Fantasy Basketball Advice

Ain’t no telling when Brandon Roy will return this season, but the Blazers announced it won’t be anytime soon. My guess is, if the franchise doesn’t shut him down for good, they’re only not doing so in case they need him to make a Willis Reed-like return at some desperate time late in the season, long after owners dropped him from their rosters. But what most people don’t remember about that classic moment from 1970 is that the Captain sank two field goals and sat the rest out. Fantasy-wise, performances like that only help out those around him. Even if Roy comes back, it won’t be to impact the game itself, but to impact his teammates. The play here is to cut out the middleman. See what you can get for Roy, or if no one in your league is biting (and make no mistake, no one in your league should be biting), drop him and move on. So far with Roy out, Rudy Fernandez and Wes Matthews have traded big games. Matthews is already heavily owned and the announcement that Roy will be out indefinitely served only to tighten the grip Matthews owners already had, but RuFer is still out there. Still unowned in over 80 percent of fantasy leagues. There isn’t a player in the NBA who wasn’t valuable last week that is more valuable this week than Fernandez. In the time that Portland has been without Roy, Fernandez has played nearly 30 mpg, shot .515/.882 and averaged 2 3ptm/14 pts /3 rbd /4 ast/1.5 stl. Start the New Year off right. Grab him.

Here’s what else I saw on the last Thursday of the year:

Wes Matthews – 30/3/3 with four steals and four threes. I still think Dorell Wright or Michael Beasley‘s got an edge on Most Improved Player, but I wouldn’t scoff like an Upper East Side Yuppie if Matthews got it.

Shawne Williams – Sank 15 points in 22 minutes along with a trio of threes. Unfortunately, he had 16 points total in the three games before that, so for now, I’m not recommending you pick up any Shawnes with e’s at the end of their name.

Landry Fields – After two straight 14/10 dub-dubs, Fields has hit a wall going 1.5/5.5 and shooting .111 in his last two.

Raymond Felton – Speaking of cold guards, being one of the Buckingham Palace guards on outdoor duty in January has to be one of the worst jobs in the world. Even in a down economy, I’m not sure that standing out in 15 degree weather while tourists pretend to hump my leg as I stand stone-faced and frozen in order to protect a queen that will almost certainly never actually die seems futile. Almost as futile as Felton’s attempts at shooting threes last night (1-for-6 from the arc). Add six turnovers to the total, you’ve got yourself Raymond Felton’s worst game of the season last night.

Ryan Anderson – Coach Stan Van Gundy is still monkeying with the Magic rotation, still trying to find the magic rotation and in his wake, he’s left Brandon Bass and Anderson in a pseudo timeshare. I say ‘pseudo’ because a) Bass has technically averaged about five minutes per game more than Anderson, b) Hedo Turkoglu has seen some of their minutes and c) I’m not completely sure what pseudo means, but it makes me sound smart. It’s close enough to a timeshare that if you have Bass and you need an uptick in threes, rebounds, assists and steals, Anderson has outplayed Bass for two weeks in those categories. If you own Anderson and his .410/.692 percentages are killing you, grab the .531/.889-shooting Bass.

Jason Richardson – After a few solid outings, J-Rich played poorly on Thursday (9/7/0). Although Richardson is one of the most streaky players in the league and will likely turn it on for an extended time at some point in the next 50 games, the pattern of Richardson, Arenas, Nelson and Turkoglu all rotating on and off nights is a disturbing – if not altogether surprising – trend that has developed in the last 10 days.

Kevin Garnett – Cagey will miss the next two weeks with a strained calf. Meanwhile, you can still see him on the bench ready to pounce on Jermaine O’Neal whenever it appears he’s about to fall asleep.

Mehmet Okur – DNP-CD with a sore back. Andrei Kirilenko also has a sore back, but I’m pretty sure the injuries are not related because I wouldn’t know how to explain that. Both are day-to-day.

Gary Neal – He’s averaging 2.8 threes and 16.5 points over his last six games including last night’s 21 points. Quiet points. For a Quiet Man. “Now I want all of yous to cheer like Protestants.”

Jason Kidd – 12/10/13 triple-double. The first of his season. He also played 38 minutes, which he’s only done three other times this year and each of the other three games were played with Dirk in the lineup, so enjoy this while it lasts, because it won’t last long. Yeah.I’m kind of a Kidd hater. No, that’s too harsh. I don’t hate the guy. I’m more of a Kidd H8R. There. That’s better.

