Greetings Razzball nation! It is I, Tehol Beddict, your indebted servant, scrutinizing player performances yet again to help you win your fantasy league. Let’s just say that Chris Bosh has had a trying last few days. The guy already gets blasted mercilessly for his resemblance to prehistoric creatures, flaccid rebounding numbers and his many peculiar moments on camera, some which of are on this video. Now, famous rapper Lil Weezy has called him out, saying that he played “hide the salami” with his wife. This combined with Bosh getting utterly embarrassed during the all-star game and more recent news of his wife being as ratchet as it gets earlier in her life may have put him in a funk for the remainder of the season. I mean, how could any man get over the vision of that little Alien pounding out their wife over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again? I just don’t know if this fragile minded man can take much more punishment. If his first performance after the All-Star Break is any indicator of things to come (6 points and 6 boards) Bosh’s fantasy owners could be in major trouble going forward. I mean honestly, how many rappers has Bosh’s wife’s cakes been beaten by? 10? 20? 100? Does he have a prenup? These humiliating experiences could cost the Heat the title, I kid you not. Even more importantly, it could cost his owners fantasy glory. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Here’s a glimpse of what else went on in the world of the NBA last night. Hold on a second! I can’t get over the fact that Bosh now has to deal with the truth that Tunechi (wayne to the lapers) went one in the pink and two in the stink on his wife!!! I honestly feel for the guy. Ok sorry. Let’s move forward and never mention this again.
Al Horford- 27 points, 9 boards, 2 assists. I can be your body guard and Betty you can call him Al. Well of course you may. That’s his name for God’s sake. Great song though. Do people still name their kids “Betty”? Never having met a Betty younger than 87 I would assume not. After the Hawks trade Josh Smith today, the offense will fully be ran through Alf. His numbers have never been on par with the talent he possesses, but now there should be no containing this man-beast as I fully expect an eruption of Mt. Saint Helens proportions.
Zach Randolph- 17 points, 18 rebounds and 3 assists. It’s hard to drop 17 points when going 4/17 from the floor, but my man Zachariah did just that along with the Rodman-like rebounding. Randolph should be picking up more of the scoring load with Gay’s removal from the squad. I foresee a beautiful second half of the season for this chubby wonder. However, I don’t foresee myself ever getting enough money to get out of this shack……Please send money. I beg of you, please.
Andrea Bargnani/Terrence Ross- Combined for 2 points and 3 rebounds in 36 minutes of play. If there is anything in this universe that makes Tehol Beddict quiver, other than my head lice of course, it would be the uninspiring play of this Italian who was once taken with the number 1 overall selection in the draft. A goose egg? Do the world a favor and trade this long range gunner so he will start trying again. I don’t see how Ross fits in to the Raptors plans any longer after trading for Rudy Gay and signing DeRozan long term. I love his upside but maybe time to cut bait in fantasy.
Will Bynum- 8 points, 7 dimes and 3 boards. Brandon Knight went down and it didn’t look good. Bynum, who I’ve been fascinated with since his days at University of Arizona, is extremely talented and could see an uptake in minutes. Of course these aforementioned minutes could also be given to Stuckey, but either way, you will need a replacement if Knight is down for any length of time.
Michael Kidd-Gilchrist- 11 points, 6 boards, 3 assists and 3 blocks. Not the most riveting of numbers but I believe it to be a good sign of things to come in the second half for MKG. He simply hasn’t been impressive thus far this season but hey neither was Dane Cook until……Wait Dane Cook always blew whale rod. For our sake, hopefully Gilchrist doesn’t go out like DC.
J.R. Smith- 5 points. This tattooed lady slayer had the audacity to openly complain about his absence from the eastern conference all-star team and I for one, was appalled. It’s true that I’ve always been a fan of Smith and think he’s grossly underpaid, but the numbers, simply put, aren’t all-star worthy. However, I do enjoy reading about all the high class hoodrats he smashes on the regular. You can live and die with Smith in fantasy, just like the Knicks will.
Paul George- 27 points, 8 boards, 3 dimes and 2 blocks. To say that George has not become a fantasy monster is to say that Charlie Sheen is not a complete blow fiend. Kudos to you if you drafted him as he looks to become a 1st or 2nd rounder next season.
Anthony Davis- 12 points, 4 rebounds and 2 blocks. It’s high time this pop tart started playing like the gifted wizard he is. Not converting a field goal until late in the 4th quarter against Cleveland is simply unacceptable. This young man has been gifted the body of a giraffe mixed with a gazelle on steroids and should be putting up far superior numbers than he has thus far. Maybe we have to wait until next season. Woe is us.
