Razzball Nation! So if you’re reading this you’re probably in the playoffs of your fantasy league, but if not and you read for my mere musings and devilishly witty forays into the intricacies of the English language (and obtuse adjective overuse), then huzzah! And huzzah for a site like DraftKings.com where you can draft a new line-up every day and play the matchups that you decide for the players you pick on a nightly basis. Maybe you squeaked into your playoffs with all your hopes and dreams that Derrick Rose would be playing by now, only to get crushed by the 3 seed. Either way, if you lost your fantasy league buy-in or it seems to be as useless as a Bernie Madoff investment, why not play in daily tournaments where your winnings can be much higher! Today DraftKings is running their SUPERQualifier for their $150k Bank Shot, where 25 people will win a ticket into their huge $150k contest. First place will win $50k for picking the best lineup tonight in only one day of fantasy goodness. It’d be like winning your NCAA bracket in a single night. Would be a rush. More a rush than going to see Rush. Ok, so they were before my time, but I like their music when it’s on. Here’s who I like tonight to give you a rush of cash:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Bonjour all, tis I, Tehol Beddict, and I come back to you a new man. A better man. I’m sure many of you sent in hand written letters, filled with panic and despair over my abrupt disappearance , and your fears were justified as my journey almost turned perilous on multiple occasions. Trust that I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, for mankini modeling can turn deadly at any given moment as many a she-male lurk on the stunningly beautiful island that’s known as Bora Bora.
Before my tale involving the treacherous she-males occurred I spent my time off camera helping induce pregnant dolphins into labor, rescuing sea turtles from fish nets, thatching roofs destroyed by a recent hurricane, trying to impregnate a village chief’s daughter and digging a well for the thirsty locals. Yes, Tehol Beddict is a philanthropist as well as being a scholar, poet, mankini model, and a writer. It’s true I wear many hats, but among those is never a jimmy, luckily for the Chieftan’s daughter, who I can now proudly say is expecting come winter.
When saving baby sea creatures one must be wary of the poisonous sea urchin as the only way to stop the pain is by peeing on the wound. Giving golden showers to tourists is now one of my greatest passions after this trip. I shall never forget the joy of easing a tourist’s pain by blasting his face with a powerful stream of urine. You must be precise in these matters and my aim stuck true. The locals worshipped me for these feats and told me they had only read about piss with such potency in tales about the Gods they worshipped thousands of years ago before they were overtaken by the pious French. But this is a tale for another day my friends for I did battle with some of the most powerful she-males of Bora Bora , nearly losing my life in the process, and that story takes precedence.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ve never been that bothered by snakes. Now I never went out of my way to play with them or anything (except my own – bada bing!), but never ran the other way either except when I was in New Mexico when I was like 7. When I was working on my parents mountain house when I was in high school, there was a snake under the scrap heap I was clearing and I killed that little bitch with a shovel. If that doesn’t boost your testosterone, then I guess you need to contact Tony Bosch at Biogenesis. The resident snake of the NBA (in name only – easy Laker fans), Kobe Bryant, the Black Mamba himself, went down hard after twisting his ankle last night, and blames Dahntay Jones for intentionally crowding him. I thought snakes didn’t have ankles? Well, this injury after sliding into 8th place in the West just puts the icing on the cake of the Lakers ridiculous season. Right now the prognosis is “out indefinitely.” About all you can do is make your sacrifices to the fantasy gods and cross your fingers. One thing Kobe has going for him is that he is resilient to injury and can heal quickly. He’s kinda like the Derek Jeter of the NBA. And Jeter never had any ankle issues…. I could see Bryant back sooner rather than later, but stay tuned.
Here’s what else went down in fantasy basketball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kevin Garnett sat out Friday night (DNP old and tired) and Jeff Green finally got his chance to start. Doing the best KG impression he could muster, he tore up Los Suns with a season-high 31 points and added 7 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals and 5 blocks. Oh, hello there! What did you say your name was? I don’t believe we’ve met. They traded you for who–Kendrick Perkins!? Pffft! If we step into the Razzball DeLorean back to several weeks ago, let’s see what I said about Jeff: ”I don’t think we’ll see the real Jeff Green until he gets his chance to start…If he can ever put it all together he’s got all the tools to be a fantasy stud.” And that’s me quoting me! Green shot a fantastical 11-of-14 from the field, scored 15 in the first half alone and even hit 3 shots from downtown. If you haven’t picked him up yet you should go pick him up now, he’s still available in about a third of yahoo leagues but that number will shoot up over the weekend, especially with the Celtics fans clamoring for Doc Rivers to start Green on a day-to-day basis. Jeff is averaging 17.5 points, 4.5 rebounds, 3 assists, 1.5 3pm and 1.5 blk in the past 7 days and after last nights performance is worth adding in all standard leagues if you’re feeling lucky.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I got some things right in the preseason, and some things wrong, but one of the players I’m most happy about is Damian Lillard. In my rankings post, I wrote, “He dominated the summer league and is one of a number of rookies that people are eyeballing.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chandler Parsons had a good night, and you can trust me because it would be rude to lie. Everyone’s favorite or second favorite male Friends character, Chandler finished with 21 points, 8 rebounds, 9 assists, a steal and a block. He’s like a mini LeBron!Please, blog, may I have some more?
The man with a name that would drive King George VI off his throne in fits of anger, Thabo Sefolosha shot 7 of 11 from the field, including 5 of 7 from the perimeter, to accumulate 20 points, 3 rebounds, 3 assists, and 3 steals.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Martell Webster continues to light the east coast on fire from downtown, while much of the coast is being covered in snow. That Webster is so hot right now! Friday night, he scored 16 points, adding 4 rebounds, 2 assists, 3 steals and hit 3 shots from the arc.Please, blog, may I have some more?
With Jose Calderon coming to Detroit, there’s a question of who will lose out. The Pistons are already pretty guard heavy, so adding another quality guard makes sense. Despite Brandon Knight‘s 7/1/4 line, he has been doing extremely well and should continue to start.Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s nothing like an injury to rock your fantasy team, and when it’s the 14 points, 14 rebounds production of Anderson Varejao that goes by the wayside, you have to find a replacement. Tristan Thompson should continue to see the bulk of minutes.Please, blog, may I have some more?