Jason Terry – Staying with the Dallas Jason theme, dude shot 3-for-16 from the field and promptly threw himself on the mercy of the court, which literally involved himself splayed on the half court line, hoping DeJuan Blair wouldn’t step on him.

Caron Butler – Scored a season-high 30 points against the Spurs and has quietly put together a nifty back-half to the month, averaging 19.9/4.4 including 3 stl+3ptm. Might be the most quiet top 100 fantasy option of the season.

What would it take a sane person to grab Tracy McGrady off waivers in a standard-size fantasy league? A month ago, the thought was unthinkable. I’m not sure what a thought is if one cannot think it. When you’re drunk and rambling to your friends at about 2:30 in the morning on New Years Day, discuss it and get back to me. Say you what you will about ol’ T-Mac, the guy has made the most of his scant minutes this season. He’s averaging 11.5/5.5/4.5 with 1.5 steals every 36 minutes and shooting a career-best .481 from the field. The sample-size is small, you say? Well, don’t tell my girlfriend. It’s the only size she’s ever seen. Ultimately, it is a small sample size. But much of fantasy managing is taking calculated risks. So try this on for size: five of T-Mac’s six best games this season have all come when he plays at least 24 minutes and he’s played that much in five of his last seven games. He’s started the season averaging 12.2 mpg, expanded to 17.8 in November and continued the upward trend in December with 19.5 mpg. He played over 30 minutes for the first time all season last night and responded with a 21/4/8 line with a trio of steals. Should we expect this every night? Should we even expect McGrady healthy from here on out. No. Never again. But this is the Pistons we’re talking about. As long as he’s healthy and producing anywhere near this, why wouldn’t he tap into Tayshaun Prince‘s minutes a bit, or outright take over if Prince is shipped elsewhere? Think about, throw up in your mouth a little from thinking about it, then think about it again. He’s a deep league option right now with the potential to drive sane standard leaguers crazy in the near future.

Here’s what else went down in a busy night in fantasy basketball:

Kevin Garnett – Cagey went down with what is now being called a simple muscle ailment. Soon after he went down, Garnett yelled at his leg, frightening it into only being a slight ailment. This is what Garnett also plans on doing every time he has a heart attack, thus ensuring he lives to be 320 year old. In the meantime, Glen Davis, Jermaine O’Neal and Semih Erden are your adds if Garnett misses a game or two.

Dorell Wright – Dropped 32/11 in all 48 minutes of last night’s game. Or as Zach Randolph would say, the whole game plus a six minute overtime.

Stephen Curry – 14.1/3.3/7.3 and shooting .416 in seven December games. And this is why you don’t pick sophomores in the first round of your draft.

Marvin Williams – Left last night’s game with a bruised back. Good thing it wasn’t a braised back. Right, Smoove? *wink, wink* #JoshSmithbehungry!

Roy Hibbert – Foul trouble, which begat fantasy trouble. If it feels like I’m writing about Hibbert every night, it’s because I am. And every night it’s usually bad news. Bench him until he produces well in consecutive games.

John Wall – 10/7/12 against the Pacers as he played almost 35 minutes. Kirk Hinrich exited the game early with a left thigh contusion. Last night will probably be the last time Wall comes off the bench from here on out.

JaVale McGee – 16/10 with four blocks as the kicker. It was his first double-double in 19 days. Inconceivable!

Mo Williams – Missed Wednesday’s game with a hip flexor, but said he hopes he can play against the Bulls on Saturday anyway. Also hopeful of this? The Bulls. If Mo Whoa is a no-go, grab Ramon Sessions (22/5/4 in 31 minutes last night) and Manny Harris in that order.

Gerald Wallace – Returned after missing the last five games and shot the ball like someone who had played five fewer basketball games than everyone else (4-of-11). Still, the rest of his game looked fine.

Stephen Jackson – He’s averaging 3.5 threes along with 30.5/7.5/4 and two steals in the first two games of the Paul Silas era. He’d been averaging two treys along with 17.2/4.3/4.2 and 1.4 steals in the previous 27 games under Larry Brown. Jrue story.

D.J. Augustin – First game under Paul Silas, he scored a season-high 27 points. Two days later, he scored 28. If you own D.J.A., this will be your favorite blurb of the day.

Pau Gasol – Boom, Boom, Pau took just five shots last night. The game before, he only took eight. Thirteen combined shots for the team’s best player? In his previous 10 games, he took at least 13 shots in all but two of them.

