Every once in a while when my DVR is empty and there are no dead cats in the alley for me to watch the raccoons chew on, I take a slow walk on over to my local post office and do a little pre-holiday shopping for my girlfriend. What holiday? Any holiday. Thatâs the secret to being a good mate, always be ready for the inevitable day in which you totally forgot to show up for some important occasion; birthdays, bat mitzvahs, the birthÂ of your second child. Whatever. You never know. The point is, four out of every five street toughs that steal womenâs purses off the street, dump the emptied bags into a mail box. So if you walk into the post office in a ritzy neighborhood and ask if anyone dropped your wifeâs handbag into a mailbox, the chances of you coming up with last seasonâs Prada are pretty good. Your girlfriend, âThe dayâs almost over and you havenât wished me a happy birthday. Did you forget?â You, âHeck no, honey! I was just waiting for the perfect time to present you with this new handbag.â Your girlfriend, âWhy is there a slightly used billfold in here with someone elseâs monogram on it?â You, âWho calls a wallet a billfold? What are you, 80 years old? Iâm going to bed!â Anyway, the point is that you gotta know where to look to get good stuff on the cheap, or at least know how to ask. Dwight Howard said earlier this week that he wants to stay with Orlando, but will definitely become a free agent instead of signing an extension. Thatâs how to ask. Now itâs up to Orlando to know where to look to get good stuff on the cheap.
Hereâs what else is going on in offseason fantasy basketball:
Yao Ming – His ankle is reportedly only 30 percent healed. He hasnât played in well over half a year and Yao has said he needs to be at least 80 percent to play. By that math, itâll be January before heâs 60 percent and April before heâs at 80 percent. By April 2012, heâll have missed 17 months of basketball and still wonât be 100 percent. I love Yao. Big love for a big lug, but thereâs no chance Iâll ever enjoy watching him play basketball again. You know how when someone describes a terrible injury they suffered and you suddenly feel phantom pains in the same area of your body? Thatâs how I feel just thinking about Yao.
Greg Oden â Geesh! Speaking of guys I cringe just thinking about: Oden wonât test his knee in a game until November. No preseason, no Opening Day, but the worst sign here is that EMOden is being referred to as a client. Nothing good comes from athletes being called clients. Â
Baron Davis â Despite reports that Cleveland is shopping Davis and Ramon Sessions hard this offseason, Byron Scott said that Baron Von D. will be his starting PG come Hell or high water next season. This suggests that a) hell already came, and Cleveland is hoping to see what high water is like, b) Scott might not have any idea what heâs talking about, which would be totally fitting for this franchise, c) Kyrie Irving wonât be worth a whole lot fantasy-wise next season until Davis injures himself in January, and d) I donât have anything else, but I didnât put âandâ before âc)â so I felt I had to keep going. Thatâs my bad.
Ty Lawson â The Nuggets want Tyny Lawson to shoot more next season. He shot the ball 11 times a game last season and we loved him for it. If he shoots more than 14 in 2012, Iâm tattooing âTynyâ on my junk. Wait âŚ let me rethink this one.
Danilo Gallinari – George Karl said he expects Gallinari to âget more responsibility” next season. Iâm assuming this means heâs getting put on dish duty. Look for the Rooster to have dishpan hands come December.
Brad Miller – Had microfracture surgery on his left knee a couple weeks back and wonât likely return to the court until January, which is great news if youâre Chuck Hayes and terrible news if youâre a squirrel within shooting distance of the front porch swing Miller will likely be relegated to âRear Windowâ-style all autumn. You may go back to planning on not drafting him.
Chris Kaman â After jabbing the Caveman by stating it was making DeAndre Jordan the priority at center next season, the Clippers followed with the âOh-yeah-we-are-also-interested-in-acquiring-Andre-Iguodala-for-Kamanâ flurry of punches. Kamanâs a lame duck in L.A. Heâs like Misha Barton, only prettier. On the bright side, Boston needs some meat in the middle becauseâŚ
Nenad Krstic – Signed a two-year deal with CSKA Moscow. Iâm telling you this because otherwise you would never have known.
DeShawn Stevenson â Arrested for public intoxication. I really hope someone called the cops and that the cops asked if the man they were calling about had any distinguishing marks. You know, like a large mole, birthmark, or tattoos of Abraham Lincoln on their jugular?