Fantasy Basketball Advice

Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo and a host of others did not play for the Boston Celtics. The offense was carried by Aleksandar Pavlovic with 16 points, surpassing his previous season high by 6 points. Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade and LeBron James did not play for Miami, which was led by Dexter Pittman (12 points) and James Jones (11 points). If you missed this game, I’m sure you can catch it on ESPN Classic, but you should note that this time of year, superstars will get rest. Plan accordingly.

DeMarcus Cousins – You know I love Cousins. I want to wrap my arms around Cousins. I want to watch Cousins pee. Okay, if it wasn’t weird before, it just got there. In any event, he scored 32 with 7 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, and a block. DeLicious!

Isaiah Thomas – Earned 9 assists, which made up for his terrible second half which caused him to finish the game with only 11 points on 3-10 shooting (1-4 behind the arc).

Serge Ibaka – 4 points, 3 rebounds, 1 block in 20 minutes. Wow, those weren’t strawberries he dropped last night.

Russell Westbrook – On 4-13 shooting, he still gave a line of 13/8/6/2/2. The prior game, he went 3-22 and produced 14/4/10. Imagine if OKC bought him a pair of glasses, he could be a top 20 player!

James Harden – Didn’t play due to getting a concussion from the ironically named Metta World Peace. The former Ron Artest was suspended for 7 (or 8, I forget) games, but if he is still rostered on your team, you probably aren’t even reading this. Now that’s meta! Or not. I’m not really sure how to properly use that prefix.

Daequan Cook – Off the bench with 19 points. He was cooking with gas! Usually his gas is just a fart, so he’s not worth rostering.

Nazr Mohammed – 4/4/0/0/0. Remember when the Knicks traded to get him? Sure, Michael Doleac wasn’t any better, but this was the solution for the Knicks? Memories!

Grant Hill – Played 2:43, went 0-3. If Grant was a roast, I’d say stick a fork in him ’cause he’s done. I mean, he’s still done anyway.

Michael Redd – He tallied 15 points in 20 minutes. The prior game, he scored 4 points in 18 minutes. The lesson is this isn’t 2008, Sherman, get back in your time machine!

Marcin Gortat – Although he grabbed 12 boards, he went 1-8 for only 2 points. How many Pollacks does it take to score? Apparently more than one! Look, it’s okay for me to make fun of the Polish, because I’m racist.

Paul Millsap – Went 26/15/4 with a tantalizing 3 steals. Ignoring his Paul Mis-hap game of April 18th, he’s had a solid two weeks and is good to go.

Al Jefferson – George and Weezie’s grandson racked up a respectable 18 points and a stellar 16 rebounds. Just because he’s generous, he gave 4 assists and 2 blocks, too. Also, it was his fourth double-double in a row. Can I get an Amen!

Eric Gordon – Did not play so he could rest. Rest? For what? The Hornets will have a ton of time to rest once the season’s over.

Al-Farouq Aminu – The terrorist went 8/11/2 with a block, and previously went 14/8/1 with a block and 17/8/2. He’s worth playing while he’s doing this well.

Greivis Vasquez – On the night, 11/6/7. I feel like General Greivous has been picked up and dropped and picked up again more often than a dockside whore.

Jeremy Tyler – With Lee and Biedrins out of action, Tyler played 40 minutes and produced a line of 13/8/2. Brandon Rush played 17 minutes off the bench and scored 15 points. For shame, Jeremy.

Charles Jenkins – 10/5/10 and averaging 9.6 assists over the last five games. That’s pretty valuable, especially in leagues that count fractions.

Caron Butler – 9 points on 4-11 shooting, including missing four of five from downtown. I thought women’s basketball was supposed to have better fundamentals.

Chris Paul – 34 points including 4 threes, as well as 8 assists, 2 steals and 5 rebounds. For a man with two first names, he did well once again.

Josh Smith – Plugging along with 18/10/5. He’s the little engine that could!

Joe Johnson – Smokey Johnson played out 28 points, 7 rebounds, and 3 assists. He scored most of those points on 6 three pointers. After a terrible stretch of not making any, he now has 13 of 17 three pointers.

