Fantasy Basketball Advice

Never mind that the news of Andray Blatche being out for about a month brought me more joy than sadness (schadenfreude, snitches!). Also, forget that never has a surname expressed so completely my negative feelings toward a person. Skip all that noise, jack. We’re looking at the fix for what ails Blatche owners (besides hard liquor that drinkers can’t see through). Salvation, thy name is Trevor Booker. I really want to tell you that we’re in for 3-5 weeks of Jan Vesely kicking bootay, but he’s just too green. Last night, despite starting, J.V. (appropriately initialed!) had as many fouls as rebounds (3). Meanwhile, Trevor booked 14/9/2, with 3 stl and 2 blk on 7-for-9 (.777) shooting. He may average that many shots from night-to-night in the next few weeks, but he’ll probably make somewhere around four or five of them. That’s the bad news. The good news is the steals and blocks are legit. He’ll be a nice little pickup for anyone who picks ‘im up. Keep this party rolling with more fantasy basketball junk below.

Richard Hamilton – Re-injured his groin after bumping up against Miami on Sunday. Rip clearly did not understand his doctor’s orders when they told him to apply some heat to the injured area. Speaking of pains in the groin, Ronnie Brewer, despite going 2-for-10 last night, still demands your utmost attention.

Kyle Korver – 17/5/3, with 5 3ptm in place of the Hamilton’s injured groin. Or maybe it was Deng’s injured wrist. No, I think it was Hamilton’s groin. Either way, Brewer is your best Bulls’ vulture, then Korver. Either way²: A Bullvulture is the coolest of all creatures. #SuckItLiger

Jason Richardson – Richardson’s knee is still a little too weak to handle a back-to-back, so he sat out last night. “Hooray!” – anyone who owns Richardson’s .414./571/10 pts/3 rbd/2 ast – season disaster. J.J. Redick got the start in Richardson’s place and ended with a modest 10/5/2, which, frankly, is probably better than Richardson woulda had did.

Ryan Anderson – Why hello there, Ryan Anderson. You appear to have gone cold from the arc. There’s no excuse for that. Now, you’ll excuse me as I take a big swig of chocolate milk while you explain why I should be cool with you missing so many damn threes. / Ryan Anderson tells Adam that he grabbed a career-high 20 rebounds, Adam spits chocolate milk all over Ryan Anderson, Adam runs away from Ryan Anderson. 

Hedo Turkoglu – Shot just 1-for-9 last night and 11-for-39 in his last five. Turk go ewww.

Tony Battie – 9/8 in 17 rip-roarin’ minutes. Please don’t make me get into why you should ignore this performance. (Hint: 8/15 combined in his last five.)

Stephen Jackson – Rumored to be trade bait for New Jersey to get Dwight Howard. I’m assuming this is a rumor because never have I heard a player say, “I’d be happy to play for a terrible team, if only a selfish ball vacuum with a penchant for fouling and taking himself out of games could somehow accompany me.” Anyway, Jax is an obvious bench/drop/trade depending on your league’s depth/stupidity.

Mike Dunleavy – Dropped 20 points on 8-for-10 shooting. He’s dropped at least 17 in three of his last four. Re-read the blurb above this one if you need a reminder as to why Mike D could spend a little time being a beasting boy.

Greivis Vasquez – Who do I call about creating a hybrid of Vasquez and Gustavo Ayon? The hybrid would have had 19/5/4, with 2 stl and a block last night and we would call it Greivo Vayon. And I would love him.

Chris Bosh – 12/3/0. It was a “Wade Night.” Lord help the NBA if Wade and Bosh ever figure out how to be “on” in the same game.

Michael Beasley – After double-doubling Sunday, Beasley went unconscious for 34 points last night. He sank all 12 of his free throws and missed only four of his 14 shots. If he was dropped, your next move should … ahem … B.Easy. Also, Wes Johnson ended with 4/3 and 6 tov. So that’s where that’s at.

Luis Scola – 8/1/3, in 20 minutes. The oddest thing about Scola’s weak season is that the  Rocket starting power forward is being coached by one of the game’s all-time best power forwards. This goes a long way in proving something I’ve suspected for years: Kevin McHale will not have his legacy tarnished! Look at the damage he tried to inflict on Kevin Love in his first two seasons?

Gary Neal – 0/3/1. So to heck with Sunday’s breakthrough.

O.J. Mayo – Took over for a cold Rudy Gay and ended with 17/3/2 in 17 minutes. It was his fourth game of the season with 17+ points. He had five such games after his 20th contest last season. Jrue story.