Kyrie Irving- 35 points, 7 dimes, 5 boards and 2 steals. I would just like to point out that this kid is a fantasy God who shall be wreaking havoc in the league for the next 15 years. We, his worshippers, should get down on our knees and give our thanks on a nightly basis for what it is he brings to our rosters. Gods like sacrifices, so might I add that it could be a good idea to kill something and offer it up to Kyrie. No, not a human being you sick bastard. I was thinking more like a cricket or better yet a centipede. My what ghastly creatures centipedes are. Kill them. Kill them all I say!
Gerald Wallace- 7 points and 6 boards. I’ll never get over the fact Brooklyn traded for the man formerly known as “crash” at the tail end of his career, giving up a pick that turned out to be Damian Lillard. Makes me sicker than swallowing a full cup of chew spit (typing that just made me throw up in my mouth). It’s unfortunate Wallace has followed a similar career path to Ellen Degeneres: Once quirky and somewhat enjoyable to watch, now I’d rather shart in my pants on a crowded monorail than view either of them. I’m not saying I wouldn’t bone but still, enough is enough. I was writing about boning Ellen of course, not Wallace. Or was I? Of course I was!
Larry Sanders- 12 points, 13 boards, 3 dimes and 5 blocks. Sanders is up to his old tricks again, continuing his unforeseen dominance in the swat department and adding excellent point and rebound production to it as well. What a find! Keep riding “Scary Larry” like the great Tonto did “White Feller”. What a name huh? Sounds like a good name for coke. “Hey throw some of that white feller on the glass bro.” “Spell my name in that white feller dude. I want to push the limits today.” Seems like I’m getting off track. Sanders is good.
Thabo Sefolosha- 28 points, 5 boards, 3 assists and 2 blocks. The Swissman played like a caged cheetah who had deer antler spray applied to the back of it’s throat every day for a year, released into the wild to slaughter anything that moves. That makes me wonder if Cheetah’s and other cat predators eat or chew on the antlers of their prey. Is that part of the reason they are so dominant? I just acquired some from Razzball follower Jose Canseco and will let you know the results. Back to Sefolosha: He will never, and I mean never, do this again. Don’t get cute.
Thomas Robinson- T-Rob didn’t play last night, oh no. He was however, traded to the Houston Rockets and should immediately slide into that starting power forward spot. I love this move for Houston a great deal and expect to see Robinson show why he was such a high pick. Mind blowing trade for the Kings. I’m waiting on the full explanation. Did he impregnate Adrienne Maloof or something? I wouldn’t blame him. In having millions of dollars of plastic surgery, the Maloof sister has become attractive in a sick way and gets my “boner of the month” award. This is only given out to women involved with ownership of professional sports teams. Sorry Jeanie Buss, you’re never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Shout out to ‘En Vouge. ‘ Grab Robinson.
Nikola Pekovic- 27 points, 18 points and 2 blocks. And you thought they called him “Big Pek” for the size of his manhood. You’re wrong there my friends. I’ve been in that locker room as I begged my former girlfriend to not go home with Luke Ridnour for a drill sesh, and the man was hung like a squirrel. But those types of things aren’t important if you got game, and “Pek” certainly has that. A very nice fantasy surprise this season.
Vince Carter- 14 points and 8 assists. Half man/half man that more than likely took old one eye to the optometrist. The optometrist being Chris Bosh’s wife of course. Carter has enjoyed a resurgence as of late and I for one am on the bandwagon. Ride him like “White Feller.”
Courtney Lee- 20 points, 4 boards and 2 assists. Lee is like that woman (or man) you think you’re interested in until they give it up. Once they do, you become disgusted with yourself, make up an excuse on why you have to leave, then never answer their texts or calls again. Many a team has acquired Lee’s services only to kick him to the curb the first chance they get. Lee has been passed around like the village slut as it seems he will one day have played for every franchise in the NBA. Without Rondo, he could be useful, but still a 30-percent chance he get’s traded today.
Dwight Howard- 24 points and 12 boards. Daaaaaawight is back people. His owners are rejoicing in the streets as if Pamela Anderson just offered to let them go balls deep after acting out their favorite Baywatch scene. I don’t own Howard in any leagues but I am rejoicing the fact that Weezy didn’t bump uglies with my boo. I guess for that to be true I’d have to actually have a girlfriend. All I have in this world is my chicken and hey that’s good enough for me…..Who am I trying to kid? FML.
Jarrett Jack- 21 points and 4 assists. With the ever fragile Curry starting, you never know when Jack will be thrust into the starting lineup like lil Wayne’s wang into Bosh’s wife. Even when Curry is playing Jack puts up numbers and isn’t a terrible option at guard.
The Morris Twins- Reunited and it feels so good. I’ve always wanted to say that. Now I have.
Wow, went over 2000 words on this one. The new editor is going to have a splendid time with this one I’m sure [he did – thanks a lot Tehol!]. Maybe he can insert a couple more comments about Bosh’s wife. As always you can expect swift replies to all of your comments and questions and I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for reading I wish you all an extraordinary weekend.