Ali vs. Frazier.  Balboa vs. Creed…. hmm, wait let me try again.  Tyson vs. McNeeley… nah still not right… Ron Palillo vs. Dustin Diamond (there we go!).  An epic pillow fight last night went down between the Wizards and the Bobcats.  Two teams entered.  One team was left standing.  The Wizards channeled their inner Dustin Diamond and decimated the pathetic Kittens by landing a knockout punch before the second half even began.  Thank God this is the last week of regular season basketball so I don’t have to read/listen/watch these two teams until next season.  Kemba Walker was just awful (4 points in 14 minutes off the bench) and the only Kitten I’d remotely “trust” is Gerald Henderson who led all scorers with 19 points (5 boards, 1 ast, 1 steal).  Did anyone really stand out this season on this team?  Flashes from Byron Mullens, Walker, Bismack Biyombo, and D.J. Augustin but nothing to salivate over for next year.  Bad teams can be fantasy gold but every player seems like they’ll be lottery tickets.  If they get Anthony Davis in the lotto, then I’d draft him over anyone except (MAYBE) Henderson.  Nah, I’d draft him over Henderson too.  Here’s what else I saw in the NBA last night:

Nene - Solid again off the bench scoring 18 points along with 6 boards and 3 blks.  Getting injured might’ve been one of the best things to happen to the Wizards because it let the unheralded Kevin Seraphin (12/8/0/1/1) show that he can contribute.  Huh?  Andray Blatche what?  That guy still plays basketball?  Haha you almost got me.

Jan Vesely - An up and down season whose peak may have been kissing his girlfriend at the draft.  Nevertheless, the young forward has been a solid contributor including a line of 16/6/1/4 last night.  Upside pick next year at the end of drafts that you’ll probably drop after a week.

Rodney Stuckey - 0 points in 20 minutes.  I wonder why I get sucked into drafting him every year.  Next year he’s making the leap!!

Paul George - 27/10/4/3 with 2 3PM.  He’d be awesome to own next year but you’re gonna have to pay a big price.  No, not A.J. Price (started with Danny Granger resting until the playoffs and George Hill having a night off).  The lesson here is that in the last couple days of the season you gotta rummage through the waiver wire like a homeless man goes through garbage looking for donuts.  ”It’s a bear claw! You have no idea how rare this is.”

Linas Kleiza - Your bear claw.  15 points, 9 boards, 2 assists with 2 3PM’s to boot.

Sundiata Gaines - 2 points, 1 rebound, 1 assists.  Poop, lettuce, tomato sandwich.  Nom nom nom.

Kawhi Leonard - 2 points, 2 rebounds, 1 assist, and a steal in 19 minutes as a starter as Popovich played 13 guys.  Doesn’t he know that’s bad luck?  It’ll be hard trusting any Spurs guys in the last game or two if you’re looking for solid production (outside of Tony Parker) cause they basically have the 1 seed locked up.

Manny Harris - I stared at this name for five minutes and decided it was the least interesting name in the NBA.  I hate that I even wrote it.  The stats?  11/3/2/3 with 1 3PM.  Not very interesting there either.

Marreese Speights - Significantly more interesting and alot harder to spell.  Memphis has only one more game, but if you need a source for boards he can help you.  Double double in his last two games (17 and 10 last night).

Al Horford - Will play Thursday!  I have no idea what to expect but if you need someone to play then roll with him over say… Alan Anderson.

In case you missed it, the artist formerly known as Ron Artest delivered a blow to James Harden’s medulla oblongata, which knocked Harden out of the game with concussion-like symptoms. MWP said the elbow was completely unintentional, claiming that it was just a result of being overly excited from dunking over Serge Ibaka. I too would be pumped if I dunked over Mr. Iblocka, hell, I would be pumped if I could touch the rim, but my natural celebration wouldn’t be to flail my elbows towards the nearest skull. Maybe World Peace watched a replay of Game 3 of the 2011 Western Conference Finals and just wanted to give Harden a real reason to hit the floor. Whatever the case, World Peace will likely get a suspension and miss the Lakers’ final game of the season. There isn’t much fantasy relevance behind that, as any team that has been rostering MWP for the entire season probably didn’t make the playoffs anyways. It does, however, affect Harden’s owners, because he will likely miss the Thunders’ final two games. There hasn’t been any final word on this, so don’t flat out drop him yet (Also, any man with a beard like this can never be counted out of any game). But if he hasn’t been cleared to play by Monday afternoon, then I would look at other options. This is the last few days of the season baby, and you need all the healthy bodies possible. Here are some other fantasy notes to help you scrap for/lock up your fantasy ‘ship.

But before we get to that, I just wanted to give my two cents about Metta World Peace… I am seriously done with him. From the idiotic name change, to his “rap career”, to his off-court (well on-court) behavior, and now this cheap shot, I’ve had enough. You can act like a fool when you are playing well, but when the talent runs out and you can’t back up your shenanigans, then you are just a joke. I hope he is trying to give off that image, because that is how he looks to the rest of the world, peace.

