts to sheepishly unbutton his tuxedo.
Slim – STOP!
JB buttons it back on…
JB – …Well, simulcast on ABC and NBC then… The cameras are out, our NBA nominees are arriving on the red carpet as we speak. Our Razzies are backstage with THE CORRECT award cards set up by our PAs for each 16-17 Razzies, with the Razzie awarded to each esteemed winner by your votes. There’s Chandler Parsons sporting a walking cane, I guess there’s no hope that it was all an act and he goes into a front somersault like Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka, right?!
Slim – …I’m surprised he’s not in a wheelchair… Ohhhh, entering in the west entrance, let’s hope he can fit that hat in under the doorway! It’s… Coach Asshat!
JB – Nice spot Slim, yes Coach Asshat looks like a total Mess, fitting for his season, I just love this time of year!
Slim pulls out his phone [NOT an iPhone!], and starts playing a video. There is so. Much. Hair!
JB – No! NO! Make it stop! Well, we got Skinamax back, but lost ABC and NBC, 1 outta 3 ain’t bad! Speaking of, there’s Andre Drummond! Waving at the crowd, shoulder hair busting through his tuxedo. What a illustrious night. Slim, I think everyone has about filed away into our ballroom, Let’s award some Razzies!
Slim is disgustingly still holding his phone up to the camera. JB just shakes his head…
Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:
Jason Kidd – MIL (45.8%)
Coach Asshat – BKN (27.7%)
Mike Malone – DEN (14.5%)
Luke Walton – LAL (12%)
Jason Kidd – Wow, I definitely thought that idiot over there with an ass on his head was winning this one in a runaway! Look, it’s not my fault my custom Magic 8-ball determines which PG I play big minutes that night. “Magic 8-ball, would you start Brogdon tonight?” “Don’t count on it!” “Magic 8-ball, would you think about starting Thon Maker even though he’d be getting DNPs on most teams?” “You’re one sexy motherf%&*?$, Jason!” Hey, it’s not my fault my custom Magic 8-ball has some new ones in there!
Worst JB Call:
Chandler Parsons – MEM (85.3%)
Brandon Knight – PHO (8.0%)
Gary Harris Isn’t a “Must Hold” – DEN (6.7%)
Chandler Parsons – [limps to the stage] It’s been raining too much in the mountains, because it’s a landslide! Things would’ve gone a lot easier if they just allowed steroids and HGH again, we wouldn’t have any injuries! I solemnly swear that I’ll never sucker money from an NBA franchise again, or allow JB to rank me at all. Outside the top-200, what a value for 2017-18!
Worst Slim Call:
Brandon Ingram – LAL (56.2%)
Gary Harris Is a “Must Hold” – DEN (8.2%)
Brandon Ingram – I’m lanky and bony, play lots of minutes for an awful team, so Slim saw magic and sugarplums in my numbers! I. Proved. Him. Wrong. I barely shot 40% from the field, 60% from the stripe, and had more TO than Stocks. Slim loves his youngies, but he went a little too jail bait on this one! This award is for all the future jail bait that Slim chases, in 2017-18 and beyond!
The Worst Fantasy Impacting Injury:
Kevin Durant – GSW (50.0%)
Kyle Lowry – TOR (37.8%)
Eric Bledsoe – PHX (12.2%)
Kevin Durant – Whoa, surprised this was so close! It’s not my fault Zaza and his giant, hairy legs fell into me and tore up my knee! But at least I’m back now, and playing some pretty solid ball. Ready for the playoffs! Which does fantasy owners no favors, hah! Serious question for the 17-18 rankings though – am I injury prone?! Am I?! I got that label?! Am I my own Slim Reaper?! Oh shizz, this award acceptance speech got meta!
Biggest Bust Who Didn’t Get Hurt:
Victor Oladipo – OKC (51.4%)
Jae Crowder – BOS (29.7%)
Gorgui Dieng – MIN (18.9%)
Victor Oladipo – Go back and listen to some early preseason podcast tape, JB got me exactly right! He knows me. He knows the Dipo. People trying to put me top-20, but JB was like, “NO SIR!” …And still foolishly ranked me top-30. JB shoulda stuck to his guns here, and been bolder with his call! 3rd lowest on FantasyPros ain’t gonna cut it in my book!
Worst Team For Fantasy Goodness:
Brooklyn Mess (43.2%)
New York Poppycockers (35.1%)
Los Angeles Lakers (21.6%)
Brooklyn Mess – [with Coach Asshat accepting the award] – Yeah, F you all voting for Jason Kidd, I wanted two of these! I wore a literal ass on my head just to come in full uniform for this stupid event! I was also told it would be an open bar, but nooooooooooooooooooo! This whole Awards Ceremony can SUCK MY ASS. …hat.
Worst Ratio Killer:
Andre Drummond – DET (47.1%)
Russell Westbrook – OKC (42.9%)
ames Harden – HOU (10.0%)
Andre Drummond – Call me Meryl Streep, because I got nominated all 4 years and won this baby back-to-back! I’m unstoppable with the Razzie line! FT line?! Not so much. I’d like to thank my family, my coaches for never believing in me and not making me shoot FT all day at practice, and Dapper Dan Shoulder Hair gel. Have shoulder hair that just never wants to stay in place?! Dapper Dan!
He pulls out a can from his tux.
Everyone asks me when I started using Dapper Dan, and I tell them…
Drummond is forcibly taken from the podium by at least 10 security guards.
Hey, I’m just trying to sell some Dapper Dan! I’m not Charles Oakley! LET GO OF ME!
Why Did I Quit You?!
Nikola Jokic – DEN (44.9%)
Elfrid Payton – ORL (42.0%)
Devin Booker – PHX (13.1%)
Nikola Jokic – Why would so many people quit me?! I’m young, posted some big lines in my rookie year, had promise?! Oh wait, maybe it’s because I said I would refuse to play PF next to Nurkic, and was so whiny about it, Malone had to bring me off the bench. That whole diva November was bad enough for us to trade away Nurkic for a shit deal, and now we aren’t making the playoffs. I think more people (cough, Malone, cough, Denver management) shoudla quit me! Well, maybe not, we’ll see if my defense-less triple-doubles can translate to some winning basketball! …In like 2020 maybe…
JB – Wow, for the first time in 3 years, the Razzies has ended without an attempted murder! What did you think of this year’s nice and docile awards!
Slim continues to watch his video on his phone, with sensual sax music playing.
JB – Gary, just call the dude already! Thank you all for voting for your favorite Razzies, tuning in to today’s prestuigiuos awards, and we’ll catch you again next year for the 5th Annual Razzies! Slim, would you turn that off already?!?!??!
JB grabs Slim’s phone out of his hand. Slim freaks out, and they get into a slap fight as we fade to black…