Bonjour all, tis I, Tehol Beddict, and I come back to you a new man. A better man. I’m sure many of you sent in hand written letters, filled with panic and despair over my abrupt disappearance , and your fears were justified as my journey almost turned perilous on multiple occasions. Trust that I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, for mankini modeling can turn deadly at any given moment as many a she-male lurk on the stunningly beautiful island that’s known as Bora Bora.
Before my tale involving the treacherous she-males occurred I spent my time off camera helping induce pregnant dolphins into labor, rescuing sea turtles from fish nets, thatching roofs destroyed by a recent hurricane, trying to impregnate a village chief’s daughter and digging a well for the thirsty locals. Yes, Tehol Beddict is a philanthropist as well as being a scholar, poet, mankini model, and a writer. It’s true I wear many hats, but among those is never a jimmy, luckily for the Chieftan’s daughter, who I can now proudly say is expecting come winter.
When saving baby sea creatures one must be wary of the poisonous sea urchin as the only way to stop the pain is by peeing on the wound. Giving golden showers to tourists is now one of my greatest passions after this trip. I shall never forget the joy of easing a tourist’s pain by blasting his face with a powerful stream of urine. You must be precise in these matters and my aim stuck true. The locals worshipped me for these feats and told me they had only read about piss with such potency in tales about the Gods they worshipped thousands of years ago before they were overtaken by the pious French. But this is a tale for another day my friends for I did battle with some of the most powerful she-males of Bora Bora , nearly losing my life in the process, and that story takes precedence.
Before arriving in Bora Bora, I thought of sipping cocktails with Tahitian beauties and coaxing them into my bungalow after impressing them with my vast knowledge and ruggish good looks. Little did I know the dudes dressed as chicks were hotter than the chicks dressed as chicks. This is where things get bizarre. After a routine day of flexing my butt cheeks for the camera and helping set up a center for the elderly I returned to my normal seat at the bar and starting chatting up what I thought was a woman. He/She had long beautiful legs and spoke with a french accent that could melt margarine in the north pole. I was not surprised when she/he asked to come back to my Palapa to perform the Bora Bora mating ritual as I am quite charming. It then proceeded to tie me up with a kind of vine that was originally native to the island of Moorea. After doing this he/she rubbed me down with coconut oil and gave me the most savagely intense BJ I’d ever received. I was in love. Or so I thought, and that’s the moment she/he pulled out her massive wang. Unquestionably, I was appalled for other than when I was held down on the 50 yard line of my high school football’s team and taken repeatedly, I had never experienced man on man action. Now don’t get me wrong, I love and support the gay community but that’s just not my bag baby. He/she’s name was Juwanna and he/she told I had to do him/her next. It giggled when it realized I was expecting something different below her/his’s skin tight sarong. When I refused, she used my hotel phone to call over a posse of other surprisingly hot she-mans. They had me tied up and surrounded and this is when I made one of what I expect to be one of the more monumental decisions of my hopefully long life. After thinking it over, while they hit me with a flurry of insults about the size of my manhood(Im a grower not a shower) I decided I would just blow them all and never speak of that moment to anyone for as long as I lived. …….Get out!, I’m joking man. Luckily I always keep a spare razor blade in my mouth out of habit from having to fight off crackheads in the street, and I was able to cut the vine, jump off the balcony into shark infested waters, and swim to my freedom. I spent the remainder of my time there in church and cleansing my mind, body and soul. I was able to dodge the queens from their on out and I returned to America ready to light the fantasy sports world on fire. And that, my friends, is the story of how Tehol Beddict, your most trusted advisor, was almost forced to give fellatio and more than likely be anally raped by a pack of 6 Tahitian She/he’s. Never ever joke about anal rape as it’s not funny. Not funny at all……….
With that heroic tale out of the way let us get to my thoughts and observations of player production over the weekend in the NBA.
Martell Webster– 34 points and 5 assists. A career high! The sweet shooting Webster was supposed to become an NBA star as he was drafted 6th overall straight out of high school. Turns out he was more Casey Affleck than Ben Affleck. If you don’t get it, I mean Casey Affleck blows as a professional actor and Benjamin is a God among men, though his wife disgusts me. Webster has had a solid year though and somehow is still below the age of 30. I like what he’s doing and I hate to admit it, but I liked that beej from that dude. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
Markieff Morris– 13 points and 9 boards. Brother superior outscored his twin brother by 13 points on Saturday and won bragging rights at the next Morris family BBQ. I wish I had a twin brother I could constantly belittle and dominate. I get these guys mixed up but based off this game if you are going to own 1 of them, make it Chief Kieff.
