Shaquille O’Neal officially signed with the Celtics and forced the slightly younger 2003-version of you to blow a gasket at the prospect of Garnett, Allen, Pierce and both O’Neals playing on the same floor. Never mind their age, has a group of black guys ever had a more Irish-appropriate set of names than the guys I just mentioned? The Big Clam Chowdah agreed to play second fiddle to J.O. until J.O. goes down with an injury or is forced to play second-fiddle to Kendrick Perkins – whichever comes first. Anyway, remember when you dropped Shaq in mid-January after realizing he just wasn’t going to play much for the Cavs? Yeah, take that moment and apply it to his last two seasons in the NBA.

Kendrick Perkins – Hopes to return from a torn ACL by the All-Star Break. When I left home for college, my high school girlfriend and I stayed together. At first she called all the time. Then she called less and I initiated more of the calls. Then I initiated all the calls. The she seemed kind of annoyed when I called. Then dudes would straight-up answer her phone for her and I realized we stopped dating months ago. Kendrick Perkins, allow me to introduce you to two dudes named O’Neal.

Brook Lopez – Laid low by mono, which I’m pretty sure would be the title of the Lopez Bros hip-hop album if Brook were healthy enough to get into the studio and lay down some vocals. He should be fine by the start of the season, but he’ll need to rebuild strength after this. He’ll also be rustier than he would have been running up and down the court during the Olympic trials.

DeJuan Blair – Honey Mustard DeJuan is recovered from his wonky knee or “wonknee” if you’re of Native American heritage and was seen dunking on small children this past week. These drills will come in handy when he gets into an open-court fast break with only Nate Robinson in his way. That DeJuan – he’s prepared for everything.

Shannon Brown – Staying in L.A. Which brings your how many people might potentially start at the SG position for the Knicks down to three. No, wait. Five. Wait. Somewhere between three and six, definitely.

T.J. Ford – Still looks to be the team’s opening day starter. You’re as excited about that as the Pacers are.