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I want answers God Dammit!!! I had the night off from the strip club where I’m now performing, so my chicken and I decided to relax, share a Steel Reserve” 40 ounce and view our favorite movies of 2012 receive countless accolades and awards. To our astonishment, all the epic films of 2012 were forgotten like Bow Wow’s rap career (and acting career). Silver Linings Playbook???? Mentally disabled lovers??? Anyone recall The Other Sister? Talk about a knockoff. Don’t get me started on Les Miserables. Shouldn’t there be a separate award show, or category at least for musicals? For the love of God please!!!! Lincoln was so boring I switched over to porn 20 minutes in, though it did inspire me to go the interracial route. This gave me a new type of respect for the man John Wilkes Booth popped in trying to resurrect the confederate cause. What’s truly ironic about that situation is that Lincoln, no doubt bored out of his gourd watching another God-awful musical, was probably wishing he was shot at that very moment, with little doubt for that reason being that he would never have to witness another musical again. Enough talk about these duds. Let’s get to Tehol Beddict’s winners.

Actor in a leading role- Sean Penn in This Must be the Place. Penn was masterful in his portrayal of Robert Smith from “The Cure.” Who knew that the mysterious Penn had this kind of comedic genius!? Not only was his performance off the charts fabuloso, his hair and makeup team deserve an award of their own. Stunning. Simply stunning.

Actress in a leading role- Rihanna in Battleship. Ri-Ri can fire my cannon on the poop deck any day of the week. We all know the movie was an instant classic as critically acclaimed director Peter Berg, you know the guy in The Great White Hyperefuses to release anything that’s not an absolute masterpiece. He certainly got an Oscar worthy performance out of a boyishly handsome Rihanna. One that Tehol won’t soon forget. Kudos Berg. Kudos.

Director- Alex Aja for Piranha 3DD. Almost went with my gut and gave it to Berg for the aforementioned Battleship, but my heart won out as Aja gave us life altering picture in double D. The magnificence in which all those surgically enhanced breasts were displayed on screen coupled with the ferocious and somewhat sickening dismemberment of human flesh by hungry sharks has forever changed the way I view directing. Coming up with idea of having the life guards replaced with water certified strippers? Genius, Genius. Anytime the “whammy” guy from Anchorman makes an appearance you know the movie is headed for glory.  Did I mention it was in 3 FREAKING D!!! Was it Alex who also came up with absolute genius idea of adding in the second “d” in the “3DD,” and if so he deserves even more praise, if that’s even possible. Wow, what a ride.

Best PictureThe Expendables 2. Was this even a competition? Stallone, Da Governator, Van-Damme, Chucky Norris, Bruce Willis, and countless other action stars from the greatest movie era of all time, all in one flick? Lock this one up and throw away the key folks. I was a bit disheartened to learn one of my idols Steven Seagel would not be in the picture, but Thor’s younger brother more than made up for Steve’s absence. Why Mickey Rourke declined in returning to this scorching hot franchise is beyond me. Maybe he has another Wrestler he is working on (extremely doubtful). The mind boggling action from start to finish nearly made me pull a “Lonely Island” and jizz in my pants. Hot Jehovah, was that enthralling or what?!??! After witnessing this assemblage of super stars on the big screen, I knew immediately who my pick for Best Picture would be. Absolutely, no question, the most powerful movie of the year, possibly the decade, f#ck, maybe EVER!

How do you transition from that to the NBA? Maybe mention the fact that Van Damme is one of the 5 greatest athletes the world has ever seen and would have dominated every sport from the days of Gladiators to new age sports like the NBA. I see him a shooting guard, giving chin-nuts (“Daddy, if I had nuts on my chin, would those be chin nuts?” “Hell no b!tch you’d have a d##K in ur mouth)  to every center in the league who dared to challenge his sexy, yet powerful drives to the rack. Can you imagine resident bully, Metta World Peace, getting all up in Van Damme’s grill, only to be give a 360 roundhouse kick to the jugular? Makes a man wet doesn’t it? Here’s what happened in the NBA last night.

