Greetings! It is I, Tehol Beddict. Becoming internationally known for my scripture in the football section this past season, I was crowned league champion of all the fantasy experts, which has been a humbling experience. Behold, I come to you now, bearing massive quantities of basketball knowledge, to provide you with the insight you need to win your league title this year, as well as providing some humor along the way. I’ve been reading many posts from people I once respected, about how the NBA is a terrible sport for many idiotic reasons, and frankly I’m disgusted. These are the greatest athletes in the world, playing one of the two greatest sports. What’s the next best thing to playing in the NBA you might ask as you sit there deciding whether to keep reading my post or stream some interracial porn? Fantasy basketball my friends. Fantasy F-ing basketball. Let’s get it on.
J.J. Barea– 21 points, 3 rebounds, and 5 assists. Oh Minnesota, how I miss thee. Went to a rehab there once, which is where I learned that incentives are good. Speaking of incentives, I pleasure myself nightly to J.J.’s wife, while my chicken curiously watches, and I was pondering the possibility of his this gorgeous creation offering Barea a threesome if he dropped 20 tonight. A man can dream right? Why is Luke Ridnour still on this roster? How David Kaaaaaaaaaaahn, the Wolves G.M, is getting paid millions, having affairs with 23 year old women, and living in mansions, while I live in this outhouse sized shack really makes me contemplate suicide.
Emaka Okafor– 19 points, 11 boars, 2 assists, and 1 block. Okafor has at last proven to be the player Orlando should have drafted over Dwight Howard. Embarrassing the team that passed on him by showing a vast array of moves that would make even Hakeem Olajuwon envious, Okafor led his team to a stunning victory over the powerhouse Magic. The Wizards are finding the zone and have an oak solid 7 victories. If you believed a solitary thing I just wrote, come on out to my shack and I’ll lace you with a Sebastian Janikowski kick to the sack. Even so, not a dreadful option if desperate. When is the center position being extracted from fantasy basketball?
Avery Bradley– 16 points, 1 board, 1 assist, and 2 blocks. Uh oh, Avery’s having a block party ya’ll! Bring the kook-aid and the squirt guns and I’ll arrive with the hood rats. Speaking of hotties, a friend of mine’s sister has been “dating” Bradley for years. You truly have to respect jersey chasers and the hard work and dedication they put in. It’s an honest to God art form. My absolute favorite story is hearing about these women poking holes in the condom through the wrapper. Better double bag it fellas. Seriously though, I love Bradley’s upside in all facets of the game, with steals being his specialty. I know he didn’t have any tonight. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? It’s like raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain, on your wedding daaaaaaay. Ok, I’ll stop now. My apologies. Beautiful song though. It’s almost impossibly hard for me to fathom that the studley Ryan Reynolds used to beat those cakes.
Arron Afflalo– 2 points, 2 boards, 3 assists, and 1 steal. Afflalo’s baking a loaf of bread and I think it’s sour dough. No, he didn’t have a yeast infection that I was made aware of, but he most certainly performed as if that were the case. Hopefully it clears up shortly and he goes back to his usual solid self(for our sake and his own).
John Jenkins– 2 points, 2 boards, 3 assists, and 1 denial. Thus far, I’m failing to comprehend why Atlanta drafted this supposed long range specialist in the first round. Oh yea, Danny Ferry is the G.M. You’re wondering why I even included a guy who barely played. Hold on guys: You just assumed he hardly played based on his disgraceful numbers. What makes this truly special, is that Jenkins did this in 31 minutes of play, including going 1-9 from the field. He looks like a real spark plug for Atlanta’s future. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug(get used to that joke).
Eric Bledsoe– 14 points, 3 boards, 4 dimes, 2 thefts, and a block. Bledsoe got the start with CP3 nursing an injury and let us down a little. I was hoping to see a full on eruption of Ron Jeramy proportions, alas he only was able to play 28 minutes since the legend that is Vinny Del-Negro coached his squadron to a blowout over Memphis on the road. And hey, I won money on the game so I’m not gonna complain. Did I mention I’m a degenerate gambler? I would be much obliged for any inside tips. Come on down to the meth lab and we’ll make a trade.
Elton Brand– 20 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, and 1 steal. I love the talent Dallas has accumulated this offseason. Obviously that was a lie, but Brand has been a pleasant surprise. Would like to see him on a contender, but hey, then he wouldn’t be fantasy relevant so there’s that chestnut.
Gordon Hayward– 22 points, 2 boards, and 4 assists. Hayward has been somewhat of a fantasy enema for the Utah Jazz since being drafted out of Butler. Wait, sorry, I was Alec Burks. The aforementioned snowflake Hayward, has been a fantasy enigma, as we keep hoping he breaks out one day. Most American born white guys tend to not, but I like his game. Keep an eye on this handsome young fellow.
This concludes my first post in the basketball section. Feels like I’ve been devirginized all over again. Not like it was in prison, but you know, with a hot babe. Or in my case, a 20 dollar hooker. Remember when I wrote about double bagging it? Whoops, the joke was on me. Anyway, I look forward to a fantastic season with you all and I will be responding to all questions very quickly. Twitter or in the comment section, it doesn’t matter really. Good luck this week.
