Fantasy Basketball Advice

Many tears were shed on Valentine’s Day, and not because lonely people were curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, a bottle of Pinot Noir and Blue Valentine on Netflix. Danny Granger left the game in the first quarter with a spained left ankle and did not return. LaMarcus Aldridge liked his style and also departed in the first quarter with a left ankle sprain. No news yet on whether either one of them will have to be put to sleep, but you may as well hold tight and pray to as many gods as you can think of to make sure Granger and Aldridge don’t miss a lot of time. You may want to include Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva for good measure.

Amar’e Stoudemire – Returned from a four game absence and netted 21 points with 9 boards. If he was rusty, it didn’t really show, as he was Standing Tall and Talented. There’s absolutely no reason not to continue to plug him into your lineups, unless you are prejudiced against apostrophes.

Jeremy Lin – Linsanity continued with 9-20 shooting, 11 assists and a pair of threes, including the game winner. The Lindustry earned his Lincome with 43 minutes on the Court. That’s how many minutes Eddy Curry has played in the past three seasons.

Linas Kleiza – Somehow managed to miss five of six from behind the arc and four of six from the free throw line, yet still accumulated 15 points. If you put me on the floor for 38 minutes, I probably could have given you something similar. If you’re thinking of picking him up, think of something else, like not picking up Linas Kleiza.

Jose Calderon – Continues on turbo mode. Last night, he gifted his owners 25/11/9 with three steals, a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. Not bad for a guy typically drafted in the 8th round.

Norris Cole – Dropped 20 points on the Pacers but with nothing else to write home about. I mean, really, what would you say? “Dear Mom, How is dad? I’m thinking about doing a double major because student loans are really keen. Also, did you hear Norris Cole had one rebound, three assists, and no steals? That’s basically what he’s done all month. Boring! Anyway, I better wrap this up and drop it in the mail. Give my love to grandma and the rotary phone.”

Chris Bosh – Produced 13/7/1, no blocks, 33% shooting. This follows 8/7/4, 1 block, 37.5% the day before and 14/16/1, 2 blocks, 28.6% the day before that. The Heat have played nine games in fourteen days, grueling even by this season’s standards. Bosh is tired, and you’re going to suffer for it. The condensed season is tearing this family apart!

Rodney Stuckey – Another satisfying performance with 23/4/8. Stuckey on you, I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose. Guess I’m on my way.

Manu Ginobili – All the rust Stoudemire didn’t have was all over Ginobili in his second game back, putting up (throwing up?) 1/2/7 in 24 minutes. Still, the assists are coming, and if you are in need of a guard…well, you could do worse. If he’s still on your waivers, I would grab him in a non-sexual way. If someone else already has him, make passive aggressive comments for the rest of the season.

Ben Wallace – Five boards and nine points in 26 minutes. If you think that sounds about as exciting as wet paper towels, Greg Monroe had six rebounds with four points in close to 22 minutes. If you are over 6’9″, the Pistons would like to talk to you about playing center for them.

Luol Deng – Dished out a career high 11 assists to go along with 23 points, 7 rebounds and a blocked shot as the Bulls rallied to win after blowing a 19  point lead. Adam’s family says he is recovering and in good spirits.

John Salmons – That fishy smell is Salmons’ line of 3/1/2 on 1 of 8 shooting. What a load of carp. He really krilled your numbers if you started him. He hasn’t had double-digit points since February 6th, and he’s basically been a pain in the bass for five games now. I would cast him back and see who else I could reel in off of waivers.

DeMarcus Cousins – Gave his owners a double-double with 28/17/2 with three steals, two blocks, and a three pointer for good measure. It may be wrong to kiss your Cousins, but I won’t tell anyone if you do.

Tyreke Evans – Reminding me why I drafted him by playing just about 42 minutes for a line of 27/8/8, including 8-8 on free throws. If you are into numerology and mystical patterns, 27 is a multiple of 8 (but only if you failed math class in 3rd grade).