Andrew Bynum – 18/6 in 30 starter’s minutes, as Lamar Odom was bumped to the bench. In other news, I’ve received – literally – seven trade requests offering my Lamar Odom for my best bigs.

David West – Rolled his ankle, but returned after halftime and saw that his ankle wasn’t the only part of the Hornets getting rolled last night.

Tyreke Evans – 21/4/4 with a couple steals. Um, yeah. He seems to be fine. Laser surgery on hold until at least after the All-Star Break when the kings should really look awful. Also, pausing fake basketball talk for a second to discuss real basketball … the end of that Memphis-Sacramento game last night: Was that shizz bananas or what?

DeMarcus Cousins – Played almost 37 minutes and ended with a 20/16/3 line. Paul Westphal’s doghouse is the nicest doghouse ever.

Nenad Krstic – He’s averaging 20 mpg since returning on Christmas Day. So is Serge Ibaka. If you hadn’t dropped Ibaka yet, might I introduce you to “right now?”

Kris Humphries – Speaking of timeshares, Murphy Brown is also in one with Derrick Favors. Deep leaguers hang on to both of them, but the rest of you stand down until something gives.

Chauncey Billups – Season-high 36 points. No ‘Melo, No Nene, No Martin, No Harrington. I’m pretty sure if I played the Wolves all by myself, I’d score a season-high too. Caveat: As I’ve not played in any official NBA capacity yet, scoring even one point would ensure the truth of my previous statement. I’m a genius! … Assuming, of course, that I could actually score in an NBA game, which I’d place only at about 5:1 odds.

Darko Milicic – Injured his hip, left early, came back, struggled. <– I’m gonna go ahead and copy/paste this into most of the future Darko blurbs.

Chuck Hayes – 13/8/3 in 25 minutes. He’s the de facto center to own on the Rockets. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that “de facto” and “center” are never terms that fantasy owners should get too excited about.

Aaron Brooks – 20/9 as he played 30 minutes off the bench. Starter Kyle Lowry ended with 11/7 in 24 minutes. If Lowry is still starting two games from now, I’ll sleep in my car for the entire month of January.

Evan Turner – Scored a career-best 23 points. Now just do that every game for the rest of the season and you won’t be considered a bust come the summer.

Andres Nocioni – 22/12/2. Be honest. You completely forgot which team Nocioni even played for, didn’t you?

Jodie Meeks – Two points in 17 minutes and it’s still weird that Meeks has started every game this month. Hell, he’s averaging almost 31 mpg. Yeah. The Sixers are a long way away from being a successful basketball team.

Vince Carter – Vincanity’s sunbelt era started last night with an 8-for-20, 18 point performance in the loss. So, you know, he’s back. but he’s not really “back.”

Marcin Gortat – Since coming over from Orlando, Gortat has averaged almost 10 more mpg than starter Robin Lopez, while outperforming him in every relevant stat category except for free throw percentage. If you deep leaguers were on the fence about either of them before, you shouldn’t be now.

Gordon Hayward – 17/6/3 as he played 42 minutes in place of the injured Andrei Kirilenko. don’t get too excited. A) 17/6/3 in 42 minutes ain’t all that great and B) Kirilenko is targeting Utah’s next game to return.

Paul Millsap – As Al Jefferson goes, so goes Millsap. P.M. dawned this season averaging 22/9. Since then he’s trickled down to 17.5/8, while Jefferson has improved with each month.

Al-Farouq Aminu – Sank thre treys on his way to a 13/8 line. He’s played 30 minutes, grabbed eight boards and scored in double-digits in each of his last two games.

