It’s like that scene in Moneyball when Beane-y Baby is talking to David Justice and says something along the lines of, “You pissed off the other team so much, they’re paying 2/3 your salary!”  Except the Pistons are going to pay 3/3 of Josh Smith‘s salary…

Geez, over the weekend plus a travel day, I feel like I missed two season’s worth of the NBA!  Smoove gets waived, there’s trades…  I think Andrew Wiggins is even contemplating retirement!  In Detroit Rock City, Stan Van is tired of seeing Detroit Brick City.  Shooting a career-low (even for Smoove!) 39.1% from the field (including 9-37 from deep for a Gargantuan 24.3 3PTM%), Stan Van is about as sick of labradoodles as Michael Vick.  Too soon!  I could go Larry Sanders there too, he is on my all-hate team…  Wow, this got too serious.  Josh Smith is terrible at basketball!  Another year of 2.6 TO is doing no favors, but even in only 32 minutes a game (a low since 2005-06), he’s at a career-best 4.7 AST this year.  Then again, another flip-side with a career worst 46.8 FT%.  I’m rattling things off we already know, but mostly want to mention in H2H leagues, he’s still a useful player if your team is built the right way.  And my pre-season rank was hoping he would come off the bench and boost the FG% and bad TO rate by playing against second units.  Right now the Rockets are front-runners to pick him up (which also is a big indictment on Terrence Jones coming back any time soon), which should limit his labradoodles and keep him in line for defensive stats.  I’m really hating what Stan Van is doing to DET for us fantasy-players – these shifts in minutes and rotations are infuriating – so I’m actually a little encouraged.  We’ll see how it shakes out, but if you’ve been able to weather the Smoove storm of horrific efficiency, I’d keep holding.  Here’s what else has gone on across the league since we last checked in:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Hey Kobe, I’m open, I’m open!”  That’s every Laker…

Despite the plausibility that the Lakers are a real NBA team, they once again proved the contrary with yet another blowout loss.  Well, I guess they’ve been in some games, but c’mon!  Kobe Bryant is trying to do everything himself, like an asexual chronic masturbator.  15-34 FG last night (3-12 3PTM 11-16 FT) for 44/5/3/0/0.  After a 1-14 brickhouse Friday night, that’s a 16-48 weekend (33%).  At least Sunday was good!  Ish.  Most concerning are those treys, going 3-17 from deep in both games.  He’s never been a good three-point shooter, especially the past four years.  Glasses anyone?   Russell Westbrook has got a guy…

As I’m sure Kobe would appreciate to no end, I have a comp for him.  Dwight Howard.  Hah!  Mostly kidding, but Kobe is Dwight-ing (new adjective) your FG%.  In H2H it’s not a paramount concern, but in Roto it’s getting scary.  I don’t know what you do about it except try to trade Kobe high to a team at the top of your FG% standings.  Then let Kobe and that ridiculous volume sink them like the whole Purple and Gold franchise.  I keed of course!  There’s just nothing there.  Like hairs on Carlos Boozers‘ head or anatomy on Ken’s crotch.  Kobe vs. NO tonight, 5-on-1!  Here’s what else went down over the weekend in fantasy basketball action:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, Andrew Bynum is Mr. Glass too…  But the other way!  And he’s also Mr. Franchise Killer, as the Cavs had to suspend him just to get him to stay out of the stadium.  “Hey Andrew, leave the HurryCane at home today, we don’t wanna keep paying the stadium workers to put down the handicap ramps!”  Just saves money across the board.  Once Bynum gets waived, I think even Obama will be shaking his head at Bynum’s healthcare bills.  Anyway, the obvious benefactor to that whole mess is Anderson Varejao, who after his dominating 18/25 game last night has double-digit boards in 4 of the last 5.  Varejao was cleaning up the glass like he was the Unbreakable one!  The leading rebounder in the NBA last year before he got hurt (at a ridiculous 14.4 a game), Varejao should be a monster in 2014.  Although it does help when Nikola Vucevic is hurt and the starting center against you is Jason Maxiell.  Hell, I coulda had a double double against them last night!  And I don’t even have Jerry Curls!  Here’s what else I saw last night across the NBA:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sooooo… Last night just happened.  It was the wildest night of fantasy hoops that I could ever remember.  Sure my memory isn’t exactly like Ken Jennings, but yea… Definitely going to break the “what the hey?!” record!  The Fantasy Basketball world just stood still.  It was just like the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still.  Is that Keanu Reeves?  What is Jaden Smith doing here?  Wait, is this an actual plot?  There’s just too much crazy to care about these special effects!  There were like, a million three pointers last night.  Tony Wroten had a triple double.  Ok, who had Wroten in the triple-double pool?  I think if you had bet on that in Vegas you coulda turned a dollar into owning the state of Nevada.  18/10/11 while shooting 7-18.  A lot of Philly stats got boosted by the Rockets pace, and if you hadn’t heard yet, Michael Carter-Williams was a very late scratch with a sore foot.  What are they feeding these guards in Philly?  I think it’s obvious that to be a good NBA PG you must diet solely on cheesesteaks.  But enough meandering, let’s go straight into the nitty gritty, the CGI effects if you will, for the reason why you’re here:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So Russell Westbrook played yesterday… Ummm… What?