Steve Nash- 16 points, 5 dimes and 3 boards. Kobe,  2003 award winner for best actor in an anal bludgeoning, put on a show last night but it wasn’t enough for the win. Look, we know Kobes is a monsta, what you really want to know is if Steven Nash will start putting up great numbers on a consistent basis. Great might be pushing it, but I believe he takes it up a notch and finishes very strong for the Lakeshow. As of now Nash is following the same career path as one my all time faves, Christian Slater. He peaked in his late 20′s to mid thirties, then slowed up in major way (this year), only to reemerge as the talent we all know and love. Slater’s got a comeback in him right?

JaVale McGee- 7 points, 7 boards, 4 blocks, and 2 steals. I know a group of nuggz put up some nice stats but I’m super duper pumped about McGee’s resurrection. The man is legendary for his somewhat baffling behavior on the court, and I for one am a huge fan. The man blocks shots with the same ferocity Tom Sizemore does meth. Think on that why don’t you. Anyway, McGee will finish season on a terror. Have a little faaaaaith in Me.

Bradley Beal- 20 points and 6 boards. This boy wonder is making us all forget about Jordan Crawford. Obviously I’m yanking your crank, as Crawford’s own mother wouldn’t own him in fantasy. Beal has been scoring at a rate that would make even the great Derek Jeter jealous, and I would be overjoyed to own this young gun. Is Jeter still givin those beezys gift bags after he sticks or what? A true class act and someone you cretins should learn from.

Kyle Lowry- 18 points, 5 boards, 3 dimes. Well Hello Mr. Lowry. So glad to see you’re still with us. Your treasured friend Beddict was concerned for a while there. When going full throttle, Lowry plays with the ferociousness of a coked out warthog, crashing through the jungle with reckless abandon. Unfortunately we have not seen much of that this season. Maybe he’s upset he’s forced to live in Canadia. Who knows? All I know, is that this game could be sign of brilliant things to come. Get your mind prepared for a strong finish as I fully expect Lowry to drop more money shots then Peter North.

Jonas Jerebko- 21 points, 6 boards and 3 sweet dishes. Jerk wins the award for player you will more than likely never see again in one of my posts unless it’s for the sake of his insanely hot girlfriend. With my boy Will Bynum being suspended by the league, this Jonas brother went HAM and showed us why Detroit gave him so much cash flow. Maybe with Prince and Daye no longer there to C#ck block, Jerebko will get his minutes upped. Or maybe he will fade back into obscurity like Cassidy did after dissing Meek Mill. The call is yours to make my friends.

Josh Smith- 23 points, 7 boards, 4 assists, 1 theft and one beat. My guarantee of Smith being traded never came to fruition and for that I’m embarrassed. Not really, but Smith should continue his near-daily assault on the opposition as he auditions for a max contract. Be happy he’s on your squad. How happy? Happier than a lion slaughtering an annoying antelope wearing night vision goggles.

Al Horford- 23 points, 22 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals and 2 rejections. I went against the norm and included two players from the same team. Big Al was simply fabulous, in unleashing a plethora of breathtaking moves, and pulling down a Rodman-like 22 boards. I’ll probably always believe sweet Al to not be as dominant as he should be, but maybe games like this every now and again are enough to keep me moist. Don’t stop Believin.

Avery Bradley- 18 points, 5 boards, 4 dimes and 2 steals. Bradley shows the same love and ability for defense as Edward Furlong does for doing weird sh!t. The offense is developing and I’m a lovin what I’ma seein. And I’ma hopefully never write that sentence again. Weird.

Gordon Hayward- 26 points, 2 boards and 3 dimes. White lightening has struck ya’ll! Hayward came through and crushed the competition like Big Pun did in the 90′s and gave white American kids hope across the nation. His boyish good lucks don’t hurt either, do they fellas, er, I mean ladies…..