The biggest bust in the NBA that no one is talking about has got to be Tim Duncan. Well, no. Technically, Boris Diaw‘s bust is the biggest one no one is talking about, but that’s just because he’s sensitive about it. Maybe don’t eat so many bunt cakes next Christmas, Boris! Duncan played 29:28 last night and shot a sickly 1-for-7 from the field against the Lakers. Duncan isn’t hurt and, for the most part, he’s not even playing all that poorly. He just isn’t as much a part of the team’s offense as he had previously been. His career Usg% is 28.  This season, it’s 23. Timmy be Timmy, just less often. And this is why ain’t no one talking about what a tremendous deficit Duncan has created for fantasy owners. He hasn’t gotten worse or more injury prone like Shaquille O’Neal or Yao Ming. He’s just being used sparingly. Which is what his owners (or prospective owners) need to keep in mind: Duncan is like a serpent in the sand. Blending, blending, blending; waiting for you to assume he’s not there. Then just as you’ve relaxed and kicked off your Tevas, he sinks two teeth into your ankle bone. Clearly this is a metaphor, as Duncan still hasn’t lost his baby teeth and cannot possibly sink them into anything harder than applesauce. But still … Duncan might be worth benching in standard leagues (he’s shooting .321 and averaging 6.3/6.3 in his last three games), but it’s reasonable to believe that it won’t get worse for Duncan. His worst games have all come when he plays fewer than 30 minutes and once the All-Star Break rolls around, so too will Duncan’s minutes increase. For those of you in need of a big man on the cheap, you might consider making trade offers now so that come March, it’ll be someone else’s ankle he’s sinking his teeth into.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy basketball last night:

George Hill – Wasn’t a great scoring night, but nine boards, three dimes, a pair of steals, four blocks and no turnovers is enough to warrant a blurb. If George was an actual hill, I’d want to climb to the top and plant my flag in it. That sounded gross.

Dwight Howard – 12/6 with 7 tov. Dwight thought it’d be funny if he and J.J. Hickson swapped fantasy lines. Hickson forgot about the deal and just did his normal thing. That’s so Hickson!

Gilbert Arenas – Best game of Gil’s season: 5 3ptm/22/6/11. I’m as wary of trusting this line as I am of a church with insurance coverage against “Acts of God.” What kind of church fears God is going to strike it down? What’s up with that church? I want no part of it.

Brandon Bass – 6.5/3.5/1 in his last two games. Despite being against the mighty defensive powerhouses in Cleveland and New Jersey, I’m still concerned that Bass is on his way back to the shadows.

Daniel Gibson – After missing his last game with the flu, Boobie’s bouncing again.  .500/.714/2/15/6/4/1/1/3

Mo Williams – Mo missed all but one of his six three-point attempts and dropped his 3p% to .276 after averaging around .430 the last two seasons. He’s not getting good looks and he’s rushing to get the crappy looks he’s getting.

Anderson Varejao – 14/9 with three blocks and a career-high five steals. So spray that in your hair and curl it.

Danny Granger – 5-for-21, 0-for-6 from the arc last night. I’m pulling for a Granger, Mo Williams, Baron Davis, Trevor Ariza Three-Point Shootout this February. The winner is the first to make two.

Roy Hibbert – Scored 4/3/1 in the first half, finished with 8/8/2 as Hibbert seems like he’s totally in his own head. Somebody nudge O’Brien awake. He hasn’t actually looked at Hibbert since Halloween.

Tyrus Thomas – His wrist is feeling a little limp, so he’ll be out of tonight’s game.

Landry Fields – 3/7/1 in his worst game of the season, or the first game of the season in which he performed at the level expected of him back in June.

Wilson Chandler – 21/6 before fouling out against the Heat. He was 0-for-1 behind the arc, but I hadn’t realized  that on the season, he’s making 1.2 more treys a game than he did last year despite playing 1.5 fewer minutes.

Mike Miller – DNP-CD again. C’mon Spoelstra, hasn’t it been three weeks yet? Maybe he should dress like a girl again and ask to be put into the game. Guys love giving girls what they want. It worked for Bugs Bunny.

John Salmons – He averaged 18 in the second half with the Bulls in 2009, 20 with the Bucks last season and has scored 18+ in five of his last six. He’s a month early on busting the slump, but bust it he seems to be doing.

Corey Maggette – 15/4/1 in his second game back after missing the previous three games. On a completely unrelated note: Chris Douglas-Roberts felt it necessary to download Angry Birds onto his iPhone. He said something about needing a way to pass the time during games now.

Shannon Brown – 1-for-11, but still grabbed 11 boards because bricks bounce far enough away from the basket that a 6’4″ guard can grab ‘em easy.

Lamar Odom – Scary fact: Ron Artest was more efficient than Lamardashian last night (3-for-9, 9 points).

Wesley Matthews – What’s cooler than Wes Matthews? I said, what’s cooler than Wes Matthews? Ice Cold! 1-for-8 with six points.

LaMarcus Aldridge – Tuesday’s line: 18 pts/13 rbd/4 ast/3 stl/7 blk. Those blocks are a high in his career, which is different than former Blazer Rasheed Wallace, whose career sometimes blocked his high.

