Wait! Before you name your fantasy basketball team the “Lob City Clippers*,” just know that I’ve already seen three fantasy owners name their team this and it’s only been 48 hours since Blake Griffin said it! Fantasy team names are like pet’s names: To hell with respectable, the goal is to hit on something funny. Naming your team something like “The Fantasy All-Stars” defies the best part of playing fantasy sports. Where else can you utilize glib irony by making fun of insignificant portions of the game? I mean, besides on Twitter? And 100 percent of basketball blogs? And Facebook, yeah. Nowhere. Unless, of course, you’re the type of person that treats your pets, kids and fantasy basketball teams equally. If that’s the case than you should know that your team name sucks and people are chuckling at your first born daughter, Hibachi.
[* “Rock Out with Your Lockout” is also dangerously close to maximum capacity.]
It’s not too late to right the ship. Even if you’ve already drafted your team, you’ve still got time before the mortar of its name sets. Here, now, are 50 Names for Your Fantasy Basketball Team:
T E A M S N A M E D A F T E R C U R R E N T P L A Y E R S
Bedtime For Mensa-Bonsu – … Thus marking the end of your Ronald Reagan references for today.
Boom Boom Pau – I’m so 3008. He’s so 2,000 and great.
Courtside View of Shaqnuts – I sat next to Nicholson about 11 years ago and caught the Shaqnut view. It has since replaced the clown in my nightmares.
DeJuan Blair, Natalie, Jo & Tootie – You take the good, you take the bad, you take 36 rookies before Dejuan Blair and there you have …
Graceful Like A Gasol – Their scraggly beards act like wind foils. That’s sleek, homey.
Joanie Loves Hibachi – Does Hibachi love her back? Joanie should be so lucky.
Kobe’s Therapist – … yeah, but Bynum’s pen is mightier. How’s THAT for an eight-year-old reference!?!
Mercury, Saturn, Arenas – … Whether he’s from another world or because he’s an ass. You decide.
MVSteve – If not in the league, then in our hearts.
Okurtober Fest – Like every good Fest, drink every time Mehmet’s man beats him down court.
Osh Bosh B’Gosh
Redd Rovers – Red Rover, like Michael Redd, almost always ends in some sort of injury. Good luck with that, New York.
Sefolosha-palooza – Yeah. Santogold shows up to Sefolosha-palooza and ruins everything there too.
Shake ‘n’ Blake – When did they start calling Chris Paul “Shake?” Just now.
Shot of Jamison – … Which goes down way smoother than a Shot of Jack [Sikma].
Speights Is Enough – … But probably not until the 17th round.
Standing Tall And Tainted
Tharhythm & Thabeet
There Is No Dana, Only Rasual – What a lovely singing voice Rasual must have.
The Third Lopez – Call me when they find a third Gasol.
The Tuff Juicers – The best juice since Ecto Cooler.
World B. Yi – Because there’s someone out there that loves both World B. Free and Yi Jianlian and I want to please that guy.
T E A M S N A M E D A F T E R O L D P L A Y E R S
Driving In Cars w/ Barkley – Not recommended
Hoiberg’s Un-Retirement – I’m not giving up hope until he’s dead. Don’t take that away from me.
Shammgod Supernova – Because having an awesome name sometimes outweighs a 20-game career averaging 3.1 PPG and .328 FG%.
Shammgod Millionaire – Honestly, if you let me, I could name a whole fantasy basketball league stupid Shammgod-related names.
Shot On Ehlo … GOOD! – Never forget.
Starks Still Sucks – It’s true you know. He still sucks.
Stuck In Divac’s Beard – This should be reserved for last place-bound teams only. Or teams rostering Bibby or Turkoglu. (Same dif’)
Tilt-a-Wilt – Before there was Haq-a-Shaq …
Wherefore Art Thou, Rumeal?
Wilt’s Deep Penetration – [nudging you with elbow] Get it? Eh? See what I did there?
T E A M S N A M E D A F T E R T E A M S
Cavs in 4 – See? it’s funny because no one would pick the Cavs to win anything in four games. Ever.
Hoser Grizzlies – More lost: Zach Randolph in Canada or a grizzly bear in Tennessee?
Kibbles & Knicks – If only Kerry Kittles had played for New York, I totally would have called my team “Kittles ‘N’ Knicks.”
Knicks ‘n’ Giggles – I’ll take “what Spike Lee will have none of this season” for $400, Alex.
Philadunkonya – But you can only say this name while wearing a big, floppy, rainbow hat.
T E A M S N A M E D A F T E R B A S K E T B A L L G O I N G S – O N
Boomshakalaka – In honor of the thousands of times I yelled this sitting in front of my TV during the ’90s.
Boston Frogs, Chicago Ox, L.A. Breakers, New York Eagles – The only four teams available in the original Double Dribble game for Nintendo. I can’t imagine Texans wanted anything to do with this mess.
DNP: Coaches Decision – A solid option if you have more than two Trailblazers on your team.
The Dunkaroos – Mom gave me Little Debbie. The grass is always greener.
I Can’t See the Laker Girls!
King ‘N’ Duck – K & D looked like they were 45 years old. How were they still kings of the L.A. courts?
The Van Gundy Resemblance – If you have it, you’ve got bigger problems than what place your fantasy team finishes.