What’s a good playoff intro? Should I do the completely played out Jim Mora thing? “Playofffs? Playoffs? You’re talking about playoffs?” Yea, let’s not do that. Let’s just get to the information you crave in the same fashion Beluga whales do fresh Salmon. My chicken and I have a long day tomorrow of watching Game Of Thrones episodes so I’m gonna cut it short. Here’s what happened this weekend in fantasy basketball:
SATURDAY’S GAMES
Nate Robinson– 25 points and 6 assists. Nasty Nate is taking his opposition’s cocktail…FRUIT with great regularity. Without the Squirrel Master around, there is no stopping this tasmanian devil.
O.J. Mayo– 4 points 4 assists 1/13 from field. The Juice man has faded faster than Rob Lowe’s film career after the 80’s. He was looking to get paid in full this upcoming offseason and now I just don’t see it. Lowe did kill it in Tommy Boy though. No denying that.
Nikola Vucevic- 17 points and 15 boards. Would Philly like to go back in time and take back that whole Andrew Bynum trade? That’s like asking Mel Gibson if he would still make all those phone calls to his baby’s Momma if he knew she was recording them. “You make me wanna smoke. You F#cked my day up……YOU HAVE NO F#CKING SOUL!!!.” I imagine Sixers management has had many conversations like this with Bynum, especially with the way Vucevic has balled out this season. Kudos to you if you own this Euro beast.
Ivan Johnson– 21 points and 10 boards. Johnson plays with the kind of anger and ferocity only before seen when Rosie O’Donnell is on her period. I’ve always deeply appreciated what he brings to the table but unfortunately he is buried behind Al Horford and….and…. I guess that’s it. Get this guy more minutes dammit! Love what the Hawks have done with their roster. Psyche.
MKG– 21 points and 9 boards. Hopefully by the time you read this my stat boy will have told you how many times MKG has scored more than 20 points in a game this season. I’m putting the over/under on 5. I’m highly disappointed with Gilchrist’s rookie season. Let’s hope for a big jump next year. An intriguing add for the end of the season. Intriguing if you are desperate anyway.
Spencer Hawes– 19 points and 6 boards. This white Oak makes my list almost weekly. If it wasn’t for Hawes, Doug Collins may have left his G.M. in the bathtub with his throat slit. We are all witnessing something rarely seen in this day and age. A non-European, white center, doing big time work in the NBA.
Blake Griffin– 12 points and 3 boards. Back to back weeks Griffin has gone gelding on us. I give him mad props for deading jean shorts nation wide, but his statistical output as of late is downright disgraceful. Something I learned in Bora Bora: Don’t worry I’m not going to write about any more she-males. Australians still wear jean shorts like it’s cool. WHITE GUYS!!! We need to get some missionaries out there quick to fix this epidemic.
Thomas Robinson– 0 points and 2 boards. Here’s my annual T-rob update. Remember when he said he was the best player in the draft. hmmmm. Didn’t quite back that up, but hey, there is always next year. God, I hate this guy.
Marc Gasol– 21 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, and 3 blocks. Looks like the superior Gasol bro is fully healthy and back on that euro bullshizz, straight killin it. This young stat stuffer seems primed to finish the season long, strong, and down to get the friction on.
Ricky Rubio– 23 points, 10 boards, and 9 dimes. Pretty Ricky(also name of awesome musical group) is known to get funky when it involves bouncing balls and a bunch of other dudes. It’s too bad he was forced to play with a J.V. squad this season thanks to Kevin Love injuring his hand while masturbating to pictures of Mitt Romney’s wife. I must admit I’ve rubbed myself raw imagining that sweet, mormon bombshell a few times myself. But I always alternate hands so that I don’t hurt myself. THINK KEVIN! THINK!
Serge Ibaka– 16 points, 7 boards, and 8 blocks. I was going to show the link to a pic of an outline of Serge’s wang in a pair of sweat pants, as it was one of the most entrancing things I’ve ever witnessed but I decided against at the last minute. Let’s just say if your girlfriend hooked up with him, you would never feel comfortable naked in front of her again. Look it up some time. Seriously. 8 blocks is big time and Serge will continue to do what he does. Ride him.
Ersan Ilyasova– 29 points and 14 boards. Now I’m quite sure Ersan is packing the same kind of heat/meat Ibaka is, but if we are strictly speaking statistics, I’d much rather own this Euro.