Kenyon Martin – Played last night, won’t play tonight. Just precautionary.

Dirk Nowitzki – Toronto beat Dallas by eight. Turns out Bargnani, Calderon, Weems, and Evans combined are worth less than one Dirk.

Ed Davis – 17/12/3 blk. Currency exchange joke alert! Meh. This would only have been 16.7/11.9/2.9 in the States.

Chris Andersen – 8/12/3 With all those tattoos, I bet he never looks naked, even when he’s not wearing any clothes.

Tyreke Evans dropped 32 points on the Clippers in 40 minutes, but couldn’t drop a free throw that might have saved the game for ‘em. Then he dashed to the locker room and dropped a bombshell that he’s considering having laser surgery that will heal his foot and lay him low for the next 3-4 months, or as simplists like to call it, the rest of the season. If this happens, it’s a problem. If it doesn’t, it’s still a problem. Where’s the rub? Because Evans had one of the better games of his season and within an hour said that he might shut it all down, suggests that he perhaps can play through the injury but sees little reason to do so. Oh, there’s the rub. If Evans stays, opts not to have the surgery until the offseason, and plays on your fantasy team, how sure will you be for the next 19 weeks that he won’t poop in your kitchen every third game as he has this season? Would you prefer no Tyreke Evans or one that screws you once a week? That was a pop quiz. And this is me telling you to put your pencil down because the answer is, you want the one screwing you. Because getting screwed a) still allows for those games in which he doesn’t, and despite a disappointing season, he’s still worth owning in standard leagues and more importantly b) you can’t trade away guys that aren’t playing. Just ask Troy Murphy. As long as Evans averages 17/5/5, he’s tradeable. Grab Francisco Garcia (gently and politely, of course. Dude has a temper) in case the fit hits the shan and Evans bids adieu to you and you and you. Then send out trades like they were late Christmas cards.

Here’s what else I saw last night in fantasy basketball:

Drew Gooden – Missed Monday’s game with plantar fasciitis, not to be confused with missing games because of Planter Fascism, which is where players miss games because government figureheads forced them to eat too many peanuts. Why this would ever happen is beyond me, but what can I say? You were the one confusing the two! Anyway, he won’t be back until at least January 1.

Keyon Dooling – He’s averaging 11/2.5/5.5 in 34 mpg as a starter (including 14.5/4/7 in his last two) while shooting over 90 percent from the free throw line. If Gooden is suffering from Planter Fascism, Dooling has a case of Shot Communism: he’s only making 37 percent of his shots from the field and apparently only wants the free throws, not the throws he has to work for.

Andrea Bargnani – Missed Monday, likely out Tuesday. Start Joey Dorsey if you can. Otherwise, sleep soundly knowing you weren’t reduced to starting Joey Dorsey on your fantasy team.

Gerald Wallace – Will miss “two more games.” That’s the bad news. The good news is that when he returns, Paul Silas is gonna have Crash running wind sprints up and down the floor like he was trying to catch the last train to work. I’ve said before that the Bobcats were flush with quick players playing in a slow offense. Hang onto Charlotte’s top five players for now, they might all show big improvements in the weeks to come.

Tyrus Thomas – 14 points, 5 blks, 6 tov last night and if you told me he’d average this for the rest of the year, I’d believe you. Then I’d adapt it into an O. Henry story.

Stephen Jackson – Scored 23, but lost it nine times. Crikey StackJacks, stack ‘em a little lower, would ya?

Richard Hamilton – After exploding for 35 points in his first game as a reserve, he has since exploded for 15 and nine in the next two contests. That’s more sparkler than bottle rocket, no?

Rodney Stuckey – 6/1/3 as no one told Rodney the Bobcats were gonna actually try last night. Rodney’s not used to teams trying when they play his team.

Trevor Ariza – 13.5/7, with 2.5 steals and a .455 FG%. This is what we hoped he’d do all season. He’s only done it six other times in the previous 31 games. He owes his owners and until he pays off, the juice is still running.

Russell Westbrook – As Durant finally has his groove back, the portrait of Westbrook hidden in the attic has grown older and a bit more haggard. He’s shooting .397 and averaging 19/5 in his last three games.

Dirk Nowitzki – Left after playing just 11:32 minutes. Original reports claimed he hurt his ankle, but Nowitzknee. He might miss a game, maybe two. Don’t let their fair skin fool you, Germans are tough.

