Fantasy Basketball Advice

With the 2011-12 season’s first week grinding to a close, congratulations are in order for the Big Ball Dance League’s One Piece, who sit atop the RCL standings setting the pace for the rest of the us. They don’t lead any one category, but they’re in the top 10 in five of eight stat categories, which is pretty bananas when you think about it. Then again, so is having Kobe and Pau on the same fantasy team like he does. There weren’t a ton of weaknesses in his draft and he’s made some interesting tinkering moves already, including trading Dirk Nowitzki off his team for Paul George and Jeff Teague. I’d love to hear the thinking behind that and why no one from the BBD League protested it. 

At any rate, One Piece sits in third in his division, but has played five fewer games than the two teams ahead of him. Which brings us to how the RCL rankings are calculated. Each teams totals are divided by the number of games they’ve played to even out the field. Those averages in each category are then ranked across all five divisions. So instead of worst being 12th place, last place is now 60th. Of course, these rankings assume that everyone will play the maximum number of games at year’s end (which rarely happens), but hopefully, breaking it down like this will keep those in the bottom motivated to keep tinkering. As the season goes on, I’ll have more analysis for each league, but this week, I just wanted to introduce things. Get you all comfortable. Coax you into taking your jacket ff so I can rifle through it when you step into the bathroom. You know, normal stuff. 

Master Standings are here.

Other category leaders:

I POSTERIZE MOMS (24th place)  .500 FG%
Hired Goons (44th)  .887 FT%
Andray the Giant (39th)  1.324 3ppg
Teach Me How to Gortat (3rd)  16.480 ppg
Boom Boom Pau  (47th) 6.742 rpg
Van Gundy Death Stare (11th)  4.0 apg
Razzle Dazzle (32nd) 1.464 spg
Team Thiele (28th)  1.125 bpg

Look for a standings slopegraph next week. It’s going to be awesome. You’ll want to make popcorn and tweet about it to your family.

Boston, Dallas, Memphis and the Lakers share one win amongst themselves and 10 losses. So understand me when I tell you that everything – absolutely everything – written here is a complete guess. So it goes when you’re watching basketball as messy as this. Now if you’re ready, let’s talk about Michael Redd. When last we saw Redd, the U.S. economy had just entered a recession, everyone was still reeling from the newest Batman movie and Coldplay was something people listened to. Skip ahead three years and everything is … well, pretty much the same. The only difference now is that Redd has since played fewer games than Greg Oden and has zipped ahead from the end of his prime (29) to straight-up old (32). But now Redd’s back under a 1-year contract with a Suns team that need another question mark on its roster like they need nipples for knees. Redd made it into 10 games last season (averaging 12/2/3, with a trey each game) on a similar mish-mash Bucks squad. So this really is a redemption for both sides. The Suns have looked a fright to start the season and so Phoenix figured, “why not?” Consider Redd a candidate for about 12-15 mpg, and 9/2/2, with a three each game. If you can use that, grab him. The only way he produces more is if Dudley, Brown, Hill and Childress all stay terrible. I can’t imagine that would happen and can’t imagine Redd is the best FA pickup you can find. Here’s what else went down on Thursday in fantasy basketball.

Marshon Brooks – Only two Nets scored in double figures: Deron Williams (10) and Brooks (17). The Nets look terrible and have been blown out by 36 and 16 points in each of their last two games. What does this mean? It means that Brooks is their best player three games into the season and the Nets are atrocious. There are no coincidences.

Jameer Nelson – Played 17 quiet minutes before he left the game with neck spasms. He’s questionable for tonight’s game. Chris Duhon will get all his minutes, but before you rush to pick him up, remember that at some point in the near future you’re going to want to look at yourself in the mirror and owning Duhon might make that harder to do. He went 9/1/4, with three 3ptm in 28 minutes yesterday.

DeJuan Blair – 22/12 on 8-for-17 from the floor. In his first three games, Blair is shooting .583 from the field, which becomes less impressive when you consider that his “field” is within six feet from the basket. Still, he’s a steady source of boards and FG% widely available in a lot of leagues.

Tiago Splitter – Started the second half after Gregg Poppovich came just shy of slaughtering his entire starting five. Anyway, in 25 minutes, Splitter double-doubled for the second time in his NBA career (10/11/3). His success felt more like a punishment. I don’t love owning guys on my fantasy team whose presence on the court is meant to inspire shame in better players.

Kevin Martin – Shook his funk, scored 25 and hit four 3pt. Also, Kyle Lowry ended with a 16/9/8 line. Watching parts of this game, it is clear to me that as Speed Racer goes, so goes Lowry.

