I want answers God Dammit!!! I had the night off from the strip club where I’m now performing, so my chicken and I decided to relax, share a “Steel Reserve” 40 ounce and view our favorite movies of 2012 receive countless accolades and awards. To our astonishment, all the epic films of 2012 were forgotten like Bow Wow’s rap career (and acting career). Silver Linings Playbook???? Mentally disabled lovers??? Anyone recall The Other Sister? Talk about a knockoff. Don’t get me started on Les Miserables. Shouldn’t there be a separate award show, or category at least for musicals? For the love of God please!!!! Lincoln was so boring I switched over to porn 20 minutes in, though it did inspire me to go the interracial route. This gave me a new type of respect for the man John Wilkes Booth popped in trying to resurrect the confederate cause. What’s truly ironic about that situation is that Lincoln, no doubt bored out of his gourd watching another God-awful musical, was probably wishing he was shot at that very moment, with little doubt for that reason being that he would never have to witness another musical again. Enough talk about these duds. Let’s get to Tehol Beddict’s winners.
Actor in a leading role- Sean Penn in This Must be the Place. Penn was masterful in his portrayal of Robert Smith from “The Cure.” Who knew that the mysterious Penn had this kind of comedic genius!? Not only was his performance off the charts fabuloso, his hair and makeup team deserve an award of their own. Stunning. Simply stunning.
Actress in a leading role– Rihanna in Battleship. Ri-Ri can fire my cannon on the poop deck any day of the week. We all know the movie was an instant classic as critically acclaimed director Peter Berg, you know the guy in The Great White Hype, refuses to release anything that’s not an absolute masterpiece. He certainly got an Oscar worthy performance out of a boyishly handsome Rihanna. One that Tehol won’t soon forget. Kudos Berg. Kudos.
Director– Alex Aja for Piranha 3DD. Almost went with my gut and gave it to Berg for the aforementioned Battleship, but my heart won out as Aja gave us life altering picture in double D. The magnificence in which all those surgically enhanced breasts were displayed on screen coupled with the ferocious and somewhat sickening dismemberment of human flesh by hungry sharks has forever changed the way I view directing. Coming up with idea of having the life guards replaced with water certified strippers? Genius, Genius. Anytime the “whammy” guy from Anchorman makes an appearance you know the movie is headed for glory. Did I mention it was in 3 FREAKING D!!! Was it Alex who also came up with absolute genius idea of adding in the second “d” in the “3DD,” and if so he deserves even more praise, if that’s even possible. Wow, what a ride.
Best Picture– The Expendables 2. Was this even a competition? Stallone, Da Governator, Van-Damme, Chucky Norris, Bruce Willis, and countless other action stars from the greatest movie era of all time, all in one flick? Lock this one up and throw away the key folks. I was a bit disheartened to learn one of my idols Steven Seagel would not be in the picture, but Thor’s younger brother more than made up for Steve’s absence. Why Mickey Rourke declined in returning to this scorching hot franchise is beyond me. Maybe he has another Wrestler he is working on (extremely doubtful). The mind boggling action from start to finish nearly made me pull a “Lonely Island” and jizz in my pants. Hot Jehovah, was that enthralling or what?!??! After witnessing this assemblage of super stars on the big screen, I knew immediately who my pick for Best Picture would be. Absolutely, no question, the most powerful movie of the year, possibly the decade, f#ck, maybe EVER!
How do you transition from that to the NBA? Maybe mention the fact that Van Damme is one of the 5 greatest athletes the world has ever seen and would have dominated every sport from the days of Gladiators to new age sports like the NBA. I see him a shooting guard, giving chin-nuts (“Daddy, if I had nuts on my chin, would those be chin nuts?” “Hell no b!tch you’d have a d##K in ur mouth) to every center in the league who dared to challenge his sexy, yet powerful drives to the rack. Can you imagine resident bully, Metta World Peace, getting all up in Van Damme’s grill, only to be give a 360 roundhouse kick to the jugular? Makes a man wet doesn’t it? Here’s what happened in the NBA last night.
