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As you should have heard, the City of Angels has acquired the services of one Mr. Stephen John Nash, the greatest Canadian basketball player since Shaquille O’Neal. What? He’s not French-Canadian? Huh. Anyway,  Steve Nash has a new team and the Lakers are as happy as a pedophile in a windowless van. There are two truths you need to understand about Nash – uno, his numbers are on the decline and will continue to be on the decline, y dos, he is still an amazing specimen of basketball prowess. If Nash feeding Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol doesn’t sound appetizing to you, it’s because you think I mean he is literally feeding them food. How did you picture it? Was he using a spoon or was he regurgitating it into their mouths? What the hell, man? Actually…tell me more about this fantasy of yours. Alright, yeah, we should get back to the relevant fantasy, which is fantasy basketball.

Ray Allen – The Miami Heat said, “Oh no, we are the kings of stockpiling talent,” so they went and signed Ray Allen. Allen is no Steve Nash, but he is a Ray Allen, specifically the Ray Allen, and he should help the Miami Heat become even better. I’m not sure what that entails, though, considering they already won a Title. Maybe they play the Globetrotters? And speak Romanian?

Jeff Green – Reports say he will re-sign with the Celtics. I guess this wasn’t enough to keep Ray Allen in Boston.

Ryan Anderson – The New Orleans Hornets will obtain Ryan Anderson, “the 2012 Most Improved Player,” and the Magic will get in return center Gustavo Ayon. Anderson took a big leap forward in two categories, points scored and the ever elusive offensive rebounds. Ayon will probably suffer from some kind of sophmore slump, but could be a good source of rebounds and blocks. Only time will tell, unless the Mayans were right.

Ersan Ilyasova – He may sign with the Bucks. If he does, he will finally be able to buy that bicycle he always wanted. I presume.

Kirk Hinrich – Generalbevollmächtigter went back to the Bulls, but this is only relevant if you are prosecuting Nazi war crimes. He’s in Chicago, boys! Get ‘im!

Kyle Lowry – The Rockets sent Lowry to the Raptors, and this may be just the thing to push Toronto into .450 win percentage territory.

 

From Around The Web

  1. Jonathan d jay. says:
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    Did u reall just compare laker fans happiness to a pedopie?? You are sick and should be banned after a lame come t like that!!! U r sick!!! B

    • ChrisV

      ChrisV says:
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      @Jonathan d jay., I apologize for my comet.

    • JashFath

      JashFath says:
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      @Jonathan d jay., Oh come on, you are taking things too seriously. And if you take things too seriously, then you shouldn’t be reading Razzball. And if you shouldn’t be reading Razzball, you should order DirectTV. And if you order DirectTV, you will realize it sucks and go back to cable. And when you go back to ca…. Man, I don’t know where that was going, damn those commercials!

  2. Jonathan d jay. says:
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    Did you really just compare laker fans to pedophiles? U r a sick person. It’s not even something to joke about you loser!!!!

    • ChrisV

      ChrisV says:
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      @Jonathan d jay., I didn’t compare Lakers fans to anything.

  3. Jonathan d says:
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    Sorry u said “the lakers are as happy as a pedophile in a windowless van”. That is still the most pathetic comment t I have ever heard! Journalism is not your future. Pathetic.

    • ChrisV

      ChrisV says:
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      @Jonathan d, Alright, well, I appreciate your feedback. I will keep my day job as a used van salesman.

    • SJ says:
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      @Jonathan d,

      Comparing Lakers fans and pedophiles!??! That is just awful!

      Pedophiles everywhere should be outraged! I mean, pedophiles are the scum of the earth…but they aren’t quite as bad as Lakers fans.

  4. Fenris-77 says:
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    Least helpful article commentary ever? Quite possibly. Congratulations Jonathan D, you’re as useless as windows in a pedophiles van.

    Moving on…

    I also really dislike the Green signing for Boston, It puts a big ol’ wart on an otherwise successful off-season in Beantown.

    Ilyasova and Lowry should both be good, but the rest is meh. I’m not too shiny on Anderson in NO, and Hinrich and Allen are deep bench fodder at this point (Hinrich more so than Allen obviously). Ilyasova is a guy I can see targeting in the 6th round maybe, or even a touch higher in a well-informed league. Lowry is probably 3rd or 4th round at best if you want to own him. Or second round in some of the leagues I play out of the Raps main forum. :(

    As a Raps fan, I will say that I’m insulted by your off-the-cuff win percentage prediction. A care compilation of proprietary stats, a smidge of wide-eyed optimism, and a late night pop-tart binge combin to produce a win percentage projection more in the .452 range. I’ll thank you kindly not to sell my team short.

    • ChrisV

      ChrisV says:
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      @Fenris-77, all relevant points, but the big issue is why doesn’t Toronto have a rapping raptor?

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