Samuel Dalembert – 4/7, with 4 blk in 20 minutes. He won’t block this much on a regular basis, but if you’re rostering Kendrick Perkins, Kwame Brown or Biedrins, I’d prefer Sammy Davis Sr. over the lot.

Chase Budinger – 2/2 and nothin’ else in 18 starter’s minutes. This coming after going 3/3/2 in 20 minutes a couple days ago. He’s toast. If you were considering him, stop. If you own him, drop.

Kevin Durant – I ranked this guy at the top of the NBA litter, so I know I don’t have to tell you about how good he is. But then I realized that Durant has had 6 assists in two of his first four games this season after handing out that many only three times last year. KD with a passing game is like a dolphin developing opposable thumbs: we’re all in deep, deep trouble.

Eric Maynor – No need to do anything about this now, but with all this babble about Russie Westbrook’s attitude, it’s worth noting in case something happens that Eric Maynor’s per36 is 12/4/7, 1.8 stl and his URtg is a hefty 21.3. Three cheers for a statistics strawman!

Delonte West – Got the start because of his defense. This was the closest Dallas has come to winning all season, so I think Carlisle will put him back into the starting lineup again. Baby steps!

Lamar Odom – Odom looks confused. And sad. Like Vince Carter ate his last Payday without offering to replace it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I’m certain this is exactly what happened.

J.J. Hickson – He’s averaging seven points and four rebounds to start the season.  Whose stock has plummeted since joining the Kings? J.J. Hickson’s stock has plummeted since joining the Kings. Yes it did! Yes it did. Also, Adam’s stock has plummeted since Hickson joined the Kings because he pimped him in the preseason. Ugh. If there’s a big you’ve got your eye on, drop Hickson and go for him.

Joakim Noah – 8/3, with 2 blk in 22 minutes. What the what!?! If I wanted that type of production, I’d have drafted J.J. Hickson.

Carlos Boozer – 16/15. Hey, Boo’!

Ty Lawson – Sank 25 points and nabbed 8 steals. How’d you spend your Thursday?

Nicolas Batum – 1 3pt/6 pts/6 rbd/1 ast/1 stl/4 blk/4 tov. A quietly filled box score from a Quiet Man. “Now I want all of yous to cheer like Protestants.”

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Stephen Curry‘s ankle used up its final sick day of the year, because unlike weak ankles themselves, sick days don’t roll over. (Boom! Nailed it.) Dwyane Wade? His left foot caused an early exit. Then a quarter later, his right foot told his left to stop being such a damn sissy, strap on an extra sock and get back out there. Wade told both feet he hates it when they fight and then re-entered the game to hit the game-winner against Charlotte. Eric Gordon didn’t play because of a swollen knee he didn’t bother telling anyone about. I’m assuming two things here: 1) Eric Gordon owns a bunk bed and sleeps on the top, 2) last night he fell of it – which is embarrassing – and the team came up with some bogus tale of a basketball-related bruise, and 3) I said there were two assumptions. You have no business inquiring about number three. Jrue Holiday mashed his knee and silently left the game. He’s likely to return Friday. And as if losing four top 10 guards wasn’t enough, I’ll throw in a Mike Conley, who went down with a sprain less than a minute into his match against OKC, and George Hill, who is shooting .154 in two games this season. … Wait. I’ve been told George Hill is not injured. Really? Are you sure? Because he really seems injured. Ugh. Anyway, if you’re wondering how to vulture these injuries, your pickups are as follows: Jarrett Jack (21/4/9, with 2 blk; will find a way to play 52 minutes a game), Lou Williams (if Holiday can’t go, but all signs point to him being able to, uh, go), Jeremy Pargo (looked like Collison two years ago), Marco Belinelli (looks like Marco Belinelli – always), James Jones (if Wade’s left dog is barking at him tomorrow) and Ish Smith, in that order. Now that all that unpleasantness is out of the way, here’s s’more fantasy basketball goings-on from last night.

Paul George – 18/4/2, with 4 3ptm all by hisself. He’s the George Hill George Hill sees in the mirror when George Hill is having one of those confident days.

James Johnson – 6/8/2, with 6 stls and 2 blks. He’s averaging 5.5/ 7/3.5, with 4 stls and 2.5 blks in his first two games of the season. Did you miss grabbing Andre Iguodala in the draft? Want another chance at him (minus a few field-goals)? Here you go. I totally believe, with the exception of maybe these steals, he can do this all year and more if he overtakes Rasual Butler in the starting lineup.