John Lucas – If he gets regular playing time, he is worth an add in deeper leagues. His evening of 9/1/9 on 50% shooting during 22 minutes comes after increased floor time the previous two games. I can’t promise you anything (and I won’t!), but any guard getting 20 minutes on the Bulls is good for some assists. He’s someone to keep an eye on if you’re tired of swimming upstream with Salmons.

Kevin Martin – Zero points, one rebound, two assists, one steal. Blech. Double blech! I haven’t seen something that disgusting since I walked into the bathroom after Adam Richman. Martin has no excuse, and I hope he thinks about what he’s done.

Mike Conley – 21 points on 7-of-15 shooting with 3-of-4 from the outside. He had only made 19-of-59 three pointers before Tuesday’s game, and a paltry 3-of-13 for the month. Did Memphis move the three point line closer to the basket?

Kyle Lowry – Played shy of 39 minutes but wasn’t bashful on the court, leading all players with 24 points and six assists. Okay, maybe that’s not super exciting, but if you’re not happy with that then there really is no pleasing you.

Rudy Gay – 20/8/3 as he has been extremely solid for the past two weeks. I wish I could say the same thing about my bowels, but I ate some bad Chinese food the other day. That’s not a joke, it was terrible, much like the Utah Jazz on Tuesday night. Speaking of which…

Paul Millsap – After three games in a row and four in five nights, the Jazz were gassed. Millsap had the prettiest line of the bunch, a mediocre 10/8/3. Utah has two days off, which should allow them to get some rest and come back fresh. Expect an uptick in performance from your Jazz players as they give you some positive notes this Friday.

James Harden – Off the bench, the bearded one netted 22 points on 6-9 shooting with three from behind the arc to go along with five assists. Daequan Cook (8/2/0) should not be taking away time from ol’ Jimbo, but it doesn’t matter. Harden is putting up the better numbers even without the starting job.

Marcin Gortat – Rat-a-tat scored 10 points and nabbed 14 boards, but it comes with the caveat that he had a sickly 31% shooting. Gortat usually has better aim than that, and I wouldn’t put too much into his extra bricks. In any event, you will take the back to back double-doubles and you will be grateful.

Markieff Morris – He decided he wanted to lead the team in scoring and dropped 21 with six rebounds and two blocked shots. Afterward, the Dothraki acknowledged him as the new khal.

Nick Young – He razzled and dazzled his way to a season high 35 points, but didn’t bother to tack on any peripheral stats (0 assists, 2 steals, 3 rebounds) to make it a truly magical night. I expected more from a wizard.

John Wall – Taking note of Nick Young, the Great Wall of Washington scored 29 of his own but added 9 assists to flesh it out. He also managed two blocks for the hell of it. Yes, please and dankeschön.

Nick Batum – Batum followed the Nick Young theory of playing with 33/4/1 and 1 steal. I guess if you are so busy scoring, you can’t be bothered to, you know, share. Fine, I get that, but you’d think if you’re going to be a ball hog you could at least grab some rebounds. Teammate Gerald Wallace managed four boards and 8 assists (and 2 steals!) to go along with 25 points. Gerald has been in the league for something like 100 years, Nick, so take a lesson from a veteran.

Derek Fisher – Three’s a charm, unless your point guard gives you 3/3/3. He continues to be terrible. I’m not sure why the Lakers keep starting him (does Fisher have a photo of Mike Brown wearing a diaper and sitting in an adult sized crib?), but there’s no excuse for you to do the same…start Fisher, that is. Or wear a diaper. Don’t do either.

Josh Smith – You see a line like 15/9/3, two steals and three blocks, and you sit back and smile. For me, I want more. The problem is, Smith can do better. I’m not happy with good; I want great. Like an unreasonable parent, I want his report card to be nothing but straight As. If Smith is grounded for the summer, so be it. I will cut the cords on his XBox 360, wait and see. No buddies, no girlfriends, no car, nothing. He better apply himself, that’s all I’m saying.