After hurting his knee in last year’s playoffs, then requiring a second surgery on October 1st, Westbrook was one of the biggest fantasy news stories early in preseason with an uncertain timetable.  Well that table has expired much earlier than anyone expected, and Westbrook was out there without a minutes restriction last night.  It’s like the first surgery was done in Hostel, then the next one at the X-Mansion.  Seriously, reports ranged from from early to mid-December as a target return date, but a little Adamantium in your bones goes a long way!  The good news is he’s back, but the bad (and frankly, not shocking) news is he was mighty rusty.  In nearly 33 minutes, Westbrook shot only 5-16 (0-2 3PTM 11-14 FT) for 21 points, with 4 Reb and 7 Ast and 4 TOs.  Besides shooting like Michael Chiklis, you’ll take that line any day.  Very encouraging to see Westbrook get to the line that frequently, and the minutes were indeed non-limited.  He looked pretty Westbrook-ish in highlights as well.  Even if Westbrook isn’t quite the player he was the past few seasons, all owners are looking at a steal for where they got him post-second surgery.  Here’s what else I saw over the weekend in fantasy hoops action:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The period of free agency continues to shape the fantasy basketball-scape with fresh meat on terrible teams and players signing with contenders to be relegated to bench duty.  With baseball in full swing and the NFL getting half of the ESPN air time no matter what time of year it is, a lot of NBA moves have been made under the radar.  Look for every division to get a team-by-team breakdown and some early fantasy thoughts on the new faces in new places:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Lipizzan horse breed dates back to the 16th century and they are the most breathtakingly graceful creatures young Tehol has ever laid eyes upon. Purebreds are known for being whiter than the purest Columbian blow and their massive members. Some have even said that a few of the grandest stallions had testicles that almost dragged on the frozen tundra of Slovenia (which is where they hail from) during mating season. Now comes the truly intriguing part: I have always held a high interest in genealogy, or was it gynecology? Anyway, the way Chandler Parsons has been playing this season has truly been a mind altering experience. He’s white and he’s American, two things that don’t mix with NBA basketball. This drove me to spend countless hours in the library and on the internet digging deeper than a coal miner, so that I could find Parsons true heritage (calls to his agent were not returned). After a month’s supply of caffeine pills and countless rockstars I was able to finally piece it together: this man is part Lipizzan! You see, his distant relatives started the first Lipizzan stud farm and kept it in the family for centuries along with a very little known secret. Now remember, these stallions had an insatiable thirst for ejaculation, so sometimes it was necessary to “milk” them. The idea first came to Bogdan Parsons in September of 1678; He would take this extra horse jizz and, mix it with his own and inseminate his betrothed. Now, you realize this would be difficult since it needs to be squeezed in at the same time in able for traces of the stallion’s spunk to take. Imagine jerking a horse off along with yourself at the same time. What timing! Young Bogdan mastered the art of stroking a few months later, timing it perfectly then impregnating his wife. A son was born. An incredibly strong son who grew to be as stronger than anyone in all of Europe and he was hung like, well, a horse. The rest, as they say, is history.

Parsons has finally reached stallionhood and is no longer a yearling, or a gelding like many of his relatives thought when he underwhelmed at the University of Florida. Last night Parsons dropped 32 points, 3 boards and 3 assists, while only missing one shot from the floor. Parsons is real. The research is real. Tehol Beddict is real, and this what else I witnessed last night in the NBA.

Please, blog, may I have some more?