Derrick Favors – Eight points on .400 shooting. Not turrible, but not adurrable either, especially on the heels of the expectation that follows a youngster getting starter’s minutes. 8/6/1, with a steal won’t be his best game while Al Jefferson is out, but it won’t be his worst, either.

Paul Millsap – 19/15, with 2 blk … Meanwhile, on the other side of the block … Expect more of this while Jefferson is out.

Wes Matthews – Shot 3-for-12 (0-for-5 from the arc) and ended with six points. This is the danger of rostering a guy who offers nothing other than his shot. Because if his shot is off, he just offers nothing.

Nicolas Batum – Played strong (15/3/2, with a steal, block and four threes) until he compacted his leg into his knee and went down like … like … well, like Greg Oden. I’m not saying. I’m just saying. If somehow Jamal Crawford or Gerald Wallace are still available … then you probably don’t need my help because you’re in a league with you sister and your 5-year-old cousin.

Delonte West – Misirlou dropped five threes on his way to 25/3/6. That might be curtains for Roddy Beaubois.

Dirk Nowitzki – I know he’s getting older, but dude went 10/4/4 last night and looks like he’s aging in dog years. Thank Christ he didn’t win a championship in his third season. He would have crumbled in his early 20′s. I refuse to believe this is how Dirk’s season will go. Buy low.

Steve Nash – Speaking of Dirk’s early years … Steve Nash sat out of this one with a contused thigh, which is better than an oozed thigh, which is extremely less palatable to talk about. Ronnie Price started, but he only played half the game and ended with 2/1/5. Sebastian Telfair played two fewer minutes and ended with 13/1/6. He’s the grab. But Nash isn’t likely to miss more than one other game.

Blake Griffin – Played sparingly last night. Might be injured. Might have been forgotten. One never knows with Vinny Del Negro.

Dirk Nowitzki earned his second double-double of the season. So that’s nice. It was his first game back in more than a week. So that’s nice, too. What’s a little less nice is was how belabored the victory was in just about every way for both Dallas and Dirk. It came down to a last-second shot in overtime by San Antonio’s eighth man for Dallas to pull out the victory and Nowitzki was sucking down water in between free throws by the end. No matter how bad his conditioning was before, one has to figure it’s a little better this morning. All-in-all, the Mavericks are finding all sorts of fun ways to piece together wins. Jason Kidd missed last night, giving Rodrigue Beaubois another start despite Del-Tone West returning from a couple games off. RoboBobo has been absolutely nails for the Mavs. How nails? Pretty darn nails.  Also, am I using “nails” correctly here? Doesn’t matter, I’m moving on as is. He’s averaging 1.3 3ptm/15.7 pts/4 rbd/6.3 ast, and here’s the kicker, 3.3 blk in each of his last three games. This is Beaubois we’ve been waiting for since the summer of 2010. Word on the street is that Kidd will miss a week or more, that Dirk’s not suddenly conditioned to perfection and that West is healthy enough to take over at the point. On a team with a ton of good and bad x-factors, Rowdy Roddy’s piping hot and worth a pickup in all leagues. Okay. More words about fantasy basketball for your eyes starting in about 1.5 centimeters.

Gary Neal -19/4/7, with a triplet of treys. This was an awesome way to end your week if you took a chance on … really anyone on San Antonio’s bench yesterday, but it won’t happen a lot. If nothing else, you can hope that Popp saw something in Neal that compels him to toss Neal in the starting five instead of Leonard.

Danny Green – “Sumbitch. I finally get to the starting five and Popp starts burnin’ the bench.” – Kawhi Leonard

Richard Hamilton – Returned. 11/2/1, with a steal in the first half. 11/5/2, with 3 stl by game’s end. Yawn.

C.J. Watson – Sat out with a wrist injury. S’okay. He was only averaging 7/1/2 in his last three since Rose returned to the lineup. Put him back on the shelf next to your 10-season-set of “Friends” and your Jurassic 5 vinyls.

Dwyane Wade – Shot 1-for-9 in the first half, then tripled his production in the second! (… by shooting 3-for-7.) Wade was off, yesterday was more of a “Bosh” day.

Eddy Curry – DNP-CD against the Knicks on Friday. Two fouls in two minutes yesterday against Chicago. Way to exact revenge on your exes, Ed.

Jeff Teague – 24/1/4 against the Hornets. Also known as the “Rip Hamilton Classic.”

