Danny, Jeff, Draymond, and Gerald. It sounds like a the real, non-stage names of a boy band. Everybooooody…. Rock yo booooody! Rock yo body right, the Green team’s back, ALRIGHT?!! I’m onto something here: this analogy even has some Jackson 5 tangents, with Willie Green (Orlando), JaMychal Green (San Antonio), and Erick Green (Denver) playing the Tito and Germaine roles of the family members who haven’t hit the limelight yet guys. Or the jilted Destiny’s Children? I dunno, you talk amongst yourselves, and work it out. Willie, JaMychal and Erick (much better boy band names) are all rooks/sophs who are coming along slowly. Like Janet, they’ll have their chance to shine further down the road, hopefully. All I can say is that the Greens that matter are come up rosy. So get out and something something about the players being money, because they’re named Green! And you might want to trade in some of those Greens for these cats:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As most of you don’t know, I’m actually Will Smith’s illegitimate first son. If you don’t believe me, well you more or less have to click on that link and read it, or else the following will be too esoteric… Too ephemeral…
After Mo Williams was moved back into the starting line-up last night, he showed his Rubio-esqueness going 14/3/13 in a fantastic dimebag performance. The chosen player for the open this morning, I asked Mo to interview me and my method for compartmentalizing everything fantasy basketball into a daily recap:
Mo: What have you been reading lately?
JB: Ya know, totem pole haikus, Ke$ha’s twitter profile, because ya know… Because living.
Mo: I feel ya. So what’d you think about my facilitating last night? Pretty sick line back in the starting 5.
JB: Well, I don’t really watch the NBA. There’s no sports I like to watch, so I make them up myself and watch them again, and it’s the best thing… But even in my self-created NBA, it was pretty impressive. The way you can distribute while making time go slow… Or fast… As you please… And how you know it doesn’t exist.
Mo: I have been turning back the clock, that’s for sure! That baby Zach LaVine is way behind me for fantasy these days, right?
JB: He’s the feeling of like, a fragment of a holographic reality…
Mo: You’re right, pretty easy call there. So are you dropping say… Tony Wroten for me?
JB: There’s a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking “yes”, you’re thinking “no”. It’s a tool for understanding. It comes from a place of oneness.
Mo: I have no idea what the F you’re saying. Just tell me, am I a good medium-term value until Ricky Rubio gets his ankle all healed up?!
JB: If he wants his muscles to grow, he has to shock them. If you want society to change, you have to shock them. That’s what art is, shocking people.
Mo: Fine. Whatever. I know I’m legit, LaVine shoulda stayed in school longer…
JB: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many people die in hospitals every day. Med school? What’s up with that!? I still haven’t been to med school and I haven’t died in a hospital, I can’t see how med school is really helping anyone out… Same with LaVine, in whatever universal form he occupies…
Mo: Occupy? #OccupyDraymondGreen?!
JB: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed!
Here’s what else went down in NBA action last night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ahhhh weed jokes. The Pacific Northwest. Their team is the Blazers. Rasheed Wallace used to play for them! But I don’t think Oregon has legalized it yet. What’s the world like in Colorado and Washington these days? Something like Amsterdam? Although, even though I went there, I hardly remember it. If you have Damian Lillard though, you’re surely remembering the night he put up last night! 11-23 shooting, 8-12 3PTM for 36 points, a surprising 8 boards, and a dimebag right on the nose with 10 assists. Plus a game-winner! The near triple-double moves Lillard to 10th overall in Total Value according to Basketball Monster, and a true American Hero! And by that, I mean my 19 overall rank of him got flack more than a few times through the rankings iterations, and looking peachy keen now. He’s lowered his TOs almost a full turnover a game since his rookie year, upped the 3PT% and my favorite – is becoming an elite FT% guy going 5.2-5.6 a night at 91.8% for the season. Getting to the line and making em, pretty much the antithesis of Andre Drummond! Hey o! Oh wait, I mean, I’m jinxing Drummond, he’s the bast center in the world and will all the sudden shoot 95% from the stripe once he adopts the Barry granny shot… Here’s what else I saw last night in fantasy hoops:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back from Thanksgiving! After a week of indulgent eating, I’m back with an extra 20 lbs of writing weight. Those drumsticks went right into my index fingers. So I didn’t learn the typical QWERTY typing method, sue me! I taught myself how to type in “Olsen Twins Turn 18 Countdown” chat rooms when I was in middle school… Fantasy hoops had a ton go down through the Turkey Day holiday, although Omer Asik wasn’t traded to the Magic for Hedo Turkoglu. Now that would’ve been a Turkey Day! Of all the things that went down, I am positively giddy for the run Patrick Beverley is about to give us with Jeremy Lin set to miss two weeks with a knee strain. Thanks in part to Slim’s water torture, I’m a big Beverley believer for some real mulit-cat upside. Early returns started slow, with PBev going 7/2/2/2/0 the game Lin got hurt during the first quarter, then only 5/4/1/0/0 in 24 minutes on the Friday night. But on Saturday against the Spurs, 11/6/5/3/1 no turnovers and three treys. “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” Thanks Maury Ballstein. Even though PBev isn’t a focal point of the offense, I buy the peripheral stats, and a must-have addition to your own “Balls Models” squads. Steals, boards a-plenty, with some dimes and out-of-position blocks will floweth like a river. Or Slim’s water torture device. You said you weren’t into S&M! This is my fantasy update writing of shame… Here’s what else I saw since we last checked in:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, I give up. I’m flabbergasted by what’s going on in New York. Just like the last rave I attended in which everyone wore furry animal suits, I don’t get it, it scares me, but here we are and I’m going to roll with it as best I can.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I almost titled this post “C Bud Run, Run Chase, Run” but thought that might make everyone go crosseyed. Also, he didn’t have a great game last night and I’ve had this loaded since Saturday, so I went with the title that suggested rockier times ahead.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, so you saw GrizzMaster Gay shoot a pair of free throws, clutch his shoulder and leave the game for good on Tuesday. You went to bed worried that your team’s second-best player was done for the year. You dreamed about it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Nets beat one of the best teams in the Western Conference last night on the strength of three bench players. So it makes perfect sense for me to choose this day to poo on him for being such a bad coach.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I wanted to call this Earl Watson-centered intro Earl, You’ll Be A Go, Man Soon, but two things happened: 1) people stopped listening to Urge Overkill, like, a decade ago, 2) Watson is already a go, and I fear that soon, he’ll no longer be a go.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Pistons said they benched former star(ter) Richard Hamilton on Wednesday so as not to risk injuring him before they ship him off to a farm upstate. They didn’t tell Rip that’s why he wasn’t going to play. They just told him they wanted to save his energy for the really important games.Please, blog, may I have some more?