NBA TV will now take you live to the 2030 NBA Hall of Fame induction ceremony, where legendary Miami Heat center Hassan Whiteside is taking the podium …
“Thank you friends, family, Crockett, Tubbs, members of the Miami Sound Machine not named Gloria Estefan, and all of you who came out today. And what an honor it is for me as a basketball player to have the all-time great and fellow Hall of Famer Chris Bosh presenting me here tonight. I kind of wish we hadn’t drank a whole case of Bosh’s “Make It – Take It” Dogfish Head beer last night, but dang that’s some good stuff! In all seriousness though Chris, I love you like a father, like a big daddy praying mantis. You’re the best.
I’ve been a King, a Bighorn, a Viper, a Blue Whale, a Monkey King and a Grizzly… I’ve been Energy, Heat and part of a Skyforce and a Thundering Herd. I’m proud of every organization I’ve played for. No I’m not. But still those are some pretty wacked names eh? A lot more exciting than “Warriors, Lakers, Bucks,” amIright?
When I started thinking about what I would say on this momentous occasion, I sifted through the many memories … playing with Bosh and Dwayne Wade … escaping Sacramento, aka DeMarcus Cousins’ Crazy Town Express, averaging a double-double in my breakthrough 2014-2015 campaign … making ten straight all-star games starting in 2015-2016. Winning the 2020 NBA title with my homeboy Jahlil Okafor – shout-out Jah! And thank you Sam Hinkie, you moron! Your 10-year rebuilding program in Philadelphia really worked wonders for Miami and every other team that poached your frustrated young players.
Actually, thinking back to that ’15-’16 season, that was really the start of it all for me. I remember how fantasy ballers doubted me. Maybe it was because I had been a late second-round pick of the Kings in 2010, then ended up in the D-League, Lebanon, China, Lebanon, China and the D-League again. Then after busting out of nowhere to put up 11.8 ppg, 10.9 rpg and 2.6 bpg in 48 games in 2014-2015, I had kind of a meh preseason the next year, kind of slipped in fantasy drafts and didn’t really have a great first two games of the season. The whole fantasy world freaked and I was sold low by dumb owners everywhere!
After an Oct. 30 game at Cleveland, I started going nuts in November, averaging 17.6 ppg, 12.2 rpg and 4 bpg during the first week of the month.
I mean, hosting “Saturday Night Live” in 2018 was great, and being in “Space Jam 8” with LeBron James was amazing, and winning the title in 2021 was incredible, but that was probably the pinnacle.
So thank you to the voters for inducting me based on whatever weird, nebulous metric you use to arbitrarily induct people at random, thank you to the members of Exposé for reuniting and singing the National Anthem before Game 7 of the 2021 NBA Finals, to Erik Spoelstra and Pat Riley, for having brains when everyone in the Kings organization did not, and to fantasy basketball owners who kept their faith in me … now I’m getting emotional … Some 18 years ago I left Sacramento, California with a messed up tendon and a dream to become a player for a relevant NBA basketball franchise. I THANK GOD THAT DREAM CAME TRUE.”
Andre Drummond – I don’t want to toot my own horn – not that I’ve ever tried that, that’s weird – but on Nov. 2, B-N-B put forth the theory that perhaps separating Drummond from Greg Monroe had unlocked his inner Moses Malone. The next day, he put up a beastly 25 points and 29 boards, then put up 29 points and 27 boards last Sunday against Portland. He’s nearly averaging a 20-20 on the year. I’m not saying, I’m just sayin’.
Brandon Knight – The 6-3 Suns guard is a turnover machine but he’s also been surprising with the snuffs of late, turning away four shots in his last three. Always nice to know you can get a little extra out of a dude if he’s somehow involved in a trade.
Frank Kaminsky – More like Kastinksky. How can you stand 7-feet tall yet only have seven rebounds TOTAL and no blocked shots in six games. One day, he will be hoisting an NBA championship trophy as a backup center for the San Antonio Spurs. Until that day, I don’t know what this goofy lookin’ fool is.
Kevin Durant – You don’t need me to go over his return to greatness in the scoring and shooting percentages categories or the fact that his turnovers are down. But what about them blocks! He’s averaging 1.4 bpg on the year, which would be a career high for a whole season.
Roy Hibbert – After three-straight vintage Turd-at-Halfcourt type games from the Hibbs, he managed an 18-10-2 line on Sunday in New York. Keep in mind, it was against the softy Knicks. Maddening to own, I would watch for a string of good games and then look to pawn him off on some dumb Lakers fan in your league.
Pau Gasol – Does anyone like owning Gasol? I don’t, but dang I wouldn’t mind having a guy who gets double-doubles all the time and fills up the stat sheet with steals, blocks, etc. He had six blocks against the Sixers last night, which reminds me: If you need blocks, stream shot-blockers against the Sixers. Jakarr Sampson and Jerami Grant are locks to be embarrassed at the rim at least twice a game.
Timofey Mozgov – It’s Garbage Day, Part 2. Another stiff, like Hibbert, whose ownership numbers are up because of where they play or who they play with. In real life, he fits the Cavs just fine; in fantasy, he doesn’t get enough minutes to really be a factor. Dump!
I was starting to wonder if he would ever stop playing like a cream puff.
Anthony Davis – Feels weird to complain about somebody averaging “only” 9.3 rpg and “only” 2.8 bpg who is only two games removed from a 43-10-3. But this is The Brow we’re talking about here. I guess we all thought he was going to be a monster on the glass, but maybe we thought wrong.
T.J. McConnell – Averaging 4.7 rpg and 7.6 apg as the Sixers starting point guard, and has four blocks in his last two. Did I mention he’s a point guard? He’ll stay in the starting five, at least until Tony Wroten and/or Kendall Marshall come back. Because why leave a guy in there who is doing well? We don’t want to win dammit!
Jordan Hill – Rebounds League Special: Making the most of his minutes in Indy, Hill is averaging 3.4 offensive boards per game, good for 9th in the NBA. And he’s out there in most leagues.
Dwight Powell – Why did the rebuilding Celtics throw this dude into the Rajon Rondo trade? Over the last three, he’s nearly averaging a double-double in just 25 minutes or so per game. Per 36 minutes, he’s averaging 18 ppg, 12.7 rpg and 1.1 bpg. Pick him up now.