Amar’e Stoudemire – Speaking of looking like a joke, did you catch Stoudemire’s cornrows? I couldn’t help but laugh. Oh yeah, fantasy related news. He returned Friday (15/3/4/1) and dropped a 22-point, 11-board dub-dub Sunday. More impressively, he has blocked five total shots in those two games. Guess his new thugnificent look is making him a better defender.

Kobe Bean Bryant – Also returned this weekend, and also returned to taking a bunch of bad shots and making a few good ones. Kind of like Dirt Nasty does with songs.

Jordan Hill – Scored 14 and grabbed 15, adding a trio of blocks in 35 minutes. He may get a few extra minutes if the Lakers decide to rest their bigs in their final game, but I wouldn’t count on much. Hill is more of a player that I would get excited about if he was on a team where he could start. His per-36 numbers of 13.2/10.4/1.5 look rather tasty.

Thabo Sefolosha – Played a season-high 41 minutes after Harden went down. If Harden does indeed miss their next two games, then Sefolosha will actually be the starter, instead of just a placeholder. He doesn’t score much, but he will give you steals, boards, blocks, and about a trey per-game if he gets minutes. So consider him if you need to catch up in any of those categories.

Serge Ibaka – 18/14/7 as he double-doubled for the first time in… too lazy to check. More importantly, he attempted 16 shots, which were a season-high. It seems that the sergeant of blocks is the next in line for shot opportunities if Harden is out. This would obviously give him a boost in value; however, I wouldn’t count on 16+ shots a night, as Kevin Durant and Russell Westrook are capable of just scoring 60 points each.

Marvin Williams – 29/11/3/4/1 against the Knicks Sunday. Wha-wha-what? I think this guy just likes messing with us. He was super-hyped coming out of college, then busted. He looks like a physical beast, but doesn’t play like one. Then he has a performance like Sunday’s, but it followed a 4/2/1 game on Friday. Damn you Enigma Willliams!

Baron Davis – Missed a couple games because his play was making him sick, but returned Sunday with a line of 13/10/2/1 and a trio of treys. I still wouldn’t add him unless you’re desperate for assists and threes, and your league doesn’t count turnovers.

Jason Thompson – Had himself a helluva game Sunday, scoring 14 points to go along with 11 boards, seven dimes, and five steals. J-Tom is one of those players that when they get hot, they get real hot. Andre 3000: “What’s hotter than hot?!” Scorching? I don’t know, never paid much attention in chemistry.

Matt Carroll – Shot 1-of-10 from the floor as he has the potential to be the worst player on the worst team ever. Congrats!

Chandler Parsons – Had a line of 23/6/4/4/1 and three threes (which is a manly version of a tutu) Sunday. His play has been inconsistent down the stretch (11 points over last two), but he is a player I might get excited about next season.

Goran Dragic – With Kyle Lowry being shut down with a groin injury (ouch!), Dragic will be able to go H.A.M. in the Rockets’ final game of the season. Given Dragic’s unlikely success this season, Steve Nash will reportedly be opening a “School for un-athletic looking people who want to be good a basketball” this offseason.  I am enrolling.

Ben Uzoh – Your starting point guard for your Toronto Raptors: Ben Uzooooooooooh! Jose Calderon isn’t coming back this season, so Uzoh will do what Uzoh do, which is being not very good at basketball. I really wouldn’t pick him up unless you were desperate.

Alonzo Gee – Returned from an ankle injury scoring 10 points in 19 minutes off the bench. If the greatness that is Anthony Parker doesn’t get in his way, Gee could be an intriguing add with three games left on the Cavs’ schedule.

Tim Duncan – Was the player’s face whose Pop’s “old geezer’s night off” spinner landed on. Who it lands on for the Spurs’ final three games? Who knows! I heard the Vegas odd-makers had their money on Tony Parker, but I am putting my chips on Manu Ginobili. Either way, you can’t drop these guys, because when they do play, they will give you more than waiver wire fodder.

Charles Jenkins – Played the entire game Sunday, finishing with 24 points, nine dimes, and six boards. With Nate Robinson likely done for the year (and the Warriors only having eight active players), ole’ Chuck is an immediate add.