Gerald Henderson– 16 points and 4 dimes. What do you know? Another extremely average basketball player drafted by Michael Jordan. He’s most likely the Bobcats most consistent offensive threat, though that’s not saying much. God, every time I type the word “Bob” I think of that incredible dome that shemale gave me. Anyway, I can’t believe I’m blasting my idol, Michael Jordan about anything for I worship him like the Danes did Odin in the 8th century. I deserve to be tied up and whipped by fierce warriors! But not blown by them.
Jason Terry– 15 points, 3 boards and 2 assists. Another Washingtonian who made it to the big time. His game seems the same to me, yet the statistics show a fairly steep decline in production. They thought they might be getting an improvement over Ray Allen. They were wrong. I suppose worthy of a deep bench spot in larger leagues.
Roy Hibbert– 25 points, 10 boards and 2 blocks. Hibbert was part giraffe/part hippopotamus, using his incredible length to alter and block shots on the defensive end, and bulling his way to the rack on offense, putting his normally timid ways to the wayside. He’s totally worth that max contract right? uhhhhh yea.
Spencer Hawes– 18 points, 16 rebounds and 7 rejections. Why is it every time it’s my turn to post Hawes balls out of control and I’m forced to post about him? Spence went Manute Bol on that ass and swatted 7 shots. Really? I thought this cream puff was strictly a shooter and nothing more, but he proved his doubters wrong once again as he showed swag on par with Justin Bieber.
Mo Speights– 19 points, 7 boards and 4 blocks. It’s plain to me that Speights is a better player than is Tristan Thompson but TT is the high pick, and Cleveland doesn’t have much to play for so Speights will never average over 25 minutes a game. This is unfortunate for the man puts up numbers like Davey Crocket on a coon hunt.
Kawhi Leonard– 24 points, 13 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals and 2 blocks. Stuffing the stat sheet like a Thanksgiving turkey, and it’s not even November. Duncan exploded in this game as well but Leonard has been blowing my mind as of late. It’s not as surprising to me as people believing that Katie Holmes is hot, but still surprising. Great dynasty own.
Jerryd Bayless– 24 points, 2 rebounds and 2 dimes. The one they call JB which is BJ backwards erupted for 24 on the opposition on Saturday, once again teasing us with his tantalizing scoring ability. Too bad it’s somewhat of a rarity. Still someone to keep an eye on if desperate.
Marvin Williams– 5 points and 3 boards. You know that song “Move to Bremerton” by MXPX? I would firmly urge you NOT to move to Bremerton, that is, unless you have a great love for both meth laboratories and child pornography. Marvin is waste of talent and is wasting my writing talent on his embarrassing production.
Will Bynum/Rodney Stuckey– 23 and 32 points. My boys! I hype these guys every time they have a good game and I’m quite sure it would happen much more frequently if only the Pistons weren’t run by morons. In comparison to the Job Joe Dumars is doing, Lorne Michaels is doing a fabulous job with SNL. THAT SHOW IS UNWATCHABLE!! It has been for years. Maybe I should save my scorn for SNL for another post. This one’s getting out of control in length. Kind of like that Tahitian’s schlong, you know, the one who tried to penetrate me. Anyway, both of these guys could get off at any time but you never know how many minutes they might play. I just don’t get it.
J.J. Hickson– 18 points, 15 boards, 2 assists and 2 steals. One of biggest surprises in basketball this season, Hickson continues to impress to the point where he’s almost guaranteed to be overpaid by someone next season. I’ve always been a fan so I guess you could say I’m proud of him.
Mario Chalmers– 1 point and 6 assists. This peon continues to let me down harder than Justin Timberlake’s lead single of his new album. The guy is simply not own-able. Maddeningly inconsistent and the whipping boy for Miami’s stars.
Jonas Valanciunas– 18 points and 7 rebounds. Do my eyes deceive me?! Big J actually put some production on the board? He will be a sleeper of mine for next season and might have some value for the remainder of this season but I doubt it. They’re really building something special in Toronto. Psyche!