Chris Kaman – The organization has decided to ground Cave Man until they can find a team interested in his services. You should do the same, or drop him outright if you’re impatient.

Roy Hibbert – 7/6 in 22 minutes shortened by foul trouble. The Hack-a-Howard turned into Harm-a-Hibbert.

George Hill – 16/6/4, despite a quiet second half. Actually, considering this was Hill’s best game of the season, maybe his second half was normal and his first half was just very loud.

Ryan Anderson – Returned after a 1-game furlough to drop 11 points (3 3ptm), all in the first half. Apparently, Hill and Anderson were too busy playing Words with Friends with each other on the bench to involve themselves much in the game after Q2.

Jameer Nelson – Concussed Friday and will miss at least two games because of it, meaning you also can cuss if you want to. Especially, when you consider that Chris Duhon (14/3/5 last night) is the vulture pick.

Jerryd Bayless – Before you continue reading, go pick up Bayless. I’ll explain why when you get back. For now, just go do it. … … Back? Firstly, Dwane Casey has decided to jimmy (technical term) with his lineup, which has resulted in Bayless playing the two, DeRozan playing the three and Aaron Gray not playing at all. Secondly, the Raptors have said they’d be willing to part ways with Jose Calderon, possibly putting Bayless in the starting position at the point. And thirdly, dude went 17/3/6, with a steal last night and you’re not too good to ignore free agent lines like that.

Kris Humphries – Hump’s had five double-doubles in his last nine games. Yesterday was not one of those double-doubles. Yesterday was a sloppy ol’ pail of 3/8 and 5 tovs. Also, it just dawned on me that for almost three months Kim Kardashian’s husband and mother shared the same first name, spelled the same way. That’s almost as weird as my wife and father both being named Frank. Jrue story!

Marshon Brooks – Started this game on the bench, and did very little in 22 minutes. Anthony Morrow started in his place and scored 14 points in 27 minutes. I’m beginning to think these Nets aren’t destined to do great things. No one tell Sundiata Gaines. I hear he’s a crier. Anyway, I expect Brooks to find his way back into the starting lineup later this week.

Anderson Varejao – Varejao scored a season-high 18 points, whilst also grabbing nine boards. So, we’re really at a place right now where I’m going to suggest you automatically start any fantasy big on your team if they’re playing Boston. It’s an uncomfortable place.

Alonzo Gee – Geezits dropped 14/6, with 4 steals against the Celtics last night in 29 reserve minutes. In his last six, he’s averaging .484/.722/7.6 pts/6.2 rbd/1.8 stl. Not stunning, but neither is Anthony Parker. Nor are the Cleveland Cavaliers, for that matter.

Nikola Pekovic – Had at least 13/7 in each of his last three. He’s taken Darko’s spot at starting center in Minny’s last two and is worth a stream if you need a big for a short spell.

Your remaining moments are fleeting to get in on the Friday night $100 prize contest held by Razzball sponsor Daily Joust. It’s free to enter. Free to poke around. Free to build a one-night only fantasy team with a chance at a payout big enough to buy you all the steak you can eat (assuming you can’t eat more than $100 worth of steak). It’s free to press the enter button and free to wait for only good things to happen to you.

Hit it up. What are your alternatives? Seeing “A Joyful Noise” for the third time? C’mon!

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Week 5 is as dead and buried as the Bobcats’ playoff chances and in the RCLs, we’re seeing some more leveling offt and a few teams falling off. One Piece remains about as untouched as the hors d’ouevre plate we all saw the hostess sneeze on and Marty McSuperfly had a McStupefying drop. Bleu Waffle House / Onions, Baby! Onions have each played 162 games in the first five weeks (32.4 games per week) leaving me to wonder if there’s anyone still driving those cars or if Jesus has, in fact, taken over their wheel. On the flip side (or Flipcide, if you were in the Wizards’ front office this week!) Team joniuscaesar has played 218 games in the first five weeks (43.6 games per week) and should finish out his fantasy season sometime around mid-February.

In the interest of pitting entire divisions against one another, Wall’s Dougie League and Big Ball Dance League both have five members in the league-wide top 20. Chili Shimmy only has two, suggesting that perhaps that league is the most well-rounded and competitive. Below are the league leaders, only one of whom leads in both total and per game average (Significant Otter, despite having played the 12th fewest games in the entire league has grabbed more rebounds than all other teams and is averaging 1.1 boards more a game than the no. 2 guy. I don’t remember ever seeing a guy slaughter a category the way he is slaughtering rebounds).