Chris Kaman is back in the starting lineup and should be back in your lineu,p too . He should have been in all lineups last night, but I can’t eat anyone’s lunch for keeping him out one game to see what he’d do. What he done did was he led all scorers in his return to the starting lineup for the first time in eight games. Against the Jazz, he went 27/13/2, he had 2 stl and 1 blk. Three turnovers. Meh. You’ll live with it. This news is great for Kaman owners and bad for pretty much all Emeka Okafor owners except the ones who also own Kaman. If everyone’s healthy, Kaman’s upside is higher than Okafor’s, but he’ll only reach that ceiling as long as Okafor is out. As long as he’s out, start Kaman and enjoy Gustavo Ayon‘s minor bump. Not a big bump. Not lots. Littles. More fantasy basketball news down below.

Greivis Vasquez – Double-double. 12/4/10, with a trio of steals. It took him 38 minutes to get there, but he got there. You hoped he’d get there. That’s why you’re vulturing him.

Eric Gordon – Stories started pumping out of the Internet machine so fast last night about Eric Gordon’s health that they woke me up from a deep slumber involving Miranda Kerr and, like, five submarine sandwiches! Apparently, Err Gordon might miss anywhere from one month to two. I was in such a depressed state afterwards, when I went back to sleep, all that was left of my dream was half a hoagie and a pink fur-lined hoodie.

Martell Webster – The most underwhelming member of an underwhelming team returned to the spotlight last night and ended with 5/4 and 2 tov. But enough about Darko. /rimshot  No, but seriously, Darko would kill for that line. Webster took over at the two for Ridnour and did just about what you’d expect the most awfulest T-Wolf to do. Do yourself a favor, leave him be.

Darko Milicic – Returned, earned three fouls in four minutes from the bench. I don’t mean that literally. He was on the floor when he committed those fouls. Look, he’ll improve from this, but he’s unownable if he’s not starting.  Starting was about the only thing he had going for him. Like when a fat, balding accountant drives around in a Mercedes. Now put that same guy in a Kia and you’ll understand what is happening to Darko.

Jason Richardson – Dude’s caught fire this month, averaging 18/4/2 along with an astonishing 4 3ptm in his last seven. Well, the threes are on fire. The rest is more or less what we expected him to do before we realized his career is more or less busted and rusted.

Corey Maggette – Dropped 22 points and 3 steals in 32 minutes. This was the first game in which Maggette-O’s didn’t come with a shizz-ton of meatballs in, like, I dunno, three years or whatever. If you’ve got an open spot or you’re into streaming, I added him in one league. These Bobcats are awful. None of them are going to produce on any regular basis.

Tyrus Thomas – Played nine minutes, missed three shots, fouled three times. I have three general rules: 1) I want my president to be smarter than I am, 2) I don’t want my wife to know more about any sport than I do, and 3) I don’t want to own any fantasy basketball player that has a game I could literally have had had I taken his place. I told you not to pick this guy up, I told you to drop him after you picked him up and now I’m telling you to hang on as tightly as possible because you’ve made it clear you have no intention of listening to me.

Stephen Jackson – Played 17 minutes and ended with 7/3 and a steal. The Bucks are like the Bobcats in that both teams have, like, 10 guys that can lead the team on any given night. That makes owning any members of this team damn near unbearable. You just know there’s some poor bastard out there who owns three players from each team and you know that guy friggin’ hates his team.

Elton Brand – He’s averaged 8/8/1, with 1.4 blk in the five games leading up to last night. Then last night he went 8/6/1, with a block and a steal. He fouled four guys and only played 18 minutes, so from a per-minute perspective, it was a tight little game! That’s good, right? Good is objective, yes? How do I know that what appears blue to me appears blue to you?

Kenyon Martin – Averaging 5/5 and a block in the first three games of his season leading up to this one. Last night? 10/3 and four blocks. Tomorrow? The world.

Randy Foye – “With Chauncey Billups out, this will be the time for Foye to really up his game.” – General consensus among sportsy types (including yours truly). Foye’s answer on Monday? 3/5/3, 0-for-7 from the field. I say boo, sir.