Nikola Pekovic – Finishing his breakout season on a strong note with Sunday’s 19-point, 16-rebound dub-dub. He has shown to be a bit of an injury risk, but Pekovic will be another guy I will take a strong look at in next season’s drafts. Here is Fry’s evaluation of Pekovic: “Not sure if he’s actually good, or just watched Darko Milicic for too long.”

Glen Davis – Big Baby had a quiet night Sunday (14/3/1), but has been playing well overall since returning from injury. He gets the lowly Bobcats next time out, who would even make a real baby look good on the hardwood.

Jameer Nelson – The Little Big Baby went down with a calf contusion against the Nugs. This is unfortunate because he was playing well prior to the injury. Contusions aren’t serious injuries, but Nelson will probably miss the remainder of the season. His fill-ins Chris Duhon and Ish Smith pretty much negate each other’s values, which weren’t very high in the first place.

Every March, the fine city of Chicago hosts a race called the Chi-diterod. It’s like Alaska’s Iditerod, but with a charitable food drive element. Also, the only huskies involved in the Midwestern team race are the super fat dudes eating knockwurst for breakfast. (And pre-lunch. And lunch. And post-lunch snack.) Most of the five-person teams dress up in some themed costume and race with shopping carts. This year, me and four other guys to whom I routinely pay a substantial amount of money so that they’ll call me friend, went with a Forrest Gump theme. Only we all wanted to be Gump, so we went as five different eras of Gump: College Football Gump, Vietnam Gump, Shrimpin’ Boat Gump, Classic Bench Gump and Running Across the Country Gump. We figured if Gump could run across the U.S., we should be able to handle six miles toting a metal shopping cart. Why am I telling you this with just one week to go in the RCL’s? Because running is hard, whether you’re taking it seriously or dressed in infantry fatigues pretending to be a fictional character from a movie released almost 20 years ago. It’s not over until you cross the line and eat an entire box of chocolates. Nothing exemplifies that more than the surprise switcheroo that took place this week as Mr. Duck Fat, after four consecutive weeks ranked No. 2, has overtaken One Piece for RCL’s top spot. Even more astounding is that One Piece had led the RCLs for the previous 16 weeks. Fewer than five points separate both the team averages and division ranks, which means someone like Alan Anderson could mean the difference between who takes the cake in this thing. You’ve got six days. Make it count.

Here’s the spreadsheet.

22% of ESPN leagues.  That’s the ownership % of Avery Bradley.  Or maybe the % of managers who are still vying for some sort of title (The true test…  David Lee was deemed out for the season over the weekend and he is still owned in 65% of leagues.  100-65 = 35% of owners still care).  Bradley has averaged 1.4 3PM 13.9/3.1/1.4/.8/.2 on 53% shooting helped by a ridiculously ridiculous 68% from downtown (plus 80% FT) over the past 12 games.  His rise has given Celtics fans all the hope that they can reach the finals this year.  I think he should be owned in basically all leagues while he remains this hot (and while Ray Allen is out).  Plus, there’s nobody else on the Celtics roster to threaten his playing time.  Here’s what else happened in the NBA last night:

Kyrie Irving - Triumphantly returned last night to a beatdown, courtesy of the 76ers.  He played only 20 minutes scoring 9 pts, 3 rebs, 4 asts with 1 3PM.  Look for the minutes to ramp up soon as well as the stats.

Spencer Hawes - Played only 16 minutes coming off the bench but still managed 8 points, 7 boards, and 1 assist.  His replacement, Nikola Vucevic, played 8 minutes for 0 points and 3 boards.  How a corpse starts for a playoff team AND gets 3 rebounds I have no idea.

Nene - The one-name wonder returned to action last night to the tune of 14/4/1/0/2 in 18 minutes.  He’ll likely be eased back into action so that the Wiz can continue tanking (New Orleans only 3 games ahead!).

Rip Hamilton - Averaging 17/4/3 with 1.6 3PM over his last 5.  With Derrick Rose and Luol Deng out, it looks like Hamilton is the Bulls #1 scorer and helped destroy the pathetic Kittens last night 100-68.  He could be a solid fill in down the stretch while players are resting for the playoff run.

Derrick Brown - Rumor has it that the Kittens tried to sneak Anthony Davis into their lineup last night but instead Brown was the 2nd leading scorer (behind Kemba Walker).  He scored 14 points, 6 rebs, 1 steal, and 1 block.  Unless you went to Xavier, you have no idea who this guy is (or care).