In conclusion I can only hope you enjoyed this piece half as much as I did writing it. As always your questions will be answered in a timely fashion. If you like where this came from, follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47, so you can witness my inner most thoughts and fantasies. I’d like to give a shout out to my boy Frank Lynch, a loyal reader, and a person I now consider a dear friend. Knuck if you buck. I’m out.

60 Responses

  1. Zandy says:
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    Tehol, whats your view? i already asked JB.

    Please rank the following for rest of season value so i can adjust my bottom 4 roster spots: 10 Team H2H Thanks!

    Danny Green
    Byron Mullens
    Jarrett Jack
    Metta World Peace
    Earl Clark
    Michael Kidd Gilchrist
    Maurice Harkless
    Evan Turner
    Jeff Green

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zandy: Well, I depending on if you need a center or not may depend on where I put Lord Byron but here we go.

      1. Evan Turner- I have to put him hear based on what he CAN do. WIll he do it? Not even JB or Tehol knows.

      2. Jarrett Jack- this man is hotter than Wasabi and I’m glad you have him

      3. Lord Byron- his last few games have been sickeningly putrid so watch for that, but he is obviously capable of large things from the center position

      4. Earl Clark – my favorite of the group has cooled off a bit but his rebounding and shot blocking makes me hard. still strokin. ride until gasol comes back, though he should still be ok when he does.

      5. Jeff Green- although he dropped a dud the other day, Greeny has been ballin and he could explode on any given night. he’s just so smooth man

      6. . Harkless- Starting every game now with horrible depth and many injuries. should put up numbers

      7. MKG- Could easily be higher on here just haven’t seen enough to warrant it. Maybe he breaks through down the stretch

      8. Metta- though he seems to play like hot garbage on a nightly basis, he gets minutes and puts up decent all around numbers

      9. sweet Danny Boy. I always had love for Green and you could easily put him above Metta for shooting percentage and 3′s if thats what you need.

      There you have it. I just analyzed 2 hours of game film for that. THere is nothing I wouldnt do for your success. Mohalo

      • Zandy says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks! You’re the man!

        • Zandy says:
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          @Zandy: What’s your view here?

          Here’s my team for reference, somewhow im in 7th place, fighting for the last playoff spot

          John Wall, Ricky Rubio,Jeff Teague, Mike Conley, Jarrett Jack
          Nicolas Batum, Andrei Kirilenko, Danny Green,
          Byron Mullens, Al Horford, Earl Clark
          Nikola Pekovic, Marc Gasol, Larry Sanders

          Any other ideas of moves I should be trying to make?

          • Tehol Beddict

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Zandy: man thats actually pretty solid team. you have great point guard depth so maybe try packaging one with a forward to get a more elite forward but other than that I like ur team. I think u may have a shot at this thing

            • Zandy says:
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              @Tehol Beddict: Thanks brotha! Want to know the best part of my roster? Peep the Yahoo playoff schedules – ATL, MIN, MEM, WAS go 4-4-4; CHA MIL go 4-3-4; POR goes 5-3-4. All I have to do is make the playoffs and I’m going to be VERY hard to beat with sooooo many games

            • Zandy says:
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              @Tehol Beddict: Who are some of the forwards you would target?

  2. BigMan says:
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    Give: Westbrook + Iggy
    Get: Paul George and George Hill

    Net = 4 games extra in the playoffs.

    Do it?

    My team:

    PGs: Westbrook, Wall, Kemba
    SG/SFs: Batum, Gay, Iguodala, Delfino, J. Green
    PF/Cs: LBJ, M. Gasol, Z. Randolph, T. Chandler, Vucevic

    Thanks!

  3. Tehol Beddict

    Tehol Beddict says:
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    4 extra games could be Roseanne huge. I couldn’t do it, especially Iguodala pushing rhymes like weight lately. Paul George is a gazelle and I would kill for him but Hill doesn’t excite and Granger comin back which is POSSIBLE to eat into george’s game a little bit but probably not much.

    this is tough but westbrook is so bomb explosive and iggy bout to hit his stride. lets come up with another trade to get u some more games.