California Defenders, Dream Shake League – .4787 FG%
One Piece, Big Ball Dance League – .8224 FT%
Andray the Giant, All-Star Dance-Off ’08 League – 210 3ptm (1.050, 2nd overall)
Smokey Mcpots, Dream Shake League – 3,158 pts (14.896, 8th overall)
Significant Otter, Chilly Shimmy League – 1,327 rbd (7.540, 1st overall)
Fear the ‘Stache, Wall’s Dougie League – 739 ast (3.502, 9th overall)
Fear the ‘Stache, Wall’s Dougie League – 268 stl (1.270, 3rd overall)
SmokinTrees, StrokinThrees – 163 blk (0.803, 5th overall)

Week 5 spreadsheet here.

There was wide speculation yesterday afternoon that Baron Davis would make his season debut against the team that released him five weeks ago after he told them he wouldn’t be healthy for at least eight. Whoops. Davis didn’t show his mug last night, but all signs point to this weekend. If you haven’t added him yet, what are you waiting for? The Knicks have had the easiest schedule up until this point and they have a losing record. So of course, New York’s answer is to add one of the most troublesome players in the league. If he’s not hurt, he’s fat. If he’s not fat, he has a terrible shot selection. If his shot selection is under control, well, Lord help y’all ’cause that means he won’t be passing much. Barone “Sanitation” Davis (for you Sopranos fans) is far from a sure thing, okay? Keep that in mind. But sure thing or not, the Knicks need a facilitator. Not someone who will take an unending series of bad jumpers (Iman Shumpert) or a guy just as likely to hand the ball to the other team than his own (Toney Douglas). So, yeah, Davis is a must-add, much the same way Greg Oden would be a must-add if he was scheduled to start for Portland. Being a must-add doesn’t guarantee anything except that the upside is high and the price is low. Even in his four worst statistical seasons, Boom-Dizzle averaged 13 pts/7 ast/1.8 stl and 1.2 3ptm. This is more or less what I’m expecting for as long as he can stay healthy. Eventually (if not immediately) New York will move Davis into the starting lineup. Fields will likely stay at the two, moving Shumpert to be the first guard off the bench and Douglas to spend most of his time on the bench playing “Is She From Jersey Or NYC?” Here’s what else I saw in a jam-packed night of fantasy basketball.

Amar’e Stoudemire – Double-doubled for the third time in four games while surpassing or matching season-highs in both rebounds (14) and turnovers (6). Grab a Powerade and maybe take a breather on the desperation trade offers you’ve been sending since December trying to rid yourself of the guy.

Antawn Jamison – Dropped a hot 13 points at the half and ended the game having scored a significantly less hot 15 points. Significantly less hot like buying a Starters jacket in 1988 when it was okay to do that and walking around with it today like it is still okay to do that. Your 15 points are pretty old, ‘Tawn!

Al Jefferson – The injury gods thought it’d be funny to swap Jefferson for a healthy Josh Howard. Thus proving that the Gods are about as fond of the Salt Lake City area as most Democrats.

Derrick Favors – Took the open starting lineup spot left by Jefferson and ended with 16/12 and a block. It was his third double-double of the season, but most of his other games have been utter cowpies. As long as Jefferson is a center on this team, Favors will always be the second-prettiest girl in the clique. The second-prettiest girl is always just as pretty as the prettiest girl, except for one flaw, like a flat butt or a wonky eye. Favors has a wonky eye compared to Jefferson. *Note: Derrick Favors does not have an actual wonky eye. However, I DO believe he had a flat butt as a teenager.

Tyrus Thomas – Started. Ended with 13/9, with 4 steals and 9 blocks. Nine blocks!?! Oh! Em! Gee! EVERYONE BETTER RUSH TO PICK HIM UP OR TRADE THEIR SECOND-BEST PLAYER FOR HIM BECAUSE THIS IS THE START OF A CAREER YEAR. Settle down, Mr. Capital Letters. This was against the Washington Wizards and Charlotte was running without Mullens for much of the game, Augustin, and Henderson. Also, this was against the Washington Wizards. I may have already mentioned that.

Matt Carroll – All season-high everything as Carroll ended with 17/3/1 on 7-for-10 shooting in 35 of Gerald Henderson‘s minutes. Henderson pulled himself out of the lineup complaining of a bruised tailbone. Even if Henderson misses another game or two, Carroll shot .700. I’d bet Thomas gets 9 blocks in the next 10 games before I bet Carroll does that again this season.

