Have you ever sat back and thought, “What if I got a shot at the NBA when I was in my prime?  Everyone knows I average a double double in my men’s league, I tell them all the time.  I’m 6’7″ and can jump higher than even Steve the Electrician’s kid.  What if I got minutes against the best in the world?”  I know one Razzball writer who’s had that exact thought.  Usually after one too many crown and cokes.  Someone thanks him for helping them win their weekly match-up 7-2 and we go out and celebrate at the bar.  Well played sir.  Well Played.  This night gave us much more than just a terrible hangover.  It gave questionable decision making and a highly impaired thinking process.  At some yet still hazy point that night we began playing the fantasy ‘What If’ game, culminating in the question what if Nick Calathes started and got 36 minutes?  Wouldn’t he average 10 assists per game?  With that eureka moment I knew it was time to hail a cab and call it a night.  Obviously I was far too tired to think straight.  When I awoke the next day, thinking clearly once more, I decided to play the ‘What If’ game again.  This time with you as my live studio audience and hopefully with a more level head.  Would everyone please now fill out your name tag and be seated.  Because you may just be the next contestant on, ‘What… If… He Starrrrrtsss…’  And it’s a Go for the Theme Song.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sooooo… Last night just happened.  It was the wildest night of fantasy hoops that I could ever remember.  Sure my memory isn’t exactly like Ken Jennings, but yea… Definitely going to break the “what the hey?!” record!  The Fantasy Basketball world just stood still.  It was just like the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still.  Is that Keanu Reeves?  What is Jaden Smith doing here?  Wait, is this an actual plot?  There’s just too much crazy to care about these special effects!  There were like, a million three pointers last night.  Tony Wroten had a triple double.  Ok, who had Wroten in the triple-double pool?  I think if you had bet on that in Vegas you coulda turned a dollar into owning the state of Nevada.  18/10/11 while shooting 7-18.  A lot of Philly stats got boosted by the Rockets pace, and if you hadn’t heard yet, Michael Carter-Williams was a very late scratch with a sore foot.  What are they feeding these guards in Philly?  I think it’s obvious that to be a good NBA PG you must diet solely on cheesesteaks.  But enough meandering, let’s go straight into the nitty gritty, the CGI effects if you will, for the reason why you’re here:

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[It’s March of 2011. A disenchanted DeMarcus Cousins is mindlessly taking part in a layup drill during a practice at ARCO Arena/ Power Balance Pavilion/ Sleep Train Arena in Sacramento]

Paul Westphall: Ah, yeah, what’s up DeMarcus. Um, I understand there’s been a few questions about your efforts on the glass? Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and fix that by participating in some rebounding drills, um-kay? Greaaat. Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and practice on Sunday, too…

[Cousins says nothing, fumes, and goes off to take part in the rebounding drills with Assistant Coach Keith Smart]

DeMarcus Cousins: Hey, guys.

Tyreke Evans: What’s up, G?

DeMarcus Cousins: Want to go to Mokeski’s? Get some coffee?

Marcus Thornton: Oh, it’s a little early.

DeMarcus Cousins: I gotta get outta here. I think I’m gonna lose it.

Keith Smart: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The league is finally taking notice of the Denver Nuggets win streak of 14 games (there’s not another streak going on is there?), as they survived a near upset to the terrible 76ers at home last night.  The Nuggets are 31-3 at home.  Rocky Mountain air!  Get me an oxygen tank!  The 76ers owner even slammed his team on Twitter.  Doug Collins has got to be about to go on a Mel Gibson-esque tirade.  Maybe paint his face like Braveheart  and drive the tanker truck from The Road Warrior like in South Park.  If he coaches again next year, it will be the biggest accomplishment in sports.  We used to say that Oscar Pistorius, but you don’t hear that as much anymore.

Led by the late game heroics of one of my biggest supported players since I took over, Corey Brewer brewed up 10-18 FG (5-6 3PTM) 29 Pts 1 Reb 5 Stls and 1 Blk.  “Stealin’ and Shottin’!”  Imagine I said that like Spike Lee’s “Stoppin’ and Poppin’, Postin’ and Toastin'” and you get the frame of mind I’m going for.  Hey, I’m white, spoken word isn’t my forte which is why I’m writing this blog, not on the street corner yelling fantasy advice with a megaphone.

