It’s crunch time people. We are in the playoffs and it’s balls to the wall from here on out. No long intro this week fortunately or unfortunately for you, as my body is still trying to repulse the HPV that Tahitian drag queen gave me in Bora Bora. I can hardly keep my eyes open for you, the readers, I would never leave hanging. Let’s hop right into this past weekend’s hit or miss performances.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I love all fantasy sports. Baseball might be my favorite, just because it’s so long and hard and there’s so many guys to choose from…
But there are moments, fleeting highlights and moments, that I think make Fantasy Basketball special. Like yesterday, with DeAndre Jordan absolutely murdah-ing Brandon Knight on the alley. If you’re on your computer, just go to ESPN or NBA. I mean Daaaaahhhhuuuummmm. Lots of twitters about it, but my favorite might have been from Knight himself: “It wasn’t in the scouting reports that the clippers threw lobs lol”. Hah! Glad to see he isn’t in a deep depression. Makes it more fun that everyone can smile about it. ESPN then had a top ten of posterized moments. All the others looked like the posterizee was about to kill the posterizer. I’m 6’7 and I got posterized once by a guy the same height, but I didn’t know he had hops. I just smiled and went my way, and luckily everyone didn’t go nuts/it wasn’t in front of 15,000 people. Or else I’d be more Patrick Ewing than Brandon Knight.
Fantasy-wise, Jordan is still the barely-ownable center he has been all year. You should get a bonus for posterized dunks. Had one of his best games of late going 5-5 13 Pts 7 Rebs 1 Ast and 2 Blks. Been at least 7 and 5 with a block the last five. If you need blocks plus want to be on the edge of your seat if you only watch highlights of players on your team, give Jordan a look if he’s available.
Here’s what else went down over the weekend:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After recording three wins in a row the Suns have now suffered back-to-back losses. It appears the Suns are setting again, but the most recent shakeup to the starting line up may prove there’s still fantasy value to be had in Phoenix. Yes, Suns FA pick ups just in time for Daylight Savings–first, the Morris Twins–Markieff Morris had 9 points, 2 rebounds and 3 assists, and Marcus Morris had 12 points, 5 rebounds, and 2 assists. You know I’m a sucker for the twinsies starting together–pulls at all the right heartstrings. This is real basketball people. But I must say fantasy-wise it’s hard to tell them apart–they’re both pretty mediocre. They’re worth watching for now, but if you’re have to own one, Marcus is the brother to own, but they don’t recommend separating the two.
Wesley Johnson could be an even better pick up, and Friday he scored 19 points, with 4 rebounds, 2 steals and 1 block in the start. Wes has developed a sixth man-type role over the past few games but he got the start last night over Jared Dudley and made coach proud. Johnson, a former top 10 pick, always had the pedigree to do this, maybe its about time he got it done. Wesley was the only one who could save Princess Buttercup and if he can continue to play well in this role, maybe he could save your fantasy team come playoff time.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy basketball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Lipizzan horse breed dates back to the 16th century and they are the most breathtakingly graceful creatures young Tehol has ever laid eyes upon. Purebreds are known for being whiter than the purest Columbian blow and their massive members. Some have even said that a few of the grandest stallions had testicles that almost dragged on the frozen tundra of Slovenia (which is where they hail from) during mating season. Now comes the truly intriguing part: I have always held a high interest in genealogy, or was it gynecology? Anyway, the way Chandler Parsons has been playing this season has truly been a mind altering experience. He’s white and he’s American, two things that don’t mix with NBA basketball. This drove me to spend countless hours in the library and on the internet digging deeper than a coal miner, so that I could find Parsons true heritage (calls to his agent were not returned). After a month’s supply of caffeine pills and countless rockstars I was able to finally piece it together: this man is part Lipizzan! You see, his distant relatives started the first Lipizzan stud farm and kept it in the family for centuries along with a very little known secret. Now remember, these stallions had an insatiable thirst for ejaculation, so sometimes it was necessary to “milk” them. The idea first came to Bogdan Parsons in September of 1678; He would take this extra horse jizz and, mix it with his own and inseminate his betrothed. Now, you realize this would be difficult since it needs to be squeezed in at the same time in able for traces of the stallion’s spunk to take. Imagine jerking a horse off along with yourself at the same time. What timing! Young Bogdan mastered the art of stroking a few months later, timing it perfectly then impregnating his wife. A son was born. An incredibly strong son who grew to be as stronger than anyone in all of Europe and he was hung like, well, a horse. The rest, as they say, is history.
Parsons has finally reached stallionhood and is no longer a yearling, or a gelding like many of his relatives thought when he underwhelmed at the University of Florida. Last night Parsons dropped 32 points, 3 boards and 3 assists, while only missing one shot from the floor. Parsons is real. The research is real. Tehol Beddict is real, and this what else I witnessed last night in the NBA.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Washington Post recently ran an interesting article about NBA players who can’t hit free throws. Not being able to make a free throw is possibly the most embarrassing thing a basketball player can fail out, equivalent to a baseball player who can’t throw (note to John Wall).Please, blog, may I have some more?
Pau Gasol and the Lakers have had a train wreck of a season so far. Pau is seeing nearly all his numbers being below career average (12.6/8.9/3.5/0.5/1.2 with 42% FG and 76% FT) and having “knee tendinitis” to boot. As such, I had to move him down in the tiers because you can’t be a Victoria’s Secret model with those type of numbers.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last night, Kobe Bryant scored over half his team’s points (40) and reached a triple double. No, not the good kind of triple double…the kind where you also have 10 turnovers. An absurd line of 40/10/3/3 with 5 3PM, 12-28 FG, 11-13 FT, and the aforementioned 10 turnovers. You’ll live with the high TO’s but the Lakers can’t. In a night of high profile college basketball, the game turned out to be very similar. I didn’t watch, but George Hill (19/5/5/1) hit the game winning shot to win 79-77 over Kobe Bryant. Not to mention that the teams combined for 57 personal fouls (that’s an actual number, not some sarcastic number). Did anybody enjoy watching that? Glad I watched the ACC/Big 10 challenge instead. Anyway, here’s what else happened in the NBA last night:
Darren Collison – Sometimes a coach likes to put a slumping player on the bench and see how he responds.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I mentioned the past couple weeks, every Wednesday I will release tiers for G/F/C in rotating fashion. Here’s the original tiers, updated Guard tiers, and last week’s Forward tiers. Starting next week, I’ll split this into a morning and afternoon post (morning for recap and afternoon for tiers) to better explain the movement taking place. As always, if you disagree with the tiers then go f*ck yourself. BUT FIRST, the recap of last night’s games:
Nene Hilario – Nope, the Wizards did not play last night but he will return TONIGHT! We’ll see how much playing time he gets, but he is the most offensively-talented big man on the Wizards’ roster. If you own Kevin Seraphin, this is probably the time to drop him if you haven’t already.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I mentioned last week, every Wednesday I will release tiers for G/F/C in rotating fashion. This early in the season, there won’t be too many changes unless dudes like Danny Granger or Brandon Rush go out for a lengthy amount of time.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I considered leading with Greg Monroe and his triple double (and in some ways, I just did), but I decided to comment about Jrue Holiday. He has been off to a great start this season, and last night he put up 14 points, 5 rebounds, 12 assists and a block.Please, blog, may I have some more?