Reggie Evans– 4 points and 16 boards. Were you expecting big Reg to magically continue scoring mass amounts of points? Don’t be ridiculous. He’s a rebounder and that’s it. A big time boarder though. Not a horrible play on your fantasy team.
Mo Williams– 20 points and 4 assists. Moe knows scoring, and for that he deserves praise. So what if the Clippers picked him up for what ended up being the number one pick in the draft? The Clippers got a solid player. Oh, Moe plays for Utah now? That sucks.
Lance Stephenson– 16 points, 6 boards, and 3 assists. I’m truly shocked that Stephenson has managed to stay in the lineup all year and actually contribute. He never does much to wow, but he has nice overall skill set. Play him if you short on guards for the stretch run.
Markieff Morris– 18 points and 4 boards. Chief Kieff let it be known that he’s disgraced by his twin brother’s play by stating “That’s that Sh!t I don’t like.” I like this guy. I don’t know why, but I do.
Dwight Howard– 24 points, 15 boards, and 5 blocks. Is it strange how this former church boy has multiple baby mommas? Some would say it is so. I would say that it is awesome. On a fantasy note, the man is finally producing as expected. Glory Glory!
Tyreke Evans– 21 points, 9 boards, and 6 assists. Evans has the skill set to be an elite fantasy player. Unfortunately, he normally plays with the kind of effort Kim Kardashian showed in her sex tape. You’re better than that Kim. Don’t just lay there like a dead fish. Hopefully, for your sakes, Evans goes harder till the close of the season.
Meyers Leonard– 22 points and 10 boards. Meyers is ” White White Baby” and he’s American to boot. Shocking, I know. Can you expect this to continue? Most likely not, but he may be worth a grab.
Stephen Curry– 39 points, 5 boards, and 6 assists. This little guy packs a big stick. If it’s not obvious I’m speaking metaphorically as it’s obvious Steph can’t be bringing too much excitement to the bedroom. Curry is on a tear and is providing fantasy owners with the kind of pleasure they once only found playing role playing games on the computer. On a side note: I’d love to bump uglies with his Mom.
SUNDAY’S GAMES
Jonas Valanciunas– 18 points, 10 boards, and 2 blocks. Young Valanciunas has officially arrived. One day, with much practicing, he could become Spencer Hawes. And that, my friends, is nothing to sneeze at. Speaking of sneezing, do people still carry handkerchiefs? Disgusting.
Bradley Beal– 24 points and 4 assists. I have a feeling within my ripped abdominals that Beal is going to finish the season on a high note. Be a part of it. Yea, it’s a party. Yeeeeea! Can you tell I’m fading out here?
Kyrie Irving– 31 points and 6 assists. You don’t need me to tell you that Irving is an absolute warrior on the basketball court. I just didn’t want to write about any one else on the Cavaliers pathetic roster.
Greivis Vasquez– 25 points, 9 assists and 3 steals. I’ve been waiting on the explanation from the Grizz on why they traded away Vasquez for a small forward that doesn’t even belong in the league. Very underrated deal, and fantasy owners are reaping all the benefits.
Norris Cole– 13 points and 4 assists. Cole played over 40 minutes and this is all he could produce? I’m disappointed to say the least. Decent player but Miami should have drafted Isaiah Thomas in that draft. Imagine the possibilities.
Tim Duncan– 17 points, 12 boards and 4 assists. Still one of the best in the biz.
Rodney Stuckey– 25 points. This kid is flat out talented and needs minutes. Let’s hope he goes to a team like the Bobcats next season so we can get major production from him on a nightly basis.
Jimmy Butler– 16 points, 4 boards and 5 steals. Looks like a young Jeff Green out there, only with more heart. Ohhhhh, that was cold blooded. Nice addition for your championship run.
Jeff Green– 27 points and 4 boards. There you go Jeff! If only he could do this on nightly basis like his talent level suggests. If only my career as a porn star worked out. They said I was too small……..Try living that down.
Chris Copeland– 22 points and 5 boards. Copeland has some of the goofiest looking game these eyes have ever witnessed. He seems to fit in on these strange Knicks roster but I can’t recommend picking him up unless utterly desperate. The whole dreads and basketball thing never worked for me.
With only week of fantasy basketball left, I hope that I can help you achieve what it is you desire: That trophy. That girl you’ve been eying, or whatever else you may want. As per usual your questions will be answered almost immediately and I look forward to servicing you on the baseball side as well. By servicing, I don’t mean giving blow jobs.