    • BigMan says:
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      @Tehol Beddict:

      Alright, I’ll try to think of another trade. Thanks!

  4. Steve says:
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    Hi Tehol,

    I spoke to ChrisV yesterday, but it seems today is your turn! ;) I’d like to finish this.

    My opinion is, and Chris’, that I’m in need for a Center. I think I should target Gasol, Ibaka or Lee, however, I’d prefer one of the first two.

    Got the offer Ibaka for Melo straight up. Should I take it? Wait for the Gasol owner to answer or stay put and keep Melo and target a cheaper Center?

    Lillard, Dragic, Walker, Bledsoe
    Wade, Beal, Thompson
    George, Anthony
    Jefferson, Bargnani, Nicholson
    Asik, Valanciunas

    Thanks!

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @Steve: Don’t take it. Melo’s schedule is amazing from here out–keep him at all costs. I’d target Gasol over Ibaka; MEM has 4-game weeks in wks 22 and 23, while OKC has only 3 each of those weeks. You have other valuable chips that you can use to go after Gasol, depending on the other team’s needs. Maybe George and a red-hot Beal?

      • Steve says:
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        @Steve Stevenson:
        That’s a lot of Steve in here.

        I just traded for him (and Wade), so I actually don’t want to lose them. However, it opens up some opportunities. George is one of my favorite players and close to be a keeper for me next year.
        I think Gasol is one of his keepers. I feel like it won’t be easy to get him, so I might target a 2nd/3rd tier center.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve: oh my goodness that’s a filthy team u have there sir. No I wouldn’t do that trade. does big Al not have center eligibility? ur team is stacked man and Asik a beast. lets try and get a cheaper center or see what gasol owner has to say bud

      • Steve says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        Thank you. It’s a 10 team league. Yes, Al is C eligibility. However, my PF/C position doesn’t look so great (hello Bargnani!).

        If I target a cheaper one, who would you target? Actually, I don’t want to lose anyone, haha.
        Chandler, Vucevic, Cousins, B.Lopez? Last three are players of a playoff team though. Could be difficult.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Steve: Barn YAWNY Yikes what a disgrace. maybe he balls out to end the season……wait, what am i saying? can we try and piece klay thompson and kemba or dragic or someone else for cousins or chandler ? u feel me playa?

          • Steve says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: I feel ya pretty good, Sir. But it looks like that it’s not possible. Cousins is his best and he has not much left then. Chandler is pretty much the same.

            • Tehol Beddict

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Steve: you could flip Klay for a legit power forward and move al exclusively to center

              • Steve says:
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                @Tehol Beddict: Let’s be honest, almost 75% of all PF’s are C eligibility, heh, but got ya.

  5. D Rich says:
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    The Expendables 2 damn what a let down., Stalonne had a spark when he started now he just garbage! I’ve always like Gordon Heyward, even when he was at Butler we knew he would be drafted by the Utah Jazz, I think that could be considered racial profiling!! What did you think about the trade deadline and what trades do you think wil have the biggest impact on the fantasy court?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: A let down?????? Debbie Downer, you must be kidding me. Grey told me he blackballing you if you ask him another question.. hahahah just playin you know ur VIP up in this beeeeiii-i-itch. the trade deadline was a joke, although T-Robs could get funky. your favorite player JJ reddick is now on the bucks and its crazy that he’s actually developed into a good player. I used to hate him with a passion usually only reserved for David hirn

      • D Rich says:
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        JJ plays his role and is a team player..shocking that he’s a white hustle player with a jumper haha..always nice to have a guy who drains open shots though. Bucks are an interesting team to watch down the stretch.
        On a side note stop writing fantasy articles and please try to get JR Smith and Matt Barnes paid! It’s criminal the disrespect they get.

