Well, here we are fantasy baskethoopers (<– my mentally ill uncle’s term, often sputtered out in between foul-language rants about the garbage man); the final day of your fantasy basketball season (unless you’re in a playoff format in which you did not make the finals. In which case, I hope your fantasy baseball team is doing well). Nothing left to do but fill in as many of your roster spots with active guys as you can and hope something clicks. The quickest advice I can give you in case you’re too busy to read the rest of this post is to start all Nuggets (they’re still playing for something) and pick up all Bucks (there are only seven or eight of them left)! The first time you see your old roster after taking the summer off is always a hoot. “Patty Mills and Larry Sanders were starters on my first-place fantasy team? How the hell did that happen?” Oh, how you’ll laugh. Then you’ll grow slightly fearful of you inability to remember decisions you made just a few months ago. My God. Had I known you were sick, I’d have baked you a cake. Then I’d have eaten it in your honor and told you about it the next time I saw you. Anyway, here’s to one last day of messy basketball, c-list breakouts and fragile bone structures of world-class athletes. 2012, huzzah! Here are some last minute additions to your team.
Rajon Rondo – Both he and Kevin Garnett could return tonight, though nothing’s certain. Doc said it’s a possibility. If you own Rondo, I’d plug him in and hope for the best. That he turns into Steve Nash? If you own Cagey, I’d roll with whomever you were using to replace him, as he’s less likely to make an impact or play big minutes tonight.
Beno Udrih – 9/9 last night and remains one of the few healthy guards the Bucks have left. They stink, but for once, Beno isn’t to blame.
Larry Sanders – Came off the bench and ended with 12/4/3, with 4 steals and 5 blocks. Udoh hurt himself last night and Jon Leuer has a case of a heavy drop foot (which is not what dropsy is, but should be). If the Colonial is available, pick him up with your fingers. He’s finger-picking good.
Tobias Harris – Run on Bucks! He went 15/13, with a block last night and even if he didn’t, who else on this team is getting minutes? If every healthy member of the Bucks played equal minutes, they’d all play 26:15. You’ll take 26:15 from a player on the final day of the season, won’t you? Against the crippled Celtics? Don’t make me spell out how all remaining Bucks should be owned tonight.
Richard Jefferson – Looking to avenge being dropped like a bad habit as he faces San Antonio tonight. He said he relishes his team leadership role, which, if we’re talking about the Warriors (and we are!) is like Bruce Wayne relishing his influence over the family after his parents were both murdered.
Tiago Splitter – Sank 10-of-13 shots last night from the bench. I didn’t see the game, so I’m just going to assume that he actually scored the bulk of his 26 points while sitting on a folding chair near his Spurs teammates. There’s a good chance of him playing more than 20 minutes tonight. Heck, maybe even a few of them will be on the actual court.
Patrick Mills – Scored a career-high 27 points last night, which is not your normal run-of-the-Mills performance. And seeing as how the Spurs are all still old tonight, it’s probable he sees his fair share of minutes tonight, too.
Jrue Holiday – Won’t earn you his normally underwhelming 14/3/5 tonight as it was announced that he’d sit out tonight’s game against Detroit. I’d grab Evan Turner and Jodie Meeks in that order. Then again, if Turner was still available, it means you’re the only one still paying attention in your league and you don’t need me. But if you’re still here it means you want me. Well, thank you, computer friend. The virtual feeling is virtually mutual.
Earl Clark – Big Baby left last night’s game with an ankle thingy (technical!). If you’re in a bind and a hoping for a widely available big looking to get minutes tonight … go for Daniel Orton! Or, if there’s no Orton (or n’Orton en français), the herald angels are singing out Earl’s name. Clark! The herald angels are singing.
Hedo Turkoglu – Didn’t play last night, but did say he’d play for sure tonight. The bad news is that he won’t play much. The good news is that his banged up ugly mug mashed into a protective mask is almost surely going to make kids sitting in the first three rows cry right in front of the broadcast cameras. I’ll make the popcorn!
Chandler Parsons – Won’t play and neither will Marcus Camby. But if you were really relying on either of those guys to bring you to the promised land, you should be able to replace them fairly easily.
Nene Hilario – Returned to the tune of 12/7. Tonight, somewhere, someone’s team has a lot riding on Nene being Nene against the Miami Heat. Good luck to that person. Tonight is your night.
Cartier Martin – Ended last night with 7 points (meh), but also a steal, a three and a block. If you need the lunch pail stats, nothing says “working class” like a Cartier.
Reggie Williams – His knee injury will likely prevent him from playing tonig – whocaresaboutthatisDwyaneWadeplayingtonightorwhat!?!
Dwyane Wade – His dislocated finger puts him at about 50/50 tonight. As it’s against the banged up Wizards, I’m putting it at about 45/55. Now, can I go back to discussing Reggie Williams? Yes. Sorry. No problem. As I was saying, he won’t play tonight. There. I’m glad I got that out.
Kyle Korver – Drained four threes last night on his way to 20 points. As Chicago isn’t really playing for anything, I’m guessing the starters get an easy go of it tonight (I mean, even easier than it otherwise would have been playing Cleveland). Look for Korver to get at least 25 minutes of playing time.
D.J. Kennedy – 12/6/3, with a pair of steals and a pair of threes. With Kyrie out tonight, you could do worse than spunky MTV VJ Kennedy. Re-applying a Band-Aid you found floating in the bottom of the pool, is an example of you doing worse.
Tyson Chandler – Played scant minutes last night and is more likely to complete 40 rounds of Draw Something with ‘Melo tonight than see any playing time. If your final day rests on whether Chandler can quickly guess “xylophone” and “Madonna,” keep him in your lineups.
Kobe Bryant – Needs to score 38 tonight to pass Durant for the scoring title. If you own Kobe, enjoy his .325 FG%.