Perhaps the funniest catch phrase I made up with my buddies while watching the NBA through college -“Wahhhhhh I’m Jarrett Jack!” – can be used in so many instances. It’s like Brian Dennehy’s speech about how versatile the F-Bomb is when he played Bobby Knight in an ESPN movie. Whomever greenlit that idea, airing a movie with constant F-Bombs on ESPN2, is probably fired. He’s like, “Don’t fire me! Wahhhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhhhhh, I’m Jarrett Jack!” I use this phrase because every time I seem to watch him, he looks so so sad. And just look at the cover screen grab for the Yahoo recap from the game last night! So after Kyrie Irving flexed his guns too hard, Jack had three starts of very uninspiring ball. Mike Brown sat him down and said he needed more from him. The veteran responded, “Wahhhhhhhhh I’m Jarrett Jack!” Then last night rolled around with the Knicks rolling out Raymond Felton to play defense. Seriously, it’s like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with the blueberry chick. The only difference is Felton actually ate the meals and didn’t chew the LSD-laced gum! After a minute or two, Felton was winded, and went “Wahhhhhhhh, I have to guard Jarrett Jack!” Jack lit up the terrible Knicks D for 31/5/10 with a trey and a side of whoopass. Finally kicking it into gear as the starter, Jack has a four-gamer cooking up for week two of the playoffs, with my eye eagerly on Wednesday at the awful Pistons. It doesn’t really matter who he’s playing, pretty much a must own. Of course, in all my leagues where I’m still alive, he was already snatched up. “Wahhhhhhhhh, I’m Jarrett Jack!” Here’s what else I caught over the weekend in NBA action:
J.J. Hickson – Torn ACL and out for the year. He’d been tapering off for a while, and gives a big opportunity to Healthcare.Mozgov. Good thing Hickson was covered to get his MRI. Just kidding of course, but I do find it funny how many Healthcare.gov commercials I’ve seen pandering to basketball players. We’ll just leave it at that, don’t need to get this too serious! Timofey Mozgov is a solid pickup for the upside in virtually all leagues.
Tony Wroten – Hurt his ankle early over the weekend and missing more time. You all know how I love Wroten, but I’m cutting where I have him. Wire She Wroten.
Pau Gasol – “Nicolas Cage wagered – and your podium’s gone…” “I dunno what happened, I’m confused!” Well, I guess I shouldn’t make jokes since Gasol was taken to the hospital after getting dizzy and nauseous. Welcome to being a Lakers fan! Dammit, I said no more jokes! Got three liters of fluid pumped in his veins as apparently he was more dehydrated than a bender with Hunter S. Thompson.
Jose Calderon – Elbowed in the face. Not a good night for our Hispanic NBA players… Could we see a mask? If Calderon has to don a mask, I’m calling him Zorro.
Jameer Nelson – Still hurt. I’ve fought for him a few times throughout the year. Loved the dimes, liked the treys. Nothing spectacular and a little underrated. But it all ends now – cuttable in all shallower leagues during the playoff push.
Russell Westbrook – Tweaked his knee and is missing a game this week according to reports. Thankfully it’s just one and he can pick and choose apparently. At least he’s getting the most of the night before he dies young…
Kevin Love – Beasssssst. I wonder how many teams directly won their playoff matchups on this sendoff Sunday monster. 36/14/9/2/0 with three treys. Along with Anthony Davis, I think both PFs have vaulted into top-5 territory for drafts next year.
Ricky Rubio – Whoa! Shot 7-12 including 2-4 3PTM for 19/4/9/3/0. Finding some offense at the right time.
Gerald Green – Yup – is what a figured. “He is what I thought he was!” 14/1/2/1/0 with two treys, and solidly in ThrAGNOF territory.
DeMarre Carroll – Along with Jodie Meeks, piled up 11 steals (5 and 6 respectively) last night. The Carroll/Meeks Eleven. They want to knock over a casino.
Pero Antic – Showing some flashes. Both of fantasy-usefulness and utter-awfulness. 4/10/3 in 26 minutes is pretty good, but 1-6 with 4 TOs from a C is not. Turning the ball over way too much and is as cold as the Yugoslavian winter.
Jordan Hill – Started, and with Pau Gasol taken off by an ambulance, Mike Doh-toni actually had to play him big minutes. Two straight big games now, with a career-high last night of 28 Pts with 13 boards and a swat. Worth the spec add in most leagues, but it’s playing with fire as we all know.
Ryan Kelly – Rather have Hill right now, might change tomorrow, might be neither by Thursday. So annoying. D’Antoni didn’t push Larry Drew too hard for the worst NBA Coach Razzie, but the fact he got over a third as many votes is pretty comendable!
Victor Oladipo – Back to the RainbOladipo we know and love! 21/5/1/2/0 with two treys and the awful 8 TOs. In non-TO leagues next year, man, he’s gonna be a really flashy pick.
John Wall – Yikes. 15/3/4/3/1 is pretty solid, but 8 TOs? Pretty ugly game from one of your main guys. Too bad he couldn’t channel his Kentucky energy after that upset! I had that one too! Clyde did not… Haha sorry Clyde, had to mention your busted bracket :). Shout out to our Razzball Pool leader Yuguete Nothin’ and Like It leading the pack with 46 Pts. I’m not too far behind with 43 though! And should have more, refs really hosed Chapel Hill.
Ramon Sessions – After proving he might be the best player on this team, gets relegated to only 20 minutes after a major injury to Nate Wolters thinned out the guards. Still went 13/5/6. Erstwhile, the poppycock that is O.J. Mayo goes for 21. I might just avoid all Bucks updates for the rest of the year, I’m so angry.
Sacramento Kings – All your studs absolutely go off. Because it’s against the effin’ Bucks.
Shaun Livingston – Not going to go off in any one area, but another productive stat-filler line of 12/7/1/3/0 shooting 4-4 FG 4-4 FT and no TOs. Pretty much eight straight really useful games.
Samuel Dalembert – The Haitian is back to Sensationing! 12/15 with a ridiculous 7 swats. 5 were on Mason Plumlee, who channeled that negative energy from Duke. Before the game, Plumlee was crying and had a big collection of Mercer voodoo dolls. Dalembert’s Jobu took that negative energy, and… OK, I’m too far with this, Plumlee is young and got a little lesson from a big boy vet.
Devin Harris – With Zorro out after the elbow to the nose, 40 minutes for 11/7/6. Interesting in even shallower leagues for a spot start if Zorro misses a game.
Next Game: Highlights for BKN @ NOP. Man, some high-flying action between Brow and Plumlee! Plumlee should be eager to bounce back from being Haitian Sensationed. I hope everyone is pumped for a huge week 2 of the playoffs, and if you’re still reading anyway after getting knocked out, I’m throwing you a hypothetical beer! Drink up on me!