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @D Rich: Matt Barnes would literally eat dick to get 3 mill a year. but hey, so would I, and I already know ud suck down whale blubber for 1.5. J.R. needs to act like a man. IM FOURTY!!! IM A MAN

  6. Frank Lynch says:
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    Hey Goodmorning buddy… RHey I think u know my team, Do u think I should trade Rose for Love? Straight up

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: Not for sure no. trading one question mark for another. any other way to get LOVE? did u notice I gave u a shout out in the last paragraph of todays post!?

  7. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Looking to maximize my 4-gamers next week, and secondarily thinking about ROS value in H2H pts league. Pick 2 (no more than 1 of which can be a G): A. Bradley (G), W. Chandler (G), Nicholson (F), Koufos (C), Udrih (G). Thanks.

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Steve Stevenson: IF you get an update saying gallanari gonna be out for a few more days Chandler, if not Bradley for sure and bradley will be better long term if you think about keeping longer. For the forward spot I’m goin my boy Nicholson, who has showed me he has some skill.

  8. Frank Lynch says:
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    I just sat down now to read. I got that offer right before I ate and I just asked everybody real quick.. I’ll let u know. As Bart Scott would say… CAN’T WAIT!!!

  9. Frank Lynch says:
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    Yo Your shit is too funny man.. Thanks for the shout out that was cool man!!! I hope people don’t think I’m your groupie now! Lol Good shit

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: oh you got it playa. throw on some Lloyd Banks, pop a pill, research some basketball and enjoy the day big dog.

  10. Frank Lynch says:
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    You really A male stripper, Magic Tehol?

  11. Frank Lynch says:
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    Also what kinda pills u like?

  12. Frank Lynch says:
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    I gotem all cause of my recent disability.. but anyway you don’t gotta answer that I was f’n around.. Yo I never heard that Meek Mill diss from Cas… Cass is my nigga!!!

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: its called “R.A.I.D.” he went in on him hard

  13. Zandy says:
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    What’s your view here?

    Here’s my team for reference, somewhow im in 7th place, fighting for the last playoff spot

    John Wall, Ricky Rubio,Jeff Teague, Mike Conley, Jarrett Jack
    Nicolas Batum, Andrei Kirilenko, Danny Green,
    Byron Mullens, Al Horford, Earl Clark
    Nikola Pekovic, Marc Gasol, Larry Sanders

    Any other ideas of moves I should be trying to make?

  14. Thrilla says:
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    Good read. Let me ask you something…

    12 Team H2H Y! league, standard scoring league… Trying to pick up a few extra games this week using my 3 available transactions…

    Jeff Green has one game left his week (GS) and Earl Clark has 2 games (ATL, MIN). Both are on my team. Do I drop one of them for:

    A. Aminu (BKN, @OKC, DET)
    How Could You Be Moe Harkless (@PHI, SAC, HOU, MEM)
    W. Chandler (@POR, @OKC)
    C. Landry (@IND, @NY, @BOS, @PHI)

    Also could drop Bledsoe, but he’s got 4 games left this week too. Sorry for the long post…any thoughts?

    Thanks

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Thrilla: tough call though I bet Harkless drops some nice totals in those 4 games. chandler no. wouldnt drop those guys for aminu either. landry is intriguing though not sure if worth it. How desperate for a win this week are you?

      • Thrilla says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I know man it’s killing me.

        5. 18 GB
        6. 18 GB
        7. 18.5 GB
        8. 24.5 GB <—-ME

        I have to catch two of the three guys ahead of me. It's a battle for the last two playoff spots (5, 6 seeds). I'm playing the guy currently in 7th place this week, so I need a W.

        My team:

        J. Wall
        R. Rubio
        D. Lillard
        E. Bledsoe

        T. Evans
        E. Turner
        C. Butler
        S. Novak

        Z. Randolph
        J. Green
        E. Clark

        R. Hibbert
        G. Monroe
        T. Splitter

        Drop Novak for Moe (picking up 1 game)? My team already struggles at 3's…

        Drop J. Green for Moe or Landry (picking up 3 games)?

