As you should have heard, the City of Angels has acquired the services of one Mr. Stephen John Nash, the greatest Canadian basketball player since Shaquille O’Neal. What? He’s not French-Canadian? Huh. Anyway, Steve Nash has a new team and the Lakers are as happy as a pedophile in a windowless van. There are two truths you need to understand about Nash – uno, his numbers are on the decline and will continue to be on the decline, y dos, he is still an amazing specimen of basketball prowess. If Nash feeding Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol doesn’t sound appetizing to you, it’s because you think I mean he is literally feeding them food. How did you picture it? Was he using a spoon or was he regurgitating it into their mouths? What the hell, man? Actually…tell me more about this fantasy of yours. Alright, yeah, we should get back to the relevant fantasy, which is fantasy basketball.
Ray Allen – The Miami Heat said, “Oh no, we are the kings of stockpiling talent,” so they went and signed Ray Allen. Allen is no Steve Nash, but he is a Ray Allen, specifically the Ray Allen, and he should help the Miami Heat become even better. I’m not sure what that entails, though, considering they already won a Title. Maybe they play the Globetrotters? And speak Romanian?
Jeff Green – Reports say he will re-sign with the Celtics. I guess this wasn’t enough to keep Ray Allen in Boston.
Ryan Anderson – The New Orleans Hornets will obtain Ryan Anderson, “the 2012 Most Improved Player,” and the Magic will get in return center Gustavo Ayon. Anderson took a big leap forward in two categories, points scored and the ever elusive offensive rebounds. Ayon will probably suffer from some kind of sophmore slump, but could be a good source of rebounds and blocks. Only time will tell, unless the Mayans were right.
Ersan Ilyasova – He may sign with the Bucks. If he does, he will finally be able to buy that bicycle he always wanted. I presume.
Kirk Hinrich – Generalbevollmächtigter went back to the Bulls, but this is only relevant if you are prosecuting Nazi war crimes. He’s in Chicago, boys! Get ‘im!
Kyle Lowry – The Rockets sent Lowry to the Raptors, and this may be just the thing to push Toronto into .450 win percentage territory.
