Minnesota’s Darko Milicic has a 3.6 PER and an ORtg of 58 despite averaging nearly 23 minutes per game to start the season. I honestly didn’t know either of those statistics could get that low. I thought I could walk out onto a pro court wearing a sumo suit and ice skates and earn better than a 3.6 PER. That’s like earning a zero on a quiz on which the teacher is awarding two points for writing your name. The no. 2 overall pick in the 2003 draft is getting paid $5 million this year to do that. The frustration level of the situation was enough to pierce even the thick shell of Minnesota’s ignorambis. The ignorambis is any coaching or management staff making boneheaded personnel decisions despite everyone around them telling them not to. Exhibit A: Milicic. Unbelievably, there are rational whispers that Milicic is getting punted back to the bench, while Kevin Love and Michael Beasley shift to make room for Anthony Tolliver in the starting lineup. Tolliver, in two fewer minutes than Milicic, has a 127 ORtg and a 17.7 PER. Although I’m not suggesting anyone outside of deep leagues pick up AToll now before he forms a coral ring around the starting SF spot, I am suggesting you keep an eye on him and drop Milicic faster than a bag of bricks falls from a helicopter.
Here’s what else happened around the league yesterday:
Shaquille O’Neal – The rotating center position in Boston keeps a-turnin’ as Shaq’s geezer knees (kneezers?) have laid him low just in time for Jermaine O’Neal‘s knees to step in and take starting minutes. If that doesn’t work, get ready for Glen Davis to enter the starting five. This entire situation should surprise you no more than the average revolving door.
Antawn Jamison – He’ll probably be out of the lineup due to a sore knee. Get your knees right, NBA! Until he returns, Hickson’s your pick, son.
Rudy Fernandez – RuFer shot 0-fer from behind the arc (0-for-6) and 30 percent from the floor. Three-jerk!
LaMarcus Aldridge – Scored 33 points on 19 shots, with nine boards … and nothing else. He never scored more than 32 last season. Put that in your pipe and look like a douche while smoking it.
Taj Gibson – Chicago’s favorite blues trombonist has been limited to 21 mpgs so far because he’s averaging five fouls a game. Unless there’s a real solid choice on your waivers, hang on to him for a few more games to see if he blows this foul tendency. You see what I did there? Blow? Trombonist?
Luol Deng – 40/4/2. Benchslapped! If he’s gonna average 11/2/0.5 to start the season, he’s got to give owners a little warning before he quadruples that output and sets a career-high in points. Maybe this game is that little warning. Dang is right.
John Wall – The D.C. rookie sprained his ankle on Sunday but no one reported it, probably because he’s still likely to play tonight. So if an ankle sprains and no one is around to report it, does it make an impact? We’ll find out soon enough.
Gilbert Arenas – Probably won’t debut on Tuesday. If you own Gil, keep him benched. If you own Wizards tickets to the next few home games, congratulations on possibly owning a ticket to a Wall-less, Gil-less, Blatche-run throwback to last year!
Zach Randolph – His tailbone is bruised but doctors said it wasn’t fractured. I fractured my dog’s tail once and he pooped in my bed the next day. I’m not saying there’s a connection here, I’m just not over the shock of sleeping in poop. If Z-Bo misses any more games, it’ll only be one or two.
Tiago Splitter– Made his debut to the tune of 2/2 and a steal. Popovich said he’d play Splitter for five minutes in the first half and five in the second. He played 5:12 in each half. What have we learned? Popovich is full of shit.
George Hill – Got flipped in the air attempting a layup and hurt his trapezius (the muscle tumblers and circus folk love best) and didn’t return.
Baron Davis – Out of the lineup with a sore left knee (NBA knees!). That’ll happen when you rely so heavily on your legs to heave long, inaccurate bricks.
Eric Bledsoe – Played nearly 40 minutes in his NBA debut subbing for Davis and dropped a .360/1/9/5/3/4/2/3 line. Deep leagues – go after him. Shallower leagues, monitor him as closely as a shifty pre-teen in the porn section of a magazine stand.
Eric Gordon – Sank 23 points, but also doled out a career-high 11 dimes. I said it yesterday, but seriously, everybody is friggin’ averaging double-digit assists this season. If this were baseball, I’d assume players were injecting steroids directly into their selflessness.
DeMar DeRozan – Tied his career-high with 24 points on 7-for-12 shooting in 32 minutes. Still no threes after three games, but for now I’m willing to stop and smell DeRoses.
Donte Greene – DNP-CD. Donte’s Not Participating – Cut Donte.