Charlie Villanueva (not a typo) – Averaging 20 mpg over his last 3 games after recovering from canc…(Kevin Garnett told me to say it, blame him).  OK seriously, he’s finally getting some burn while the Pistons try to keep up with the rest of the teams that are tanking.  Might be worthwhile in a deeper league for some points, boards, and threes.

Rodney Stuckey - 0 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists in 21 minutes.  Maybe it’s cause I always think of “Stuck in the Middle With You” but I trust Stuckey as much as I trust being alone in a room with Mr. Blonde.

Ivan Johnson - The black russian who isn’t russian and was born in San Antonio, Texas (Ivan is equivalent to “John” in english, so maybe his parents just didnt want to call him John Johnson.  That would’ve been weird.) posted a double double last night.  He has been solid ever since Zaza Pachulia (Georgian, FYI) was sidelined.

Mike Bibby - Got the start with Baron Davis sidelined and gave his team a cleveland steamer of a performance (3/10 FG, 8/3/8/1).  Luckily they played the tankapalooza Nets and the Knicks pulled out the W.

Sundiata Gaines - 18/6/6/1 with 4 3PM.  Go pick him up so that you can drop him when Deron Williams returns.  At least it’ll look like you’re staying active.

Rajon Rondo - Said he wouldn’t miss time with his back injury but obviously he was lying since he sat out last night.  Paul Pierce took over the PG duties and Sasha Pavlovic took the empty starters spot.  He made sure it stayed empty by putting up a bagel in 24 minutes played.

Eric Gordon - Need I even say it?

Jerome Dyson - 24/3/2/3 including 14-16 FT.  WHO ARE YOU?  Leading scorer for the Hornets last night, that’s who.

Lance Thomas - Has started the past two games for the Hornets and has 0 points combined in his last four games.  Tank city b*tch, Tank, Tank city b*tch.

Marcus Camby - Considered doubtful for last night’s game against the Mavs so of course that means he played and pulled down 17 boards to go along with 11 points an assist and a steal.  If Camby is diagnosed with a torn ACL I’m pretty sure he’d average 20/20 with 5 blks.

Wilson Chandler - Out for the season with a hip injury.  He received alot of hype when he came back from China in fantasy circles and played a total of 8 games.  Woof.

JaVale McGee - Third straight game with under 20 minutes played and is owned in 88% of leagues.  You don’t get points for stupidity folks.

Nolan Smith - 16/3/0/1 with 1 3PM.  He’s been getting minutes with Raymond Felton out so he could be worth a flyer if you’re desperate.  Or not if you hate Duke.

Hasheem Thabeet - Worthless, but he’s always a good indication on when the end of the season is near.  ”Wow Thabeet got more than 10 minutes?!  Must be April!”

Gordon Hayward - 23/4/1/2 with 3 3PM.  Ah another sign!  Hayward’s tear at the end of the season so that I draft him as a sleeper next year (again).

Kawhi Leonard - 1 3PM, 13 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists, and 2 steals as the Spurs basically played their B team against the Kings and still destroyed them.  Young Spurs are great lottery tickets here in the last couple games.

Isaiah Thomas - Great again last night scoring a team high 21 points to go along with 8 assists.  It’ll be interesting to see where Thomas is drafted in fantasy drafts next year.  Especially when the Kings draft another guard in the lottery.

James Harden - Had to double check the box score last night because I couldn’t see how the points added up to 109 with only three guys in double figures.  Then I noticed one of the double figures was 40 points by Harden.  Well then.

Thabo Sefolosha  - Started and played 31 minutes while scoring 0 points.  Someone has got to start over Harden so that he can get the Sixth Man award.  Way to take one for the team.

Jared Dudley - Cold and now hot again.  Scored 18 points with 2 3PM and 6 boards.  He’s at least better than David Lee at this point in the season.

Alan Anderson - Played a game high 45 minutes for the Raptors last night resulting in a 15/2/3/1 stat line (7-18 FG, 0-8 from 3).  The Raptors figured he isn’t going to play in the NBA after this year so they just left him on the court all night.

LeBron James - With Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh sitting, Bron went 1 v 5 against the Raptors and won by 24 points.

Nate Robinson - Out with a hamstring injury.  Really they’re sitting  him to eliminate any small chance of winning whatsoever.

Brandon Rush - Good enough to be rostered and bad enough not to brag about it.  10/5/2/0/1 with a 3 on 50% shooting.

Metta World Peace - Still lighting it up (18/2/9/0/1 with 2 3PM) while Kobe Bryant ”rests” (aka find victims to feed off of like a vampire so that he can be strong for the playoffs).