Andrei Kirilenko – Speaking of fair skin! It’s that time of the year again where I tell you that Andrei Kirilenko hurt himself. Lower back this time. We should be coming up on a Marcus Camby hurt himself announcement shortly.

Marcus Camby – Hey, whaddya know! Marcus Camby hurt himself after stepping on Paul Millsap like he was a Lilliputian (Milliputian?) Anyway, there was no structural damage and he shouldn’t miss much time.

Hedo Turkoglu – 20/7/5 last night. He’s averaging 13/4/5 for the Magic after averaging 10/4/2 on the Suns. What is Orlando’s strange voodoo making Hedo do so well?

Ryan Anderson – 10/12 Double-double. Settle down. He shot sub-.400 from the floor and is surrounded by guys who play his position. What are the odds he remains the big team breakout?

Wesley Johnson – He sank six treys on his way to sinking the Hornets, who were already sinking just fine without Johnson’s help, thank you very much.

Vladimir Radmanovic – Three steals, a pair of treys and a block against the Sixers and he’s been averaging this all week. For those of you waiting for Carlos Delfino to return, might I point you in Rad-man’s direction?

Amir Johnson – 15/9, followed by two crap games. Then 12/12, followed by three crap games. Then 14/6 followed by his last two crap games. Those non-crap games weren’t non-crappy enough to justify hanging onto him. Drop him like he’s rot.

Linas Kleiza – In the last four games he’s shooting .547 while averaging 21.3/7.8 and 2.5 treys a game. He won’t maintain this forever, but that shouldn’t stop you from digging  in now.

Leandro Barbosa – 0-for-6 from the arc. Threejerk!

At this point, any news involving anyone on the Nuggets can be considered Carmelo news. It’s ‘Melo’s galaxy, everyone else is just orbiting in it, baby! That includes Al Harrington, who left in the first quarter with what was described as a dislocated thumb. Not by Harrington, of course. He described it as, “My Xbox thumb is jacked, man!” This thumb injury, if bad enough, will likely open the door for Chris Andersen to get more burn. The success of that burn, however, largely depends upon Birdman’s willingness to spend less time walking around Denver malls in sweatpants and sunglasses. The injury might also speed up Kenyon Martin‘s re-acclimation into the lineup, which is good, unless taking it slow for the next 10 days is the difference between an 18/8 K-Mart and a “should I be able to taste my kneecap like that?” K-Mart. But aside from playing time, Harrington has been one of the Nuggets up for departure if another team should put up the appropriate pieces to get a Carmelo deal done. The frontrunning New Jersey Nets are likely to part with either Troy Murphy or Derrick Favors in any deal that nets them (see what I did there?) Anthony. It’s hard to guess just how close a deal is to actually being done, but if it’s close at all, perhaps an injury to Harrington tips the scales either into a deal being pushed through or abandoned altogether. As of this posting, definitive answers on Harrington’s thumb aren’t yet available. If he misses significant time, Martin, Andersen, and Shelden Williams all become as relevant as Murphy and Favors, but for very different reasons.

Here’s what else I noticed in fantasy basketball last night:

J.R. Smith -  Earl threejerked the Nuggets (eww!) by going 1-for-9 from the arc. He had 11 boards and thought he was going for the first double-double of the season because no one told him three-point attempts don’t count toward double-doubles.

Andre Iguodala – 3-of-12 from the field, 3-of-10 from the line. He’s playing as if he wants to be traded … to the Wizards.

Daniel Gibson – Boobie be saggin’ with a case of the flu and missed Sunday’s contest. I would be afraid of the flu spreading to other fantasy-relevant players on Cleveland’s roster, but there aren’t any others.

Antawn Jamison – He’s averaging 18.4 ppg as a starter, yet has completely forgotten how to shoot free throws as a member of the Cavaliers (.732 career free throw shooter before moving to Ohio, .584 since).

Anthony Parker – Finally had a “Parker-type game” (21/7/7 with three treys). I’m speaking, of course, of Candace Parker-type game as he distributed a series of fundamentally-sound bounce-passes to Jamario Moon, wore a Lulu Lemon sports bra and isn’t speaking to Shelden Williams right now.

