We’ve all heard the snarky comment, those who can’t do, teach. Well, those who can’t play basketball play Small Forward. Now, both of those statements are not entirely true, and I’m really just being hateful. There are some great Small Forwards, but this position gets really weak really fast. As you digest our 2012-2013 fantasy basketball rankings, remember that Small Forward is a position you need to grab early or suffer the consequences. It’s sort of amusing that James and Durant are the top ranked PLAYERS out of all of the positions, but the position itself makes me verp.
The first tier, without question, includes LeBron James and Kevin Durant. This tier is called “Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts.” It really doesn’t matter which one you grab. “But, Chris, I’m a girl. A straight girl” So? I’m a hetero guy and I’ve enjoyed Richard Gere’s ass.
3. Carmelo Anthony – See top twenty for 2012 fantasy basketball for Carmelo Anthony’s projections. Anthony is his own tier, which is called “ScarJo’s bra.” If you can’t get the big two, here’s your bronze medal. After this, we drop down a bit to…
4. Rudy Gay – This tier, “Mirtazapine,” runs through Paul Pierce. It’s called Mirtazapine because I can be happy taking these guys. Speaking of happiness, I’m gay (in the non-sexual way) for Rudy. He’s young, consistently productive, and well balanced. In a crappy position, he shines brighter than most. If I had one fault against him, it would be the high turnover rate, but that can swing either way and it’s not even a real consideration. Projections: .463 fg/.790 ft/1.0 3pt/19.6 pts/6.3 rbd/2.2 ast/1.5 stl/1.2 blk/2.5 tov
5. Danny Granger – What’s nice about Granger is his three point production, which hurts his FG%. However, he puts up excellent PPG numbers and has a delicious FT%. His other numbers tend to be average, but they won’t hurt you, which is also what you want from an OK Cupid date. Projections: .425 fg/.852 ft/2.1 3pt/20.1 pts/5.3 rbd/2.3 ast/1.3 stl/0.9 blk/2.5 tov
6. Paul Pierce – Everything I said about Granger can also be said about Pierce, except a) he takes less threes so his FG% isn’t as poor, 2) he has more assists per game, ©) he is six years older, and †) the Celtics have a guy named “Fab Melo” on their team. Projections: .437 fg/.855 ft/1.5 3pt/18.4 pts/5.0 rbd/3.8 ast/1.0 stl/0.4 blk/3.4 tov
7. Gerald Wallace – This tier is called “Last Train To Havingagoodsmallforwardville” and runs to Davis. Wallace is surrounded by an improved, ready for prime time Nets team, so arguably I am being optimistic about his PPG, but I think the Brooklyn Nets are going to boost him this season. He’s ready for action, Jackson. Projections: .460 fg/.783 ft/1.1 3pt/15.1 pts/6.7 rbd/2.6 ast/1.6 stl/0.6 blk/2.2 tov
8. Tyreke Evans – He was always a weird for Point Guard, as he had low assists and threes. The move to Small Forward should do him well, but of course I’m cutting down the APG numbers to reflect same. On the flip side, we should see some more rebounds outta the guy. Projections: .461 fg/.780 ft/0.6 3pt/18.1 pts/6.3 rbd/3.8 ast/1.4 stl/0.5 blk/3.1 tov
9. Luol Deng – He’s averaged more than 38 minutes per game in each of the last three seasons, which is insane. It will be interesting to see if he can keep that up. Obviously, his numbers will decline along with any decrease in minutes, but in a weak position, that’s still not enough to scare me away from him. Projections: .462 fg/.761 ft/1.3 3pt/17.5 pts/7.0 rbd/2.6 ast/1.0 stl/0.8 blk/2.0 tov
10. Anthony Davis – It’s probably a little crazy to have Davis this high considering he is a rookie, but I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect a 6’10”, 220 lbs guy who was expected to play Power Forward or even Center to go in there and dominate the boards and block the feces out of the ball. Projections: .475 fg/.710 ft/0.1 3pt/12.3 pts/8.9 rbd/1.4 ast/1.1 stl/2.8 blk/2.1 tov
Update 9/26: Both Yahoo! and CBS had (and have) Anthony Davis listed at Small Forward and ESPN has him at Center, but the Yahoo fantasy league has him listed at Power Forward as of this date. We’ll reevaluate at a later date.
