Greetings all. It is I, Tehol Beddict, and I come to you humble and on my knees, for I made a grave error in this past week’s post. No, I’m not offering you a blumpkin. The intent was to make up for my past omission of Byron Mullens on my list. I was chastised by a reader in the comment section last week for not mentioning this sweet shooting 7-footer, and I responded in a condescending manner. Who am I to belittle someone? I live in a shack with my chicken and a bed sheet is my daily attire. Who’s shack I’m squatting in I have no idea, but it’s greatly appreciated. Anyway, the aforementioned Mullens has been on a hot streak to rival even AJ McCarron’s girlfriend’s run. I want to pull a Nik Richie and say how she just doesn’t do it for me, but I just can’t lie to the people like that. That girl is hella crackin, ya’ll! She’s so fine she made Tehol use ebonics! Is the dirty.com still going strong? Either way, ‘Sir Byron” dropped 25 points going 4/5 from 3 point land, a ridiculous 18 boards, and somehow found the time to drop 4 dimes. Is there nothing this man can’t do? How are the Thunder feeling right now? I won’t get into all the embarrassingly horrific centers the Thunder have drafted over the past decade (that would take an entire post), but Mully was one they regretfully gave up on too soon. Oh what could have been. Now let’s take a look at what else happened last night in the world of the NBA. Enjoy.
Chris Paul– 21 points, 2 boards, 11 assists, 5 steals. For those of you tormented by sleepless nights, wondering if CP3 would return to form after being injured, you may now stop snorting Ambien and sleep like a baby. Unless that is, you are trying to quit smoking and forget to take off your patch. If you like vivid sexual encounters or seeing yourself die a grisly death, I suggest you pick up smoking until you become utterly addicted, then use the patch to quit. It’s an experience like no other. Paul is back and I’ll be right back after I jog to 7-11 to steal some nicotine patches.
OK, I’m back.
Nick Young– 29 points, 2 boards, 5 assists, 3 steals. This kid always has been and seemingly always will be a certified gunner. Young more than likely will never be on a championship caliber team, but who cares, this is fantasy for God’s sakes. Jason Richardson is done for the year and Evan Turner is back to playing like the shook peon we all know and love, so my boy Dougie Collins will ride Young for as long as he stays hot. Not a bad pick up. Remember when Doug had the bleach blond hair? Good times.
Jeff Green– 18 points, 4 boards. Green is now genuinely rounding into form and becoming the player I believed he would be for the Celtics this season. Right now, he’s what I like to call P.H.A.T. That’s “Pretty Hot and Temptin” to the lapers.
Luke Ridnour– 21 points, 4 boards, 3 dimes and a steal. Wow, now that’s a throwback Sonics performance. The T- wolves seem to still be attempting to win with 4 point guards playing major minutes and that’s without Johnny Flynn. Where are you sweet Johnny boy. We miss you, or at least I do. I’m puzzled by pretty much everything Minnesota does, but Ridnour has the ability to put up decent numbers here and there.
Luke Walton– 0 points, 0 boards, 4 assists. How Walton is still in the NBA is more mind blowing than Beyonce still being offered movie roles. Her performance in Austin Powers almost single-handedly ruined the picture for me. “LUUUUUUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.” Hey at least Luke’s Dad Bill is back announcing college basketball. Or has he been announcing college for years? I wouldn’t know as I hardly watch college. Either way, Bill is a truly enthralling speaker to say the least, as he gave me one of the most enjoyable television experiences of my pitiful life. That man, my good people, is a star and belongs on the biggest stage . His son however, most certainly does not.
Reggie Evans– 8 points, 22 boards, 1 steal, and 2 blocks. With “The Humpster” possibly on the way out, Evans could put up some electric rebound numbers. If you need some help cleaning the glass, Evans is your man. Ever try huffing Windex? I don’t recommend it.
George Hill– 22 points, 6 assists, 4 rebounds, 1 steal. Hill continues to silence his naysayers as he just goes about his business on the way to another solid year, starting for the talented Pacers. Oh wait, Hill doesn’t really have naysayers. Nobody really speaks about him at all. All the better for you. We are like those two guys who live the high life hanging out with Justin Beiber. They drive his lambo and and have sex with his leftovers. Beibs and George Hill are both winners in my book and I’ll have intercourse with their leftovers any day of the week.
Al-Farouq Aminu– 12 points, 14 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks. Farouq has been making his haters choke as if they were wolfing down tube steak like a horny Elton John. Chewy meat, tube steak is. I’d much rather feast on some spotted dick. Aminu is finally playing like the lottery pick he once was and was a nice get for New Orleans and would also be a nice fit on your fantasy team. Kudos to you if you grabbed him months ago.
Jose Calderon– 13 points, 4 rebounds, 9 assists and 4 steals. Calderon is known to get funky when it involves a man and balls. Or is that men and a ball? However you want to put it, this Latin heartthrob is making the ladies swoon and his fantasy owners jizz in their pants.
Kawhi Leonard– 26 points and 4 rebounds. One of the last men on earth with cornrows, Leonard has the ability to be a true stat stuffer. Too bad he plays for the Spurs. Booooooooring.
Carlos Boozer– 14 points and 8 boards. Is “the Booze” packing it in now that he’s hearing Chicago wants to move him? It must hurt knowing that your team is a semi-contender and it is mulling over the thought of dumping you for Andrea Bargnani. Funny, I thought Andrea was a female name. Did Rebecca Lobo get a sex change, pick up a new language while playing overseas, and become Bargnani? That’s besides the point. The point being that Boozer is so shook right now about being dealt north of the border, that we just can’t trust his play to be at it’s highest peak. Will Booze be able to acquire his hair spray in Canada or is it illegal there? That subject wasn’t not touched on enough. I’ll try and devote more time to it next week. Moving on.
Monta Ellis– 24 points, 7 boards, 8 assists, 6 steals and a block. Ellis blocked out the trade rumors and played with the intensity of a starving anteater unleashed on bug farm. Do they still make those things? Disgusting.
Josh Smith– 26 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists, and a steal. Smith pulverized the box score with the same tenacity, gracefulness and pure force I gave Kate Upton on what was unquestionably the most memorable night of her life……Sorry, I drifted off and had my nicotine patch on. It wasn’t real. I hate my life. Upton is freakishly titillating, wow. Like raunchy hot. There isn’t a thing she could proposition that I wouldn’t do. Now picture myself, Kate, my chicken, some icy-hot, 6 mollys, a 112 CD, and 2 gerbils at a room in the best western and pleasure yourself. Done? Welcome back. Now let’s finish this post.
Dirk Nowitzski – 24 points and 7 boards. I love da Germans and that includes Dirk. His reunion with fantasy glory could be more exciting than that of Chris Brown and Rihanna, though Dirk didn’t almost beat us to death in a vehicle.
Tis all for this week people. As always your questions and comments are most appreciated and will be responded to in a prompt manner. Beddict out.