        Anything you see that feel should be done in order to WIN this week? I appreciate it!

        • Tehol Beddict

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Thrilla: Ok its phuckin go time son. drop jeff green for Moe heartless or how many games does caron butler have? u can do without him.

          • Thrilla says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: Caron and Bledsoe both have 4 games…

            So Imma grab Moe, then just gotta decide if 4 games of C. Landry is better than 4 games of Caron or Bledsoe. Part of me says go for it, part of me says don’t tinker too much.

            • Tehol Beddict

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Thrilla: I would say landry better option than Butt but prob wont make huge difference

  15. Frank Lynch says:
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    If cass dissed him hard then why did Cass fade away like you said? Unless I read it wrong

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: great question. he got some buzz back for a minute with his diss but has now disappeared again somehow

  16. Ryan Gosling says:
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    Hey girl-
    I traded Melo for Deron Williams. I thought I did OK but now I read about Melo’s sched and ouch!

    I needed the assists badly, and I only had one point guard (lost Rondo). Did I f— up man? I’m teetering back and forth btwn 2nd and 3rd, but needed to gain some ground in assists. Carm was my best trade chip and I have plenty of SF, PF so what do you think?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ryan Gosling: what do i think? I think ur the greatest actor on earth. thats what I think. Hurts losing ur top assist man for a selfish gunner, especially if you are deep at wing. you probably need to trade for a MFn point guard dont u think. Gangster squad was wack

      • Ryan Gosling says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I know GS was lame, Stone talked me into that shizz–last time I listen to a ginge. Gimme another chance, girl, point beyond the pines is gonna be sick, just for you bro, just wait.

  17. Frank Lynch says:
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    Hey I saw that someone dropped Nick Young.. Is he someone thats good to pick up or no

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: if you have a bum to drop maybe. i know ur roster like the back of my hand and I don’t believe you do.

  18. Hotrod says:
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    Udrih or Livingston tonight…(Nelson & Irving are both out)…you got 19 minutes…

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Hotrod: oh the thing i do for you Hotrod! OH Man lets go Livingston! feel bad about his injuries. I say he makes up for it all tonight son. chuuuch

      • Hotrod says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Just in time my friend. That was my hunch as well…

  19. Frank Lynch says:
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    Sup.. Just tp update my team I got
    Ty Lawson
    kevin martin
    evan turner
    george hill
    jj reddick
    kevin durant
    blake griffen
    earl clark
    jameer nelson
    roy hibbert
    tyson chandler
    emika okafor
    danillo gallinari
    derrick rose
    Do you think I should ride with that? If it were your team would you do anything? keep Clark? Also I’m just nervous about Rose cause they said a couple weeks but when he comes back in the fantasy playoffs I can’t have him playing only 15 min. IDK.. What u think?

  20. Frank Lynch says:
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    Thanks man… Hey also I was looking at the waiver wire and Luis Scola is on there and he’s 81% owned.. Is there something wrong with him or is that a good pick-up??

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: he has had ok season but if you want someone for only a couple days Jermanin O’neal has been gettin in that ass like preparation H

  21. Frank Lynch says:
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    Someone grabbed O’neal… Was just seeing if Scola was a good replacement for Clark?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: why do you want to drop Earl the Pearl so bad??? if anyone drop Jamison

  22. Frank Lynch says:
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    I dropped Jamison for Jameer Nelson… Idk why. Maybe cause I’m bored or cause he’s inconsistant. LoL What about Trevor Ariza?

  23. Frank Lynch says:
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    Hey buddy… Do you think de colo or gary neal are a good pickup cause of parker’s absence? If so then which one? Also if you think one of them are a good pickup is it worth dropping Ariza? Thats the only player I can drop.

  24. Frank Lynch says:
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    Yo homie what up!!! When’s your new blog coming out?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Frank Lynch: tomorrow. Hope u enjoy it. Gary Neal could be nice pickup

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