Jonny Flynn – Played the second-best game of the season with 11/4 and he’s still lookin’ rusty. Also, New York’s Ronny Turiaf pronounces his name “roan-ey,” and I’m pulling for Flynn pronounce ‘Jonny’ in a similar fashion. Mostly because I like the idea of there being someone in the NBA with a name that sounds like it belongs to a girl Fonzie dated to get over Leather Tuscadero.

Luke Ridnour – 23/5/6 and a career-high five treys. Clearly the Pinky Tuscadero to Flynn’s Leather.

Darko Milicic – He put up a 4/1/0/2/1 line in 19 minutes and seems as if he’s still suffering from that sore quad, or as the healthy Timberwolves call it, “a gravy train with biscuit wheels.”

Mickael Pietrus – 25 points and five threes in 27 minutes as he was excited to be in L.A., first mistaking Donald Sterling for Jack Nicholson and then mistaking Sterling’s taunts for encouragement. The French are a kind, simple folk. There was no Vince Carter in this game, and Jared Dudley went quiet. I’d stay cold on Pietrus until he heats up a few more times.

Vince Carter – Out for the next week with a case of I’m not leaving Orlando without my Addams Family pinball machine. ETA is New Years Day.

Robin Lopez – Played fewer than 10 minutes due to foul trouble (2/2 with a steal), while Marcin Gortat earned 11/5 and has learned to handhug Steve Nash instead of just high-fiving him.

Luol Deng – Shooting .350 from the field (14-for-40) in his last three games. Numero Nueve sprayed stray Js in 44 minutes of gameplay. Doing worse than Tracy McGray-day.

Tracy McGrady – Played almost 28 minutes and scored almost 28 points … if you consider 15 points close to 28.

Ben Gordon – Err Gordon has scored 11 points in his last two games, while T-Mac has scored three times that. It’s like “Freaky Friday,” but instead of crappy actors, we’ve got crappy basketball players.

Roy Hibbert - Started 1-for-12 on Sunday (finished 5-for-17) and is now 6-for-27 in his last two games. Look at it this way, it can’t get worse than Hibbert scoring on only one of his first 12 shots … unless Hibbert also scored on all but one of your first 12 girlfriends. That would be an example of “it” getting “worse.”

Blake Griffin – Blake Superior averaged 2.6 apg through November, but has averaged 4.1 assists so far in December. I’m loading my shotguns in preparation of the impending apocalypse as I type this.

Baron Davis – Davis’ FG% is very Baronese (.432), but his assists are right where they should be since re-taking his starting spot (7 apg).

Marvin Williams – 16.2/5.8 over the last 10 days. Led the Atlanta frontcourt in minutes last night. Which tells you about how well the rest of the Hawks did.

O.J. Mayo – He’s scored 27, 17, and 17 in his last three games. If he scores anywhere near this in his next game, you’re screwed from plucking him off waivers because he was gone after the third game!

Elton Brand – Eleventh double-double in 29 games after grabbing 17 rebounds and scoring 16 points. He hasn’t grabbed 17 rebounds since Bush was in office. No, the younger Bush. It was three Februarys ago.

Thaddeus Young – 20/7 with a dab of everything else. A little dab’ll do ya. A whoopin’ cough’ll cool ya. But poison ivy, Lord, will make you itch!

Rashard Lewis – 21/12 with four threes in 43 minutes. Hiya ceiling. Have you met expectations? No? Well, it’s just as well, you won’t likely see each other again anytime soon. Blatche and McGee were suspended for the game.

Hilton Armstrong – Grabbed 13 rebounds in over 23 minutes in place of JaVale McGee. He also exploded for six points. Exploded!

John Wall – Returned and looked as silent and awkward as the rookie point guard of a last-place team has every reason to look like. Stash him until he has a hot flash or two. Like, until he’s 60? No, until he gives you a solid outing, or at least is starting over Hinrich.

George Hill – Back to limited minutes (16 on Sunday). But he was 3-f0r-3 from the field (two threes) totaling 11 points. I’d put him back in your lineups deep leaguers. Standard leaguers, give it another game to make sure this wasn’t a fluke.

Tim Duncan – Scored a season-low five points on Sunday and missed double-digits for the 11th time in 30 games this season. Wait until his next big game and see if you can trade him for someone with actual fourth-round value.

Tony Parker - Tied his season-high with 14 assists. He also got a haircut along with Duncan. I love when they do this at the same time because when they stand next to one another, they look like two different sized versions of the same person like Russian nesting dolls. I especially like the idea that Duncan is the medium-sized nesting doll in a set of three.