Rodrigue Beaubois – What are we more sad about? That RoboBobo is earning DNP-CDs or that we all kinda wish Lamar Odom was the one earning them?

I almost titled this post “C Bud Run, Run Chase, Run” but thought that might make everyone go crosseyed. Also, he didn’t have a great game last night and I’ve had this loaded since Saturday, so I went with the title that suggested rockier times ahead. Last night, the hottest of all Rockets, Chase Budinger, only had 7 pts/4 rbd, 1 turnover, hair yellow enough to have played the lead Nazi in any action movie from the ’80s and 1 three.  Yet, despite the underwhelming play of … just about the entire Houston starting lineup lately, Buddy’s still coming off the bench. Why? Because he’s “an energy guy.” Energy guys come off their benches and go crazy on other teams’ second-unit guys. It’s not about minutes. If the minutes were there, his per minute stats suggest he’d lead the team in threes, place third in total points, lead in FT% and outrank all other Houston SG/SF in FG%. No, it’s about energy and matchups and the fact that Budinger’s defense is spotty and he doesn’t move the ball or rebound particularly well. Still,  Budinger has averaged 11/5/2 in his last six, nearly 2 3ptm, rarely turns the ball over and is shooting .500/1.000 in 22 mpg. Deep leaguers shoulda already grabbed him. Medium leaguers should start circling the wagons around him to see if the solid play by Houston’s starters continues and shallow leaguers should get more friends and create bigger leagues. Here’s who else did some serious basketballin’ last night.

Whoa, Nellie! Just a quick announcement. We’re looking for a few good men (or women if you’re out there) interested in writing for Razzball Hoops next season. E-mail me Razzball.Hoops [at] yahoo.com if you’re interested, or even if you’re not interested and just want to chat. That’s cool too, but far less likely to garner a response. Okay, back to the roundup.

Kevin Martin – “A slump…” 3pt swish “…ain’t no reason…” 3pt swish “…to freak out…” 3pt swish “…so for those of you who benched me…” 3pt swish “… or traded me away for Ben Gordon…” 3p swish “…suck on this!” Five threes last night, on his way to 28 points. Slump. Busted.

Klay Thompson – Dropped 14 points and 4 threes. The problem is, he doesn’t do this often, which means you shouldn’t play him often, which basically means you shouldn’t own him. Not yet, anyway.

D.J. Augustin – Not in tonight, more likely in Wednesday. Settle down, settle down. I didn’t say “Lin.” I said “in.” And Jeremy isn’t even on the Bobcats. Sheesh.

Nene Hilario – Could miss this next week because of an injured calf. And I want to make it clear that I am talking about Nene’s leg, not a young cow. Nene has people to take care of his sick livestock. Anyway, Mozgov will be the ineffectual add, who I would not suggest actually adding.

Steve Blake – Went 7/2/4 in 29 minutes on Sunday. Over the course of the last three since returning from injury, Blake has amassed 17/4/12 in 90 minutes, compared to Derek Fisher‘s 10/2/8, in 66 minutes. What’s it all mean? It means owning a Laker PG isn’t helping your team.

DeMar DeRozan – He’s shot 28-of-57 (.491) in his last four leading up to yesterday’s game. He’s also spent all January shooting .367. Clearly he had yesterday’s 2-for-13 performance coming to him. Those previous four games were nice, but you should have known he was playing with the casino’s money.

Richard Hamilton – He’s missed 19 of the team’s 30 games and stands to miss anywhere between another week or two. Bully! Bully! (note: those bullies were for everyone except Rip and fantasy owners inexplicably holding onto Rip).

Joakim Noah – Playing out of his head lately (relative to JoaNoa), averaging 31.1 mpg, .620/.905 (woot! woot!), 11.6 pt/9.9 rbd Compare that to his January averages of 28.6 mpg, .483/.702, 8.2 pts/9.7 rbd. I give it no more than three games before Noah injures himself until May.

C.J. Watson – He’s averaging 15/3/6 in five games as a starter in place of the oft-injured Derrick Rose. With the exception of maybe Andre Miller, there just isn’t a better backup PG in the NBA than C.J. Alternatively put: schoolin’ is elementary for my dear Watson.

