It’s the playoffs, people. That time of the year where all your hard work could either pay off or come crashing down all over your face with the weight of a thousand Shaquille O’Neals. That time of year where your forsake family, friends and all other personal relationships, slaving over your lineup each and every day just for the satisfaction of winning the moderate $80 league you have going with your buddies from college. You don’t even like any of them anymore. You just want to win. Because winning is everything. And Byron Mullens can make your dream of claiming victory in each and every one of your ESPN public standard leagues a reality. 16 points per game in his last three starts? Check. 10 rebounds? Double check. 1.3 blocks? Discount double-check. The Bobcats, fearing talent, statistical production and any chance of winning, might just banish him to the bench so we can see more of the Tyrus Thomas and Eduardo Najera show. But you’ll want to own Mullens just in case he keeps playing like he is.
Eric Gordon – In case you didn’t listen to me the first time, Gordon is back. And he posted a 15/4/4 line with two threes in his first game. You want that on your pretend team.
Donald Sloan – How hot was she in Entourage?!? Wait, Donald Sloan? Oh, never mind then. Kyrie Irving hurt his shoulder trying to carry the Cavaliers all by himself for an entire season, so the D-League call-up is now the point guard in the Cleveland. Which — when you think about it — is exactly as sad as it sounds. But Sloan is averaging 12/4/6 in two starts in the past week. And the Cavaliers play five times next week. Do with that what you will.
J.J. Barea – Final Destination 42: The Wrath of the Timberwolf is currently filming in Minnesota. And instead of hiring a cast of talentless college-dropout hacks as actors, Part 42 of this cinema dynasty is finally getting real. The producers murdered Ricky Rubio’s ACL in cold blood. Then they beat Luke Ridnour’s ankle to a pulp with a lead pipe. J.J. Barea is next. Sure, he posted 15 points, eight assists, six rebounds and three 3-pointers in his first start. But Final Destination never misses its marks.
Chandler Parsons – Averaging 12.9 points, seven rebounds, 2.9 assists and 1.5 threes in his past eight games. And he’s doing it while being tall, lanky and white. Dirk Nowitzki, you really are an inspiration to awkwardly shaped Caucasians everywhere.
Spencer Hawes – Doug Collins said Spencer Hawes is no longer playing with a minutes restriction. He said it while removing the kid gloves that he had been treating Hawes with. My friend didn’t know what “kid gloves” were. One person told him it was an expression. I told them they were actually gloves made out of children. He was understandably alarmed.
Marcus Camby – Marcuel Dalembamby is a first-round fantasy talent. He’s got the focus of a savvy veteran. He’s got the length and athleticism of a player years younger. He would average 12 points, 14 rebounds and six blocks a game. But Marcuel Dalembamby doesn’t exist. Instead, we have the ancient Marcus Camby and the remarkably unfocused Samuel Dalembert. But Camby has averaged 12 boards a game with moderate scoring in three straight starts while Sammy D rots on the bench. So….yeah.
Jason Kidd – Jason Kidd is reportedly out for at least a few more games. The Mavericks are saying he strained his right groin. I’m saying that his right groin simply disintegrated in to dust in his old age. Gregg Williams is saying that he paid Jonathan Vilma $10,000 to sneak into the Dallas locker room and strain Kidd’s groin with his bare hands. Whatever the case is, J-Kidd’s days of helping your fantasy team might be done.
Ben Gordon – Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us. Fool us for the bajillionth time this season and we’ll donkey-punch you right in the crotch. Yea, you heard me, Ben Gordon. Go ahead, score 75 points in three games, sit out the next four then come back and score 15.5 in your next two. We’ll all add you. We’ll all love you. And you’ll reward us with seven straight games of single-digit scoring. Not again, sir. Not again.
Thaddeus Young – He’s scored less than 10 points eight of his past 11 games. He only has one double-digit rebounding effort this season. He wants to raise the taxes on single people with a taxable income of over $32,000 by pushing up their tax bracket by 3 percent. He plays only three times next week. And he’s owned in 75 percent of Yahoo leagues. If you own him, ask yourself, what are you doing with your life?
JaVale McGee – The “stupid shit JaVale McGee has done” list is a long one. Some say he lacks focus. Others say he’s just an immature player. I say he’s pissed off because he drafted himself in a fantasy basketball league and his on-court mediocrity makes him wants to vomit, eat said vomit, then vomit again. He’s averaged 9.8 points, 6.6 boards and 1.6 blocks since being traded to Denver, and he’s failed to notch more than eight rebounds in a game since March 25. It’s bad enough to want to drop him, good enough that you’re too scared to drop him.