In Shaq-ramento, when Christmas carolers sing at your doorstep, if it’s deck the halls you must insist a free a Rudy Gay jersey! You better believe Sleep Train Arena is gonna deck their halls with Gay apparel. That is, if it has power. Zing! Last night, the Kings picked up Gay from the Raptors in a 7-player deal with a lot more fantasy impact than just the players involved. The Kings also picked up Aaron Gray and Quincy Acy, for the fewest letters in three surnames you could ever receive in a three-player haul. In return, Greivis Vasquez, John Salmons, Patrick Patterson and Chuck Hayes got exported to Canada. I hope they have winter wear! Instead of going over all of the impact in the open, it’ll be fettered out and we’ll focus on Gay at the top. Nothing changes. Brevity! Lots of shots, the Kings don’t become any better or worse, but get a good all-around player. The fantasy impact on Gay seems null. The trade overall I think it a win-win, both in real hoops and in fantasy. The Kings dumped guys that don’t really help their rotations for a star, and the Raptors break up their two high-volume shots guys with it not working. Plus the Raptors are looking to rebuild around the Luminescent Lithuanian. Then all sorts of fantasy optimism below, along with other action across the NBA over the weekend:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Lipizzan horse breed dates back to the 16th century and they are the most breathtakingly graceful creatures young Tehol has ever laid eyes upon. Purebreds are known for being whiter than the purest Columbian blow and their massive members. Some have even said that a few of the grandest stallions had testicles that almost dragged on the frozen tundra of Slovenia (which is where they hail from) during mating season. Now comes the truly intriguing part: I have always held a high interest in genealogy, or was it gynecology? Anyway, the way Chandler Parsons has been playing this season has truly been a mind altering experience. He’s white and he’s American, two things that don’t mix with NBA basketball. This drove me to spend countless hours in the library and on the internet digging deeper than a coal miner, so that I could find Parsons true heritage (calls to his agent were not returned). After a month’s supply of caffeine pills and countless rockstars I was able to finally piece it together: this man is part Lipizzan! You see, his distant relatives started the first Lipizzan stud farm and kept it in the family for centuries along with a very little known secret. Now remember, these stallions had an insatiable thirst for ejaculation, so sometimes it was necessary to “milk” them. The idea first came to Bogdan Parsons in September of 1678; He would take this extra horse jizz and, mix it with his own and inseminate his betrothed. Now, you realize this would be difficult since it needs to be squeezed in at the same time in able for traces of the stallion’s spunk to take. Imagine jerking a horse off along with yourself at the same time. What timing! Young Bogdan mastered the art of stroking a few months later, timing it perfectly then impregnating his wife. A son was born. An incredibly strong son who grew to be as stronger than anyone in all of Europe and he was hung like, well, a horse. The rest, as they say, is history.
Parsons has finally reached stallionhood and is no longer a yearling, or a gelding like many of his relatives thought when he underwhelmed at the University of Florida. Last night Parsons dropped 32 points, 3 boards and 3 assists, while only missing one shot from the floor. Parsons is real. The research is real. Tehol Beddict is real, and this what else I witnessed last night in the NBA.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tobias Harris started the season fairly strong, putting together some decent lines in November, but then fell out of the Bucks rotation. ”Oh Tobias, you blow-hard!” It looked like Harris’ career might be stalled. ”I got my hands on some money. I can’t say how or when … or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth.” But with a trade to the Magic right at the deadline, Harris got a much needed new beginning in O-Town. ”But guess what? There’s a new daddy in town. A discipline Daddy.” Harris has been a discipline daddy indeed, providing the Magic with their lone bright spot with 23 Pts 9-12 FG 2-2 FT 1 3PTM 6 Rebs 2 Asts and 2 Stls last night while being massacred by the Kings. And if any of these references are giving you a chubby, suck it up and watch Arrested Development! As I mentioned in both articles yesterday, I’m crushing hard on my boy T-Hair. Shooting a total of 21-31 (68%) and averaging 17.7 Pts 0.67 3PM 6.7 Rebs 1.3 Asts 1.0 Stl and 1.0 Blk over his three games for Orlando, he’s been a dynamite find for their unloading of J.J. I called him a pickup in deeper leagues, but with a third straight big performance where he looked worthy of 40 minutes (I watched this game – he attacked the rim hard, shot well, and played spry), I’m now calling him a pickup in all leagues. Here’s what else happened last night across the NBA:
Deke! Don’t forget that all our Razzball mindscapes are now in one convenient social media lollapalooza on Facebook. Shoot us a like, track all the new articles when they go up, and follow more of Grey’s game-winning musings on life.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Every year, there’s a handful of guys that are waiver wire whores and bounce back and forth between owners for spot starts. It’s like the freshman co-ed dorm; you feel entitled if you’re the first to have one of em riding your roster, but then you feel dirty if you claimed them next. Enter Jarrett Jack, who before settling into his probable NBA 6th Man Award role, got run off the bench, then a few starts, but never those solidified minutes. A shoulder injury a few weeks back had the last round of owners jumping ship, but since returning he’s finally ready for a long term commitment. So what if he gave rival owners a little handsy here and rub-a-dub there? Time for everyone to lock him up Elizabeth Smart style.Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Saturday night, Eric Gordon made his season debut in impressive fashion, going for 24 points (5 of 13 FG, 12 of 14 FT), including 2 threes, plus 7 assists and 2 steals. As of early Monday morning, he is only 40% owned in Yahoo!Please, blog, may I have some more?
The NBA had its second triple double of the year, and it was earned by Jose Calderon. He scored 13 points, 10 assists, and 10 rebounds. He has been averaging a whopping 1.0 rebound per game, so this was a wee bit of a surprise.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, I give up. I’m flabbergasted by what’s going on in New York. Just like the last rave I attended in which everyone wore furry animal suits, I don’t get it, it scares me, but here we are and I’m going to roll with it as best I can.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Many tears were shed on Valentine’s Day, and not because lonely people were curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, a bottle of Pinot Noir and Blue Valentine on Netflix. Danny Granger left the game in the first quarter with a spained left ankle and did not return.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Paul sat out his fifth game yesterday. That, along with Caron Butler‘s recent tweak, paved the way for Mo Williams to get his minutes up. It’s all I can do not to mention Williams’ 77 points and eight three-pointers in his last three games, except that I just mentioned it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Upon occasion – especially while watching the Wizards – I think to myself, “Self? You could do better than these guys, right? Sure, you’re not as tall as most of these guys and you have trouble going to your left, you tend to get wheezy after just a couple laps up the court, your sweat makes people not want to talk to you, you choke on the gum you’re chewing 3/4 of the possessions, and your on-court communication consists mostly of reciting lines from ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ but still, the Wizards are awful.” Now I know you think it’s weird that I address myself as Self, but if I didn’t do that how would I know who I’m talking to?Please, blog, may I have some more?