DeMar DeRozan – Sank two threes. He’s never made two threes in one game before. He’s only made nine threes in total before tonight. That’s it. I just like mentioning weird things. Speaking of which: Corey Maggette!

Corey Maggette – Didn’t throw in a single point during Charlotte’s 60-point first half against the Heat. It’s probably harder to go 0-for-8 than 8-for-8 in this league. Everyone in the NBA is paid to be there and they’re paid to be there because they are among the best at what they do. Maggette is paid to score. Therefore it’s not ridiculous to say he’s among the best in the world at doing so. It would be considered impressive if he went 8-for-8, but not unthinkable. It’s unthinkable that he’d unsuccessfully put the biscuit in the basket against a team that hasn’t shown this season that it can stop anyone from doing so.

Boris Diaw – 16/16/8 and now he’s averaging 12.5/12/9.5. I’m confident he’ll keep up this pace all season. I don’t own him in any leagues, so either I’m right or I’m happy. And THAT’S how you hedge a bet, sister!

Gerald Henderson – 21/4/4, with a three, two blocks and two steals. He’s had a couple great games and all of a sudden he’s gotten the “Hendo” nickname. I’m partial toward Hender’s Game, but that’s because I believe there is a place for science-fiction references in basketball, even though no one else does.

Jordan Crawford – Shot 0-for-6 from the field and ended with one point in 22 minutes. Nick Young, on the other hand, finished with 21 in 32 minutes. Not only that, he doled out four assists. FOUR! /puts hands on hips and looks around\ FOUR!

Marvin Williams – 17/8, with a pair of threes, a couple of steals and a block because everybody enjoys a good block now and again. He’s averaging 15.5/8.5, with 2 3ptm and 2.5 stls in two weird games to start the season. He’s playing like he’s been expected to play for three years. And because he hasn’t played that way in these last three years, I’m guessing we’re in for a regression sooner than later.

Ramon Sessions – Sessions had six assists, or 24 Nick Young Assists™. His final line: 16/7/6 in 28 minutes. Another blowout, this time in Cleveland’s favor. Play him if you own him, but these last two games have been coincidental flukes.

Brandon Knight – 23 points on 13 shots, six dimes and three threes. The only downside to the guy is that his name is Brandon. I don’t trust Brandons or guys who spell their name as “Geoffrey.”

Austin Daye – Talk about night and day, Austin is the anti-Knight. Drop him until he shows anyone anything.

Russell Westbrook – 0-for-13 from the field and raised his voice to Kevin Durant. WORSTBROOK.

Jeremy Pargo – 15/3/7, with a pair of steals. MAGNOFALACIO! Minutes Ain’t Got No Face As Long As Conley Is Out. Sorry, Grey.

Elton Brand – Took only seven shots against possibly the worst team in the West; made only two of them. He’s averaging 7/8.5/2 in his first two games. Let’s move on. It’s stinging my nostrils and I’m getting dizzy.

Evan Turner – 12/7/2, with a steal. He’s averaging 11/5.5/2, with a steal in his first two games. This is technically an improvement over last year (so far), but remember: E.T. phoned in a 16/7/4, 1 block game in almost 31 minutes in his second game last season. What I’m saying is, let’s talk in February.

Robin Lopez – 7/6/3, in 20 minutes. If I were holding a metaphorical sunflower, it would comically droop now.

Steve Nash – 4/0/1, 6 tov in 17 minutes and he’s not hurt. … … … His worst game last season was 4/0/1, with 2 tovs.

Derrick Favors – 2/10, with 3 tovs in 17 minutes. He’s spraying his game with weak sauce. Bench him if you’re in a deep league, drop him if you’re in a shallow. Make him show you something. Millsap is the stream if you’re into streaming. Actually, Favors was the stream, but it didn’t work out. That’ll teach you to stream on Millsap.

Alec Burks – 15 points and a steal in 10 minutes. If I had a fu-manchu, you best believe I’d be stroking it in anticipation of watching Burks’ next few games. I don’t, so I won’t. But if I did, I would.

Brandon Rush – Saw 25+ minutes last night, including the end of the game alongside Monta Ellis. Although he ended with 19/5 with a couple of threes and a couple of steals, I wouldn’t rush (pun!) to grab him. He’s splitting time with Ish Smith (11/6/4, with 2 steals) until Curry returns or “re-curries” if you’re into portmanteaus. Also, this line came while Bibby was guarding him. That’s worth something. Unless you’re Bibby. Then it’s not worth much.

