Telling you to go full throttle on Marvin Williams is like telling you to go rent “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle” on Netflix. Both are stuff from the mid-2000s, both will excite you for a second but ultimately leave you feeling shallow and empty for even that momentary excitement, and both leave one wishing it had more Bill Murray. And speaking of Bill Murray, every day that goes by where he holds out for a better script for “Ghostbusters 3” is a day that makes “Charlie’s Angels,” “Osmosis Jones,” two Garfield movies and “The Man Who Knew Too Little” all the more baffling. But I digress about Murray’s sudden unwillingness to regress. I’d much rather discuss Williams’ sudden aggression, having gone 16/5/2, with a pair of steals and a three. At this point, most teams still have a guy they’re hanging on to because they haven’t identified a better player to drop him for. Those guys are dumbos. Marvin Williams is a Dumbo, a goofy-looking pachyderm with a certain skill set that can be valuable is used correctly. In short, his  12/5/2, with 2 stl/blk/3ptm, solid percentages and almost non-existent turnovers is the kind of value that a) you need and b) is still available in some leagues. And while we’re talking about elephants: “Larger Than Life.” Also not one of Murray’s best. Here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy basketball.

Ivan Johnson – Career-high 21 points in Zaza Pachulia‘s absence. I’ll upgrade Ivan from “the Terrible” to “the Serviceable,” but 21 points ain’t happening again for Johnson this season.

Ben Uzoh – Shot poorly, but ended with 10 rebounds and 8 assists. It doesn’t look like Jose Calderon will be back on Wednesday, so if you’re in a pinch, add a dash of Uncle’s Ben’s converted uzoh.

Alan Anderson – Not only is he hitting two threes a game lately, he also found a way to maximize your 401(k) savings!

Solomon Alabi – Career highs in points and rebounds (8/9) last night. When a guy’s career-highs don’t really do it for you, neither will owning him. Don’t touch him, man. Or put another way, leave him solo, mon.

Nikola Vucevic – Got the bench seat for last night’s game against the Magic. To be fair, that’s better than Spike Lee’s seat, but not quite as good as Nicholson’s seat. To be fairer than before, instead of taking advantage of Orlando’s lack of size, Doug Collins kept up with the tiny Joneses and went small. Vucevic isn’t going to do much more for you this year. Drop him if there’s another filly catching your eye.

Jameer Nelson – Averaging 16/4/7, with 2 3ptm in the month of April, though his .397 FG% is a bit troubling, especially when you consider he is Orlando’s starting PF at this point. Is he not? The team is getting smaller and smaller, so it’s harder to tell.

Daniel Orton – 6/6, and a block in 24 minutes. Big Baby Davis said he planned on returning tomorrow and the magic kingdom shouted “huzzah!” And if an entire kingdom is jazzed about anything Glen Davis does, calling it the happiest place on Earth really is a legit statement. Anyway, go ahead and feed Orton (and Earl Clark) to the dwarves.

J.J. Redick – Didn’t fracture his foot, and grinned in the face of a Spencer Hawes face elbow. Apparently the only structural damage that can affect Redick is that of this team’s roster. Hold ’em if you’ve got him, but don’t expect a smooth ride for the final week of fantasy.

Kevin Love – Officially shut down for the season. Unless he’s a Keeper, he’s not a keeper.

Sundiata Gaines – 11/4/7, with 2 steals in place of Deron Williams. Deron’s losses are Sundiata’s gains.

Gerald Green – 15/3/3, with 2 steals and 3 threes. This counts as top 25 value at this point in the season. Pretty much anyone playing more than 25 minutes a game for three games in a row lands in the the top 30.

Kenneth Faried – Stole the ball once last night and blocked two shots. He’s not good for much else, but if you’re close in either steals or blocks and Faried’s available, you best jump on it, Tonto.

Andre Miller – 25 assists in the last two games, but has only scored in single-digits in five of his last six. IYACYOC! If You Ain’t Cookin’, You Oughta Clean.

Kevin Martin – Didn’t play, but he was available to shoot free throws down the stretch. Which is like saying Drew Brees is not able to throw or call plays, but anytime you need a field-goal setter, he’s your man. Speed Racer might be available for tomorrow’s game to shoot free throws in the final seconds of a game, if FT% is the only category you’re focusing on.

Samuel Dalembert – Blocked seven shots last night in place of the peanut brittle that is Carcass Camby. If blocks is your thing, do whatcha wanna do.

Chandler Parsons – 21/3/3, with 3 steals and a block. Quick! No one’s looking! This is when Parsons does his best work. Get him into your lineup and pray that no one in Houston pays attention for the team’s final three games.

Richard Hamilton – 22/5/5 last night and will probably do the same tomorrow against the Cats. You’ve got three games to go, he’s worth a shot.

Jason Kidd – 10/5/6, with four steals and three threes in 45 minutes of a triple-overtime game. This was a fantastic line for the 94-year-old Kidd (that’s one old-ass kid). And the fact that this line was fantastic is why he shouldn’t be owned before the 100th pick in any leagues next season.

Delonte West – I’m pretty sure Misirlou gave Gordon Hayward a wet willy last night and drew a technical foul because of it. That’s such horse hockey. Jason Terry‘s been giving Roddy Beaubois swirlies all season and nary a word has been spoken of it!

DeMarre Carroll – 15/4/6, with a three and a steal. Don’t just do something! Sit there!

Luke Babbitt – Definitely scored career-highs in scoring with 18. Scoring with 18. Eighteen points. Definitely a career-high in points. Eighteen. Four threes. Equals 12 points of his career-high 18. Eighteen points. Four threes is also a career-high. Points. Threes. Hot water burn baby Babbitt. Wapner.

Steve Nash – Returned to action. Never mind that he played well. All you need to know is that the guy you drafted high back in December remains the guy you hoped he’d be in the final two weeks of the season. Raise your hand if you can say that about the other guy you drafted in the first two rounds of your draft?

  1. Clyde Prompto says:

    Howdy, Adam. Your Nash blurb is dead on. My first 2 picks were Rose and Al Horford. They went nicely with BroLo, Odom and David West. OOF!

    • Adam

      Adam says:

      @Clyde Prompto, No doubt. Let it not go unsaid that this has been a (predictably) terrible year for real basketball. The translation to fantasy basketball has been a four-month race to see who can suck the LEAST.

  2. JohnnyBoy says:

    Just saying, the combo of Gasol, Rondo and Nowitzki have been pleasingly effective for the playoffs (cross my fingers Rondo is okay from the fall today)- The reason I’m in my finals right now (along with some great drafting and waiver wire activity). BTW, anybody else watching the Spurs absolutely eviscerate the Lakers at this moment. It’s not even fair.

    • Adam

      Adam says:

      @JohnnyBoy, Way to jinx the final week of playoffs, JB!

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