Here’s what else went down last night in the NBA:

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Gotta love Colorado.  All the hippies, all the ganja.  I went to Denver last year (not for that) and really enjoyed the city and caught a few Rockies games.  That town loves their sports teams.  Have you ever watched sports high?  It’s awwwwwwesome.  Well then again, I guess everything you like is intensified in aurae of sweeeeeet.  And then if your team loses, you can just laugh it off like Brad Pitt in True Romance.

Fantasy wise, the Nuggets feature tons of options, but there enlies a bit of a conundrum as there are some hit and miss nights.  I’m a big Corey Brewer fan, but he has some down nights, I really like Danilo Gallinari as a big 3 but he goes cold some nights (went 4-17 last night), and Kosta Koufos, who is criminally underrated and unmentioned on that team, played only 16 minutes yesterday.  It really is a revolving door with a lot of those guys – Andre Miller almost hit a triple-double last night while Wilson Chandler only scored 9 following up 35 two games ago.  It’s kinda like a fantasy wheel of fortune.  You get jackpots and a trip to Tahiti with Tehol (although I would prefer Bankrupt there), or you have Lose A Turn or Bankrupt.  See if you can figure this one out.  _ _ R_ _ _   _ _ R _  U_ _ _  INC_ N _ I _ _ _ _ _  R_ _ _ _ _ _I _ _ _.  Girlie Porn User Incontinence Rigamortis?  Close!  It’s George Karl Uses Inconsistent Rotations.  OK, I officially never want to come a Wheel Of Fortune puzzle maker.

Here’s what else went down last night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s that time of year.  You’re either chomping at the bit because you’re in a good position for the playoffs, or you’ve sworn off even looking at your league because you’re too frustrated Derrick Rose never helped you out.  That’s why it’s an awesome time to check out our friends at DraftKings, where you can draft a new roster every day and win big money prizes.  In a special day of contests with an almost full slate of NBA action, it’s a perfect time to hop into one of three different $10,000 contests going on tonight!  Buy in for as little as $11!  Or you can up your bet for a bigger chance of winning for $109 or $1,050.  There’s $10,000 to be won for all levels of players!  And I’m gonna help you win that money with some insight on players who are going to be huge tonight that you can get on the cheap:

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I’m starting to get really frustrated with those AT&T kid commercials where this douche asks four or five kids random crap, like “what’s better less or more?” or “would you rather be faster or slower?”  In one of em he cuts the kid off who just wants to prove she can be funny like the convulsing three-year old too!  He’s probably too buys doing blow with AT&T execs to have empathy.  However, the way those kids act isn’t too dissimilar to how I would see NBA stars act in team meetings.  Like imagine the same guy sitting with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook ans asking, “what’s better, scoring more or less points?” “MOOORRREEEE!!!” in unison.  Then Westbrook is like, “if you score more points you have more chance of being on Sportscenter and people will like you more and clown you less for singing along to Ke$ha in pre-game.”  Clowned anyway!  Good thing Westbrook is having an incredible season, including beating up the Lakers last night to the beat of his drum (if there’s a more apropos lyric from Ke$ha hell if I would know it) with a line of 15-29 FG 37 Pts 10 Rebs 5 Asts and 2 Stls.  On top of that, only two turnovers.  Even Kobe Bryant was givin’ props.  If there was a Facebook throw down of NBA players claiming to be elite, this would be a good time for Westbrook to chime in.  Let’s check out what else went down in a fairly light night of NBA action:

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With six minutes left in the fourth last night, David Lee gave Roy Hibbert a little sucker shove that spawned a fracas that would have made Ron Artest (excuse me Metta World Peace) proud.  Tangent – how can athletes just change their names like that?  Getting pretty ridiculous.  They should just change their names a few times a year and get a percentage of jersey sales.  Imagine Chris Andersen changing his name to “Birdman” at the beginning of the season, then changing it again halfway through the season to, “You best stay away Chris Hansen“.  But I digress.  After Lee and Hibbert got separated, Stephen Curry tried to body up on ol’ RoyRoy and it didn’t go so well.  Even down 11, Curry had torn up the Pacers for 33 at that point, keeping what would have otherwise been a blowout a watchable game.  What ended up being one of the best MMA moments of the NBA season didn’t factor into the game much, as the Pacers still ran away with it after Hibbert’s ejection.  Luckily Curry was able to finish the game with an incredible line of 38 Pts 7 3PM 2 Rebs 4 Asts 3 Stls 1 Blk 4 Broken Cheek Bones and 0 Ankle Injuries.  Just kidding about the cheek bones.  I made every Curry owner gasp there for a second.  Let’s take a look at the other performances last night in the NBA:

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