Three months ago, the Charlotte Bobcats were an aimless team with two underwhelming fantasy options (Gerald Wallace and Stephen Jackson), a slight surprise late-round draft pick (D.J. Augustin), and a long-shot stud that, again, has underwhelmed (Tyrus Thomas). Now, Augustin is the only player healthy and still wearing a Bobcats uniform and it’s terrible TV to watch teams run roughshod over these poor bastards – or “basterds” if you’re inglourious. And, in Charlotte, it doesn’t get much more inglourious than the likes of Matt Carroll, DaSagna Diop and Browns Dominick and Kwame. Out of pure minutes played, necessitated by having no other healthy bodies to throw at the opposition, these guys have become relevant. And make no mistake, these guys should never be relevant. But here’s the rub: Gerald Henderson dropped 20 points in 38 minutes last night. Boris Diaw‘s pear bottom almost triple-doubled in 41 minutes. This is the state of things. And as he playoffs loom, so too looms every fantasy owner’s decision whether or not to roster any of these jokers. Sadly, the answer is yes. Yes, you’d be foolish to ignore them all. So here is the order in which you should roster the entire damn Bobcats lineup as of today: Augustin (10+ team league), Diaw (12+ team league), Henderson, Thomas (both 12+ team leagues), Shaun Livingston, Jackson, Kwame (all 14+ team leagues), D.J. White, Dominick, Dante Cunningham, Carroll and Joel Przybilla (16+ team leagues and spot-starts against bad teams with favorable matchups). No one else. If you’re rostering Najera or Diop, just give up now and focus on your fantasy baseball rankings.
Mo Williams – Williams is one of this league’s biggest ebb/flow shooters. Why should you care about this? Because he’s scored 16,17,17 and 17 in each of his last four games since returning from injury. Not all great percentages, but still … take a guess where he’s at?
Eric Bledsoe – Averaging 11/2.7/2.7 in his last three. It’s his highest scoring average all season, which tells you all you need to know, ’cause Lord knows those assists ain’t winnin’ no leagues.
Marcus Camby – How much are 10 rebounds worth to you? 0-for-4 shooting and no blocks? And to think how adamantly I had to defend not ranking Camby higher this preseason. Show of hands: Who’s surprised at Camby’s recent production? C’mon lemme see those hands. Don’t be shy. I count one hand. Wait. No. You were just stretching? Okay.
Nicolas Batum – 16/3/5 in his last two. That’s not his average, that’s his totals. I’m willing to admit that this year has been underwhelming for Batum, but this was a weird, off-kilter year for Portland. I’ll be right back on his bandwagon next season.
Brandon Bass – 9/7, with two steals in 24 minutes in place of the suspended Dwight Howard. Don’t bother getting up. No, seriously. Bass was just leaving and heading back to bench. The party was cool and all, he’s just not into the whole scene, you know? He prefers to have his fun with his friends, just chillin’. He’s an introvert.
Hedo Turkoglu – 13/5/3. With 18 games left in Orlando’s regular season, does this count as one of the five noteworthy games I think Turk has left in him? Well, I’m making note of it. So, yeah, I guess it does.
Devin Harris – Distributed seven assists, but shot 0-for-7 from the field ending with four points and helped New York shatter Utah’s collective face.
Paul Millsap – Followed Harris’ lead (2-for-6, with four points). Shoulda followed Al Jefferson’s (36/12). Millsap was moving slower than treesap. Mostly because the power in Paul’s knee sapped.
Andrei Kirilenko – Left the game with back spasms. You know the drill: pickup C.J. Miles. pickup Gordon Hayward. Pickup Derrick Favors. Ooo, that was a little different. I liked that last one. Am I crazy to think that Favors would be a decent SF? Especially on a Utah team that doesn’t have great options for varying reasons? I’ll look into this and get back to you. Hold your breath until I get back to you. Starting … now!
Jarrett Jack – 23/4/3, with two steals and five turnovers in beaucoup minutes. I don’t speak Turkish or whatever, but I think that means “super awesome waiver wire.” Anyway, no news on Chris Paul‘s concussion or whether he’ll play in the next game. Hang onto Jack until you hear something.
James Harden – Despite being his second season in the league, I feel like last year’s no. 3 pick in the draft is having his coming out party. Not the kind that my Aunt Frank invited me to when I was younger, the kind where Harden has averaged .507/.939/1.7 3ptm/ 18.1 pts/ 2.9 rbd / 2.8 ast/ 1.1 stl/ 0.6 blk in he last two weeks.
Luis Scola – 10/3. That’s the good news. That’s the good news? Holy Hell, what’s the bad news? Oh. I see here that I got my cue cards mixed up. Turns out there is no good news – just two bad newses. The other is that he left the game early with an apparent knee injury. I say apparent because he didn’t limp off the court and he was seen later snorting coke of a hooker’s inner thigh while laughing about calling the franchise the Los Angeles Kings of Anaheim. Oh, wait. I’ve got my cue cards mixed up again. That last bit was about the Maloofs. No, I don’t know which one. Does it matter?
Chase Budinger - 20/5/2, with four treys, two steals and two blocks. “There. Now get off my back” -Chase Budinger.