Chris Wilcox – Well, it’s mid-season. It was only a matter of time before Wilcox came up as someone to add for a game or two. Brandon Bass is out, allowing Crox to hang in there for 23 minutes and go 10/9. He’ll get these minutes for the next week or so and you could do much worse. Sharing a bathroom with Ke$ha is an example of you doing much worse.

Trevor Booker – Nick and JaVale both had solid games, but Booker’s been the second-best Wizard on the team in the last two weeks. Last night’s 9/7/1 line doesn’t do much to back up my case until you figure in the 1 stl/2 blk/2 tov levels that were not approached by any other Wizard last night except for …

Jan Vesely – With pretty much the entire second half to play around in, Vesely finished with 10/8/2, stealing it twice, blocking it thrice and turning it over a quartet of times. It’s nice to know he’s got this in him, but this was the second-most minutes he’s played and these minutes came against Detroit’s J.V. squad. Don’t get too excited about Jan in this blowout win. … Win. I said win, not “Lin.” Relax. Not everything this week involved that dude. Gawd!

Darko Milicic – Set to return tonight. Nikola Pekovic is still a hold for fantasy owners lucky enough to have grabbed onto his  .645/.731 and 16.7/10.1 in his last seven games. Top 30 production like that shouldn’t be tossed away so that Milicic can futz around for 24 minutes a game.

Marvin Williams – Remember when Williams was averaging 13/7/2 and it looked like he might make due on at least a little of the promise from the 2005 draft? Man, those were the days. Literally. That shizz lasted a matter of days. Now? You get 6/3, 2 tovs and shame.

Willie Green – 17/3/3, with 3 3ptm. It was Green’s best game of the season, brought about because Miami was monkey-punching the Hawks by 27 after three quarters. Until he does that in a closer game, or it becomes clear Atlanta will never lose another game by less than 20 points, sit on your hands. Adding him now would be a sin. … *sigh* Yup. That’s right. I just mentioned the PG from the New York Knicks: Jeremy Sin. Can we move on now? All week with this! You know what, I’m done. I’ll see you tomorrow.

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Week 7 finds a few grazing gazelles dying from hunger near the bottom of the league. What? That odd and perhaps inaccurate metaphor doesn’t make sense to you? Mon Dieu! Basically, we’re starting to see the bottom of the league level out a bit as they slip farther and farther out of contention. In another couple of weeks, the gray lines signifying no movement will appear more like flatlines on a heart meter. Now that I’ve used a weak metaphor and weak simile in the same paragraph, let’s look at who’s doing what and when and to whom in this week’s RCL recap.

I noticed an intriguing pattern among the category leaders: seven different teams lead the league in at least one stat category. Of those seven teams, five fall somewhere in the bottom 10 in at least one other category, suggesting that in order to succeed in one, they forfeited the other.

SmokenTrees StrokenThrees leads in FG%, but has the sixth worst SPG average in the league.
Hired Goons leads all-comers in both FT% and SPG, but ranks third worst in BLK and fifth worst in 3PTM.
Our PTS leader, Teach Me How To Gortat, has the no. 50-ranked 3PTM in the league.
Significant Otter is the league’s best rebounder but shoots the eighth fewest threes.
Bleu Waffle House leads in assists but ranks 51st and 54th in FG% and FT% respectively.

Only Shock the Monkey (BPG) and The Basset Hounds (3PTM) lead the league and managed to stay out of the bottom 10 elsewhere.

What’s even more interesting (and lends itself a little to my theory that it’s better to be balanced everywhere than stacked in a few places) is that our league’s overall leader One Piece doesn’t the lead the league in a single category, but he’s top 8 in six different categories and no worse than 33rd in his weakest category.

Anyway, find your own damn patterns if you’re into it. The spreadsheet is here … wait. No. I moved it. It used to be there, then I moved it here. And now it’s here. I think?

Yup. Yup, it’s here.