Steve Nash– 16 points, 5 dimes and 3 boards. Kobe, 2003 award winner for best actor in an anal bludgeoning, put on a show last night but it wasn’t enough for the win. Look, we know Kobes is a monsta, what you really want to know is if Steven Nash will start putting up great numbers on a consistent basis. Great might be pushing it, but I believe he takes it up a notch and finishes very strong for the Lakeshow. As of now Nash is following the same career path as one my all time faves, Christian Slater. He peaked in his late 20’s to mid thirties, then slowed up in major way (this year), only to reemerge as the talent we all know and love. Slater’s got a comeback in him right?
JaVale McGee– 7 points, 7 boards, 4 blocks, and 2 steals. I know a group of nuggz put up some nice stats but I’m super duper pumped about McGee’s resurrection. The man is legendary for his somewhat baffling behavior on the court, and I for one am a huge fan. The man blocks shots with the same ferocity Tom Sizemore does meth. Think on that why don’t you. Anyway, McGee will finish season on a terror. Have a little faaaaaith in Me.
Bradley Beal– 20 points and 6 boards. This boy wonder is making us all forget about Jordan Crawford. Obviously I’m yanking your crank, as Crawford’s own mother wouldn’t own him in fantasy. Beal has been scoring at a rate that would make even the great Derek Jeter jealous, and I would be overjoyed to own this young gun. Is Jeter still givin those beezys gift bags after he sticks or what? A true class act and someone you cretins should learn from.
Kyle Lowry– 18 points, 5 boards, 3 dimes. Well Hello Mr. Lowry. So glad to see you’re still with us. Your treasured friend Beddict was concerned for a while there. When going full throttle, Lowry plays with the ferociousness of a coked out warthog, crashing through the jungle with reckless abandon. Unfortunately we have not seen much of that this season. Maybe he’s upset he’s forced to live in Canadia. Who knows? All I know, is that this game could be sign of brilliant things to come. Get your mind prepared for a strong finish as I fully expect Lowry to drop more money shots then Peter North.
Jonas Jerebko– 21 points, 6 boards and 3 sweet dishes. Jerk wins the award for player you will more than likely never see again in one of my posts unless it’s for the sake of his insanely hot girlfriend. With my boy Will Bynum being suspended by the league, this Jonas brother went HAM and showed us why Detroit gave him so much cash flow. Maybe with Prince and Daye no longer there to C#ck block, Jerebko will get his minutes upped. Or maybe he will fade back into obscurity like Cassidy did after dissing Meek Mill. The call is yours to make my friends.
Josh Smith– 23 points, 7 boards, 4 assists, 1 theft and one beat. My guarantee of Smith being traded never came to fruition and for that I’m embarrassed. Not really, but Smith should continue his near-daily assault on the opposition as he auditions for a max contract. Be happy he’s on your squad. How happy? Happier than a lion slaughtering an annoying antelope wearing night vision goggles.
Al Horford– 23 points, 22 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals and 2 rejections. I went against the norm and included two players from the same team. Big Al was simply fabulous, in unleashing a plethora of breathtaking moves, and pulling down a Rodman-like 22 boards. I’ll probably always believe sweet Al to not be as dominant as he should be, but maybe games like this every now and again are enough to keep me moist. Don’t stop Believin.
Avery Bradley– 18 points, 5 boards, 4 dimes and 2 steals. Bradley shows the same love and ability for defense as Edward Furlong does for doing weird sh!t. The offense is developing and I’m a lovin what I’ma seein. And I’ma hopefully never write that sentence again. Weird.
Gordon Hayward– 26 points, 2 boards and 3 dimes. White lightening has struck ya’ll! Hayward came through and crushed the competition like Big Pun did in the 90’s and gave white American kids hope across the nation. His boyish good lucks don’t hurt either, do they fellas, er, I mean ladies…..
In conclusion I can only hope you enjoyed this piece half as much as I did writing it. As always your questions will be answered in a timely fashion. If you like where this came from, follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47, so you can witness my inner most thoughts and fantasies. I’d like to give a shout out to my boy Frank Lynch, a loyal reader, and a person I now consider a dear friend. Knuck if you buck. I’m out.
