I have a dream. A dream that all men and women, representing every race in this marvelous world, will one day unite and make Razzball the most popular website in history. A dream that I will become America’s most infamous fantasy sports writer. A dream that one day, I won’t have to live in this box of a home. A dream that one day my chicken will not look as if she has an eating disorder, as she will be eating the finest chicken feed created. A dream that I was hung like Greg Oden. A dream of people wearing Tehol Beddict t-shirts. A dream of a Tehol Beddict radio show, followed by a Tehol Beddict TV show, a Tehol Beddict biography, and finally a Tehol Beddict movie. Is this too much to ask? I think not readers. I think not.
Last night, Mike Conley earned 13 points, 2 assists, 3 steals, 3 turnovers. Conley continues to underwhelm me with these flaccid performances. For those counting, that’s a 1-1 to assist/turnover rate. This man refuses to excite me but hey, at least his father was able to capitalize on having a talented son with two friends in the same class who made the NBA. What a visionary. Unfortunately for Mike Sr., the most newsworthy story out of all three of them, has been the size of Greg Oden’s penis. Maybe Big Mike can manage Gregory’s porn career because his NBA one is a wrap. Here’s what else happened on MLK Jr. Day in the NBA:
Kobe Bryant – 16 points, 4 rebounds, 5 assists, and 3 TOs. Kobe is missing more money shots than a porn star with a deformed urethra. In watching last night’s game against the Bulls, I became nauseated, mostly due to Bryant’s shot taking. Whether the drug withdrawal played a part in this, I cannot say. What I will say is this; Kobe takes more bad shots than any superstar in NBA history and that I have fully given up hope on the Lakers turning it around. Yes, I bet on the Lakers, and once more they broke my heart. I knew it was you Kobe. You broke my heart. Missing all 6 three pointers and getting Dwight Howard 5 shots for the entire game is simply unacceptable. Absolutely disgraceful. I’m not even gonna dive into the anal rape in Colorado subject. Let’s just move on.
Tyler Hansbrough – 9 points, 8 rebounds and 2 turnovers. in 12 minutes played? If he does this every night and can continue at this pace for 42 minutes, he just might win the MVP award. The odds of this are on par with me gracing the cover of playgirl, posing with my chicken. I’m a grower not a shower, dammit! Still, Psycho-T always seems to put up decent numbers when he gets some minutes, so keep tabs on his situation.
Isiah Thomas – 20 points, 3 assists, 1 rebound, 1 steal, and 4 turnovers. Now fully entrenched as the starter, with the Aaron Brooks signing looking a tragic mistake (big shock), Thomas is a must own in fantasy. Tacoma, Washington’s finest! That’s not saying much as the place is a dump, but hey, it’s home.
Greivis Vasquez – 19 points, 11 assists, 7 rebounds, and 4 turnovers. I’m still trying to figure out why Memphis traded this winner for the likes of Quincy Pondexter, after Vasquez was even more impressive than Greg Oden’s wang in the playoffs 2 years back. The man doesn’t always accumulate his statistics in the most beautiful of ways, but he gets it done and now could be the point guard of the future in New Orleans. Start with confidence.
Jeremy Lin– 4 points, 2 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, and 2 turnovers. Looking on the bright side (which I rarely do), the Lin-dynasty only had 2 turnovers, which may be a record low for him. On the other hand, Lin has fallen off harder than ESPN’s Chris Broussard. Chris, remember the days when you were co-hosting ESPN’s basketball show with Magic Johnson, Michael Wilbon, and the also demoted Jon Barry? Popping Cristal in the club with Magic, even having women pay attention to you for the first time in your life. What Chris, “you thought you was getting girls cuz of your looks?” Now, he’s a sideline reporter like Dorris Burke. That’s what Lin is right now: Dorris freaking Burke. I have faith he will turn things around. Do you?
Marcus Morris – 21 points, 8 rebounds, 2 assists, 1 steal, 2 blocks, 0 turnovers. Nice to finally see some numbers from a guy I believed to be on the rise during summer league play. I mean, how could he possibly be worse than Patrick Patterson? Who’s the better Morris twin now? Only Tehol knows, and I say Marcus. Technically, now you all know too. That’s what I’m here for right?
Michael Kidd-Gilchrist – 9 points, 4 boards, 1 assist, 1 block, and 0 turnovers. The kid is young so I will give him a pass for this season, but frankly I’m stunned Gilchrist hasn’t been better on defense this season. Or rebounding. Or scoring. Basically what I’m saying is that this guy is a colossal failure thus far, as he’s gone in the tank like Josh Hartnett’s film career. Why couldn’t the Bobcats just have gotten the number one pick? Why must my idol, Michael Jordan, have to deal with this peon like mediocrity from his high draft picks year after year? Earl Clark is a better option right now, and I mean that sincerely.
Kemba Walker – 35 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 1 steal, and 4 turnovers. 6/7 on 3 balls? My man Kemba got dirtier than one of Marv Albert’s thongs last night! The young man doesn’t show much consistency, but when he’s on, he’s on.
Derrick Williams – 17 points, 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 block, and 1 turnover. Without Kevin Love in the lineup, it baffles me how D-Will is not the focus of the T-wolves offense. You’re not making the playoffs so at the very least, feed the young man and see if he fits into your future. I’m almost positive Kaaaaaaaahn will trade him for pennies on the dollar like he does everyone with any semblance of talent on his roster. I get on my knees every night in my 8 by 8 foot shack and ask God how Kahn is running an NBA franchise and I’m hardly able to afford chicken feed. When my electricity suddenly went out, I thought it may be a sign, telling me to to move to Minnesota and set up a meeting with the owner. Then I realized I hadn’t paid my electricity bill in 6 months. Will somebody send me some money? Grey? Sky? ANYONE???
Kyle Korver – 14 points, 3 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 turnover. When you are a guard in the NBA you are expected to do one thing and one thing only: Stroke the deep ball baby(except Ricky Rubio), and Korver is one of the best in the business. I read an article today about whether rookie John Jenkins would be the beneficiary of Lou Williams season ending injury, and while that remains a possibility down the road, Korver should see an immediate increase in minutes and shots. A must own, and an Ashton Kutcher look-a-like to boot! Sweet! (speaking of Lou, check back later today for an injury rundown – ed.)
Kris Humphries – 11 points, 13 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 turnovers. Here’s the fantasy monster Humphries we all know and love. He will be a major asset for Brooklyn going forward. Other than the fact Kanyeeezy is pounding out his ex wife, life is pretty good for Kris right now.
Iman Shumpert – 2 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, and 1 steal. Look, I am the biggest Iman Shumpert fan on the planet. Ok, I wouldn’t go that far, but I like the young fellow a great deal. His all around numbers should be ok, but I just am failing to see how he will get the scoring opportunities he so deserves. That, combined with his injury makes him a little risky right now, but I’d probably take a flyer on him.
Chris Paul – 4 points, 9 assists, 2 rebounds, 2 steals, and 2 turnovers. Dear Chris, Don’t ever, ever, ever , evvvvvvvvvvver do that again.
And there you have it. As always, your questions will be answered in a very timely manner as you are of the upmost importance to myself. Tehol Beddict will do whatever it takes to help you win your fantasy title this season as well as improving your life in every way possible. Ask and you will receive my friends. Make this week your bitch, and tell it Tehol Beddict sent you.