Byron Mullens – Left with a hand injury, but came back to be just as ineffective as he was prior to the injury. Time to grab your Diaws, kids, as Mullens’ time in the spotlight is probably nearing its end. Nope. Not those Diaws. Grab your chubby French Diaws. Not those, either. Where did you get those? That’s terrible.

Andrew Bogut – He “boguted” his ankle, so you just know that shizz was gross. He was helped off the court and never returned, which means that Drew Gooden just became your new best friend. Or if not your best friend, the person you invite over to your house to watch “The Bachelor” (because watching it alone is soooo pathetic).

Shaun Livingston – 6/0/2, in 18 starter’s minutes. Stephen Jackson – 20/1/3 in 30 reserve minutes. So that’s where that’s at.

Jrue Holiday – Came into last night’s game shooting .397 in his last four. Then he shot 5-for-13 last night. He finished with seven assists for only the second time in his last 10 games. So suddenly, I’m thinking a little bit less from column A and little bit more from column B and we’ll be straight.

Austin Daye – After starting the season 0-for-14 from the arc, dude has hit 7-of-his-last-11. His 28/6/3 performance last night was more of what I envisioned than the 4/2/1 he’s averaged so far. Let him string together a couple more solid games before you waste a spot on him, though.

Trevor Ariza – Shot 1-for-8. Ended with 2 points. THERE he is! I missed you, Trev’.

Ronnie Brewer – 20/10/5, with a quartet of steals. I told you two days ago to pick him up. You picked him up, right? Tommy, tell me you got that!

Joakim Noah – Has anyone noticed JoaNoa is averaging 11.8 pts/11.3 rbd/2.5 ast/0.8 blk in his last four games? No? Well, I suppose you didn’t notice that I got my haircut yesterday either.

Wayne Ellington - Luke Ridnour was out with a sore knee. Or maybe he and his knee both just stayed in and watched a movie. I’m not sure. Either way, Ellington took his place in the starting lineup and ended with 16/4/3, with a bunch of other fun little stuff to help your fantasy team. It was easily his best game of the season and one that he is unlikely to duplicate anytime soon. Keep any eye on him, just in case I’m drunk, but I’m pretty sure I’m not drunk and I’m positive that under no circumstances should Ellington be on your team. In fact, I’m disappointed in you for even reading this passage because it suggests you were considering putting Ellington on your team.

Linas Kleiza – 25 points, but it took him about five quarters to get there. Kleiza owners have to rollover 20 percent of last night’s stats into Toronto’s next game.

Ty Lawson – Sprained his ankle. If you’re reading this less than seven hours after it happened, I’ll know more and update this blurb in the morning. If you’re reading this more than seven hours after it happened, then clearly I’ve dropped the ball and I’ll be happy to refund every last cent you paid for this service.

Tiago Splitter – 16/8/2, with a block in 20 minutes from the bench. He’s really starting to develop into a solid FA pickup. Duncan finally accepted his Words With Friends invite, that’s why.

Matt Bonner – Drained five 3ptm on his way to 17 points. Bonner Jamz, ’12!

Marcus Thornton – To miss 1-2 weeks with a left thigh injury. Jimmer Fredette is the obvious add, but seeing as how the majority of the West is gaga for JimmyJam, he’s likely taken in many leagues. For you deep leaguers, take a look at Isaiah Thomas. He’ll see a bump in minutes and ended with 13/1/4 last night.

Chris Paul – Returned. His shot was rusty, but he doled out 10 assists in under 16 minutes. A dozen over the course of 26 minutes.

Stephen Curry – 32/6/7, with 4 stl and 6 3ptm. See the Stoudemire blurb about 7 inches above this one.

Brandon Rush – He’s quietly averaging 10.5 pts/4 rbd/2 3ptm, with solid percentages over his last six games. He’s also quietly reading the last book in the Hunger Games series and hasn’t been talkative on team flights lately.

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Do you have $100? No? Do you want it? Sure you do. Daily Joust is hosting a $100 prize contest tomorrow night. It’s free to enter, which is nice. And winner gets a cool hundo, which is also nice. Unfortunately, those who do not win will most likely be hunted down and killed for sport. /re-reads the contest rules. I’m sorry, I misread that last part. Those who do not win will not be hunted down and killed for sport. At least not by the fine, fine people at Daily Joust.