Here’s what you’re likely to hear around the fantasy blogosphere today: You’re likely to read that Norris Cole scored 14 of Miami’s final 24 points. You’re likely to be reminded of Mario Chalmers‘ embarrassing 6 tovs in 19 minutes. And if you read about those two things, you’re probably likely to read about how Cole is Miami’s newest, shiniest toy. “20/4/4! Grab him!” you’ll read. “Obvious add,” will ring in your ears as you rush to your fantasy team. I won’t stop you. These things that you’re likely to read are not wrong. But what you might not read today is how totally bananas these next few weeks are going to be for you whether you sit on the team you drafted or stream the bottom five players every day. How weird? Effing weird. You own Mehmet Okur and Robin Lopez, and admit it, you checked to see if Marshon Brooks is still available. And weirder still, he might not be. This is how the season is going to be for a while. Field-goal percentages are down, turnovers are up, Stephen Curry‘s ankle-tweaks-per-game are breaking records … and eventually one of Stephen Curry’s actual ankles. High draft picks are playing 18 minutes and sitting because they’re out of shape or on the winning end of a blowout, or the losing end of a blowout. Guys who shouldn’t be playing are playing – and succeeding and then immediately sinking back into the deep bench. It’s only going to get weirder, starting with Cole – a player you all know damn well is not a top option on this Miami squad despite evidence to the contrary. I’m not telling you to pass on him. Don’t pass on him. Pick him up. Cole’s not coal, he’s tungsten. All I’m pointing out is that tungsten ain’t gold. So, let’s keep this weird train a-choo-choo-chooing and look at what else happened in fantasy basketball last night.

Keyon Dooling – The thing to key on here is not the 18 points he scored, but the fact that he did almost nothing else and that Paul Pierce was not in the lineup. I’d like also to point out what I did with the “key-on.” Some of you might have missed that.

Rajon Rondo – You want me to poop all over your party? Rondo’s 7 tovs essentially negate the fantasy impact of his 12 assists. 22/8/0 < 22/8/12. #POoPED

Jermaine O’Neal – 0/4/0, with nary a block nor a steal, as J.O. reminded us all why it is we needed to be reminded that Jermaine O’Neal still plays basketball.

Marshon Brooks – He took a handful of questionable shots, including four bricks from beyond the arc. I mention this to temper all the rushing fantasy owners are doing to add this guy. Let’s see him do it twice in a row.

Vladimir Radmanovic – Led everyone on both teams (except Brooks) in minutes played last night and ended with 17/3/5, with a trio of treys. Leave him be. This won’t be the last time I type this today, but rostering him would illustrate to the rest of the league that you’re impetuous and easily swayed. Don’t be that guy. That being said, if you listen to me telling you not to be that guy, you’re still being that guy.

Zaza Pachulia – 13/11. Please don’t make me talk to you about Zaza Pachulia.

Derrick Favors – 8/6 in 19 minutes. Nudge me when he’s more than a paper starter.

Al Jefferson – Shot 2-for-16. /re-checks box score assuming there is a typo. Certainly he must have gone either 2-for-6 or 12-for-16. 2-for-16 can’t be right, can it? Ugh. It can. It is. Pours a shot. Drinks it. Tastes terrible. Looks at bottle. Turns out, it was dish soap. Suddenly knows how Al Jefferson must feel. Proceeds to barf. \ Anyway, Jefferson also went 0-for-9 at the rim last night, which is actually more awful than it sounds. It’s urrful. I blame the offseason empanadas. Not sure if Jefferson even likes those, but they’re getting blamed for his lack of energy and lift just the same.

C.J. Miles – Shot 1-for-8 in 18 season-debut blowout minutes. Ooof. At least he died doing what he loved.

Enes Kanter – 5/10, with a block in the first 21 minutes of his professional basketball career. I’m pretty sure Kevin Love had this covered before the first timeout of his game. Seriously though, it kind of doesn’t make sense for you to be rostering him on your fantasy team.

Marcus Camby – 2/9/5, with 2 blocks. So far this season, he’s averaging 4/11/5.5, with 2 blk. Show of hands: Who knew he still had two consecutive Camby-like games in him? C’mon lemme see those hands. Don’t be shy. I count one hand. Wait. No. You were just stretching? Okay.

Jimmer Fredette – Shot 4-of-10 and ended with 10 points. When will it be time to mention how ghastly Jimmer’s defense is and how the ghastliness of that defense is going to hinder the playing time he gets? Oh, just now? This counts as a mention? Well, then. That’s convenient.