11. Nicolas Batum – This tier, “Three for Threes,” takes us to Ariza. It’s hard to believe a 23 year old may have reached his ceiling, but Batum may be that guy. There’s a real chance he ends up on my team because I’m a sucker for threes, and he throws in about a block per game with a relatively low turnover rate, but the smell is starting to turn in this tier. Projections: .467 fg/.845 ft/1.7 3pt/13.7 pts/4.7 rbd/1.6 ast/0.9 stl/1.0 blk/1.8 tov
12. Danilo Gallinari – Last time I was in Madison Square Garden for a Knicks game, the red, white and green “Gallo” mini basketballs were a hot seller. I kind of picture them all sitting in a dump in Staten Island now, unless some Knights of Columbus farmers needed miniature basketballs for their roosters to play some kind of weird sporting event. Think of it like a next generation, more humane cock fighting. Where were we? Is this a fantasy basketball blog? Who am I? Anyway, Gallinari is injury prone, but he can give you threes and decent assists. Projections: .420 fg/.862 ft/1.5 3pt/15.3 pts/5.0 rbd/2.0 ast/1.1 stl/0.4 blk/1.8 tov
13. Trevor Ariza – There’s not a lot to love here, but the assists are nice and you can still get a three per game and a steal or two. Projections: .408 fg/.733 ft/1.0 3pt/12.2 pts/5.7 rbd/3.3 ast/1.8 stl/0.5 blk/2.2 tov
14. Shawn Marion – This tier goes to DeMar DeRozan and is artfully dubbed, “Knee Deep in Muck.” His days of three point production are well behind him, and he isn’t going to help you out with blocks, but I love his FG% and rebounds. In fact, I just moved him ahead of Evan Turner after writing both of their blurbs. At his age, Marion is who he is, but you can probably squeeze something out of him one more time. Projections: .477 fg/.787 ft/0.2 3pt/11.6 pts/7.3 rbd/1.7 ast/1.1 stl/0.6 blk/1.6 tov
15. Evan Turner – Turner is on a re-styled Sixers team, and outside of assists and some halfway decent rebounds, there’s not a lot to love here. Projections: .432 fg/.722 ft/0.2 3pt/10.4 pts/6.0 rbd/3.0 ast/0.7 stl/0.3 blk/1.9 tov
16. Thaddeus Young – It doesn’t look like he has a starting job, but he’s young and has some potential. He has a handsome FG% and could possibly go 15/7 if everything goes his way. Projections: .512 fg/.752 ft/0.2 3pt/13.1 pts/5.4 rbd/1.4 ast/1.2 stl/0.4 blk/1.3 tov
17. Demar DeRozan – It looks like he’ll be plugged into Small Forward and not Shooting Guard, but he will be battling for minutes, which hurts him. We’ll have to see how things play out in the preseason. The PPG and FT% are nice, but there’s a lot to be not-very-thrilled with. Projections: .433 fg/.810 ft/0.4 3pt/16.9 pts/3.4 rbd/1.8 ast/0.9 stl/0.2 blk/1.9 tov
18. Tayshaun Prince – This is my final tier, called “These guys are not in my top 100.” Remember when people were excited about Prince? I can barely remember, either. He’s serviceable, I’ll give that to him, but I have to stifle a yawn looking at his numbers. Projections: .465 fg/.762 ft/0.5 3pt/13.4 pts/4.3 rbd/2.5 ast/0.4 stl/0.4 blk/1.2 tov
19. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist – Rookie sensation! Keeper leagues do what they do, the rest of you note that rookies are going to face growing pains, like when my pants are too tight around chicks in boots and miniskirts. His PPG wasn’t that prolific even in the NCAA, but this is going to be the first election where he can actually vote, so there’s not a lot we can really look at to guess his future, which is wide open like a [censored] in a [censored]. Scouts like the way he looks, and there’s a reason he made it into the NBA after only one season in Kentucky. Projections: .461 fg/.720 ft/0.2 3pt/11.5 pts/6.1 rbd/1.5 ast/0.8 stl/0.7 blk/2.7 tov
20. Caron Butler – After completing the top 200, I decided Butler deserved a spot over Chandler Parsons (Projections: .456 fg/.570 ft/1.1 3pt/10.9 pts/3.4 rbd/2.3 ast/1.3 stl/0.6 blk/1.7 tov), who has actually been bumped out of the top 20 as of 10/15. Projections: .430 fg/.788 ft/1.2 3pt/15.4 pts/4.1 rbd/1.5 ast/0.9 stl/0.2 blk/1.6 tov