Nikola Vucevic– 20 points, 15 boards, 4 assists and 2 thefts. Vucevic has battled opponents with the tenacity and gall of the Mighty Thor, relentlessly cleaning the glass and hammering down dunks, giving facials to all who oppose his might.
Monta Ellis– 39 points, 6 rebounds, 5 dimes and 3 steals. When he’s on Monta induces memories of the wizardry of Merlin, the way he magically is able to stuff the rest of the stat sheet while taking a significant amount of shots. Beautiful numbers.
J.R. Smith– 17 points and 6 boards. 4-20 from the field? I’ve always been a Smith fan and think of him as one of the most underpaid players in the NBA but the constant gunning needs to come to a close for him to ever come close to reaching his potential. He’s an excellent passer and should be focusing on that when the shot isn’t falling, which seems to be quite often as of late.
Chauncey Billups– 12 points, 4 boards and 5 assists. Is Chaunce own-able? Ehhhhhh maybe. His numbers aren’t exactly arousing, but he could repeat stats like these more commonly now that he’s healed up a bit.
Andrew Bogut– 12 points, 12 rebounds and 3 blocks. This Australian wombat has the ability to do this on a nightly basis but I fully expect him to get his leg bit off by a great white when he’s next “down unda” as he has the worst luck in the world. Well, technically he’s cleared over 70 million dollars so I suppose I shouldn’t call him unlucky. FML.
Thomas Robinson– ZERO points and 4 rebounds. Officially off the bandwagon. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
Anthony Davis– 17 points, 9 boards, 2 dimes, 3 steals and 1 block. Mr. Davis sir, could you please man up and become a go-to player please? You play with the testicular fortitude of a gelding. I want 23 and 12 the rest of the season and up the blocks pop tart.
Derrick Williams– 28 points and 7 rebounds. Like Britney Spears with the shaved head, D-Will got nasty last night. Not sure why they ever had him firmly placed on the bench, but the talent is there. Plus, I played basketball with his Dad a few times so that strangely connects us in a way. It’s almost like we’re brothers.
Kendrick Perkins– 1 point and 6 boards. Being that “the Perkulator” is one of the worst basketball players I’ve ever witnessed, I pray that you do not employ him on your fantasy roster.
Mike James– 14 points and 4 dimes. Mike James. WHO? Mike James? Who? Mike James. Why is this guy in the NBA and why did the Mavericks, a middling team with no shot at the playoffs bring him on? I never understand moves like this. At least bring up a young guy from NDBL and see if he has anything as James will play no future role with the organization and Dallas is not making playoffs so what’s the point??? SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME!!! Sorry, I lost control there for a sec.
Jeff Teague– 11 points and 15 assists. Teague seems to be upset that the man formerly known as Devin Harris is starting over him and responded with a nice game. Him and his brother should both be below average NBA point guards for a long time.
Gerald Wallace– 4 points and 3 rebounds. As with Hawes, I always seem to be posting about Wallace. Only it’s never complimentary like it is with Hawes. G-dubb has simply been terrible this year probably the worst signing of off season. Remember they traded the pick which turned out to be Damian Lillard for this over the hill sack of turkey dung. Inexcusable numbers yet again.
Patrick Patterson– 22 points and 5 boards. Well it looks like the Kings got the better of that trade as T-Rob can’t even get on the floor. Ok, I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself but Patterson is a decent player and will continue to contribute when given the opportunity.
Antawn Jamison– 27 points and 9 rebounds. Twan gets two snaps and a twist from me for this performance, reminding us that he once scored 50 plus points in back to back games. Oh you forgot about that?
As per usual, your questions will be answered very quickly so please feel free to ask. I’m at your beck and call. Thank you for joining me and starting this week I will be writing for baseball so look for me there as you should all play fantasy baseball if you don’t already. It’s a sin not to.
This post is dedicated to a friend of mine. A speed skating competitor who trained with olympic champion Apolo Ohno as a youth but then gave up the sport to pursue other interests, most of which were wooing gorgeous females and destroying the opposition on the hoop court. The fire for competitive skating returned and he approached his comeback with type of dedication only champions possess. During a recent race, my friend was viciously taken out by a skater he was about to overtake for the lead, fracturing as well as dislocating his shoulder in the process. I feared for his life, as lesser men have would have surely perished but this young stallion will rise like a phoenix from the ashes yet again and be ready for nationals. Of that I have no doubt. This warrior’s name? Darin Pattison. A true patriot.